|Reviews for Zabrina: the Flower of the Desert|
| Snowfall Illusions chapter 2 . 4/22/2013
Yeesh, poor baby forgets her birthday and when her mom reminds her, she gets told about the creepy past...
Very great story from the mom, I want to hear more. Her mom hinted there was more... but seeing as this 'was the last time I ever say her alive' I'm guessing I'll have to wait for a while. Grr.
Glad the doggy is still alive for this chapter goober. Don't kill 'im or I'll be angry *angrily pouts*
I'm curious to these sunbursts and if its so hot, and these things are so dangerous, why is Zabrina going to 'lessons'...?
| CappyWag chapter 1 . 4/17/2013
A good read, I enjoyed your intro. I can't wait for more. A few comments, though:
I found it interesting that Storm was named partly due to storms "Tendency to appear when needed most." Coming from a rather dry climate, to me storms are very rare; maybe you could make a comment alluding to the wet climate that Zabrina is in, to help establish Storm's name?
Secondly, and I know that I have an awful tendency to do this too- you use a ton of semicolons. 10 in total, haha, but you use them mostly correctly (the last paragraph use is incorrect, as the second half after the semicolon is not an independent clause... just in case you care).
This usage is not at all a bad thing, but I point it out because you are writing in the voice of a thirteen year old. To me, semicolons establish orderly, flowing, connected thoughts. Most girls that age that I know do not think in such smooth ways; instead, it's a jump from one set of ideas to another to another. It's fine if Zabrina really is flowing in her thoughts like that, but just keep in mind what kind of voice you want to give your character.
Thirdly, in my extremely biased personal opinion, I dislike breaking the forth wall to introduce a character. I'm not saying change it- this is just an opinion.
Well done, and again, I look forward to more.
| LightningBolt21 chapter 1 . 4/16/2013
Not to bash the story, because it sounds very interesting but there were a few grammar mistakes that I found, now granted I'm not the best when it comes to grammar but this is what I saw.
'Mam and da said it was a waste' I'm assuming that you meant 'Ma and Da said it was a waste'
"I'm small, too," It should be 'I'm small too,' There is no need for a coma after small
'Hello. My name is Zabrina, and my story begins on my thirteenth birthday; the day I lost everything. Or, almost everything.' This is how I would write it 'Hello, my name is Zabrina and my story begins on my thirteenth birthday. The day I lost everything, well, almost everything'
Now, onto the story. Since the first chapter is so short there isn't much I can say other than I understand what the bond between girl and dog is like. I've had ten dogs in my life, and most of them have been strays that I've found on the road.
| Gorilla0132 chapter 1 . 4/16/2013
oh god don't kill the dog...for the sake of all that is good and holy do not kill the doggie...it'll be Marley and Me all over again :'(
| RBJohnson chapter 1 . 4/16/2013
I am officially intrigued, and I hope to read more soon.