|Reviews for The little collection of snippets and one-shots|
| The Voice Of Silence chapter 1 . 2/2/2018
In the first line, second sentence, I think you meant rucksack. Also, in the third sentence, maybe put a "where" between "place" and "no." In the third line, I think you meant "who" not "would." And in the same sentence, the first "now" is unnecessary, because of the second one at the end of the sentence. In the third line, third sentence, it would be "heard floorboards creaking," or "heard a floorboard creak." In the seventh line, third sentence, I think you meant "supposed" instead of "suppose." And also, just a little grammar error I noticed, but when there is a new speaker, you are supposed to start a new line, and indent it. Fiction press won't let you indent it, but you can still start a new line. For example, in line seven, you should have "what" as a new line, because it is a new speaker. And, in line twelve, wouldn't "lost all train of thought" sound better? Maybe it's just me. In line fourteen, I don't think emerald should be capitalized. To be honest, I am a sucker for a good romance, but that's a secret, so shh. Other then the mistakes, this is really good. I like it.
| Monty Mason chapter 1 . 11/1/2015
First off, just gonna throw this out there that some things stated in this review may sound harsh. But they’ve been mentioned here with the intention of helping you improve rather than discourage.
I won’t go too in-detail for the grammar, but will point out what I can. With that mentioned, here is the first one: Luna is a vampire, Ash is [a] Archangel.
Correction: Luna is a vampire, [and] Ash is [an] Archangel.
Grammar: Now, a place to put it while I was gone, a place no one else would come across it.
Suggestion: Now, a place to put it while I was gone, a place [where] no one else would come across it.
Grammar: Everyone [would eats] would now be fast asleep [by now].
Correction: Everyone [who already ate] would now be fast asleep.
When the “spy” speaks his first dialogue, you should start it off in another paragraph. Also the wording of that dialogue can use some work. If you were to say it out loud to yourself, it (at least to me) sounds quite awkward, something a person wouldn’t normally say.
Again you tend to include a bunch of dialogues in one paragraph, they would work better if split apart rather than being squished together. Also you may want to scan over them for their grammar. On one of them there was a period mark missing.
This is more of a suggestion based on the “Wow. He actually kissed me!” response from Luna, think about mentioning her age. If she is a teen or younger than that, the response makes sense in the way it’s worded. However if she is supposed to be a grown adult, then I would recommend trying to include more feelings in that response.
Spelling: I don’t know yet but I am kind of mad to be [going] this thing alone
Correction: I don’t know yet but I am kind of mad to be [doing] this thing technically I wouldn’t call this a one-shot, a one-shot is meant to be a self-contained story with a beginning, middle and an end. This is just a snippet that could be worked into a potential story which doesn’t make for a great reading experience. Were you to not call this a “one-shot” and just say “story ideas”, expectations would be different when going into this.
What you could improve one:
1 – Detailing character feelings.
2 – Grammar (little aspects of it).
3 – Wording of the dialogues (some of them sound a little off, something people wouldn’t normally say in the way it’s said).
4 – Expanding this to have it be a self-contained story, or just call it “story ideas” instead of an “one-shot”.
5 – Building character tension and atmosphere. Due to this being a snippet, it felt this was happening TOO fast. In fact we don’t even know these characters well so why should we care about them within this romantic context? I was more intrigued by what Luna was going to do at the “Isle of Shadows” than the characters themselves. So even if this was a fully fleshed out one-shot, I still wouldn’t have cared about the characters as they’re right now.
What you did well one:
1 – Pacing. Going by what little there was here, pacing seemed well done.
Unfortunately the improvement points outweigh what you did well on. And that is purely due to the expectations I get as a reader when someone says “one-shot” which to me this was not. If you read manga, go read one-shots and you’ll find they tend to have a self-contained story. In fact most major manga publications begin as a one-shot, but they’re written in such a way that they leave a possibility for expansion open.
There is definitely a lot of room for improvement here, at least on the first chapter. I hope this review helps you out, if not then I hope you’ve learnt something at least from it :).
~ Monty Mason