|Reviews for The Deal|
| G.D.Pastry chapter 1 . 4/24/2013
I think this was very nicely written :) there are just three things I wanted to point out
"He plopped down on the couch, remote in hand, and flipped through the channels as he sorted the thoughts that raced through his mind like a horse in the middle of astonishingly close race. He absentmindedly flipped through the channels while silently tapping his foot, a habit he often indulged in when he was deep in thought. "
I loved the detail here but you had "flipped through the channels" in two adjacent sentences, which really isn't that good an idea.
Oh and also there's a small mistake here with the name. You wrote Joseph Wade here but in the rest of the story, the man is Joseph Walker
"...approached at work by a man who called himself Joseph Wade."
"They'd walked for a few minutes in silence. They arrived at Jack's office door, which was created from wood and bared a large fourteen." I think maybe you should combine these two sentences into something like "They'd walked for a few minutes in silence before arriving at Jack's office door, which was created from wood and bared a large fourteen." Maybe that would be a bit better 'cause right now the two sentences are just a bit awkward.
Oh yeah, and I'm not really sure you should've just ended the story since there are still many unanswered questions like "What does Joseph Walker have on the daughter?" and "What is the rest of the deal?". Also, since you ended it here I'm not quite sure what kind of a theme or meaning you're trying to convey for the reader, so I'd say some additional chapters to this story would make it a lot fuller and I'd be glad to read them if you do decide to write more.
I really enjoyed reading this though. It's very realistic and deals with some problems in the society we all like to read about and try to solve :)