|Reviews for Voyage of the Dawn Rider|
| Smoke and Sweeper chapter 1 . 10/26/2015
Sorry if I'm offending, but this sounds like the Artemis Fowl series. The one with all the hightech fairy races being all underground.
| m. b. whitlock chapter 3 . 8/10/2013
I am enjoying the start of Demlin's adventure. Really like the opening paragraph.
"I'm on my way to experience one of two things, either getting my head cut off, or get that promotion they keep promising me."
Lines like the one above do a good job of establishing Demlin's character. I like his voice. Here are a few other notes:
Think you're missing something here:
"Oh well, never let it be said that when old Druss Demlin fucks up, he does*n't do* it in a royal manor."
I'm a little confused by your use of the verb 'lace' here: "to lace out the food onto our plates". Maybe you mean 'ladle food onto our plates' or 'load food onto our plates'?
One other thing, you might want to be a bit more consistent formatting Demlin's inner thoughts. Sometimes you use quotation marks and sometimes you just reveal them in the narrative. I'm occasionally not sure whether Demlin is saying something out loud or privately to himself.
Well, I'm eager to read more. The captain and the new women characters are very interesting people. Plus, the origin of the Ogres sounds like quite a mystery...
| m. b. whitlock chapter 2 . 6/24/2013
Lots of fun descriptions and concepts in this chapter.
Here are my notes:
This sentence runs on a bit. I would split it up:
"Pyrra is a medium sized planet with two continents, a race of humans lives here, they are just now entering an industrial period, however much of Pyrra is devoted to agriculture, but there are many industries located here as well, many subcontract with companies located on Thyra."
"Proxima is also where almost 90% of the remaining Ogre population was deported to in a move that no government on Isseth will ever talk about."
Now, if 'no government will talk about' the Ogre deportation I doubt a government agency would have put out this information. ;) I am really looking forward to finding out the origins of this pamphlet.
Formatting error – there's an extra line splitting up this sentence:
"It is also forbidden for lesser races to travel, say to, Bal Sara or Gyor's Forge to
study in the universities. "
I like the attitude here. You might want to consider breaking it up into separate sentences though:
"Goks are also underachievers, they can't exactly be called lazy*.* *W*hen required, they have proven to be very industrious and quite ingenious in solving problems."
"Goks were "discovered" about 100 cycles after the last Ogre war a few cycles after the Elves first landed on Garesh III."
'Discovered' by who?
I love this:
"The only "city" in the Cantard is Mooncall, a haven for every misfit on the planet."
Can't wait to meet some of those misfits. :)
This is a really fun world you're describing. I look forward to meeting those who live in it.
| m. b. whitlock chapter 1 . 6/24/2013
I enjoyed this first chapter. I really like the concept of an 'informative pamphlet' to give your readers an introduction to your fictional world. It definitely lends authenticity. :) The only critique I have is that sometimes the 'voice' and 'attitude' of the pamphlet is far more like that of a trusted colleague or friend, or maybe a 'rough'/underground traveling guide, and far less like a vetted, watered-down piece of propaganda (what you'd expect from a planetary governmental agency).
Who is reading this guide? Is it a character we will meet later on? Who wrote it and why? I'm also wondering if the writer is a character we might meet. These are all really fun cool questions and if I didn't care about your world I wouldn't be asking them. :) Overall I am super impressed with the depth of your imagination and I really like your sense of humor. Lots of funny asides and witty observations throughout.
Here are notes I took as I read:
"it's history, for further reading, please visit anyone of the government"
"it's" should be the possessive form 'its'.
"Who We Are;"
I am wondering why you use a semicolon (;) here and not a colon (:)
"High elves have less pronounced ears or slanted eyes than their darker cousins."
Are the 'dark' elves actually darker?
I really like this:
"the Dark elf females are some of the most beautiful women in the galaxy. Although there is always lively debate, IQ's between the two races is negligible, both races are extremely intelligent."
It doesn't sound like government agency produced copy though, much more like a close friend or an underground guide.
"The rumors and stories of Faeries being mischievous, and mean spirited are generally untrue, some of the witches and even a storm warden or two have "reputations" most are easy going, and as long as you don't bother them, they tend to mind their own business."
Another example of the 'friendly'/'in the know' attitude you portray. Perhaps a small, elite military/intelligence division might put out something like this...
"Note; Te festival of Heaven Light is a ten day celebration of magic, tradition, sex, art, debauchery, and anything else one can think of."
I'd consider changing this to: 'Note: The Festival of Heavenly Light is a ten day celebration of magic, tradition, sex, art, debauchery, and anything else one can think of.'
I love the way you depict the media sector:
"Three cycles ago, Queen Tianna received quite a bit of notoriety when she attended the festival as a guest of Queen Kolee."
"Females can be very attractive and buxom, but please do not rile the ladies, the last thing you want is an angry female after you."
Like the humor. Again I can't imagine a government tourism board saying something like this.
"Pixies cannot speak, but communicate strictly by telepathy, everyone can "talk" with Pixies, and if you can't, it's thought you may be experiencing the onset of a brain disease."
Great detail above! Love it. :) Here's another one:
"Those that do serve aboard starships command very high salaries most of that money goes back to their families, or to a community "pot" Pixies are very communal, so everything is shared, there are no "poor" Pixies."
"265 Cycles ago the last war was fought with the Ogres, it was a damn close run thing, but through a couple of lucky breaks, the combined forces of the Elves, Faerie, and Dwarves, the Ogres were thrown back and defeated."
The section above also sounds like the opinion/analysis of an individual, not a general statement from a bureaucracy.
Really fun, cool story so far. I'm on to Chapter 2.
| InkHound chapter 1 . 6/23/2013
You've got a lot of story published so far, but I was unable to make it past the fourth chapter. I'll start with the simplest things first and go from there.
I'm unsure of how reoccurring it is in your work (you made mention of it in your author's page, so I imagine it is quite often), get rid of the full chapters of entirely bolded text. It is very easy to do, even after you copy/paste the content into document upload. Go back, edit the chapters, select ALL of the bolded text, then hit the bold icon and it should fix it right away. Nothing will turn a reader off your work faster than coming across a chapter that's in a big chunky bold font. Bold and italics are to be used minimally and with great discretion at all times, they can be a great tool if wielded properly.
Second, your solid first two chapters of creature/world details under the guise of a 'pamphlet' for readers. Get rid of it. They read more like the personal reference notes used by the writer, they are typically never injected into the work itself so cut and dry, never mind used as the first and second chapter of your story! If someone wanted read just straight creature notes, they would pick up a D'n'D book, they would not be looking for stories on fictionpress. If you want the readers to know about any of these things, you need to insert the knowledge into the story as it becomes relevant to the reader; they should only learn about these different aspects as the story progresses, and from the characters or narrator of the work directly.
Third, review your paragraph and dialogue structure. Every time a different person speaks, new paragraph! There are no exceptions to this rule, ever. Break up your paragraphs whenever you broach a new subject or idea, and a new paragraph whenever someone speaks.
Also, stop typing from time to time, go back, and read your work out loud. This is one aspect that I can never stress enough to writers when I critique there work. A lot of your sentences are too long, awkward, or simply don't read correctly. To smooth out your sentence structure and to fix any jarring qualities they display, read it out loud, hear the way it sounds when spoken, and edit accordingly.
I have no doubt this is a very interesting story, but I can not make myself get into it and learn about the characters when you make a lot of errors like this repeatedly, and so early on in the story. For a lot of individuals, if that first sentence on the first page does not hook them, they will move on to other things, especially in this day and age where so many things are competing for their attention. If you want more readers and reviews, you have to make them really want to read your story, right from the start.
Thank you for sharing your work, and I hope you continue to improve as a writer.
| Axds123 chapter 24 . 6/18/2013
The ball is in your court Queen Tianna