|Reviews for Finding Snowflakes|
| Laura Tear chapter 2 . 5/1/2013
Alrighty, Chapter No. 2. :)
Spelling good, always a positive! This chapter also has sentences that start with "But" and "And". One of the methods I use to stop myself from putting 'and' at the beginning of a sentence is having a rule that basically says 'and should never have a capital'. Thats my rule, and the trick is finding something that's right for you, so if that one doesn't suit you can make up your own.
I've found that semi colons - ' ; ' - that little guy - are useful for joining two sentences when you don't want to always say 'but', 'or' so' or 'and'. The trick is not using it too much, like with everything else. I had a chapter critiqued by a friend of mine once and she was aghast with how often I used it. I've since worked on cutting back and she's starting to read my stuff again :P
I like the characters, and I like how Elliot is making an effort to work at his skills. Most stories don't have people working to improve those skills, they just work around the dodgy social skills of the main, so I think thats a positive. It makes him more realistic.
I think perhaps the only other advise I can offer for this chapter would be regarding the bit where Elliot and Carrie are talking and she made him laugh, I found that bit just a little confusing and had to re-read it a couple of times. The best way I can think of making it a little clearer would be by saying
"Eliott laughed and Carrie's smile spread..." or "Eliott laughed which caused Carrie's smile to spread..."
rather than "Eliott laughed. Carrie's smile spread"
Anyway, thats my input for this chapter. I hope you find it useful :)
| Laura Tear chapter 1 . 5/1/2013
Hi Lolitory :),
Nice start, I'm liking where the story is going.
The only feedback I can offer for this chapter writing wise is that you've started a few sentences with conjunctions. (Joining words in case you're not sure what that means. I still get verbs and adverbs mixed, so I like to clarify for everyone) What I mean to say is that you've started a couple of sentences with "So", "Or" and "And".
I only saw those three, and they were all at the beginning. Otherwise, spelling and grammar pretty spot on.
| CarriexEliott chapter 3 . 4/28/2013
I'm loving it! I wish I had an account to properly review xD They're such a cute couple! I wish Carrie ends withEliott since he's so aww
I wish boys were like that in real life xD
| towledestroyer chapter 3 . 4/28/2013
ok i dont get it but how they reacted when he told them he was a werewolf? like i thought werewolves werent real, unless you said something about them in the other chapters, but i think you should change their reaction. idk i kind of forgot. probably since I've been watching too much soul eater. XD
| WolfWriter318 chapter 2 . 4/25/2013
Aww... They're so sweet but it's so sad at the same time. Poor Elliot. I know a little bit about what it feels like except without being a werewolf. I don't like talking to people but I do like talking to people. It's difficult. Anyways, I run this little internet club thing and it's really cool. I've been finding more mistakes and plot holes and stuff in my writing that I didn't notice before.
The only thing I would change in this is the last sentence. It says "the falling starts" but I think it's supposed to say "the falling stars." Other than that it seems perfect.
| whatthegreencarrot chapter 3 . 4/26/2013
Aww, he likes Carrie after... two hours of his life? Well, it seems a bit unlikely to me, seeing as it takes me months and months to realize that I'm even vaguely attracted to a guy—as in, liking, not just the "willing to date" phase.
It's okay. Well, anyway, I found this one mistake in your chappie. [The twosome exchanged glances and grinned, Alice, still with a bored expression.] There's no need for a comma after "Alice," so you only need the one before. Anyway, I liked this chapter, and I like the sound of Alice and Louie. Is Alice human?
| towledestroyer chapter 1 . 4/25/2013
"as fat as i can"
and i love the attitude differences in the characters. i mean like, elliot's so dark and mysterious and carries so bubbly and open. i like the cliffhanger.
| Lady Seratopia chapter 2 . 4/25/2013
This is so beautiful- I like the imagery! I mean- I got the pictures of this sunset-sunrise sky without the sun; blue dawning all over... pps, love the pic you put of Elliott- super cute! u
He has a nice, sweet personality; it's so cute to see guys falter like that! o
Plus, I like Carrie, she seems to have this childlike innocence and such a warm heart inspite of being popular, nice that you broke the stereotype! She's the kind of extrovert shy people would definiotely like! Waiting for more!
| whatthegreencarrot chapter 2 . 4/24/2013
Aww, Eliot's learning to be a non-antisocial boy! LOL, I feel like he's growing all up... My poor little baby, all ready to talk to girls. Oh, god.
["Oh. It waaaaas I forgot."] Comma after "was."
What grade is Carrie in? Here, where I live, most people in tenth grade are fifteen or sixteen, not seventeen. Unless they were held back, I mean, which would be possible. Dunno how it is in your country, so... Anyway, I don't even know Carrie's age. Curious :)
| True Talker chapter 2 . 4/24/2013
Reading this makes me feel sad that he likes her and she isn't noticing. I am interested in reading more.
| Lady Seratopia chapter 1 . 4/17/2013
Wow- Carrie is the definition of extrovert alright! The excited beheaviour and all- super cool! I like this so far.
(Reminds me a bit of myself trying to impress older kids at school.) All the same, I like their polarising personalities. It's pretty useful :)
It seems mildly obvious thugh that Elliot has a crush on her- she sure knows how to sweet talk him (even unintentionally)
| Notsuki Ame chapter 1 . 4/16/2013
Well, I was about to sleep when I received your pm, and I did promise so meh.. Here's my very first review:
I think the setting is pretty clear, character wise nothing was missing. The descripionts are pretty good, so I think it was a good start.
I'm sorry to be unable to be more precise than this"
Lastly, you forgot the " at So you're not antisocial! Thank god. It felt awkward to be near a guy who wanted me far. and at the black haired's I think it would sound better if it was black haired boy.
| whatthegreencarrot chapter 1 . 4/16/2013
[She grinned. "So you're not antisocial! Thank god. It felt awkward to be near a guy who wanted me far.] You missed the last quotation mark after far.
[The girl's honey eyes widened in acknowledgement.] So you said that her hair was the color of honey, too. Do her eyes and hair have the identical color, or...?
["Naw. I got too hyperactive and ran off from my friends. And got lost. Nice story huh."] I think it ought to be "Nice story, huh?" with a comma after story and a question mark instead of a period. Just a thought :3
[The black haired's eyes widened. She grinned at him.] Might wanna write "the black haired boy's" instead of just "black haired's." Partially because the latter doesn't make very much sense, and also because it'd be less confusing the other way.
I like this story... Maybe longer chapters would be nice? Is this one of those short prologues, with massive-long chapters after it, or will each chapter just be about 1k words?