|Reviews for Club Ghosties|
| Emblematic chapter 1 . 6/3/2013
I liked the concept for this a lot, as well as the execution.
My only suggestion was whether starting with Trish's entry to Club Ghosties and bringing in the back story later, perhaps weaving the past and the present into the story together, would have built in more suspense.
Keep up the good work!
| kimberlykarlone chapter 1 . 5/30/2013
I like the whole concept of the club and you described the details of how it operates perfectly. The part where the ghostly miner appeared was pretty intense. Only problem I had was when Morgan showed up. Their conversation seemed a little mechanical and forced to me and I laughed when he told her never to come back again cause its too dangerous. Well it was dangerous but I almost expected Trish to accuse him of cheating on her and having a new ghostly girlfriend. LOL! But a very well written and truly scary story.
| GossamerSilverglow chapter 1 . 5/24/2013
The first sentence should look like this: “The midnight air had that sweet smell of late summer as Trish Carson drove down Main Street towards the outskirts of town.” Notice I took out the comma and capped Main Street, since it’s the name of a street it should be so.
“She waited for over an hour and had text him asking: Wear U?” I’m not sure, but I think you’ve changed tenses a few times in this sentence alone. You might want to have someone who’s familiar with that check it out. I think the sentence would sound better this way: “She’d waited for over an hour until finally she gave in and texted: Where R U?”
He text*ed* back
“She had sarcastically replied.” I get confused on this myself, but I think you can actually remove ‘had’ since ‘replied’ is already in the past tense. Like this “She sarcastically replied.”
“She figured he had lost track of time alright, probably while playing HALO 2…She received the bad news after she called his home.” This whole paragraph feels like your listing the events that happened. I would suggest putting in a little more detail in between that first line and that last line.
Unfortunately, I don’t feel Trish’s regret. Try describing how she felt instead of just saying she was in a daze or that she felt guilt/regret. It shifts very quickly from her being at work, to him dying, to her at the funeral then to a warehouse. There needs to be more detail for each individual part before moving on to the next.
“The various signs read:” I’d suggest just doing two signs because all those caps hurt my eyes and I’m sure they hurt other readers’ eyes. There is too much caplocks in this. I think you should rethink that. I get that there are signs, and that someone is talking over the intercom, but you can italicize that stuff. I almost stopped reading from all of the caplocks. The concept is good and with a beta reader and more description it could be a lot better. I really want to reiterate that you remove the caplocks. You’re gonna lose a lot of readers because of that.
Now I know there’s a word limit because you’re entering it into the Labyrinth contest, but there’s a lot of stuff you can take out, like all those sign caplock listings, in favor for more detail. All the same it’s a good idea. Good luck!
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 1 . 5/22/2013
One very little typo that I found. The second to last line, "and" should be capitalized. Other than that, great story! Most original story I've seen so far for this contest. Good luck in the contest!
| JustJazzyD chapter 1 . 5/22/2013
Wow. That was certainly an intriguing concept! Kudos to your brain for cooking it up. I almost expected Trish to do something crazy to be with Morgan again, but I'm glad she wasn't reckless. There's some hope at the end. I only saw two typos. "She slowly made a left turn, pass some abandoned warehouse" that should read "past" and delete the comma. Also "The only illumination was dimly comiong from some accent lighting..." just a finger slip typo on "coming" there. But I really enjoyed the concept. I felt like I could hear an announcer on the loudspeaker reading out those signs. I could see this concept a SYFY TV show. I could also see you expanding this into a full length story. It could have chapters with different people who venture to Club Ghosties and their reason behind it. I would love to read a blurb about someone who gets addicted to visiting with their deceased loved one and then they start to slowly go insane. Anyway, that's just my thoughts. This is original and good. Good luck in the contest!
| Felrain chapter 1 . 5/17/2013
Ohohoho! Very interesting :D I didn't spot any errors and I found the concept intriguing.