I think your story would benefit from your getting rid of that long list of characters from the beginning. You should be introducing characters as we come across them in your story rather than in the beginning like you’re doing. I’m not going to read a long list of names and if I did, I’d forget them once I got to the story and have to keep flicking back up to see who was who each time a new person was mentioned, disrupting my reading flow. I don’t want that. Plus, I imagine you’re not going to have that many characters who have a large part to play in your story, so it’s not really important that the reader knows who they all are. It may be beneficial to you as the author to have a list of ladies in waiting, but it’s really not important to the reader.

I also think you need to do a bit more research into the history you’re writing about. Parts of it really don’t fit. For example, the Duke of Richmond is already fourteen years old when Anne Boleyn becomes Queen, yet the way you say that Rose’s father has risen in favour since his sister gave birth to the King’s bastard makes it seem like it’s only recently happened. I doubt, with Anne Boleyn the star of the court, Henry would be favouring an old mistresses relatives. Which leads onto another point. The girls would not be ‘ordered’ into Anne’s service. Someone would apply to the Queen, or someone who has influence with the Queen, to take the girls in, and even then, it is highly, highly unlikely that all of them would get a place. Witness the case of Lady Lisle, wife of the governor of Calais, who tried to get places for her two daughters in Jane Seymour’s household when she was Queen. Such was the demand for places that Jane would only accept one girl. If someone of a high a rank of Lady Lisle can only get a place for one daughter, how on earth could a member of the minor gentry get all of his a place?

The way Rose and Alexander (who, as a lord, is a nobleman already) act with each other is completely out of line with Tudor behaviour. There was nothing more important to a girl than her virginity and to be that close with a man not her husband would have caused scandal. Of course, affairs did happen and girls did fall in love outside their parent’s wishes, but it probably would not have happened like this. They would have walked and talked but not casually cuddle each other the way Rose and Alexander are.

So, historical accuracy aside, your story does need work. You make an attempt at description, but you really need a lot more of it. As it is, it’s just stripes of dialogue going back and forth. You need more on where the characters are, what Rose, your main character, is thinking and feeling throughout all of this. The pace just moves far too fast as it is.

My suggestion is keep going. Keep writing, because you only improve through practice, but also read some books set in the period, whether they’re fiction or non-fiction. See how those writers lay out their scenes, how their character interact with one another and what they do to push the story on from one scene to another. It may also help you to review other’s work, publicly or just on paper for yourself. Try and think what they do well or not so well. Thinking critically about the work of others may help you to think critically about your own.

The dialogue need some shifting as it is all heavy front sentence, becomes too rhythmic. Fun story though, thanks.

I like how Sophia stands up for her daughter. You don't see enough of that in that time period as it is in history. That's part of the reason I write, to put my spin on history and change it so that it's how I would like to see it, even if it's only in my own writing.

Hi! So, I was reading through your story and it sounds really interesting so far. You've used the old traditions of that time really well and it makes me feel as though your story is set in Tudor England. Your character is very well thought out. The only thing I would criticise is the language used between characters. I would imagine it to be slightly more formal- maybe using would not instead of wouldn't. Otherwise, it it REALLY good and I hope you continue writing!