I think the concept for this is really intriguing and you have a lot if room for growth. I do wish that you had spent a bit more time in why the device was so addictive. I thought that you glossed over that section but in essence its the most important part of the story. I think it would be cool if you went more in depth about why the device worked the way that it did. I didn't care for the police scene. Looking at the chapter as a whole that scene seems to weigh it down. I don't think its very realistic for the cop to refer to them as "youngsters" it felt too dragged and 1950ish.

Juliet.