What a sensational story beginning and I am devastated this was never completed. Bravo for what you started, though.

You need to update. Stat. :)

really good

Hahaha, Axis' first kiss is ON FIRE. Poor boy, totally blindsided like that... But what a great sequence. It's like plunging him headfirst into a much different (much more dangerous, dare I say?) world, and then he's left with that backwash of OMG, what have I gotten myself into here? But by then, he's in, and it's too late. The potential threat in the scene is ominous, but it does nothing to overwhelm the excitement and intimacy of the situation. Well balanced. I still feel like Axis is in over his head, especially the moment Chiaki kisses him. But it's not a dark, dark space. ...Yet.

I do suggest differentiating Wakamatsu and Taka in some more tangible way. At the end of the scene, I found myself tangling the two in my mind, unable to remember who had done exactly what without going back and re-reading. Give me something I can grab onto that makes Taka's behavior ONLY Taka, and Wakamatsu's behavior ONLY Wakamatsu. Right now, I feel they blend a little too much.

I have found a specific element that makes this expository treatment of a sequence of conversation more effective than the one where Jenna and Axis are chatting at school. It's the detail. There wasn't enough in the Jenna scene for me to get anything more than "they're talking till class starts." Here, it may be summarized, but I know exactly what Axis is asking, and I can imagine how the conversation is playing out more evocatively than I ever could with Jenna and Axis. Does that make sense? Please email me if not, and I'll elaborate/try to explain more clearly.

Grete

iHow can I, with my small life, ever begin to approach him?/i

Another poignant statement. Everyone thinks this about themselves at some point, and in terms of others. _

And the ill-fated autumn bloom. Just LOVELY.

Axis is much more willing to put his foot out there in this version, and I love it. He never felt completely helpless or willing to constantly be run over or anything (Bella Swan comes to mind, with the way she sits and lets the current shove her around in whichever direction it feels like going at the time, until the end when she finally finds a stride she can work with)... but this round, Axis has taken a clear grip on his life, though he may not realize it yet. He speaks his mind in a way he never did in the first version, and it's marvelous. Things he says to Chiaki here that never would have made it out into the light before. I feel like I can relate to him much more firmly, and that I'm rooting for him more.

And again, a great juxtaposition of the realism of Axis' dad's advice and Axis' expectations, both of his parents and of himself. I still don't have a concrete idea of whether the parents are truly awful, and I like that. It will really speak to younger readers, and the fluidity of it will appeal to older readers as well.

Grete

Yes, I am definitely getting the sense of Axis as a hurting but inherently hopeful child this time around. I really like it. It's also that now I know he's got more reason not to BE hopeful, and yet he still is, perpetually and against his will, I suspect. I'm not entirely sure it's a good thing for him, poor baby, because at this point he's still getting busted down to base level again and again. And yet there's that thread of unwavering expectation. Nicely done.

I like the little bits about Mrs. Onozawa, especially the calligraphy and how she works hard at it and makes it looks good. Tiny details that really shape a side character.

It's a good balance that, if Axis' mother's concerns are taken out of the context of his headspace, they sound perfectly legitimate, and it's Axis's perceptions (at this point) that are turning them into unreasonable requests. Good effect, very teenager-like, and it'll leave room for a change in either direction (parents are really fine vs parents are really rats), should one arise.

Chiaki's different, too, this time around, and I have yet to see all the ways this is true, but so far, it's a very positive effect in terms of character. I like this version right off. (I liked the first version, too, by the way; I love all the variety that can be found in the same characters in two different drafts.)

Axis? Darling? You'll need the uterus instead. *laughs helplessly*

iJenna and I enter the school building together and chat until it's time to go to class. /i

There's something expository about this sentence, and I think it's more because it comes in the middle of such patient meandering through Axis' thoughts and perceptions than it is because of the sentence itself. The sentence compresses entire scenes, and that's jarring because the rest has been such a smooth flow from thought to speech to sight to reaction to thought. I don't think the second half of the sentence is necessary.

What a fantastically unique way to describe Jenna's physical appearance! It's fresh and awesome and evocative.

The food. The great thing about this bit is that this is all delicious-sounding food. EXCEPT for the way it is described to make it the least appetizing, most stomach-churning thing ever. I can feel my belly growing leaden just reading it. It's subtle and tells me a lot about Axis right off. Also about his parents. Lovely!

iLike how a plastic top is a cheap piece of junk until you watch it spin, the world, through a train window, is always beautiful./i

I love the opening paragraph as a whole, but this in particular really strikes a chord. I've been here. I think a lot of people have.

I can feel the changes you've made from the original draft like a vague hint of a breeze corridor I just can't seem to step directly into. Which is great because that means nothing jars. _ I feel like a certain layer to the sense of doom is gone now, but can't put my finger on why. Axis' voice is slightly different as well. Not so resigned-flat as it was the first time. (Do not equate "flat" there with "bad"; there was a peculiar feeling of old age in Axis' voice then, like someone who has lived far too many years in too young a body, and has seen nothing but strife and neglect.) This Axis has a tendril of hope to him that I don't remember being there before, of waiting expectantly to see something better around the corner, and it adds an entirely different dimension to the character. I look forward to the next chapter! Which I shall go read right now. _

Grete

Love this! Can't wait for more:D

Woah, hang on, WHAT? You just really shocked me with that last few paragraphs! So this Haruto guy that's threatening Axis for some reason knows Chiaki? How weird is that? Cliffhangers are an invention of the devil! Now I'm dying to find out what this is all about xD
Loved the rest of the chapter. That's certrainly an unusual way to get your first kiss(es) :P I'm liking Chiaki more and more with every chapter. He's kinda mysterious and I like that. I loved how Axis decided to ignore his stupid curfew. It seems pretty strict anyway, though that fits with the way his parents behave otherwise.
Too bad it looks like we won't get a nice scene in the cat cafe. This Haruko guy sounds dangerous, so I doubt he'll just invite them to have a friendly chat over a cup of coffee to solve whatever conflict there is.
So, yeah, update asap because I'm slowly dying of anticipation here! ;)

Kudos to you for making the simple gesture of tying on a jacket make my heart thunder EVERY SINGLE TIME I READ IT. The descriptions are brimming with life and a floating sense of movement, and the mood is palpable. After the dismay Axis feels at the end of the last chapter, I didn't think ANYTHING would cheer him up. But Chiaki is, of course, a genius, and the particular fashion in which he chose to respond to Axis is making me swoon all over again.

I really liked the randomness of the caucasian boy with the port wine stain talking with the Japanese students, and I thought Axis's reaction to him was really believable.

Superbly written, delicious, suspenseful- and, and and THE ENDING! What the hell is going to happen next?

Favorite lines:
-["The atmosphere here does not at all suit."] Chiaki is SO EFFING SUAVE.
-["Kiss, kiss," chants Taka.] because it's so lyrical in the part where it occurs (and I love that they prize this out of Axis's name)
-[A killing gaze]

You have to write more! Please! Quickly!

oh oh oh what a cliffhanger! i have no idea what is going to happen now and i love it:)
i cant wait to read what happens next. the kissing scene was really cute to and there is really sense of axis being sweetly disorientated.

sukix

I rather like this so far. Normally I don't really like stories set in school but I'm a huge Japan fan, so I decided to give this a try anyway. And so far, I'm enjyoing it.
Axis' parents seem really strange. I mean, they don't sound like they hate their son or anything, but they just don't seem to understand him in the least. And what's that rubbish about "growing up bilingually makes you stupid"? They're teachers, they should know better than that! And it's absolutely terrible of them to raise him solely in English when they live in Japan. How is he ever supposed to fit in like that? They obviously don't want him to leave Japan either, so why in the world did they choose to make life so much harder for him?
I'm not criticizing your plot btw, I'm yelling at your characters for being dumb :P And when I'm yelling at characters, it means they feel real to me. So well done on that!
Anyway, I'm looking forward to more. I think this has the potential to turn into a really interesting story.

Wow! Once again, everything is so genuine, while not being overdone. You manage to surprise me, while still keeping that human aspect.

I'm really loving your story, and I'm still so intrigued. Great job writing off the emails in not only the story, but the character's mind. I could have almost forgotten about them too. You also did an excellent job with presenting Axis's family (and such an interesting family too; they somehow manage to come off as completely original while still coming off as rather typical-odd) as well as the Chiaki dilemma. I've so been there, writing and rewriting texts and emails and checking the address and all that. Chiaki's character also stays strong, and I'm seriously loving him already. What a nice guy.

Jenna, I felt like, was my favorite surprise of all. What a personality! And not cliche even in the slightest. It's amazing how you made me believe she was real, and their friendship was so quirky in so many great ways. Great job.

I also really thought this line was well done: "We play soccer, and I manage to mostly avoid being near the ball, so that's... a success? I think?" You didn't overdo this, which was a relief, and you made it seem real, just a regular part of life.

Here are the things that I caught:

1. "Hey!" I called, cycling up to her. - You have "called" in past tense, when it should be in present.

2. "Uh, not exactly." I start walking the rest of the way to school, and Jenna follows. Along the way, I tell her the story about meeting the man in the Internet café, leaving out the part about the weird email scare. She eats it up. / How could I have gotten so freaked out over a stupid email? On Saturday, I'd gotten something else from the same address: - This is a rather rushed, forced transition that doesn't really convince me. I know you indicate the "email scare" in the paragraph before the transition, but it's not enough to get me ready for it. Maybe before the whole "How could I have..." in the second paragraph, say something along the lines of "I wasn't worrying about those emails anymore." Just something to prepare your audience. "She eats it up" is also kind of a bland way to end the preceding paragraph.

3. Today, of course, my thoughts drift back to Chiaki, as they'd been wont to do all weekend. - You're making it sound as if it's still the weekend-"Just as they'd been wont to do during the whole weekend as well"? - You need a clearer separation. I know you have past tense to distinguish the time difference, but the audience just can't latch onto that indicator well enough.

Good work, and good movement. You brought in many new aspects wonderfully, and I can't wait to read more.

I really like this story so far. Your character has a great voice that I'm really enjoying-there's an interesting dichotomy of the confidence and openness in his head and his awkwardness and shyness outside that I think you have presented very well. Just as well, Chiaki also instantly has a character with him, something secondary characters can sometimes be left without for a while. He has a nice personality that I wouldn't have suspected from the outset. I also like how well you worked in the moment of awkwardness to further define Axis's personality. The list before was a nice touch too-unique and fit to develop your character, though it could be such a small thing.

This is probably my favorite sentence: "I try to say something, but it's just syllables falling useless from my tongue." There he is with his inner dialogue, just kind of saying things how they are. He's adorable.

There's also a great hint of mystery that has me intrigued. He is an open narrator, but maybe not as reliable, at least not yet. He's keeping pretty closed about what weird things are going on behind the scenes.

And now, since I can't really think of a proper transition, I also have some corrections and such for your rewriting (it's so weird for me not having a piece of paper to mark up.) I suppose I'll just list them.

1. When describing school uniform, you can probably allow your audience to assume which uniform is for the girls and which is for the boys, rather than labeling them. Though it fits your character's voice well enough to say (dudes) and (chicks), it is still a little block, and I think it would smooth out if you got rid of that.

2. "Vaguely I was thinking" is in past tense, rather than the present tense that you're otherwise keeping up very nicely. Go with "Vaguely I am thinking," or "Vaguely I think." Good on you for the first-person-present. You're doing a great job with it. That's a hard tense.

3. "Going to Osaka for me is more about being in Osaka than it is about being at any particular location within Osaka." -Say "the city" at end to avoid repetitiveness of "Osaka," unless you're repeating it purposely. It's really your choice, because either is fine.

4. "Some people, you just look at and think, "You have sex with pillows." Or at least I do. Maybe I've got freak-radar." Sounds like HE has sex with pillows. The following is place rather ambiguously. Make it clearer by saying something like: "Or at least that's what I think."

5. "And smack into somebody." This is a confusing following as well. The dramatic fragment doesn't quite work because the audience has to work to connect it back to "I hurry out" because of your modifier following that. Try something like, "And then I promptly smack into somebody" to give it more independence.

6. "I forget all about the floor and ceiling all over again." Repetition of "all." Take out the one after forget?

7. "20-somethings" is confusing.

Well, I'm definitely excited to read more of this story. I like your style, and the way you simultaneously employ mystery and complete openness is wonderful. I'll get back to you on your next chapter! (: