Reviews for His Sunshine
H. Meadows chapter 1 . 8/1/2013
Hi!

Thanks for reviewing Mist of Heaven. The review you left me was kind of bland but im going to try to give you a more in-depth one.

I really kike that you set the the stage for the themes of the stoty right off the bat. Thats good. Its adds in a lot of mystery and mystery keeps people reading.
There are several grammatical errors with tense and diction that have already been mentioned by other reviewers, so i wont go there.

Im confused about Marias age. one moment shes acting like a child and the next she seems older. Maybe that was intended and speaks of her being young with an above average intelligence, in which case, bravo!

Very interesting and engaging start! Check your grammar and flow and youll be good to go. I think you have a lot of talent that jhst needs to be refined. Take in other reviewers structural reviews and let it help build your skill. :)
JWT chapter 3 . 7/23/2013
I was interested to see that you have brought in a new set of characters in this chapter, especially in the setting of travelling to earth. You have managed to continue building the picture of the world they live in to the reader without falling back on just telling the reader straight out. I don't know if you've heard that little saying about writing, that you should show not just tell? Well you are diong that very well with the way you gradually reveal information about this world to the readers. It will be interesting to see how their story ties in with that of the other characters.

I did spot a few little mistakes:
"Out of space" - Unless I am wrong and this is a phrase where you some from, I think you mean "Outer space"

"father was there to see it with them, it was a wonderful sight." These are two seperate sentances, even though they are related, so a comma can't be used here. I think a semi-colon would be correct (don't hold me to that though - I tend to get a bit muddled with colons and semi-colons).

"Mother? You alright?" - Though he hasn't said much before this, I was sort of getting the impression that Alphonse spoke quite properly (he said "is that not" rather than "isn't that" and calls his mother "mother" not "mum") so when I read this I thought that maybe he should use the full "Are you all right?" But of course you know your characters far better than I do from this first scene, so I could be completely wrong about him.

"Discoloured eyes met his, one brown and the other blue" - I just wanted to point out this sentance as I thought it was a really nice way of slipping in his mother's eye colour rather than just going "she had mis-matched eyes". Well done.

"smirked at his brothers back" - You missed out the possessive apostrophe in "brother's"

"I don't want to move to Earth Marcel" - When you use a name at the end of someone's speech you need to put a comma before it - "...to Earth, Marcel." I noticed that you made this mistake a few times, so it's one to keep an eye out for.

Overall I think that by introducing new characters at this point in the story you have given it an interesting extra dimension and have managed to keep hauling the reader in. Keep writing!
Luna Schlee chapter 5 . 7/9/2013
gah! this completely reeks of a stalker!
JWT chapter 2 . 7/3/2013
I like the way you have begun to suggest a little more about Maria's situation - we now know that she is effectively a prisoner, she is with other children, she is no longer with her family - but haven't given too much away too quickly.

You have successfully introduced Pinks as an immediately strong character. Though she has not done anything yet, the way she speaks and the little things such as the roll of the eyes and raised eyebrow have already given her a distinctive personality.

Here are some of the grammar mistakes I spotted:
Quite a few times you have used "your" instead of "you're".

"It was as equally endearing as it was annoying" - The placement of the "as" doesn't sit right. I think it should be "It was equally as endearing as it was annoying".

""Today we're having a feast , " mentions Pinks." - Should be "mentioned".

"after days and years of having to be isolated from the rest of the world" - This is not really a mistake but the use of "having to be" made it sound to me like the isolation was coming to an end, but I am guessing that this is not actually the case. Perhaps consider a slightly different way of wording this sentance.

"The village was out in the dry , hot savanna too poor to afford better houses." - Due to the placement of the comma and the way you have worded it, what you have written is that the savanna itself is poor. To change this to your actual meaning, you could perhaps say something like "The village was out in the dry, hot savanna and was too poor..." or "...savanna, where the people were too poor..."

"Sometimes they made a living off of arts and crafts or mending shoes in Maria's mom made sure to stay under the leaves or suffer sunburn" - I think you must have edited this section at some point and accidentally merged a couple of sentances together when changing things around.

I am looking forward to reading more of this to see if a reason behind the discrimination is revealed, to find out more about Maria's past, and of course to see what happens with Amaroq. Keep writing!
Maddie Rose chapter 3 . 6/29/2013
Hmmm, this is interesting. Not entirely sure how it relates to the rest of the story, but it'll be intriguing to see how the connection works.
Maddie Rose chapter 2 . 6/29/2013
Interesting conversation between Pinks and Maria. It was cute to see how Pinks had to explain a few words because Maria didn't understand them. I'm liking Maria's childish innocence.
Maddie Rose chapter 1 . 6/29/2013
Wow Amaroq definitely seems a little creepy, but his attraction to Maria isn't anything so dangerous...yet. I like the way she sees herself as ugly and he sees her as beautiful. Two very different perspectives there.
JWT chapter 1 . 6/29/2013
You have set up some very deep themes in this first chapter and I have a feeling this story is going to veer off into rather dark territory. You have successfully managed to set the tone of the story straight away.

I see that other reviewers have mentioned grammar errors, so I will try not repeat ones that have been pointed out to you already:

"They could care less for your welfare but for their own interests." - Just a simple typo there. You mean, "couldn't care less"

"No. I would never hurt you , I just want to help." - You missed out the opening speech marks on this line. The comma should also be a full stop.

"He had ran away" - The correct tense here would be "run".

"Maria was just an albino and either bad omen or something to grab , like a piece of meat or a tool." - I think you meant to have an "a" in there - "either a bad omen..."

"passed him by , like trash on the ground" - The way you worded this sounds like the people are the trash. If you changed it to "like he was trash" that might convey your meaning better.

Creepy though he may be, I find Amaroq to be quite a believable character so far, so well done on that.
Maria, however, is a little confusing. As you have not specified her age yet, aside from that she is young enough to be classed as a child, we are left to guess from the way she talks and acts, which is a little inconsistent.

She says "I don't want to play. I want to go outside." This sounds quite sulky and like a rather young child, perhaps seven or so, but later she says, "Well Mr. Amaguk , do you care for my ' welfare ' or do you just want to use me like everyone else?" This is a rather shrewd comment to make and struck me as possibly too advanced for a young child. Assuming she is as young as she initially sounds, she might be more likely to use shorter sentances, such as "Do you care how I am?" or "Do you want to use me?" rather than combining the two ideas together like that.

It also struck me when she said, "I have to go back to the safe haven - you know , so I don't end up dead." Perhaps you didn't intend it this way, but when I read it it sounded like a sort of sarcastic joke, which again might be a bit sophisticated for a young child.

Another thing I noticed when reading is that you change perspective. Though writing in the third person gives you the freedom to view the story through several people's eyes, most will stay inside the head of the same person for one scene, getting their thoughts and feelings on what is happening, and not switch until a new scene. There is nothing wrong as such with changing perspective during a scene, but you seem to flick backwards and forwards quite a bit. If you want to see inside the heads of both characters, it might flow better if you, for example, started from Amaroq's point of view then shifted to Maria's at an appropriate moment and stayed there for the rest of the scene.

I am genuinely interested to see where this plot is heading and I think that with a bit of polishing this could be a wonderfully dark story. I shall definitely be reading more. Good luck and keep writing!
Harmony'sLoveHP chapter 1 . 6/29/2013
A piece of advice is to not put spaces between your quotation marks and the words that come before or after, and to also not put a space between commas and ending punctuation. There were also a few grammar mistakes. Here’s a mistake, for example:
" It's like your condition... how you are doing whether bad , okay , or excellent." This is your sentence. It would read better as:
“It’s like your condition . . . . How you doing, whether it’s bad, okay, or excellent.”
“Maria wasn't sure what 'welfare' met , but it sounded important.” A better way for this sentence would be:
Maria wasn’t sure what “welfare” meant, but it sounded important.
I think it was good, overall. It’s the first chapter, but I was wondering if you explain how Amaroq met Maria later in the story. That would help to make things flow better. Amaroq seems creepy and mysterious to me. How old is Maria, exactly?
Luna Schlee chapter 4 . 6/29/2013
damn. that's some scary stuff.
AlysonSerenaStone chapter 1 . 6/28/2013
I liked this first chapter (here comes the but) but I found several mistakes that kind of took the focus away. Here's just a few:

" Why aren't you playing with the others ? " he questioned.- You don't need a space between quotation marks. They might not be there, but on the screen it looks like there is a space there.

" No but it would be nice , " Maria admitted , " and not feel like i'm in a stupid cage." Maria shook her head , her eyes like a downcast sky.- You don't need a space between commas either.

Amaroq had only started coming to talk to her since yesterday , and was already spewing forth lies that he cared for her.- No comma is needed between "yesterday" and "and."

Okay...I'm going to give this character thing a try. I think you have really creative names, which is good. In this first chapter I couldn't really get a sense other than mystery. Mystery is for a first chapter. It engages readers. However, the grammar mistakes took my attention off of the characters. With the mistakes, your interesting story was kind of difficult to read.
Luna Schlee chapter 3 . 6/20/2013
awwww! please update soon!
A. Nonymous1234 chapter 1 . 4/17/2013
This was... interesting. The names in this story are kind of weird in a creative sense. Creative names is something you have a skill in, I've learned from your other stories. There's a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes here. Also, another thing that bugged me is after your punctuation and speaking marks you but a space. Don't do that, it interrupts the flow in the story and makes it bumpy to read. The plot seems a little dark... I'll check back in on it.
Leech Lester chapter 1 . 4/16/2013
Definitely interesting. There are a few grammatical errors, but past that the content is good. Amaroq is totally creepy, but at the same time I kind of feel sympathetic for him, you know? I don't like him all that much because, well, he's kind of a perv. But I feel bad for him. I like how you give insight into the minds of both Maria and Amaroq. Great job over all. (:

L.L.