|Reviews for Finding Snowflakes|
| deadaccount2019 chapter 4 . 5/26/2014
For the most part the writing feels like it's supposed to be limited-third person. The advantage with this is getting a more personal look into the characters' minds, but the perspective slips back and forth a lot instead of focusing, which makes it easy to stumble while reading. This was especially true in this chapter when Carrie pursues Eliott and it switches back and forth ever two or three lines, which made it hard to stay immersed in the story.
So, I think I've put off commenting on Eliott long enough, so here we go. In the first chapter I think there's too much mopiness surrounding him. I definitely feel for the guy; genetics was a bitch toward him, and adolescence is more often than not when it's going to reflect, but a lot of what he mopes about, for the most part, is brought on by himself. I honestly felt in the beginning that I was reading Bella Swan with a penis. He showed a bit of personality then, but not enough to make me look forward to reading about him.
The chapters after, however, showed a lot more dimension to him. He still has the woe-is-me thing going, which I'm still getting the impression is primarily his fault (particularly after admitting before that he lets friendships grow distant), but we at least get to see more of him. The pencil thing was a great way to show that he's not all together antisocial, and Marley and Carrie's interactions with him definitely make his mood more sympathetic during the present.
Which brings me to the last chapter. His handling of the day feels a whole lot less like moping and much more like resignation, which again, made it easier to sympathize with him. I would have loved to get to see more of his mind when he was watching the rabbit, because I found myself wondering if perhaps it was indicative of how he handles rejection and disappointment. Like, does he lose himself in his wolf instincts, which in turn manifests in animalistic outlashes, or does it put him in tune with nature, and in turn shuts off complexities of human social and psychological behaviors? This moment really made me want to get to know him more, because so far he's just been treated as an outcast werewolf with a fangy grin.
| deadaccount2019 chapter 3 . 5/26/2014
The mannerisms and habits of the characters could use some sprucing and made more individual. I had noticed it before with Eliott, but there is a lot of sighing going on as an action tag which can make the feelings of the characters rather underwhelming.
Very, VERY interesting development with Carrie. I had wondered if she was a chameleon, just trying to survive highschool, but the revelation that she was actually a bully once gives her somewhat of a redemption subplot. I'm looking forward to seeing how this unfolds, especially now with Marley and her knowledge in the picture.
| deadaccount2019 chapter 2 . 5/26/2014
The writing is definitely in need of a lot of editting. There are a number of points where the story shifts from past to present tense, and a spot near the start where it shifts to second perspective. There are also a number of misworded spots and typos that really trip up the reading. A couple examples:
[Thank God it was November and they'd get to use it until March.] Should this be "wouldn't get to use"?
[Not that it was anything new though, but it would've been nice to have known her better.] Use of "though" and "but" in the same sentence created redundancy. Only need one of them.
[Fangy. Stupid teeth complex.
"Vampires are also fangy, you know…"] Since the two lines are related to Elliot, it would be better to pair them in on paragraph to avoid confusion with the dialogue.
Excellent punch at the end of the chapter. Carrie's response as to whether or not she knows Eliott was surprising, and also very disheartening. It also made me wonder what exactly is going on with her to do such a 180, which serves as a great hook to lead into the next chapter.
| deadaccount2019 chapter 1 . 5/26/2014
A lot of times it feels like the writing could be condensed. Some examples include:
[It was mildly snowing,] drop the 'mildly' for context and flow.
[...she yelled, and when she had reached a minimal distance and noticed Elliot's now recently-smacked-and-red-at-the-impact face,] Drop 'she yelled', and adjust the remaining line to something along the lines of 'When she drew near she noticed Elliot had been struck in the face.' to remove the awkward sentence structure and make the line flow more naturally.
[Snow poured on to an already white blanket. But at the sky, it almost seemed like the sun fought to come out again.] Something along the lines of 'The snow continued to fall while the sun struggled through the clouds.' would make the description more immediate and punchy, while (again) improving flow.
You use very pretty imagery throughout the chapter. I especially liked in the latter half when the clouds start breaking up. It reminded me a lot of a February snowfall and also mirrored Elliot's shift in attitude well.
| cud-b-better chapter 3 . 5/12/2014
Well this was a little bit difficult for me to follow (I had to read a second time to get a better grasp) but the character emotions did get through to me somewhat and for whatever reason I'm seeing something tragic happening in the very near future. I get the feeling that carrie is someone who is within a group but doesn't belong with them. I'm somewhat happy that she at the very least realises that she is hardly being the best friend one could be. And although some of the feelings are dark, I think that Carrie is very human, so I think you did that remarkably well. Here is me hoping Violet gets some retribution that isn't a bloody one, although I'll be fine either way.
| True Talker chapter 3 . 5/1/2014
I would like for things to work out for Elliot, Marley and Violet in this story. However I don't feel right about Violet kicking Elliot's stomach. This is interesting however as I was reading this story it had seemed to make me think of my day and about other things that I have noticed and seen lately. And etc... It just did which I find interesting - in a way.
| tstul006 chapter 3 . 5/1/2014
Grammar: So I think it would become clearer if the first section was in italics just to set it apart from the rest of the chapter. A quick edit as well. In the start of the second section us use I when I think it's supposed to it. Also you have a few sentences next to each other one that say 'the boy suddenly' and the next that says 'the girl 'suddenly' I would rewrite one of them just to get rid of the repeated suddenly. Another edit. (And she talked to her, and ugly being, as (if) it was nothing.) you mixed up the i and f in the if. I'd also put the last section in italics as well just to show it was the past.
Characters: Okay so ashy girl needs a name. She seems really important and because this is written mostly from her perspective she important enough to name. I could understand not using one if it was in first person because she wouldn't use her name but since it's written in third you could put in the name. Anyway, she's really a likable girl. Shy but with enough courage to go to looking for Elliot so she could thank him for the pencil. Such a sweet girl.
Relationships: So Carrie and Violet knew each other in elementry school and Violet knew Elliot. Carrie was a bully in elementary and now Violet has some sort of control over Carrie and for some reason she doesn't like Elliot even though they used to be friends in elementary? I think I'm starting to slowly piece this puzzle together. Interesting. So the reason that Elliot has no friends has something to do with Violet? Very plot twisty, I love it.
Dialogue: I think the dialogue in the little ending section got a bit confusing. When Violet said 'I hate them all even if you ever mention that again' I'm assuming it was probably a typo but I can't figure out what it was supposed to mean. Other then that the dialogue is pretty good. That's a plus for me because I think dialogue is very important.
Overall a great chapter. Thanks for the read.
| JaveHarron chapter 1 . 4/27/2014
Okay, I noticed a number of issues with your story, many of them significant. One of them is the almost complete and utter lack of description of the setting and characters (such as Elliot's ears). Are they pointed? Do they stick out directly upwards? What do their faces look like? Are your characters thin, average, stocky (or unnaturally so)? Also much of the dialogue seems awkward (although we do seem to be dealing with teens here). Each character lacks a distinctive 'voice' or manner of speaking.
Also, how does the supernatural fit into this world? Do these fantastic races exist in broad daylight? Is there discrimination (between baseline humans, among their own ranks, or perhaps a blend of both)? How does it manifest? Is it something common (like magical realism) or something exceptional (like urban fantasy)? Hope that feedback helps.
| tstul006 chapter 2 . 4/28/2014
RG Multi depth 2/2
Beginning: I was kinda hoping for another awesome quote... :( It's okay though. Anyhoo, loved the little humor break at the beginning. Only thing is the sentence that says ' It was Carrie we talked about.' I think it was probably a typo. It would read better if it said something along the lines of 'It was Carrie he was thinking about.' And maybe since he hasn't known her that long you could add something about him already knowing so much because of her open personality?
Characters: Oh Elliot is sure down on himself isn't he. Poor guy. I can see why he is though. Everyone is so scared of him and he is really a nice guy. It's like he's been forced to be a loner. I mean there's nothing wrong with being a loner if one chooses to be but he didn't choose it and that's what makes his story so sad.
Setting: I loved the description of the high school it made me envision it without getting too bogged down with the details and the bit about the swings made me chuckle. I also love the whole idea of this high school that doesn't only have magical beings but humans as well, all learning together. That's a really interesting idea.
Plot: Okay, remember in the last chapter when I said he had fallen for Carrie too soon. I take it back now because in this chapter you explained why. Not having social contact with anyone would make a person want to latch onto the first nice person that smiled at them. So I'm sorry for doubting your judgement.
Ending: I so didn't see that coming. Oh man, high school is so stressful. I wonder if she was just dared to make friends with him? My gosh, I was so in love with her and now I just don't know. Carrie why would you do that to poor Eliott. I'm hoping that this little Vampire girl will eventually make it all better or that maybe Carrie has a twin sister. Hmm... lots to think about.
Okay hope this review was helpful thanks for a great read. I'm going to follow the story and review your third chapter when it comes out because I think you deserve to get three reviews for giving three. (Also cause I've gotta know what happens next.)
| tstul006 chapter 1 . 4/28/2014
Hello RG multi depth. 1/2
Okay on to the reviewing. (that's totally a word.)
Beginning:I've always liked that quote. :) I think it shows a bit of talent to be able to match a quote to your chapters is this something you're going to do with each one?
so the idea about snowflakes being like a persons soul mate is so adorable. I really think it's clever.
I like the beginning but here are somethings I think could make it better. Put the line that starts with 'Many say...' in italics. Also I'm having issues with the sleepily slammed, just because I don't think those two words should go together. Because when I think of sleepy I don't think of someone slamming anything. Slam goes more with anger or excitement.
Characters: So I love Carrie. She's so bubbly and just plain lovable,despite the fact that she kept hurting Eliott. I love how carefree she is and the fact that she can see past someone's looks. She's a really likable character. Eliott is just as likable but in a different way. Loners always get a bad rap but I don't think Eliott is choosing to be a loner. Poor guy he's just lonely. I think he and Carrie compliment each other beautifully.
Writing: Overall your writing style is smooth and very easy to follow. There were a few slip ups here and there but they were mostly just small edits. Like you used Carries name in the main text before she'd introduced herself to Eliott.
Enjoyment: So in the beginning I thought this was going to be a could be RL story. but you changed that when I realized that Eliott was a wolf. Oh man did my excitement level shoot up. I love supernatural. This is different than what they've turned werewolves into nowadays. I'm not opposed to those kinds at all. But it's cool to see this different version of a werewolf because it makes it more original. Kudos.
Ending: I have to say that as much as I like Carrie and that I have already shipped the pair together myself I think it's a bit soon for Eliott to be considering her to be his snowflake. Considering that the main genre of this fic is Romance I think it would serve better to draw it out a bit. Let him fall but do it a bit slower.
I hope this was a helpful review. I will review chapter 2 after I get me some dinner. :)
| Ventracere chapter 2 . 4/22/2014
I think this chapter was actually stronger than your previous. You've toned down Carrie's overly bubbly nature (her nature is a good thing, it makes me smile), and it definitely has worked in your favor here. This chapter you've established yourself as a mature writer, you know how to write more serious scenes, and can intersperse humor and light bits of tone amid Elliot's darker thoughts.
Oh, Carrie, Carrie. How could you :(
However, you still need to watch out for the little mistakes here and there. I'm going to focus more on style here.
"Fivev minutes" Oops! Typo.
"She was around some group of girls, being the only one not applying on makeup." This is a personal preference, but I think "being" isn't what you want to use here. Try to flip the sentence around so you can make it stronger. Verbs like that "being" or those that are like "to be" aren't the strongest and best choices. "Being' makes for changing up your syntax, but it kind of sticks out.
"His biggest conversation had consisted of exactly two noes, a yes and a sorry when a couple girls asked him..." This sentence felt like a run on. It mainly stuck out because it was different from the writing style you have going on. Another thing: "biggest" should be "longest."
There are also little bits here and there, for your dialogue that I think you should look over. This might be another difference in style between the two of us. I know some writers always use commas after dialogue. For example (these aren't from your story):
"I am smart," she said.
"I am smart." she shook her head. (this doesn't pertain to how she is talking or how she is saying this, so there is a period in the dialogue)
I did enjoy the descriptions :). They have brought out the little pictures and the peripherals of the chapter. Good job
| Ventracere chapter 1 . 4/16/2014
Wait wait, if "nobody seemed reckless enough to walk the same lonely road with such a snowfall" then how did his "friends suddenly disappearing one by one"? That's just a little question I had there.
Writing: I noticed a few things here and there. You tend to repeat suddenly a few times here and there one after another, so careful with that. I'm all for repetition, but I don't think those were intentional? Try to switch it up a little here and there or break up your sentences to give us a semblance of the jolt and shock that Elliot is feeling. You're incredibly descriptive and I applaud you for that. You're giving us a way to see inside your head of what your world would be like. It's a good complement to the plethora of dialogue that drives the second half of the chapter.
Grammar: "You the dude with the funny ears." should this be "you're?" Wait. I got it. She's addressing him. In that case, you might want to have punctuation to separate the difference between the two - "you" and "dude." Or get rid of "you" entirely. This way, it reads a little smoother and your readers won't have to halt for a moment haha.
"Elliot avoided her hand, however,..." I think there should be a semi-colon between hand and however, but I'm kind of iffy on that.
Don't forget to watch out for the tiny errors :) "Coud it by my snowflake is closer than I thought?" [Could]
Character: Well, Carrie is one hyper person. She's easy to get into, easy to like. She's normally the character that I would really follow, but I think she's a little too much at once. However, putting aside personal preferences, I do love the way you describe her. It's smooth and as a reader, it's easy to picture the things she does. To be honest, once I read the coffee line, I was thinking of her bouncing off the walls left and right. Perfect image haha.
Ending: Again, this is personal preference. I'm actually not a too big a fan of love at first sight, so the ending wasn't the best when it comes to what I would think. That aside, I do believe it can work as a good hook for some people. You're drawing the reader in and telling them/summarizing/setting us right on the plot. They're going to keep bumping together again and again. I do like the idea of a "snowflake" as what creates the "soulbond" or is the "soulbond" between two people/wolves. It fits with the wintry atmosphere, especially with the one that you've created.
| Riverfeather123 chapter 2 . 3/27/2014
:D Update soon! This story is amazing!
| Senketsu chapter 2 . 3/26/2014
Eliott is adorable. Really. If I ever met him in real life I'd just hug him, even if he "looks" scary. Hpe he gets friends...
| Corgisfield chapter 2 . 3/17/2014
This is pretty good so far. Generally I hate werewolf stories, but Carrie is kind of hilarious. So, I hope you plan on updating this soon! :) You might want to proof-read this, because I noticed a few things, like that Carrie never introduced herself and then suddenly we know her name and instead of saying "Hey you, what do you think?" when they asked Elliot about the stars you wrote "Hey you, do you think?" At first I thought someone was being rude to him or something, but with the context I figured it out. I know proof-reading is boring (I hate doing it myself), but it's usually worth it. Once again, this is a really good story and I can't wait for the next chapter!