Reviews for Dimension -Removed-
QuantumRelativity chapter 12 . 8/23/2013
Yeah. This is actually for Chapter 11 but it wont let me review that chapter for some reason.
So: Chapter 11 is a nice chapter! Your descriptions are extremely remarkable!
I really like the plot. My favorite character is Deo.
I like how you ended this chapter too!
Great job!

-ChzLvr25
{Critique}
WellywoodR chapter 15 . 8/22/2013
More action!

That little blurb of Kiya's at the beginning was intriguing. Very cryptic. Was it perhaps hinting at an artificial intelligence?

Haha, I remember Rockland's and Lander's last words in the previous chapter. "Paragons don't mess around around." This chapter opens with the Paragons doing just that, messing around with a boulder lmao! Nice subtle humour.

I like the detail that the other Paragons sense Mazayus' tension and become tense also as a result. Although I do wonder why neither he nor Kiya told the others about her vision. Surely they should all trust each other by now, especially the Paragon, since they must rely on each other to perform as a team. I can understand Kiya wanting to hide it from them, she seems very protective of them, but Mazayus I would have expected to inform them. Bad Mazayus.

Well now, isn't Boone lucky to have such a weapon. Thank god he has a secondary. Imagine him using a mini-nuke in a small skirmish! But since it's so versatile, he could just operate it as a machine turret. I'm excited to see Boone in action with this Genesis.

I loved being taken into Kiya's mind as she mourns Olympus, well mourns its future. It really brings us in closer to her. I think this story has had a major impact on the way I look at life now, haha. I'm not about to go out into a jungle and dance around half-naked, but I do see more of the beauty in things now. You've grabbed me by the gonads, damn you! :P

You did a splendid job of portraying the majesty of the Paragons' armour. Now I'm thinking of them as the Spartans from the Halo series, but with way cooler armour, and actual lives outside of their duty XD

Morrison's disorientation and surprise came off well in the opening of the combat scene, (Or should I say, slaughter scene) I was reading with anticipation, having no idea what her fate would be. Would she live, or die? But then her head got shot off. Pop. So abrupt, lmao. I guess she deserved it.

The thought of Boone grinning darkly while wielding that hulk of a weapon made me smile XD Bloodthirsty, maybe?

Serenity 1
UEU 0
Synaptic Imagination chapter 1 . 8/21/2013
An interesting start to say the least.

I appreciated the different writing style in the first part of this prologue. You wrote in a way that made the POV believable, detailing was good and made the whole scene easily visualizeable. My only issue with the first part is the use of the word "transparent" in the second sentence where is followed again by "translucent". This is just a bit disorienting to read as the forest is already described as transparent, then it is said to be elevated to a translucent state. These words are interchangeable and have no distinct levels of difference from one another so it is a tad redundant.

I'm getting the feeling that this story will develop along the lines of the "Benevolent Gods" turning out to be not what they presented themselves as and humanity eventually needing to rise up against them. I like stories like these, where people free themselves from the chains of organized religon and find their own path, but even if it doesn't go down that path it will still be interesting to read the interactions between the Zodiacs and the humans.

I am also happy that the main character is female, it's a refreshing change from the usual male standard. The roles of "Cipher" and "Paragon" also sound interesting, I look forward to reading what rules and responsibilities come with each and whether there are possible sub-roles within them.

Other than that this was a good prologue and well summarized, I could learn a thing or two from you )

And we think the same, I love drinking coffee while reading stories on here ;)
J. Mercer chapter 14 . 8/19/2013
Damn treehuggers and their counter-viruses. It's probably organic too, knowing those bastards.

I sure hope the commander isn't wearing women's underwear, twisted or no. I doubt he'd pass the next inspection.

Ha ha ha - shut up, Chief! That wasn't even funny.

Yeah, I know Morrison. Dumb boot.

They also say Paragons kill men by the hundreds, consume the UEU with fireballs from their eyes, and bolts of lightning from their arses!
Whirlymerle chapter 7 . 8/19/2013
I like the interesting dynamic between Kiyatera and the paragons. It only struck me recently how even though Kiyatera communicates with the Zodiacs, she’s also probably the most vulnerable of the group. I like that detail about how the paragons remember their training while Kiya just likes the grass under her feet.

[Her body is decorated with various ornaments of tribal feathers and precious stones, which stand out with vibrant colours] I remember you mentioned Kiya’s jewelry in an introductory way before, so doing it all over again is kind of jarring. How about, “The various tribal feathers and precious stones decorating her body stand out in vibrant colours.” That following paragraph describing what exactly she’s wearing, I’d much rather see moved to scene the first time you discuss her ornaments. It doesn’t seem like she changed ornaments, so I’m curious why you’re choosing this instance to add the descriptions.

[we have only been in cryo-stasis for three months] Oh. Okay. Interesting...

I think you did a good job of illustrating impending doom in this chapter. While reading, everything just felt overly perfect, so when you introduced the UEU, you created this dun-dun dun moment. Nice work!
Whirlymerle chapter 6 . 8/18/2013
Hey, well, you know I return reviews. :D

[Have an alien species revealed themselves] since “alien species” is singular, should be “Has an alien species revealed itself”

I like that detail about Mazayus considering space zombies, and then he thinks, nope, only Boone would think that. The occasional humor in this serious situation gives your story a sparkle.

[the skin of the human body exfoliating and renewing in layers] I really like this metaphor!

Nathanael never got to say goodbye to his wife. :’(

I like how in this chapter we get to learn a bit more about the differences between Serenity and the UEU, but I wonder how relevant that is after forty million years *whistles*. That is a long time. I’m definitely looking forward to seeing the changes. With technology evolving exponentially, I can’t wait to see what you come up with.
KTF chapter 13 . 8/18/2013
Gosh, I've finally gotten time to read through the last 3 chapters you posted. But working on the art for this is also taking some time too so that's another reason lol. I liked this chapter, you are starting to flesh out the characters a little more and its good to see. I am hoping to get caught up soon as I am anxious to see how this vision of Kiyatera's plays out.
Gemma Sundry chapter 15 . 8/18/2013
Oooh, I liked the intro, very mysterious... That Genesis sounds really deadly! Should it really be in Boone's possession? :P jk. I really like how you slip into this kinda cryptic way of writing when in Kiya's perspective, it gives the story its personality. In fact, now that I mention it, I realise you do this for all of the characters.

Alright! who swallowed! Come on, fess up!
So in a way, this cybergrid is like the matrix, right? So how do they know they are in reality? they could really be in the cybergrid, food for machines! Please don't do that XD The part where the sweat was falling from her forehead and gunfire started just as it landed was so cinematic, I could imagine watching it in a movie. Ok, Morrison has clearly reached full insanity mode. I was a little shocked with how you just killed her off like that, haha. Kudos to Nathanael, though. I like how he sent them off to the Zodiacs in a prayer, though it probably didn't work like how Kiya can do it XD, still, it's the thought that counts. Spiritual Natives have sort of a false religion of the Zodiacs, right? Wow, then Boone spits on them... nice, lol! Welcome to the jungle, bitches! This would be way too serious without Boone :P
So Deo has to escort Kiya... well this is going to be interesting XD
Sorry for such an erratic review, I'm a little high right now... not literally.
Whirlymerle chapter 5 . 8/17/2013
[Kiyatera nods her head slowly, knowing Deo is correct, and understanding his lack of sympathy, he never did trust her] Here, you'd want a semicolon after sympathy, because they're independent clauses

Okay, so there's a lot of sci-fi jargon in here that went over my head, which might be why I'm a little confused. But Kiyatera has the least oxygen, so I thought Deo was talking about how they couldn't put her in stasis, and everyone saw that he had a point. But then Kiyatera's hibernating with them, so what was the whole discussion about how they could make it without her about? Or is she expecting an easier death in hibernation?

I like how you give each character a very distinct personality. With five characters to manage, that's really impressive! I'm getting that Mazayus is the leader, Nathanael is the sweetheart, Deo is the outcast, Boone is the jokester, and Kiya is the different, spiritual one.

I like the ending, very dramatic.
Thomas Saboy chapter 15 . 8/16/2013
Another amazing chapter with some badass action and tons of headshots. I loved how much detail you put into the Pragons and their tech. Can't wait to read the next chapter and see what happens next.
Whirlymerle chapter 4 . 8/16/2013
One thing I want to address in the A/N—I'm not exactly "daunted" by the size, but long chapters on FP are very hard on the eyes and makes a close read difficult. Obviously, it's your creative choice, but yeah, that's something to keep in mind while writing.

I like your technique of switching between short commands and description of the action.

This pattern does a great job of sustaining the tension!

[Say's the guy] no apostrophe

[when a Paragon makes their Sacrifice] pronoun number agreement

Okay, I am really confused about how they got into their individual ikamanus. I thought they were all aboard Altair, which is one ikamanu? Also, where is Kiyatera? Her precious Paragons might get killed before the Sacrifice!

The most interesting part of this chapter for me is Deo and Kiya's conversation. I definitely like it when you explore Kiya's conviction in the Zodiacs vs Deo's skepticism. The whole situation reminded me a bit of the biblical story where God asks Abraham to sacrifice his son to test his loyalty. Maybe it's because I'm more of a secular humanist, t I'm definitely with Deo here, haha. When Kiya says she trusts the Zodiacs more than Deo, it felt like such a slap in the face. I get that the Zodiacs are gods, but Deo's getting the chopped liver treatment. Poor Deo! He's the one getting sacrificed and he's not even fully trusted! Anyway, as always, your piece made me consider of a lot of metaphysical things, which I think is super cool in a fiction piece. Nice work!
Whirlymerle chapter 3 . 8/15/2013
[The mind is of rapture, now implodes and is absent] awkward sentence structure: you either need a subject in the second part, or get rid of the verb in the first part (ie, the mind is of rapture; now it implodes and is absent OR the mind, rapturous, now implodes and is absent)

[Connecting with the Zodiacs is no simple task, it requires immense focus and concentration; meditations to be equal with them] a semicolon separates two independent clauses, so the comma should be a semicolon, and the semicolon should be a colon

One question I have while reading (these are just my thoughts as they go, you might very well be intentionally choosing to save the information at a later time): are these supersoldiers cybernetically enhanced before or after they met Kiyatera/trained as Paragons?

Lol haha. I think Deo is quickly becoming my favorite character.

I also think it’s pretty cool that Altair is a living thing. That scene explaining how it all worked was neat. You’ve obviously thought this out! That being said, I feel like that scene was kind of randomly stuck into this chapter—there are no connections to the development/other scenes. For that reason, this sudden information, for me personally, obstructed the flow of the story.

I’m a bit bothered by the fact that Kiyatera wears a lot of gold/diamonds/gems, considering you have to blast aside twenty tons of earth and sprinkle cyanide all over the land to extract enough gold to make one freakin ring, and it’s gems are just as bad if not worse because they all come from deep within the earth. Maybe gold lies around like rocks in this world you created, but to me, gold and gems and precious metals are the definition of vanity and greed, and the antithesis of earth-friendly, and it doesn’t seem like something a Zodiac loving Cipher would use. I like the feathers. And just a suggestion if you want to have Kiratera all decked out—how about pearls?

Boone is cute. I like how he provides comic relief and ventures to ask questions that the other Paragons don’t.
Whirlymerle chapter 2 . 8/15/2013
[but their mission details are shrouded in mystery./The stars in the galaxy ahead are dying, and they must reignite them.] So, I’m not a big fan of how you say the details of their mission are shrouded in mystery, because you tell us immediately after that the point of their mission is to reignite the stars, which *doesn’t* make it seem like it’s very mysterious. Of course, that’s not the fine details, but I while reading, I do get the feeling that the latter sentence contradicts the former. So if you want to keep the mystery line, I suggest moving the reigniting line in front, so that it’s laid out like, here’s the task, but the details are unknown.

Ooh. I’m a big fan of third person present. I think it’s so pretty, and your opening definitely fits that description. I also like what you do with the formal tone to demonstrate the seriousness of the mission.

[and a chain reaction will follow. But the hitch; they must find a key that will enable the chain reaction.] Super nitpicky, but I don’t really like the repetition of chain reaction. It’s kind of a mouthful, and overly technical to be used more than once. Is there another word you can use? I don’t know, even something simple like “the key at the start of the chain” makes the writing less stiff, I think.

Oh wait holy crap! The humans that Kiyatera is with are to be sacrificed? That was definitely a curveball. I’m surprised more people aren’t to be upset. I like that detail where one Mazayus totally makes a euphemism of suicide.

I like the line, “We’re all just stardust anyway.” It’s an interesting way to demonstrate acceptance.

I would have liked to have a little bit more background on how these Paragons were chosen and what kind of people they are. They must be very good guys, since even Deo who’s upset by this mission is upset because he thinks it’s not going to work, but not people he’s going to die. Speaking of which then that accusation about the UEU to keep Deo in check, gah, that just sounds so insidious—like, “hey, you don’t wanna die for the gods? Then you’re a scumbag.” Mazayus right then and there reminded me of every single shallow snooty high school queen bee controlling and manipulating her clique, haha.

But then again, if I were one of the chosen, I’d totally get pissed off and start pointing my finger at Kiyatera and being like, “why am I a pig brought for slaughter and she’s gets to stand there in diamonds? Why oh WHY!?” Probably irrational, since Kiyatera isn’t human, but yeah, these guys are very good and obedient. And I can totally see how the UEU would appeal to people unlike them.
QuantumRelativity chapter 3 . 8/15/2013
Hey Shay.
Sorry, I have been busy lately so I haven't reviewed.
But here I am!
I notice that your descriptions are out-of-this world! Truly extraordinary - and that’s not compliment enough!
And the creativity and effort I see put into this is spectacular!
Is it possible that it could it be anymore more flawless? It is perfection, really, as far as the writing goes.
But your descriptions do make the plot speed very slowly progressing. Which is not an issue at all, since this is very early in the story.
It is funny when Boone reacts to the food he eats, made by Deo and he is completely oblivious. That was good.
It’s cute how Nathanael misses his wife.
I love how you created this whole new idea for the story, regarding the part where you explain the ikamanu and there traits and relations to humans.
The idea of sacrifices in your story is also nice.
Kiyatera is a very interesting and original character. I love her name, it is very creative!
When all is said, I still like this story a lot and will try to review more often so I can catch up to the place your story is at now.

ChzLvr25
{Critique}
WellywoodR chapter 14 . 8/14/2013
The panic at the beginning was well portrayed. You could have spiced it up even more by getting deeper inside Lander's head, but it worked with being simple.

Not sure if this Lander should be trusted though... seems very conniving. But Rockland seems to trust him lmao!

I'm really itching to find out what these events and distortions throughout the galaxy are! All of this has to knit together and you're doing a good job of muddling it and creating suspense. Sometimes I wish I had this in full book form so I could just sit down all day and read it to find all of your secrets...
But for now, it seems to be focusing on the personal aspect of the story and the characters, and the bigger picture is kinda put on the backburner. Did you intend that?

So Morrison is insane? That explains a lot.

The UEU clearly see the Paragons as emotionless war-machines, which is quite the contrast in reality. This opens up a few wonders as to the specifics of their training and their upbringing. It sounds like their childhoods were quite rigid. It would be interesting to see more in depth their training and early lives.

When Lander referred to Rockland as Jaron, it took me a while to click that that was his first name XD Commander Jaron Rockland... hmm, has a ring to it.

Anyway, this chapter has caused me to develop a better liking of Rockland, not that I didn't like him before. He just seems to be unravelling more now.
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