|Reviews for Those Who Hunt Us|
| Guest chapter 6 . 5/24/2013
| Laura Tear chapter 3 . 5/4/2013
Hmmm... Interesting. Why is is brother freaked out?
I love his name; poor bloke. He must have a rough time at school with a name like that.
| Laura Tear chapter 2 . 5/4/2013
Very nice _
No spelling or grammar mistakes which is always pleasing.
Really like this chapter - just enough to wet the appetite and make one want more.
I'll look forward to reading the next :)
| Lolitroy chapter 4 . 5/4/2013
Heh, I still can't get over what you said in the first chapter.
This chapter, I found intriguing. And your editor's good! I didn't find any mistakes as well :3
| blankslate37 chapter 4 . 5/3/2013
Love this story! Are you going to make a book and publish this like those professional authors? You should do it one time. KEEP ON GOING!
| Mango Sensei chapter 4 . 5/3/2013
this story is very interesting, and i rly like it. Each chapter is shorter then i expected though
| Lolitroy chapter 3 . 4/28/2013
Hmm? It's unusual to see a boy narrating the story. I want to see more of Allen and Viola! Why'd he get his name? And their grandma sounds awesome haha
I like how you're setting up the world around Viola before setting into action. Keep it up!
| Lolitroy chapter 1 . 4/28/2013
Wow, that was an awesome prologue! It's a really catchy idea!
You got my eye on this :)
I'm amazing? Thanks T-T you too :3
| Laura Tear chapter 1 . 4/27/2013
So my review:
I think the concept is really good, I like the idea of the grey winged child with the gold and black eyes. I think it's very cool. I have picture of a kick-arse kid in my head.
The story does need a bit of editing/proof reading and rewriting in some parts. I've found that in writing the most important thing is having the story flow. It's like a river, and if it's written to flow then people can sit on a boat and float down the river and enjoy the ride, but you've got to pull all the rocks out first because otherwise the boat hits the rocks and people don't enjoy it as much as they could.
I'd say you've got the river, you just need to pull out the rocks. There were some bit that I was reading and thinking "I'm not really following what's happening, but i'm getting the essence,"
The trick is refining the story so that it's all essence and no fluff. Books like 'The Hobbit' are all essence. The third Inheritance book had more fluff than I could handle but I'm here to review your story not theirs.
Anyway, some tips that I can suggest to pull out some of your rocks are these:
"Everyone knew that our peace lied within the Protectors." - my advise is to change it to read " our peace lay in the hands of.." or "lay with the..." It just needs a little bit of word play.
Later on you're talking about the humans believing the Ultrinian King is 'god'. In the context that you're using it the word needs a capital because its a name. If it was 'a god' it would be fine, but since it's singular, then a capital.
"Not one ever doubted his judgment" - this could also use a bit of word play. For example "Not one person ever doubted..." or "No one ever doubted..."
And the bit about the angels with black and white wings in the eyes of the Ultrinians I found a little difficult to follow. Perhaps you could try to reword it to make it more succinct.
But don't let my critic get you down! It looks great. You've got a good river, just a few rocks.
Best of luck with future writing.