|Reviews for Convict's Blood Rewrite|
| alltheeagles chapter 3 . 3/17
For the RG EF
I like how you don't go too overboard with the Australian setting like trying to portray a Crocodile Dundee accent in the dialogue, but I think a little more than just mentioning baobabs wouldn't hurt either. This is because the Australianness of the setting is central to your entire plot after all, so I think it'd be quite proper to have more mention of wallabies and so on (thought that might come across as cliched). I rather like 'you' as described in the exchanges with the narrator, though I have to say that the appearance of 'you' in this chapter was a little sudden. One moment she was talking about the Jesse boy and the next, 'you' was in the picture. I wonder when it'll be explained who this 'you' is, but you've already said it doesn't come so soon, I I guess I shall just have to be patient.
| alltheeagles chapter 2 . 3/13
For the RG EF (Rule 10 Make up Review)
For the most part, I like how you're building up the socio-economic background of the MC and her family so vividly through the characters' dialogue. I like the father-daughter bonding in the father's lines and the sly double entendres in the villains' lines. For the CC part, I'd reiterate on my point of consistency of voice during the beginning descriptive passage - I feel that phrases like 'laboring my breath' (gasping?), 'fluttering my eyes' (blinking?) just don't gel with the informal, 'country' tone of the MC. And then later on there's the casual / childish 'real dark skin' and 'fluffy sheep'. IMHO you could commit more fully to the casual narration style, or provide an explanation on why the MC would be using 'big' words.
| alltheeagles chapter 1 . 3/11
For the RG EF
I like the strong personality that comes across immediately even from this very short prologue. I'm a little hesitant over the use of 'philosophical' and 'destined' together with all that general earthiness and folksy tone, but well, maybe the MC's educated. The bit I don't quite like is the second person pronoun. Well you already mentioned that in your AN, and from there, I gather plenty of other readers have already commented on it, in which case why don't you do something about it? I would suggest, since this is an internal monologue, that you include some descriptions or suggestions to the identity of 'you' somewhere in that monologue so that this matter will be forever be put to rest.
| Kicks-and-Giggles chapter 7 . 3/11
Oh, I get to read your work again! I saw your name on the RG boards and got so excited! :D
What was interesting about the grandfather's character was that he was racist and hypocritical (very clearly so) but there was something about the way he said he was doing everything for his family that made me relate to him more. I feel like he's a very realistic character with unlikable personality traits but understandable nonetheless. Given that we see him only through Alice's eyes, I think that's a pretty remarkable feat to achieve! Nice job!
His dislike for Adam is also very believable ('cuz... let's face it... Adam is a pretty awful person). The fact that he set aside his dislike for Boronia and declared that he would protect her against Adam was also very believable. Also, that part of the story set off warning bells in my head: that something's about to happen between the grandfather and Adam. Uh-ohhhhh! Makes it more interesting - and makes me want to read more (like I didn't have enough incentive to do that already!) :D
Okay, great chapter, again! If I remember correctly, we didn't know that "you" was Alice's grandpa, right? I wonder what it was that made you reveal it was her grandpa in this chapter specifically. There didn't seem to be a great significance in this chapter to finding out that "you" was a grandfather. Also, the thing that surprised me about the reveal was that I was expecting a younger person - someone middle-aged. Maybe that's just 'cuz I was reading the signs wrong?
| Persevera chapter 1 . 3/10
I know I read and reviewed most of this story before but I don't see my reviews, so here we go with your rewrite.
Your opening line about the dying man is curious if it actually is her father, because I thought he had died while he was in the war. That's quite a change since his being gone then dead had put her at the mercy of others. I'm interested to see how that all plays out now.
I like that she appears to be talking to the convict. If it's still her grandfather, that suggests a conversation in the afterlife, but I liked the old curmudgeon.
Even though he probably won't answer, we will probably get some idea of what he says to her by her next lines. That should be interesting, especially since I can imagine his being rather incensed at some of the things that happen to her.
I like that she calls her life a "piercing scream," compared to the "soft whisper" of most people. Somewhere along the way, she became a poet.
| Suzi Stevens chapter 2 . 1/5
Wow, a gripping start. The language your using is very easy to understand and read, after looking at it I thought it would be a problem but you have it flowing well. I like how the story is being told by someone much older than the little girl we are reading about. The perspective is neat and doesn't add things that a little girl wouldn't notice.
I don't really have any criticism to give you about this chapter.
Until I couldn't run no more - sounds very much like a double negative... but after reading further I guess its not a problem.
xXSXx (returning reviews)
| Suzi Stevens chapter 1 . 1/5
A very intriguing prologue. And very short :) Makes me wonder who she's addressing (I hadn't read the bit at the bottom at that point) And what stories have been told her?
Looking forward to getting my teeth in to the promised reviews :)
| Smonorkith chapter 5 . 11/7/2013
["We only heard sheep. No horse."] I think 'heard' should be 'herd' here.
That was the only spelling/grammar thing I spotted that was wrong in this chapter, so that's good! This chapter was, again, really good at portraying the times as they were, The kids not being allowed to play together in the open and Umoreo telling her that they wouldn't be allowed to marry are perfect examples of the kind of segregation Aborigines had to deal with. I love again the fact that through Alice's eyes everything is so innocent.
Adam rubbed me the wrong way from the first time he was introduced in chapter one, now this is just a whole new level of slimy.
Right, now for your questions.
1- I guess dirty skin means he's black/an aborigine
2- I can only imagine his sister was the victim of a rape (or perhaps it happened on multiple occasions) leaving her pregnant. Unfortunately in those days there wouldn't have been much in the way of justice for an aborigine.
3- He's a full on creepy sex offender.
4- I think I've got the idea of what Adam did.
-from the roadhouse
| Eiya Weathes chapter 4 . 11/5/2013
Hello again from the Roadhouse!
It's amazing how much "showing" your writing style does. It's really easy to get into your story because of it, if that makes any sense. I like how natural and conversational your prose is. It really adds character to Alice's voice and compliments the easy atmosphere you've set up for the plot.
I like the highlighting of the importance of family here. The way you incorporate values and moral lessons in the story line is almost effortless and something I wish I could do. Another job well done!
| Eiya Weathes chapter 3 . 11/5/2013
Hello from the Roadhouse!
I am in love with the sense of realism in this story. I honestly don't know how you do it, but kudos to you!
I am more than glad that there's more insight regarding Alice's relationship with her Pa. It's clear to me that Pa loves her very much and would do anything for her, but is at the same time, fighting his own demons and struggling with his emotions. There are a lot of published novels out there that fail to see the importance of a parental relationship in stories. There's always a main character whose parents are either dead or passive or too busy with work to actually participate actively in said main character's life. With that said, it's refreshing to finally read a story with the relationship Alice and Pa have.
Again, great job with the local color, and I have to applaud you for your use of imagery. I like how you keep the descriptions simple, but they're very effective.
Alice's narrative is as strong as it was in the previous chapter. One thing that I must address is that I'm particularly curious as to who "You" is. S/He seems to be a very interesting character and I hope I get a clearer idea of his/her identity in the latter chapters.
| Eiya Weathes chapter 2 . 11/4/2013
I like the use of local color in this chapter. It didn't distract me from what was happening and what you, as a writer, were trying to convey to me, your humble reader. At the same time, it really highlighted that Aussie feel (not that I'm from Aussie) and atmosphere.
Also, I liked the father/daughter relationship you inputted in the first part. I'm always a sucker for those sorts of things, but anyway, the relationship between them was very realistic and very natural. It felt... almost effortless, if that makes any sense. I hope to see more of this relationship in the latter chapters.
Another thing I enjoyed was the writing style you've used. I like how Alice narrates in such way that I can almost hear her talking to me. I can practically hear the accent in a feminine voice. It's so light and real, you know? I don't think you have any problems in fleshing out characters, considering how lifelike Alice is already (and it's just the first chapter! Imagine that!).
I have no expertise in this genre at all, so I definitely have nothing constructive to say in this review. But I hope you know that I definitely enjoyed reading about the characters you've created. Awesome job.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 2 . 10/12/2013
I really like the style of this. In some cases, dialect can get annoying, but you manage it well here and it adds a lot to the story rather than detracting from it. The POV is done nicely and you allow us to really get inside the head of the girl. The only thing I want to mention is [Pa’s heart was pounding.] How would she know that? Unless you’re writing in third person, I’d suggest refraining from things like that where one character is describing something only the other character would know is happening. Anyway, other than that, really good stuff, great start to the story, and I’ll be back to read more soon.
| handna95 chapter 3 . 10/9/2013
I am VERY curious to figure out who "you" is. You, the author haha, do a very good job writing out Pa's anger and argument. It makes me want to get a little sacred and teary eyed just like Alice. The contradictions between Alice and Pa is probably what makes it so good. She asks about her Ma and Pa says it doesn't matter. That contradiction creates a very nice conflict.
I also thought it was interesting that "you" wasn't a fan of the aborigine people. Pa doesn't seem like a very nice person, but instead of abusing the dark skinned people, he aids them, and instead of hating her father, Alice said she would miss him. It makes me wonder what else there is to Pa, and why the other characters deal with him.
I really like what you've done so far. I read the first two chapters a while ago, and I loved your story then too. Nice job!
| Guy who may like dragons chapter 2 . 10/9/2013
I must say that this is the first story in first person view that I have found perfectly readable here on fictionpress. I'm not sure whether there are any mistakes in this story. There are incorrect sentences, but when they are spoken they work well to indicate a level of education or accent (which is brilliant). Although when these sentences find their way into the text I become somewhat confused, mainly since it isn't done too often. It could be logical that the girl don't differ in the way she thinks compared to the way she speaks, i.e. "I'd of pounced...". It's mainly a question of style, but maybe you can offer it some thought.
| K. A. Stone chapter 2 . 10/3/2013
I like how it sounds like she's talking. There aren't any gaps or moments where you lose that. I also really liked how you were able to show the world, and these people from a little girl's point of view and make it absolutely flawless. I love how, even though their are some details missing in a physical description, you don't notice it all because of how you take on this character.