|Reviews for Baby Buster|
| wisedec4u chapter 1 . 6/7/2013
Wow, this is powerful piece of work. I love your descriptions, especially how you described how Vincent loomed over her. You did great job of showing us the hopelessness that Jane feels and the brutality she suffers at her husbands hands. My only gripe, is that realistically, with all the so called "accidents" and her husband being under investigation (I'm assuming for police brutality) that no one, including the doctors that are examining her, has asked any questions. Now days, doctors have legal obligation to notify authorities if there are signs of abuse. Perhaps, this is something you are going to build up to later. To be honest, I was hoping she'd get the balls to use that knife to give him taste of his own medicine. This guys a cop. Doesn't he have a spare gun in the house she can use? Anyways, I'm thought was wonderfully written and emotionally charged. It definitely made me want to read on to find out what happens next. My one bit advise about Vince is that you need to show another side of him as well, not just the evil, abusive side. If not, the reader can't relate to Jane is still with him, especially if there is no kids involved. Why the hell would she want kids with this monster in the first place? So he can abused them too? These are questions your reader will ask. You want them to sympathize with Jane, not see her as weak and stupid for subjecting herself to his abuse for so long. Of course, I know in reality this happens all the time, but it still has to make sense to the reader. Thanks for sharing.
| Lolitroy chapter 1 . 5/20/2013
Woooow this ISN'T K-rated, definitely. I strongly suggest you change it.
Sooo at the beginning, I didn't know what was happening. I thought she was giving birth, hehe. It was clear she had a baby, it's just the pain wasn't specified.
Whoa, good suspense. In less than 500 words I was already rooting for Jane and trying to kill her husband... man, I was hoping he'd get run over by a train with rolling saws as wheels or something of the sort. I hate him so badly.
I think the struggle was well-done, because not only you have your readers squirming for the baby to survive, but also morals come to work. The part of suspense was really well done. Congratulations.
The ending wasn't clear either. I know she may be hallucinating or something, but you should als provide clues to what is happening because frankly I had no diea, hahaha...
This was a nice read :3
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 5/18/2013
You have some really nice, specific imagery, and you do a great job addressing all the senses. I think some of the most vivid would have to be when you're describing the husband, Vincent, as a shadow on a shadow phone, and the way you describe the shadows is really cool. I really enjoyed the vocabulary. Then later down when you're talking about the blood coming out of Jane, how it felt like gravy and you describe the smell, ugh that is just so vivid it made me queasy, haha. And I really like how you describe the smell of the attic, too. You give some nice specific details that make things come to life. Overall, I really enjoy the writing and the general vocabulary you use.
There were only two things that I suggest maybe revising or working on. The first would be the melodrama, because I feel like there is a lot of melodrama in the first part where Jane is sitting there right before Vincent comes back to "finish off" the child. I know this is an intense moment and the subject matter is very dark, but it's also rather emotionally manipulative. If you tone down the yelling and crying I think that'll help, but it really depends on your intentions. My creative writing professor really cracks down on melodrama and sentimentality, so I've just developed a really critical eye for that. If you don't mind it then don't worry about it, but if you plan on trying to get this published you'll want to work on it, because lit mags really discourage melodrama.
The only other thing i would suggest is maybe provide a little information as to why Jane is stuck with Vincent. If they have no kids, I don't see what's keeping her with him, especially if this is taking place in more modern times. There are so many programs and places a woman can go if she's being abused now, so i think explaining that some more might help with the reality of the situation. Is it just because she's afraid of Vincent because he's a cop? Or is her family pretty much all gone? Does he have some type of blackmail on her to keep her with him? While reading this, I just couldn't help think that if I were in her situation i would've been long gone, I don't care if I had to sleep under a bridge and if he was a cop, you know?
But other than those two things, I think this is really well written. Good job!