|Reviews for For the Royals|
| Lynn K. Hollander chapter 1 . 10/4/2013
The dialogue tag sentences are erratically punctuated and capitalized. "Have you heard of the Legend of Mitsane?" The Princess repeated. -No capital letter after closing quotation marks except for proper nouns. "Ugh! Iroha never would've questioned me." Amare hinted rudely. & "Well I'm not Iroha, so you might have to deal with a few changes." Maz spat ... . Dialogues do not end with a period immediately before the closing quotation marks IF the dialogue is to be followed by the attribution: "Look(COMMA), said the girl/"Look(COMMA)," the girl said/"Look!" Mary Sue said... etc. Exclamation points, question marks and commas are used; periods are not. Only names are capitalized, not 'the' or 'said' or 'she'.
'... Now get out of my sight Little Miss Bochi's Ruby...' Direct address, here 'Little Miss Bochi's Ruby', like all other interjections, is set off with commas except at the beginning or end of a sentence: '... Now get out of my sight(COMMA), Little Miss Bochi's Ruby, and stay out...' OR 'Little Miss Bochi's Ruby, get out of my sight!' and so forth. Sometimes you do follow this, but other times, you don't.
Maz has long auburn hair, parted to the right, and is braided down loosely on her left shoulder. Her slightly droopy, dark purple eyes stare straight back at her reflection, glistening -weird clauses. Her hair is braided, not Maz; the braid is loose, not the shoulder: Maz has long auburn hair, which is parted to the right and loosely braided to fall on her left shoulder. -not perfect, but what is braided and where it falls is clearer. Her slightly droopy, dark purple eyes stare -are her eyes what droops? Seems unlikely.
'...changed into a long, blue nightgown. Then she jumped into the big fluffy big -If it's a big fluffy (and here I assume the second 'big' should be read 'bed') bed, it's also 'long blue nightgown.'
This does not seem edited before post.
| laterria chapter 1 . 9/12/2013
| Guest chapter 8 . 9/10/2013
so amei is dead ? I liked amei :(
cool story so far! I like the idea .
| Guest chapter 5 . 9/10/2013
Awh, that's sad . Cool story so far .
| The13TalesOfHamjou chapter 6 . 8/23/2013
Huh? I don't think it does, although it may just be my own computer...
Still kinda depressing, but it's really good!
(Why does Dai have to be so mean..? TT)
I can't wait for the next chapter!
| The13TalesOfHamjou chapter 5 . 7/27/2013
Sorry for being late!
...TT This was so...sad. I've never even thought...Anyway, That was great (and a little VarinxMaz...I like that. :3) I'm impressed! not a lot of people can handle angst well. Although, word to the wise, be sure to not get excessively gory on those parts. It can be easy to go a little over board. Please keep up the good work! I can't wait for the next chappië!
| LoveBirdWriter98 chapter 5 . 7/12/2013
Aww... So sad :( I hope Maz gets better! Varin is so sweet! I think im in love with him XD
So far its really interesting... I wonder what happened with thse wizards and that king...
| The Blind Guardian chapter 1 . 7/9/2013
I really like your concept for this story. I think you could do a lot with it, including turning some of the classic fairy tales on their heads.
I like the overall progression of the chapter. I feel like enough happened at the right times to make for a successful one. I have a lot to say, Dino, and before you read it, know I'm only picky to be helpful. In terms of the story itself, I think you're off to a good start.
I didn't point out everything I noticed, mainly because there's no real seamless way to do so without giving you tons of my text to read. But if you find this sort of thing helpful, let me know, and if you want me to I'll continue with the next chapter.
I loved the opening poem. It works very well here as a means of setting the scene.
"imposing, yet dirt covered fingers
" - Not sure sure if that's imposing is the right word. But either way, I don't think you need the yet. That's a good opening paragraph however.
I'd suggest combining the "me again..." and the paragraph before it. I love how it starts, but I think she could wish it to the one twinkling star. THen, next paragraph, say the wish. After that, maybe "it was the same thing every night." I find all the info about the royal family and beheading in that paragraph a bit much. Lots you could show, rather than tell. Then we wonder at the outset why her life is so bad. You show us, and we'll sympathize more with her.
""Mazare! You're on Princess duty
"" Good paragraph also. Maybe when talking about the womans angry brows, you might not need the word seem. "seaming" often cheapens the image. That's been drilled into me a lot as a writer.:) Instantly don't like this woman based on her description, but I'd love her opening line to be a little more jarring. Insulting maybe.
""She's sick. And you ..." Think you could take away the dialog tag. We know it's the old woman speaking. We know it's an order.
""But- Fine..." Maz gave up. ..." That whole paragraph confused me. You use "her" and "she" to the point that I'm not sure who's thinking what. I'm also not sure if the italic bit at the end is a thought, or an inner voice. I'm guessing so, but that whole paragraph could be clarified. I know you clarify it in the next, but still...
"And remember to keep your mouth shut. Can't have you ..." New paragraph after the dialog, because Mas is now doing an action.
"Just as she was about to turn it she remembered a thought, " I'd actually take that whole sentense out. But "rememberd a thought" definetly. The part about knocking is great though. All of that helps create a sense that this job is really not only horrible, but quite dangerous.
"Mazare knocked a little too hard
" Where you say "she could hear..." Why not make that active? Just have the princess say come in. Or something stronger, depending on how much of a brat she is.:)
I like the description of the room, though a bit more might not hurt. What you have is good, and revolting.:)
You don't need thoughts in quotes, especially when you're italicising them. You usually don't need "she thoughtin this case either, because it's obvious Mas is the one thinking it. Still, yes, yes she is spoiled.
"She observed her disagreeing.
..." What does that mean?
""Sick." Maz responded,
..." No need for that dialog tag. "Sick" will do. And Keeping it short is implied by the single word." I'm also wondering if maybe Mas would want to be a little more respectful? I love the abruptness of that single word, but if she's really that worried about getting herself killed, maybe being a bit more subtle would be good. And she could hate it. Oh how she could hate it.:)
"Amare inquired rudely.
" not needed. Again, the dialog conveys that. Good dialog makes these tags unnecessary. Character actions are good. Brushing her hair aside, fidgetting, doing something. But "she said, inquired rudely etc ... they're not needed every time, especially with an exchange between two characters. It's good to find a balance between action and dialog. Make your characters do something, and that will help.:)
"Mazare just glared. She would've responded with a sarcastic response, "... Also unneeded. She can glare (dangerous), but less is more here too. "She bit back a retort" or something, that's more of an action sentense, and that's a bit better. Would ahve, should have, etc, that's telling.
"The other is a long blue gown ..." was, not is. Keep an eye on your past and present tenses. Like the description though.
""To dinner? Why do you need something special to wear to dinner in YOUR OWN house " have it start with "Mas rolled her eyes." then do the quote. I'd stop after "...dinner in your own house?" Though you could add the "You don't need to impress anyone." Or even "Who do you have to impress?" Still, she's very daring for talking to the princess that way.
"..."Amare hinted rudely.
" again, remove. Try using as few ly words as possible. Sometimes that's hard to do, but they rarely add anything to the story.
I do like many of your names, by the way.
""Why? Why should it matter that you're royalty? ..." YES! Not sure she's not trying to commit suicide, but yes! Love the exchange here.
"I'm placed at a high social ranking ..." high higher.
"...she curiously noted a small ruby ..." Can her eyes wander, or flash or something to the pendant? Could the pendant glint, which catches her eye? You're still telling, not showing through character action.
And is it a ruby, or a ruby colored gem?
"Now, Maz wasn't one to stutter, ..." This whole paragraph more oppertunity to show, not tell. It's a cliche I'm saying, and I'm going to keep saying it, but I can't stress it enough.:)
"Maz restated to make sure that she heard her correctly." Take out, but have Mas show surprise before she responds.
I really like the transitional paragraph. I would like to know what she's wearing, and what this place looks like, but it's a great transition, and I like Mas's feeling like royalty, even if just a little.
"she was very far away from the family, which Maz didn't mind of course..." maybe isntead of "of course" try "a bit?" of "at all"?
"Mas didn't know how to respond." should be a new paragraph.
"Princess Amare asked Mazare who was (literally) digging into her food." no need for ( and ).
"Now that Mazare is standing in front of the mirror, we should take a minute to finally describe her. ..." I agree, this is a good place to do so. But you completely changed perspectives on us. It seems like a whole new narrator. Is someone telling this story? I didn't think so until now. Maybe if it's a fairy ttale, someone should be. As it stands now, this is just jarring. She should definatley check herself out in that mirror though. I do really like her description though. You do well here in terms of detail.
This whole section is a good time for Mas to reflect on her circumstances, and a time for the reader to have a better idea as to what happened to her. But this present-tense change of narration shift still seems very different than what you had before.
"Maybe things will get better..." No need for another line for Maybe. Even ... will be okay.
| The13TalesOfHamjou chapter 4 . 6/17/2013
xD Nice ending. At least Maz is starting to warm up a little to Varin...Hm...I hope Dai calms down a little bit... I think I'm in love with Amar...Amay...Ahme...AMEI. xD I'll be mentally chewing my nails until the next chappie! ;D TEEHEE! :D
| LoveBirdWriter98 chapter 3 . 6/14/2013
Awh! That's so sad :( Great writing tho!
DaiXMaz would be soooooo cuteee! Even though they hate each other... Just saying...
Please continue! This story deserves to be mor acknowledged.
| Guest chapter 3 . 6/8/2013
sad but really great. your writing is amazing please continue
| The13TalesOfHamjou chapter 3 . 6/5/2013
...TT Well, I feel depressed. You perfectly conveyed the emotion, though! I really, really hope they start to get along. ...Man...I really am quite sad for them. Is that why...? This answers a few questions, but now there are even more. How is Dai going to act to Maz now? Is Varin doing to say anything? Ack! I can't wait for the next chapter! Please keep it going!
| LoveBirdWriter98 chapter 2 . 6/5/2013
Cool! I love it! I like Amei and Varin, but Dai is rude :(
Please continue! Your writing is amazing!
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/1/2013
That was really well writen. im impressed i hope you make more
| The13TalesOfHamjou chapter 2 . 6/1/2013
Another chappie so quickly? Is it my birthday? :3 :p Hmm...This is really good intro to the characters. I wonder...will Maz start to like everyone? I think I'm already in love Amei. :) Iwanna snuggle him. :3 Dai (I'm glad you liked the name :D) seems like a jerk, but did something horrid happen to him? Hopefully he'll lighten up a little. And what about Varin? He reminds of a wise older brotherish. He also seems like the silent-sweety. I really want to know more about them! Please keep up the good work! I'm already in love with this story! :D