|Reviews for a dream of red|
| Aaron Ledgers chapter 1 . 8/27/2013
Amazing for a first time Author.
| Shay Zana chapter 1 . 5/25/2013
Strongly descriptive, delicate, and very engaging. I can't wait to read on.
Also, please check out my sci-fi, Dimension. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated :)
| CeruleanBlade chapter 3 . 5/23/2013
Once again, you astound me with your writing abilities! :) You really have a knack for this and I hope you'll continue. I especially love the whole scene in which you portray. Very well written.
| CeruleanBlade chapter 2 . 5/20/2013
You have talent! :)
I can't wait to read more, you really have an understanding in this story. I will continue at once!
| riverstardust chapter 2 . 5/20/2013
youre still missing full stops / But you make up for it with good description. This chapter brings out questions, making me wanna read more ) (I wonder who this person even is and what his name is. I do see that he works for a king, is he a knight?)
| riverstardust chapter 1 . 5/20/2013
Your description is lovely! There are some mistakes here and there. Like, you forgot to capitalize the
"But it never happened. every living thing" E for every since its the beginning of a new sentence. You also forgot fullvstops and :
But overall, this chapter was good! The ending, too, was captivating. Good luck writing! D
| Guest chapter 4 . 5/9/2013
thats pretty interesting. i am quite interested in the boys's name though
| JaveHarron chapter 4 . 5/8/2013
Okay, a few comments. I saw you tried adding a few metaphors, but there's still some issues with grammar and spelling. Furthermore, what is magic in this world and how does it act? What are your settings 'rules'? Even if you don't tell us, it's important the writer knows. Is it something that can be used as a technology (like Mieville's "Perdido Street Station"), a dark and subtle force beyond the understanding of humanity (like in Howard and Lovecraft), or something more obvious and flashy (like generic fireball tossing wizards)?
| J.R.Greene chapter 1 . 5/8/2013
You did a good job on this! I enjoyed your descriptions because they focused on what seems to be important in a dream; it's vivid! I hope to look into reading the other chapters soon.
| kaileemet29 chapter 2 . 5/7/2013
This is really good! Nice story all around. You really do well with your descriptions
| OldAccount1 chapter 4 . 5/7/2013
Wow! I definitely think this is your best chapter so far and you are improving a lot! Adding the metaphors and descriptions really clear things up for me as a reader and draws me closer to your characters. Also, try to use your main character's name more often instead if calling him 'He'. Otherwise, keep up the good work and keep on improving!
| JaveHarron chapter 3 . 5/5/2013
Okay, saw your story and had a few comments. A few metaphors would definitely improve things. We have little physical description of the character, their clothing, etc. Your chapters seem very short, especially given the rather quick and rapid fire nature of your prose (which is decent). Likewise, the setting you've created gives me some questions, although there's too much "tell" and not enough "show" in the third chapter.
| Complex Variable chapter 1 . 5/5/2013
[colour bathing the entire town.] - - - I would do "bathed", not "bathing".
[This was the new scenery of the valley.] - - - I don't think this sentence is necessary.
[Looking through the intact window, he saw
A fireplace still burning, the kettle on the stove. ] - - - Fix this skip, please. :3
[filling the silent world with the sound of silence.] - - - Redundant. Just say "filling the world with the sound of silence."
[to grasp it, to keep his salvation..] - - - 1) You have two periods; 2) I would remove [, to keep his salvation].
There are definitely many evocative, lyrical passages in this chapter. I like that. :) You conjure a disturbing scene, and you do it well, to boot. Very moody. I could see the destructed town in my mind quite well. Also, I like that you have newspapers in this fantasy story! Yay for quasi-modern mass media technologies and institutions! :D
There is still some editing needed, however. You can clean up some of the phrases and comma usages.
One thing that does bother me about this, however is the way you suddenly introduce the male figure into the narrative. Prior to the line [It filled his ears, his eardrums with the heavy, ominous pressure, and filled his mind with nothingness.] there's no indication that any character is here. I think that the problem is that you put this first line with a "his" in it at the end of a paragraph. I would actual cut out the "It filled his ears…" sentence and have the first sentence that mentions the male figure be:
[Instinct urged him that he had to get out of this place, stay hidden or be the darkness' next victim..]
Keeping this sentence as a separate paragraph makes it more noticeable, and thus, puts more emphasis on the fact that the scene has just gained a narrator. As a rule, try not to introduce characters in an off-hand manner.
Also, the ending is slightly confusing.
[As he strided towards that seeming unreachable star, blobs oozed out from the dark liquid pooled around his feet, swirling around as if in a dance] - - 1) This sentence needs a period at the end. 2) You introduce this dark liquid too suddenly. It would be more courteous to your readers to let first them know that there IS a pool of dark liquid around his feet, and then, in a separate sentence, show the blobs emerging.
Also, where are the "blue flames" coming from? Are they floating toward him, from a distance, or did they suddenly appear out of thin air? Being mysterious means telling the reader the information they need to visualize the scene, but not necessarily all the information they need to UNDERSTAND it. Not saying what is happening is something that one should try to avoid, especially if that something is happening and the reader, going into the story, has no idea what it is.
| CeruleanBlade chapter 1 . 5/5/2013
Very captivating, good grammar (which is hard to find nowadays) and all around, intriguing. I can't wait to see what you intend to do next. :)
| Psykofreac chapter 3 . 5/5/2013
omg i lov this
this chp really captivated me! ill be waiting to read more!
i really love your story n i really like yur character's (Vaaldor) name
psst. im just a first time writer and i aspire to write as well as you.
if its possible could you review on my work? i really wish to improve
thank you very much!