|Reviews for Finding Snowflakes|
| Darth Zannacross chapter 3 . 2/19/2016
And they say I have to much talking in my story, half of this is just one very anxious guys anxious thoughts, good greif.
So, we have a new nameless girl that's awkwardness rivals Elliott?
Maybe they will be the true soul mates, since Carrie seems to have quickly descended in to being a hypocritical liar. Tsc... they appear so friendly, only for it to be a illusion, those that joke with people's feelings are the worst.
Oh well, we will see where it goes from here.
| Darth Zannacross chapter 2 . 2/19/2016
Mostly a exchange of questions and, scoping each other out.
Well, anxiety is quite the drag.
Lots of talk about emotional conflict, Elliott is a mess all right, guess we will see if Carrie can thaw him out and find that " Snowflake" .
| Darth Zannacross chapter 1 . 2/17/2016
So, a winter love story eh? Can be a cold season in many ways lol. So, we start off with a scandal, the naked trees are causing a scene, but I guess this story takes place where that kind of thing is ok, oh well lol.
So, boy meets girl, and boy is kind of a jerk , that's what I got of Elliott and Carrie meeting so far. Guess we will see if Elliott can thaw out of his cold act, for now, basic start to a romance story I guess.
| dmasterxd chapter 1 . 2/5/2016
I really like the prose for this, although I'd be lying if I said it didn't distract me sometimes. I like Carrie a lot already (alwalys love the cherry girls haha). Will need more time on Elliot, although I do like the character dynamic the two have so far. I also liked the symbolic parts a lot, especially that line at the end! Makes this kind of feel like a poem as well as a story. Awesome job so far!
| Kisho chapter 3 . 1/26/2016
I'm not sure if the "vestigial structure" wording is brilliant or ridiculous but it's definitely one of those.
"Being a wallflower had very few perks" oh you.
Cast is now up to three. And I don't think we even got the new girl's name. Carrie is bipolar after all but now maybe New Girl will be the one to become the official Friend of Elliott. Brooding guys with no friends, bipolar girls turning their backs on you after promising best-friendship, emo rants while ignoring the teacher... you have truly captured the beauty of high school. Well played.
| Kisho chapter 2 . 1/26/2016
This really is the most character-driven piece I've read in a while. Two chapters just of two people talking (or really one person talking). Not that it isn't interesting, just, wow is it out of my ordinary. I'm lousy at character-driven writing. x3
Fictional characters totally count, Elliott. Don't worry. I guess Elliott reflects you, Loli? You never struck me as the extroverted type. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert :v Just don't get lonely. Elliott definitely seems to have reached the point of lonely. q.q
Btw, when Elliott says "And as for whom I hand out with," that should be hang.
| Kisho chapter 1 . 1/26/2016
Sasuga Loli da. This is very much what I'd expected from you, very much in line with your strengths x3 The writing is definitely not traditional but manages a natural poetry that might take a second to adjust to, but is absolutely very you and gives so much color and tone to the story.
Aside from the prose, well, really typical thus far, but that's not a bad thing. I've always liked to see a fresh new take on something that's been done before, so I'm not judging a cliched start. Emo boy and cheery girl with secret emotional problems hidden under a smile, a romance with them in a school together... there's a lot of potential so I'll just look and see where it goes.
| phangkie chapter 5 . 1/24/2016
ch 6 is coming ryt
| Victoria Best chapter 4 . 1/15/2016
I get a shoutout :D Yay :D
Aww, this was a cute chapter. I like that we have taken a step back from the Elliott and Carrie storyline and we are introduced to Marley. This chapter showed Carrie in another light - through the eyes of Marley - and I thought that was an interesting and effective technique. I missed Elliott, but I am sure he will be back in the next chapter :p I like their idea of forming their own group and I really hope that will happen, but at the same time I know that just isn't realistic, just as Carrie says. I'm looking forward to seeing what you have planned for the characters.
Marley certainly thinks a lot of Carrie. It must be hard for her, constantly idolising the popular crowd and longing to be one of them. Great job at capturing these emotions and making her a character we can empathise with. Maybe tone this down a little so that she doesn't come across as desperate and mopey, for example the laughing with the crowd part could be dulled down.
"What's your last name? White?" Ha! I love the subtle humour in this. It's cute and made me smile. And poor Marley, always getting that Marley and Me joke. I can empathise with this for so many reasons.
I love the quote you start off with. I would have liked this chapter to have been a little more connected with the previous, though, so that it is not so jarring.
"You can feel lonely even in a crowd." Wow! What a great line. I hope to see more of these in the future, because I think it's really powerful that you include elements of philosophy and psychology. Certainly makes the story more meaningful.
Having said that, maybe you could tone down the loneliness thing just a little, so that it doesn't get diluted; ideas tend to get diluted the more they are used. There was a lot of mention of loneliness, and of the pretty girl, popular crowd thing, so maybe have a look through and have a sweep up. "Being around people was not the cure for loneliness," for example, is very similar to the line I have just mentioned. By keeping it succinct, you will be giving the lines a lot more impact.
Hope that helps and keep writing! I'm really enjoying this. :)
| Ventracere chapter 4 . 1/11/2016
Okay, first thing. I'm a bit wary of your opening - there's not really a transition between this chapter and the previous one. While it's a pretty first couple of sentences, there's really nothing connecting between the two. It's kind of like going off a bit of a tangent. I do like the metaphor and the ideas that you bring up - it's relatable and resonates super well.
"Noiselessly, Carrie mouthed," I don't think you need "noiselessly". It's easy to infer that she's not speaking out loud.
Okay, so this chapter was rather interesting. Elliot's no longer in the picture - at least not in this one - and we get a view from a different girl. I like how you do that since that gives us a better picture of Carrie. She's not some floozy girl who plays around with people. She has a reason, even if we don't know it just yet. It's your popular vs. not-popular kids kind of thing. I'm interested in how you're going to go about solving this case. This is a more well-worn trope and you've done a pretty good job with creating a piece that doesn't hit the cliche parts.
So, back to Carrie. She's not afraid to interact with those not on her social level unless her friends are around. Why? What has she got to hide from her friends? We still don't know. I'm half expecting a deep dark past, but I'm excited for you to prove me wrong. Anywho. Something I would watch is that you don't make her flawless. The scene where she and Marley first talk was a bit extreme, but it was ordinary at the same time, if you get my gist. Marley sees her as a kind of superhero when she goes in for the pencil. Interestingly enough - she's kind of like our second protag, kinda everywhere, but not at the same time.
Another thing that I liked was how Marley was basically like us from the previous chapter. She saw what we did, the way Carrie rejected Elliot. Kind of like our speaker into the piece, right? haha. Good technique!
| Ventracere chapter 3 . 1/11/2016
"When he tried focusing back on the book, thus, he wondered just why it was upside down" - This is a lengthy and kind of a mouthful of a sentence. Perhaps get rid of the "thus", that's the part where I'm having a bit of a tough time wrapping my head around.
Okay. So this is a strong chapter. I'm a big fan how you kept Elliot returning to Carrie, how you kept reinforcing that she had a positive influence on him, how she made him feel like he existed when she hugged him. That it was hope. (The line about hope was a good one, especially how hope eventually won out). And I liked that essentially he decided to do so for the new girl later on. But it was all very bittersweet - she helped him out, but now she's ignoring him. His soul has been crushed! Not really, I'm exaggerating. Anywho.
Carrie - makes me wonder what's going on with her. Does she have a reputation to uphold? Why would she drop him in a beat like she did? We don't get the answer here considering we only get Elliot's side. And that brings me to the next point. This chapter is dominated by introspection. While that's not a bad thing, you end up telling us a lot of actions. Show us. How do we know that the new girl is terrified? Show us that she's scared, don't just tell us that she leapt backwards. Paint a pretty picture.
The ending was like I said, bittersweet. You brought it full circle in tone, gave us a bit of - ha - hope, when he decided to confront Carrie, but then brought the rain back down. Like the opening, Elliot is feeling a bit dead inside, huh. Since the ship is supposed to be Carrie/Elliot, how is this going to work? What does Carrie have in store for him?
| True Talker chapter 4 . 1/8/2016
I am curious to read...to find out what happens.
| Victoria Best chapter 3 . 1/7/2016
I really enjoyed this! Strongest chapter so far, I think! I love that we got to see more of Eliott's personality! He is such a funny, witty, interesting and very complex character and he completely shines in this chapter, which let us see right into his thoughts. That was so great! He's just such an awesome character and this story gets better with every chapter. I am adding this story to my favourites!
My heart went out to him in this line, "Like he had the plague one ugly motherfucker who would finish school friendless the way others had." Nooo! Eliott! You are not an ugly motherf at all! You are clever, funny and perfect, you just need to be able to see it! That sentence just made me want to give him a massive hug. I hope he starts to see that he is a hundred times more than this.
However, the ending of this is awful. That was a really horrible thing for Carrie to do, and I am a little bit in shock, actually. I just cannot believe she did that. The thing is that she knows that Eliott has trust issues, and she is the only person he has opened up to, so the fact that she has done this is sure to have damaged him even more. I am starting to wonder if he will ever trust again after that massive blow. So yeah, this chapter made me dislike Carrie a little. I hope she will try hard to make it up to him.
"He trusted too easily." Aww. This sentence just says it all. Poor Elliot :( And evil Carrie. Hopefully she will try and make things better though.
Great chapter and keep writing!
| Victoria Best chapter 2 . 12/21/2015
Yay, this chapter was so cute! I am really growing to like both Carrie and Elliott and I hope that they can become closer!
The descriptions in this were great. I have never seen hair described as tumbleweed before! That was really original! Lots of pretty lines to flail over too: "morning should have stayed monochrome" and "his words became ghosts."
I loved the characterisation in this chapter also. This line was particularly powerful: "Elliott still dwelled in that awkward, self-imposed silence." It really tugged at my heart, actually. I just feel so sorry for Elliott. I can see how desperate he is to talk but I can also see just how difficult it is for him to do that. I wonder why he is like this. Was there a certain event that made him like that? Or has he always been like it?
The ending, when they make their promise to each other, really brought a smile to my face. That was so adorable! But at the same time, it wasn't too cute to the point where it was yucky, you know? You got the balance just right. I just hope that they can keep that promise and I am interested in seeing where this story goes and how their relationship will develop!
Only one bit of constructive criticism - "she quirked her eyebrow in puzzle." We do not need the "in puzzle" part of the sentence - the body language tells us that already. Try to avoid over-explaining and focus on explaining through "showing" such as showing through body language, facial expressions and tone of voice. Less is always more.
Otherwise, another great chapter and I am hooked.
| Victoria Best chapter 1 . 12/21/2015
Wow, I really liked this! The characters are so adorable! Their sentences just bounce off of each other, the conversation flowing liquidly, showing that they have a natural chemistry between them and I would love to see how this develops.
Your writing is great also. One sentence I loved was: "things always seemed better when thinned down by fiction." What a line! So true and so perfect and carried with it an emotional impact. You are certainly a talented writer! I also enjoyed this sentence: "the illusion of not having a direction brought momentary peace." I understood exactly what you were getting at. Another powerful, touching sentence, proof that you are a talented writer. It was also great that these two sentences were subtle - a story becomes tedious to read when there are too many of these types of sentences in it. You have embedded in just the right amount, so well done!
The description of the characters was also well done. I like the sentences "crooked, carefree smile" and the "shade of hair that mirrored the shade of her eyes." Lovely description and really enabled me to visualise the character. However, I would have liked to see more description of Elliott, as so far I only gathered that he had grey eyes and not much else.
There was some interesting characterisation here also. I liked that Elliott was reluctant to talk at first. That is certainly an interesting character trait and I would love to see him open out of this shell and start tearing away this shield he has built up around himself, which he can hopefully do with the help of Carrie.
The ending was also poignant: "and while they did begin to walk, in many ways they stayed there." A beautiful sentence which acted as a great hook to encourage the reader to keep reading.
Overall, a great start and I would love to read more and see how these characters develop. I really hope Elliott begins to lose this barrier around himself and that Carrie helps him to break it down. I am also interested in learning more about their home lives and personalities, particularly for Carrie, as so far I am not getting a clear view into her head like I did with Elliott; she seems more mysterious and withdrawn, her traits not entirely obvious just yet, which is a good thing to encourage readers to keep reading on.
Great start. Keep writing!