Reviews for Time Loop
alltheeagles chapter 4 . 3/21/2014
For the Labyrinth Review Trade #172, no. 4 of 4

I love the idea that this loop is a result of Dani’s inability to let go of her guilt. Now I see why you laid on the guilt so heavily in chapter 2. Still, it does raise further questions, like why is it that Tommy knows what’s going on but not Dani? Is this a ‘private hell’ just for her alone? Then why is everyone else being made to suffer with her? Ok, I’ll stop here because I know I sound like such a killjoy. Take it as a positive, that your story is making me think, and thus it is decidedly memorable.

The ending did indeed feel rushed, and that is such a pity because the premise is a very promising one. I think it could have been played out at a more leisurely pace, eg instead of the ‘all at once’ explanation by Tommy, maybe it could be prolonged a little by having him dive a couple more times and each time revealing a little more about the reason they’re stuck. Likewise, the ending with everyone in beachwear could be filled out a little too, drag out the suspense of whether or not she’s succeeded a little more by having her wake on the beach and not knowing if she’s going to hear the ‘changed something’ speech again.
alltheeagles chapter 3 . 3/21/2014
For the Labyrinth Review Trade #172, no. 3 of 4
Hmm... interesting development! It isn’t a simple monster tale anymore. It’s now a ‘Lost’ type mystery. The repetition of ‘chaged something’ goes along with the deja vu feeling that Dani is having. The perpetual loop premise is revealed. That was cleverly done.

I have mixed feelings about the development of the time loop premise, though. The replaying of the Tommy diving scene and the dialogue lines are good, but the transition from the bit on the beach to the bit in the cave could be a little smoother. I think maybe a more judicious use of italics would be in order, ie use the italics only for her thoughts of confusion and the lines about changing something could be half-remembered fragments. Also, it seems that the loop isn’t perfect because things are not EXACTLY the same each time – sometimes different people say a particular dialogue line. Is there a reason for that? It’s fine if it isn’t explained, but it IS a niggly untied end for the obsessive personality type that I have.

Nitpicky detail: ‘a tentacle like shadow’ isn’t too easy to envisage. How about ‘a tentacled yet streamlined shadow’.
alltheeagles chapter 2 . 3/21/2014
For the Labyrinth Review Trade #172, no. 2 of 4
As expected, you begin giving the background: treasure hunt (or maybe explorer's bragging rights?). And you start on the other two people in the cave. Very systematic development pattern. The only thing remaining now is a more precise explanation of how exactly they are trapped. So, not sharks or anything with teeth then, but a facehugger type creature.
Edward’s insensitivity works to drive home the horror of what happened to Frank, but I was just wondering if a ‘less is more’ approach that incorporates the description of Frank’s wounds with what happened to Dani after she dived in, might work even better. On a related front, I believe Tommy’s rambling is also related to the basic premise of the story (which I’m not sure about yet) because of the ‘over and over’ phrase and the title (‘Time Loop’... duh!) Am I right?
Lastly, maybe you could tone down the guilt trip a little. Yes, I know that’s a bit much coming from the queen of guilt trips in JAT! Here, it’s like Dani is just cataloguing a long list of things that she did wrong. I think the effect would be greater if there were some kind of link between all those faults that she’s seeing. That repeated dialogue (‘You’re the best etc’) worked quite well but I felt that it wasn’t really fully exploited.
alltheeagles chapter 1 . 3/21/2014
For the Labyrinth Review Trade #172, no. 1 of 4
I am, as you know, no stranger to your work. So first off, I am definitely getting a different feel here from your other pieces. Versatility is an asset to a writer, and so far you’re doing great on that front. I’m getting "Sharks in a Mall' vibes right now (you know, the movie with the maniac and the hungry tiger sharks) with the water and the deadly creature, so as a representative of the horror genre, this is spot on. You don’t give a whole lot of information on why they are there in that cave to begin with, but I think there is enough to start a reader off. I’m optimistic that an explanation is forthcoming.

The background info on Dani and Tommy is sweet but not too overwhelmingly so. It explains Tommy’s devotion and also establishes a little of Dani’s bullheadedness. Likewise the info on Anna helps to explain her presence (she’s a useful member of the team and not just attractive monster bait) and why Dani can overlook her thoroughly unprofessional behaviour – What, a doctor refusing to do a post mortem? Revoke her licence!

Finally, you could do with some editing in general. I noticed a few typos and at least one hanging sentence (starting with “Dipping her back...”)
Jitterbug Blues chapter 4 . 2/15/2014
No, this wasn't ridiculous at all. I think you could have focused a bit more on the others too (what happened to Uncle Frank? Did he move to the other plane of death before?), and maybe slowed down a bit, but - in all honesty - this was a fully satisfying ending on its own. I definitely do feel affected - kind of torn between happiness for them getting out of purgatory, and saddened because they were *dead* all along, and there was no hope for them to begin with.

I just have to say you are very cruel, because I guess I was hoping they’d not be dead. It just seems sad to get to know all of those characters, and then realise that they suffered through such a horrible ending (basically being torn into shreds by some weird monster). I think that's the horrifying element of this story - that they never made it out, and that they were forced to replay their deaths God knows how many times. It's horrifying and really saddening. And I really love how you wrote this out.

I did like the kiss between Dani and Tommy, because it's both really sweet and incredibly sad. Maybe it felt a bit mushy to me, but I wasn't bothered. As I said before their romance isn't the most important or pressing matter of this story, and you also make clear that she loved her other members of the crew. Therefore, I'm not too annoyed or bothered. It's more a story of lost chances and regrets anyway.

Yeah, I'm not sure what else to tell you. I really enjoyed this? I honestly did? It was such a beautiful thing to read, and I love your storytelling abilities. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work :3
Jitterbug Blues chapter 3 . 2/15/2014
So before I go off and praise you for your awesome storytelling, I'll just add in one critical comment. Sometimes, I think your sentences, especially at the beginning, get a bit long. It's not a huge gripe, but I feel that they don't sound as refined as they should, and a few, less fortunate readers might even get confused. But you're free not to take the advice, as I can't really you helpful pointers (again, I can't copy and paste, and it annoys me to go back to a passage and point out the selected passages within a review. It's not really that *important* anyway).

Anyhow: you've got some awesome descriptions, even if your sentences aren't always as polished as they could be. You've really got a very tangible writing style, and I feel that I can envision, feel and even smell everything. I really loved your description of Dani's near death, and the beach scene all the more. You just have this very descriptive writing style - it's lovely because it sucks one right into the story. It also make me care :D I've honestly not enjoyed myself like this for a while (well, give or take, a few days :D).

I also think you're a fantastic storyteller. I get where the time loop title comes from now, and yes, while I was suspecting it before, I think you did a great job of revealing this little plot-twist here. I also think that your build-up to it was well-orchestrated (I like that you made Tommy’s jumping into the caving the start point and the end point of all this – it fits as Tommy is the man Dani loves. I hope I’m being clear here).

I also think that, stylistically, the break from the being on the beach to returning to the cave was wonderfully handled via the italics. I also liked the hint of 'rancid' smell before you moved back to the cave very well done. I generally think that you planned and plotted out this story quite well. So kudos on that :3

I guess I just feel very engaged by everything, especially the regret Dani feels and the romance-subplot between her and Tommy. I know I say I don't like romance (and I don't, if it's an over-arching plot), but their relationship is beautiful and sad - central to the story, without being too stifling. I think I did feel a little D: when she finally confessed she loved him. The ending lines of this chapter are just haunting.
Jitterbug Blues chapter 2 . 2/15/2014
I have to say that only negatives for me in this chapter so far are really minor things, like Anne and Andrea being referred to as girls, though they must be well into their late 20s. I guess it's personal taste, but I'd rather you just call them women, or young women, if it must be, but not 'girls'. When I think of girls, I think of high school girls or early college girls, but not professionals with a PhD. Or anyone undergoing through such a diving exploration. But you're free to leave it, if you like. Another thing, the second sentence in the first paragraph seems a bit confusing (I think there's missing comma or something after the whole 'when Anne cut into Frank's body' line. I hate that I can't copy and paste D:).

But haha, those are the only things I felt like addressing before I can start gushing at you. So I'm beginning to loooove the suspense so evident in this segment. You’re doing such a great job of keeping us up on toes, and that’s all the more augmented/heightened by Dani’s emotional reactions to everything. She’s scared, she’s upset and she’s regretting. Is that a weakness? Probably yes, but then they are trapped in a hopeless situation, and I feel it makes her human.

I mean, as much as I like those badass heroes and heroines, I also like characters who seem realistic to me. And Dani is. She's definitely not perfect, as you depict her as an arrogant and money-hungry woman before this undertaking, but she's also not a monster. I feel that her very *real* regret and sadness at having brought this upon her crew showcases that she's capable of kinder emotions. And her love/concern for Tommy, evidenced when she jumps in right after him, only showcase this all the more. I am just saying that i think you're doing a great job with her character. Dani is a flawed human being, and that makes the story all the more realistic.

What makes it real for me, too, is how you humanise the other minor characters in this story through Dani's eyes. Even Edward seems real to me. I just think those few passages about the others helps make the reader care about their fates.

Anyhow, I love how you describe the settings. I said, it was 'eerie' before, right? Well, it got eerie here, when you had Edward state how weird it was that they could see everything (the missing chunks of Frank's...), despite their equipment having run out. I swear that, at this very moment, I let out a 'holy shit' because I knew things were going to get dark. And they did. The entire scene with Tommy moving to the opening of the exit/cave, and stating that line of 'everyday' and 'over and over' sent chills running down my spine. I knew that this wasn't going to end well.

You did such a brilliant job with this scene. Him jumping in and Dani's emotional reaction. Her fear of him as blood filled the clear water again ...What can I say? Just wonderful. I really think that the descriptions of her jumping in right afterwards and feeling something slice inside of her were terrifying too, and very well-written.

I generally think this is a beautifully written story so far. And forgive my typos, as I'm literally just eager to read the next chapter :D
Jitterbug Blues chapter 1 . 2/15/2014
So, I'm here to continue our review trade (if you're still up to it - that is :)). And I'm sorry it took me so long. Sometimes I get those slow days where I just don't want to read anything, and I know that this piece here demanded more of my attention than some mere speed-reading. First things first, I absolutely don't mind horror or dark plots. In fact, I like them :D and I rather like the premise of this so far. I think it reminds me slightly of Alien, but I'm only saying this because I've not come across enough horror explorer slash adventure stories (guess, I should read/watch out more for these :P).

I really like how you describe the setting here. It's so out-wordly and creepy - because of its lack of space, the eeriness that those water-slicked rocks that those stones convey and this sound of *quiet*. The fact that you can't escape from the place makes it all the creepier. I just need to command you for this; you've done a great job with the atmosphere here :D I also find the fact unsettling that the torn up body of Uncle Frank is still there, rotting - that makes the setting all the more grotesque.

I like Dani so far. She's strong, I think, but also human. She's not unaffected by the horrors around her, but is putting up a strong front for the sake of her crew. I like that, I really do, as it makes her believable. Ripley, one of my favourite heroines in any horror movie to date, was also a bit like that: strong but not unaffected. I will say that I especially like how she regretted not having had any romantic (?) interactions with Tommy, whom she views as very desirable in her eyes (and I like how the writing got more sultry/sensuous at that point, reflecting her desires).

I also like how you described Anne, even if I was bothered by her being referred to as a girl. But then I think now that is probably how Dani views her - and her narration is definitely not going to be objective, so that any reference to Anne as a girl is appropriate (since she is Dani's 'baby cousin'). I'm just saying that I think the choice of such words as 'girl' or 'baby cousin' highlights how protective Dan is of Anne. So that's just good writing :3

I love the ending of this 'chapter' by the way. Very effective.
Itsa Mia chapter 4 . 1/19/2014
That was interesting. I think a better ending would have been them jumping into the water, with the hope of paradise. Just me though.
Mwomnom chapter 4 . 9/13/2013
To be honest, this made sense in a very nonsensical manner of speaking. They being dead all along, I mean.

It was all a little messy towards the end, but I think this is part of this story's charms. I was totally shocked when Tommy jumped in the water even after Dani's confession. When it happened, I was like: "Oh my God, what is this author doing to the characters!", but I was left really satisfied with the way things went on. I expected some sort of sugary sweetbitter conversation to take place in the first half of the chapter, but this was so much better. I really liked the way it ended - it was neither happy nor sad. I personally find happy endings too naive on some occasions, so I'm really glad you didn't just make them all come out of this alive. Although I get it that this was your original plan from the start, it kind of bugs me that we don't get to know what the monster that is basically the reason for this whole disaster is.

As for the way you managed to describe everything - your narration has been perfectly mastered throughout the whole story. It was soaked with feelings and well chosen words. Your dialogues were fairly natural with a few exceptions (the love confession just didn't come out right to me). I really loved the whole plot, the way you ended the chapters with readers wanting to find out more and the way you developed your characters not as perfect people but as actual human beings who make mistakes, feel guilty and love each other. The descriptions were insufficient, at least for me. But that is a flaw easily ignored when one gives an overall evaluation to your story.

It was a little short, a bit rushed and a tad too blurry. You could have always prolonged it with a few chapters. The story would have gained more depth this way. The fact that this was all based on a dream of yours amazes me to no days end and also makes me wonder what in the world is going on in your head to dream such stuff, hehe.

Overall, this was an enjoyable piece to read. I will definitely be paying your other stuff a visit too.

Well done!
Mwomnom chapter 3 . 9/11/2013
Oh. My. God.

I was just wondering why is this named "Time Loop". Ok. Ok, I get it now, alright.

First things first. This was brilliantly plotted. I really loved the way you describe it all - with not only words but also emotion. I have personally experienced a situation when I was close to drowning, so I don't know if it is due to this or to the fact that you just wrote it amazingly well, but I really felt the whole emotion of the scene when she swam for the surface, which usually happens remarkably rarely to me. I was also impressed by your dialogues throughout the whole story thus far - they are all natural and lively. I do enjoy your narration as well. You have done a good job getting inside Dani's head.

The whole thing about the time loop, although suggested by the title, came as a blind sider and was a really great twist to a story that was already full of those. Really well-thought.

I found the way you ended this chapter somewhat disturbing, though. This whole love confession that Dani decided to pull came out of nowhere. I suppose it could pass for a part of the dynamic style you've got going on here, but still. The timing was just a little off for this. But this makes me anticipate the next chapter even more, since I am really interested in where are you going to go with this and how are your going to make your characters react in the face of such complex circumstances, considering that there is only one chapter left.

Overall, this story brings out emotions and really excites the reader.

Well done!
Mwomnom chapter 2 . 9/10/2013
This is already one of the most dynamic and quickly-unraveling angst stories that I have ever read around here.

The events just flowed and flowed. I cannot explain it any other way. This chapter practically read itself to me and left me hungry for more.

I really like the way you've pictured Dani. She is far from perfect, which only makes her more real and easy to feel. At the very beginning when she wanted to take advantage of the golden opportunity presented and then she felt guilty about it, I really told myself: this could be me down there. All those flaws that you decided to dwell on make her character deeper; all her mistakes proove that she is only human. She is feeling weak and yet tries to hold it together for the sake of others - that is a quiality that made me sincerely admire her for.

And I always love people who know how to end their chapters in a way that suggests the readers should keep on reading to find out what is going to happen. To me, this proves that some smart plotting is hidden behind this story's creation.

I think that this whole lightning fast events unraveling could use some slowing down, though. I mean, the dynamic you have achieved is something many should envy you for, but you should think about the way you throw the reader right in the middle of this chaos with the first sentence of your first chapter. My personal opinion is that your story has two main flaws:
1.I really feel that there is at least one chapter missing here that should be inserted before your beginning. You plunge your readers inside the world of your story too quickly for them to understand what is going on at first. This may or may not lead to a confusion when trying to understand your characters better.
2.I couldn't help but notice the lack of descriptive sentences here and there where they could be used to fill in and add some tension to the already dark atmosphere. But that is strictly my opinion on the subject.

Overall, I think you are doing a great job wrapping things up REALLY quick and keeping the readers pinned down to their computers enjoying your work.

Great job!

She-Wolf
Mwomnom chapter 1 . 9/10/2013
This started off a little blurry. The beginning sure captures the reader's interest with some really strong sentences, but my personal opinion is that you could have revealed who these people are and what they are doing there a little earlier in the chapter, orelse it is getting quite hard to follow the events. That's just a suggestion, though.

I really like the way you combine both simple and longer sentences to create the atmosphere intended. The more complex sentences were with just the right length - long enough to be sufficiently beautiful, yet not too lingering to make a reader lose interest in what's coming up next.

There were a few sentences I didn't like the structure of, though.

[Whether she was trying to prolong life or was being a coward she didn't know, but she did know she wasn't ready to lose everyone yet and she definitely wasn't ready to die.] -this sentence could really use some changes, seeing as the way it is now, it is a little clumsy to read. Perhaps the easiest way to make it lighter is to just move the "wether she was trying to prolong life or was being a coward" after the "she didn't know part".

[This bloodied torn corpse that used to be her Uncle Frank…another adventurer that should've said no.]-I was slightly confused at this one. Shouls she have said no to the adventure or should the adventure itself have said no? Considering that the second option is ridiculous, I suggest you make it a little clearer.

Overall, I find your beginning quite solid and the way you finished it left me begging for more. Your protagonist is clearly a strong person put in a complex situation, which has the potential to turn into something very intriguing.

Keep up the lovely work.

She-Wolf
Kay Iscah chapter 1 . 9/1/2013
Well...the author's note is a bit of a turn off, but the opening chapter is pretty good. Since this is a short piece, it might help to give some more specifics about the sort of exploration they do and why they're in the cave in the first place. Maybe be a little more specific about the only way in/out., and how her uncle got in that state (but that may be coming up). You've managed to make all the main characters very human, and the situation has a strong sense of peril.

I have a few grammar notes to send you, but over all not too shabby in that department either.
Indravyn chapter 4 . 8/28/2013
Damn, being stuck in purgatory for years would be maddening? So why would everyone know and not her? Why would it take years for Tommy to change the course of things to make Danny realize that she needed to stop blaming herself? I know this was a dream, but I bet this would make a helluva an ending to a story that would lead up to this. Sometimes dreams are the best catalyst for a book. I can see this definitely being a book. Enjoyed reading.
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