|Reviews for After Blast|
| Rovera chapter 1 . 5/4/2013
A good idea, and fun to read.
You were rich in details at the beggining (the drinking and missing the bucket, the details about the desolation and war) but I felt that, at the climax, you reduced the details. The reading gets faster (which is good in a action scene) but I wanted to taste the tension a little longer
Pay it forward
| DeaD-VoRTeX chapter 1 . 4/30/2013
Cool story, bro - short and sweet. You've left a lot of mystery and things unexplained, but I think it definitely works here. Your world seems like one where too much has happened to possibly fit into a 1000-word story, so it's good that you didn't go into deep explanations - it leaves a lot to be guessed at. ;)
You may just want to take another quick look at your grammar in places - I noticed a few misplaced commas and an incorrect use of a capital letter or two, but nothing major. As another person said, the story is heavily speech-based, though I think it works here. One thing that I found a little unbelievable, however, was when Chambers chugs a whole can of beer and throws it away in one sentence. Perhaps it would be better if you were to draw it out over a few lines of speech, or even indicate that a period of time has passed between her opening it and throwing it at the bin. Sorry if it seems nitpicky, but it just seems a little too quick to be believable.
Overall, good job! It's a nice, it brief, little story with an interesting theme.
| kingofgoblins chapter 1 . 4/29/2013
In opening, the story isn't too bad. Not too good, not too bad. I think you have an interesting premise, of course, but one that is done quite often nowadays. It has a distinct Fallout sort of feel, which is fine, as long as you bring something new to the table. You are quite good at writing dialogue, and I think you know that, which is why you wrote so much of it in this first chapter.
One of the first things I noticed is that you overuse descriptions of “said”. Such as noted, replied, responded, stated, sarcastically replied, amusingly asked, irritatingly came back with, continued, and so on. While it is a good idea to change up the word you use to denote dialogue, it is okay to use the word, “said.” This is a common flaw for early writers, but the word, “Said” becomes a sort of chameleon in dialogue. It blends in and doesn't leap out at the reader, which is oftentimes a good thing. Too many synonyms of “said” gets to be sort of glaring to the reader.
You also overuse italics. I know you use it to show emphasis on words, but you should use it sparingly. Once again, it just gets bad for the reader.
That execution was out of the blue. I recommend revising that so it doesn't seem so random.
Overall it isn't too bad, you just focus on dialogue A LOT more than you should. Describe some more things to the reader. In this chapter the reader gets an idea for how these characters talk but we get very little detail about the visuals of the place. Remember to use all 5 senses in your writing.
For example, you could go into detail about the odor of the room. You already have dialogue explaining it, but as the narrator go into greater detail. Perhaps something like, “The bitter scent of a hundred beers wilted through the air, clogging Lt. Aspen's nostrils with it's stench.”
So just continued writing and take into account what I've said and you should be off to a good start. You have a decent story so far, but you could make it soooooo much better. I look forward to seeing what you do.
| Vael chapter 1 . 4/29/2013
If nothing else I like this story for the contrasting personalities conflicting in an air of doom. And told (almost) entire through fluid and engaging dialogue.
I would agree with Cynthia on the point that more can be done with post-apocalyptic stories than this, but the story here felt complete. I would dispute her claim though that it needs more background information or exposition. Frankly, the strong point of this is the lack of such block-like slabs of information. The reader can form an image in his or her mind about the events that led to this and much can be implied already.
The only thing I'm surprised about is the drunken Chamber's ability to steal the gun from a perfectly sober fellow lieutenant. I'm also surprised their would still be power after a nuclear detonation, but this is a military outpost, I suppose. Anyway, good job. :)
| Cynthia Lauren chapter 1 . 4/29/2013
This is pretty good, but I wish it would continue. There's a lot that can be done with post-apocalyptic stories and such. Some background information would be great as well. Lastly, your rating is definitely off. K should be at least T if not M. Language, alcohol, and a little violence there at the end.