Reviews for Apocalypse: WWIII
Sombrette chapter 2 . 5/30/2013
The idea of eating a crow is gross X{ I would be too wary of the diseases. But I guess when it's about's okay...I guess...;p

Something I noticed is you use a lot of sentence fragments in the writing. I was iffy about pointing them out previous chapter because this is in 1st person and sometimes the rules are different. However, I feel like parts like this :

[I wonder, for a moment, if there is any place in this hell that is still alive. {Or regrowing.}] - This seems like it can all be one sentence with a comma after 'alive'

[We both walk out the door and into the street. {Into the hot, dry air.}] - Same thing here. The 'into the hot, dry air' shouldn't be a stand alone sentence since it depends on the previous sentence. I'd suggest a comma instead of period.

[...hide us at least a little from any {wondering} eyes] - wandering

[I can see that Vince is {to}.] - too

So, since I mentioned the dialogue formatting last chapter I won't this chapter since I think you get the picture.

I'm really having a problem picturing the layout of the scenes...going back to what I said last chapter, this story could really use a boost in attention to detail. I don't know what anything looks like, the description is minimal since this story seems to focus on the character actions more than what's around them.

[I can hear the ground crunch underneath the {mans} feet...] - man's

[I breathe slowly{ } trying to calm myself.] - comma

[The man stands with his back to me{ } only a few feet away.] -comma

[Without even bothering to think about it, I kick the end of his gun.] - Wouldn't he have seen that coming? Especially if he's taller than her, that's a pretty high kick...and not really the reaction I would expect from someone on the other end of a rifle...frozen in fear seems more likely. o.O [I stand up, pull my knife from my pocket and sink it into the side of his neck.] - And wasn't she standing up already? I mean she just kicked his gun. This is what I mean about attention to detail, it would cause less confusion.

[the corner at a run and slips in the {mans} blood.] - man's

I'm not really seeing the purpose of these people using money anymore. I mean, the world's dead. Is there still a government? What point would currency have in this world if society isn't functioning anymore. Weapons would be the currency, food/water, drugs, medicine, clothes, even people, as you said there is slavery now... Just something to think about.

[so fast it feels like {its} about to burst.] - it's

[Another loud shot fires{ } echoing around the room making my ears ring.] - comma

[just above our heads in the rack{ } sending shards of metal flying.] - comma

[The man yells{ } sending another shot just behind me.] - comma

[ He uses a brown cloth, I didn't know he had, from his pocket to clean the cut. This kind of pisses me off because I used my shirt to clean his wound.] - Seems like a really miniscule thing to get 'pissed' over...

[I tilt my head confused. Also, a bit nervous.] - This could be one sentence. The second sentence relies on the first.

The characters, especially Vince, could use more depth. Right now they are just two people who we don't know much about. Really the only thing I can say I know about Jenniqua is she watched her family die from toxins and somehow managed to survive herself, that's about it...and she doesn't mind eating crow ;p Vince...I don't even remember what he looks like. Hot, apparently, from her vague description last chapter. But I can't remember what his specific features were. Does he have little personality quirks? There's not much to him at the moment, he's just someone... Taking the time to flesh out these characters would really help this story. I am getting the same vibe from The Road, an apocalyptic story, with cannibalism and the likes. Pretty interesting and you can really take this somewhere. Just... like I said, beef up that description to help us out :D

Good luck with the rest of your writing :)
Sombrette chapter 1 . 5/29/2013
Hey, from Labyrinth forum :)

Alright so,

The way this starts is pretty catching. First person isn't my preference, nor is present tense so these two perspectives together sort of take way for me. But, that's just me. The writing itself is good and easy to follow, although sometimes I feel like there could be more description of the girl's surroundings. Specifically when she was in the room where the story began. There was some description but I think more attention to the scenes would benefit the reader some.

I'm curious, when she said most women were destroyed. Why? What caused their devastation more than men? I can get why now, being a woman after there are so little it would be dangerous. It's also interesting how she has to hide herself. I think that adds to her character.

One thing I would like to see more is some more info on why everything is so 'dangerous'. Like the water and food, and certain areas. It seems like the fact is just put out there without a reason as to why. So the world is scorched because of Nuclear warfare. Then I'm assuming everything is toxic because of the radiation. I don't think it would hurt to go in depth about these things, it would give your world some more value.

Here's another example of something that can use more explanation:

[I sat in horror and had to watch as my family slowly died. Little sister, baby brother, mother, father. Everyone I loved and cared about. I'm the last one left. I would have killed myself if I hadn't known that, that isn't what they would want. So, I survive. For them. I'll fight till the end. I won't give up.] - Why was she the only one to live out of all of them? Wasn't she breathing the same air and ingesting the same toxins? The 'sat in horror and had to watch my family...' bit reads a little odd. Since the picture I'm getting is just her sitting there watching them die, completely unaffected by the air herself. Maybe reword it to something like: 'In horror, I had to watch my family die a slow death, one by one, my little sister, baby brother...' - But that's only a suggestion.

Some grammar mistakes:

[A man hung {my} his throat...] - Should be 'by'

[Noxious fumes float high in the air with the unseen clouds {blocking most of the suns light to come down.}]- Reads a little weird. Maybe re-word to something like: '...unseen clouds preventing the sun's light from penetrating through...' - or along those lines.

[I sigh and continue to walk forward{ }ignoring my deep want for water.] - Should be a comma between 'forward' and 'ignoring'

[to taking the {birds} feathers out.] - bird's

[After a while I have the bird thoroughly {cook}.] - cooked

[I walk quietly forward{ } looking around cautiously.] - comma between the brackets

[Usually, when you make it to cities{ } they are still occupied.] Comma

[Itake off my torn, dirty shirt and put on the {not torn, dirty one.} ] - missing space between 'I' ans 'take' and I think you can just say '...put on the black shirt I found' otherwise it just sounds like repetition since you used 'torn' and 'dirty' twice in the same sentence.

["Hi{.}" I say, my voice steady.] - The period after 'Hi' should be a comma since the dialogue tag 'I say' follows.

[He laughs and backs away from me a little{,} "Thanks for the show, babe. If I were you,...] - That comma should be a period because it's not a dialogue tag.

[It's nice being thin sometimes, especially since I have strong legs. I can get myself farther, faster. {It's because I'm so light weight.}] - The 'I'm so light weight' sentence is unnecessary since we gathered that being thin (which means she's light weight) she can run faster.

[...melt when it's {sent} reaches my nose.] - scent

[I shake my head roughly and glare at him{,} "I am not some...] - Change the comma to a period.

[He smirks{,} "They have a big {pin} full of them just...] - comma should be a period, and I'm pretty sure you meant 'big pen' as in chicken pen not pin.

[He laughs again{,} "Yeah. Lots of them."] - should be a period. I'm noticing most of the dialogue is not formatted correctly so I'll just say, instead of pointing every single one out, that when you have a piece of dialogue like this what follows or begins has specific punctuation. The 'He laughs again' is an action tag since laughing is an action, well, unless he's laughing the words out but I don't think he is. Action tags have periods and are their own sentences, where dialogue tags ( phrases like he said, she said , I say, I replied) have commas since they can't stand alone without the piece of dialogue they are part of.

He laughs again. "Yeah. Lots of them." - Period 'cause of action tag.

He laughs again and says, "Yeah. Lots of them." - The comma there is okay because I've made it into a dialogue tag by adding 'and says'. This is just a small formatting issue, but I'd go back and fix up the dialogue punctuation to tighten up the story.

[ "Some form of life somewhere." I whisper.] - Wasn't there forms of life outside? Those people shooting them and what not and the chicken pen? o.O lol

And I'm not too fond of her just accepting his companionship just because he gave her some food and because he's 'searching' like her. I would think that she would be a lot more skeptical of a new presence especially since being a woman is dangerous and he's a guy...It seems much too easy IMO...I think it could be dragged out, with some character building or whatever...but meh...that's just me.

So overall, this is a nice beginning. As I said before present tense isn't my preference. It's limiting and I'm seeing that here. I think you could spend more time with attention to Jenniqua's (cool name) senses. Touch, smell, sight, sound, taste to make the story richer because right now it's jumpy. It's her action from one thing to another with not much description. I feel like the very beginning of this had good description, but as the chapter went on it sort of faded. The world is interesting so I just would like to know more about how exactly it has changed, you know?

Anywho...sorry for this crazy long review and my nitpickyness, just trying to give some tips on how to make this a bit tighter. Hopefully it helps, but feel free to ignore my suggestions. On to the next chapter :)