I like how you've drawn a paralleled the "once upon a time" / "they lived happily ever after" structure with THIS particular plot; it's fitting, considering that this is a fantasy story. I'm also highly intrigued by the little girl you've written about here. I wonder if she'll later try to avenge her uncle, or if she'll go on to practice magic herself.

There seems to be some great significance in Percival's name. Is he a renowned witch hunter? A former witch himself? Again, I like how you've set up the start of this story, because it leaves the reader with loads of questions. I personally am really interested to see what happens next, which I think just goes to show the talents you possess as a writer.

By far my favorite aspect of this story, however, was your writing. It's simply so thick with nuances and imagery. Flawless.

Wonderful work! Sorry for returning this review so late - thanks a ton for your feedback to The Roads We Walk, I really appreciate it :D
xx Resa

Hey!

Ah, ah! Magic! The old fool had it coming! Who is he to perpetuate such a vile and diabolic art?

Ok, so... From what I understand, this is "Fairy Tale gone bad". Geppetto is getting thrown in jail because he is practising magic, but the kind of magic that made Disney's fortune. So... Percival is the villain? That can't be so! The story is named after him. What is going on?

Funny story, I actually did a paper on the unfinished story of Perceval by Chrétien de Troyes for my Medieval Literature class when I still had those. I don't think this is the same character, though... (The guy committed sexual assault because he misunderstood his mother's advice about women: "If a woman kisses you, ask her for a ring to show your fidelity." Result: "Kissed a married woman and stole her ring.")

Anyway, I like your story too. It's nice to see that evil wins! (Or is it not?) Maybe some of your sentences are a bit more convoluted than they should be. "Time and space hold their collective breath." I'll admit that sounds original, but I felt it was a little off. English is not my first language, though.

Everything is understandable, so no need to worry too much about this anyway. You get the story, a little bit of the setting, and you show rather than tell, which is really good!

I honestly liked it more than I thought I would (I am a pessimist, sue me).

Well done!

This is nice. Some of it's a little wordy (that's my opinion so feel free to ignore it) but still good. I like your word choice. Where a simple word would do, you go for the more "advanced" option, and I applaud you for that.

Another good chapter. I like how we have gone back to Molle, seeing a softer side to her.

So the plot gets thicker? The king knows this witch is coming for him?

As much as Percival is a prat, I hope they dont burn him... short book if they do?

Not much to nit pic at today. The dialogue is good, you give us enough information about the state of the kingdom by the dirty guy molle bumped in to. You get the madness of the king over well too, and how his own people are afraid of him.

Well done, just one question for you what is a prince nez'?

xXSXx

Welcome back :)

What a creepy witch! And as much as I don't like Percival, you had me feeling sorry for him. Although he's not such a nice person, I get the impression that he's totally misunderstood. The true villains are the king, and now the witch.

The chapter doesn't feel hastily written, there is plenty in there that jells together and it flows pretty well too. But I know you want to know the buts and howevers first. So here they are...

The punctuation around some of the speech marks is lacking. I thought you should always punctuate before the closing speech marks? Even if the sentence carries on. Such as this example.

"You know darling" Alisa continued sweetly, - I could be wrong here, but I thought that should have been "You know darling," Alisa continued sweetly, - There are a few of these though out the chapter.

more similar her precious bird's - should that be - more similar to her precious bird's?

Percival clung to the task she had been sent to perform - he not she?

I don't think the sentence length is a problem in this chapter. In some places they are fast short ones which for me adds to the speed of action. Well done, looking forward to the next chapter :)

xXSXx

If I forgot to say this, I'm Epic Myth from the roadhouse obviously.

And I want to say, this story isn't going to be as great as it could be until some edits are made. Fortunately, it's the first draft and the whole point is to get words on paper. But one of the things you need to work on is to stop trying to make the dialogue any fancier than it needs to be.

I said it before and I'll reaffirm it now. "Said." is a powerful and simple tool. Using anything else is suggesting that the reader is too dumb to hear how the character talk or the dialogue isn't showing us how the character is talking. Molle for example. There's more than once you used "hissed" when Molle is talking and there's a "!" I know it might sound funky or funny, but it is the God Honest truth.

It doesn't mean you can't do it, but it's preferable to change it up every now and then. But in writing, even creative/fictional writing, "said" or "asked" is preferred.

Another thing, the Captain, Roger, I think shouldn't have been explained in one paragraph. His morals, I think could have been heard or understood through dialogue rather than a brief paragraph. It detracts from the story because it takes away more from the character. I get that you are trying to keep it moving, get to the plot, but sometimes these things have to be investigated rather than spoken of.

Maybe it might show up further in the story, but I remembered how you asked in a review of my story, why there wasn't much build-up or explanation of Shawn King, the character that got the plate to his head. Other than the fact that he was the protagonist's little sister's boyfriend, there isn't much else about him.

I don't like budding in as a narrator. In good time, he'll be further looked upon by his actions or how other characters treat him or say to him. Same goes for all my characters. If anything, telling should only be done if it's to describe the scene or its to relate a thought from the character.

But most of story-telling should be through the character's words or actions. That's just advice, which doesn't have to be followed all the time. Sometimes it's good to briefly explain things through narration. But this is every now and then, it shouldn't be a pattern seen in every chapter.

But that's the nitpicky stuff, the good stuff is that the characters are far from perfect. It's definitely as you said it would be, they aren't living happily and their lives are very conflicted. The King is indeed insane, especially with the last chapter how he killed the raven by himself (by the way, now that I am thinking about it... how did he do that?)

Anyway, it leaves an impression that being under this King's rule sucks and the protagonist is definitely going to get a reality check sooner or later.

So far, my favorite character is Roger. It would have been Molle but something doesn't click between me and her, not yet that is. Although I've only seen Roger briefly, I like him for being cool for a guard.

I think I am starting to see what is off. Although it isn't as bad as others, there is still these small cases of telling that isn't necessary, or could be better explained through dialogue. Again, looking back at after reading it all, it really isn't that bad, but at stylistic point of view, I would rather hear these details from the characters themselves rather than through the narration.

Maybe it's because I am not into Authoritarian style, but instead of having a paragraph about how Percival and Molle know each other, how about take the time for them to organically talk about it. It's what I noticed back in Chapter 1 and it reappears here again.

In fact, that's really my biggest complaint. So many details/telling drowning out the characters. I am hearing the narrator more than the actual characters. It's tricky to do for some people, especially when it comes down to going outside of your style to accomplish different things.

But personally, these characters are not "alive". I am reading about Quincey being a sniveling coward instead of experiencing it... seeing it... HEARING it. I suggest add more dialogue in these areas.

Also, another thing. It's a rule I stumbled upon, but it makes a lot of sense. "Said" is a friendly companion to dialogue. It's not intruding, it's not telling you what to think or hear. "Said" is easy to read over and it doesn't mess up the beat to the story.

I barely seen one use of "said".

Which means you are trying too hard... which goes back to what I am saying before, let me see this through the characters' eyes, not yours. Or else it loses power or believability.

from the Roadhouse (return)

I have for some reason, very sadly, lost the ability to copy and paste right now on Fictionpress stories. It's very frustrating. Because of this - I'm going to try to do my best to point out typos but hopefully you understand that it becomes frustrating without the copy and paste ability. I'm going to flip if FP took it away or something...

"blonde" should be "blond" if we're talking about a man - unless you're using American English, in which case everyone should just be "blond" whether male or female - if UK, the French spelling is "blonde" for women and "blond" for men. The more you know! There are also many instances where you're missing punctuation in your quoted dialogue. This ranges it seems, from missed commas to missed periods. Not sure if this is just because of typos or if you're just not formatting dialogue correctly...one example is paragraph 3 from the bottom of this chapter up - "shut yeh' mouth, Quincey" Molle growled - it's missing a capital letter for "Shut" and then missing a comma after "Quincey" - so it's things like that. Maybe just run through for editing and make sure you get those inserted so the dialogue runs smooth with the speaker tags.

Regarding your author's note quick, no I don't think it's too long at all, feels like a good length to me. I think the most interesting thing for me regarding this first chapter is Percival as a character. His name of course alludes to the holy grail knight of Arthurian myth, so one might expect that he be well - aligned perhaps with the connotations of his name, but I don't find that true at all. He seems almost nervous, perhaps a bit of a coward - he stutters a lot, feels unsure, and is very dwarfed by the King and in the fringes of his shadow.

Which - their relationship to me appears highly highly complex, since the King hates magic but keeps Percival around. The only thing I feel lacking from this chapter is explaining or beginning to untangle for me why exactly Percival is still around if he's magical... I mean, like I said, it's clear that there are probably many complex issues going on here, but it felt very strange - and why, exactly, does this King hate magic more than perhaps, other Kings? That doesn't need to be answered right away or anything, but I think it's clearly a question in this chapter that is raised and I look forward to seeing the answer unfold as the King is more characterized.

Your writing overall is very well done. I like the flow of it, it's easy to understand, you've got very good imagery linked together with unique characters. While Percival was unexpected, he certainly is very far from being cliche or stereotypical for a main character, even a potential hero character, and I really liked that about him. The ending solidifies these views of him and I like that we get him dwarfed yet again by a powerful figure, Molle - and she seems far from the status of the King, so I liked seeing him interact with someone who isn't of that status but still has control. Some great moments here with him, and the plot unfolding here makes me interested to see what will happen, as I'm guessing perhaps Molle is upset about Percival's recent arrest, especially considering that they allegedly used to be family friends.

Magic in your world feels like it has a very complicated relationship with the state and kingdom, so I look forward to seeing how those things are negotiated!

I forgot to say I'm Epic Myth from the Roadhouse. Also, I am sorry for confusing Fletcher as Percival, I didn't know the "protagonist" of the story is actually the pet of the King. That is a very interesting twist! I read your bio and I now understand what you mean about twisting the stories into something original. So far, I haven't seen anything from the old tales that I can recognize other than the toy maker and Pinocchio being a girl named Molle Pith. The fact that she's little and Quincey is little makes me wonder if Quincey is in fact Pinocchio after changing his name.

Maybe I an looking into this too deeply but my first thought about Uncle being the toymaker from Pinocchio was correct. However, there's more to this story and I am ready to read since things have certainly picked up.

I enjoy your writing, although, slightly lengthy and a little telling, it is done better than most I have seen. It's entertaining at the very least and it does make me wonder if the King might turn around and have Quincey hung (maybe I should call him Percival).

I am on the fence, to tell you the truth. The way you write, which I guess is called Arthurian, is unique to you. At the same time, ehhh... there are things that could be shown better through dialogue. At the same time, I do get a feeling that the words expressed are few and a lot of time is spent speculating.

I don't know, I can't suggest anything really. At this point, it's your style and I don't think it is wrong. It's just different from how I do things, which makes it interesting to see for me. That and I like the idea of a female Pinocchio, Molle Pith. The names in this story are legit.

Wow, this is really good. As I read more and more of the stories here on FP, I come to realize the many writing styles I have seen are nowhere near how many that are out there. I guess, in a way, like other stories, this has shed a light for me that I would not have experienced if I didn't read it. For one, this is not only third person with a dash of second person (if using you indicates anything), it is in present tense which is pretty unique for a fairy tale. I am pretty sure most fairy tales are in past tense, if I am wrong, then I really should go back to look at those things.

Anyway, this was a really good read and it made me wonder who the Uncle and the little girl are. I am pretty certain it might have something to do with a long-nose wooden puppet who wanted to be a real boy, but I might be wrong. That tracker guy, Fletcher, is pretty well-made. I can perceive that he is going to be a very annoying antagonist as the tale is told. More importantly, this brings to question why magic is banded.

I do have some words of advice.

Some of the sentences are a little too long. Maybe it is just me, but you can pretty much split them with a period inserted in the middle. Perhaps others have said that already. I guess I'll mention it again.

At the same time, if it works, it doesn't have to be changed. It just seems a tad long, but its a distinct type of writing that's yours like how I prefer to write in choppy short and straight to the point statements. I like how you take your time to describe the scene and characters with this flavor that makes me see it very easily.

I wonder where this will go, but it is a Prologue after all.

from the Roadhouse (return)

I really liked your opening, you did a good job in my opinion avoiding the cliche of the "once upon a time" by playing off of it - plus I like how you open with all the different languages, acknowledging that this kind of trope originates not always from the English. Actually, as a suggestion, you might even want to add in some Eastern phrases too, as I think most of your languages are Western. I don't know how well versed you are in Eastern fairy-tales, but they're surprisingly often dealing with the same kinds of things, so I say it would give you more of that global scale too - if you wanted to build on that theme, anyway.

Your skill writing in the omniscient is very good and I'm impressed. I'm always wary of pieces that aren't exactly limited - and I don't feel this is, since we get the description of her Uncle out in the street where the little girl can't see him, but overall I think you did an excellent job with that kind of transition from the girl's narrative focus and then re-focusing on the bigger scene with her Uncle. It makes me wonder about your narrator though - who is it, and they're clearly telling the story from the future, so it makes me wonder who their target audience is as well. All things that might unfold themselves throughout the novel, but present interesting questions with this sort of thing, especially because they appear to have a vast knowledge of fairy tale-like stories in our own culture.

Your world building was good here - I like how you don't dump us in with too many vast kingdom descriptions or anything - instead, you're showing us what happens to magic practicers and I like how at the same time, using this technique, you convey information about the life of this little girl and what it must be like to live where lives, under the rule of these laws. The toymaker bit and alchemy was good - I'm always curious with stories that deal with alchemy and I'd love to see that expanded on (as I'm sure it might be in the future) - so there were many points here were I felt enticed to read more! Great, strong narrative voice, I think that's a big strength of yours! Writing was easy to read, it flowed, transitions were smooth. This was a good read :)

Some typos:
"Just put it on the table there, that's a good girl" the man's voice [period after "girl" and capitalize "The"]
"I am placing you under arrest" [period after "arrest"]
Instead all she hears in the gentle creak of cartwheels [should this be two words: cart wheels, like the wheels of a cart? I think "cartwheels" together are when you do the action of making a cartwheel, right? Maybe this is a UK spelling thing that I'm not aware of, though - if so, ignore me.]

All in all a good chapter regardless of my comments! The snivelling little sod... I so hope he gets his comeuppance. Love how the chapter progresses, just need to get the point of view sorted. I like hearing about main characters from other characters. Good chapter ending too, crying for his guards. Love it :)

percival - does he know his headache makes him hard to work with? Point of view... it always gets me but I was given a good tip from a very good author that if your writing from someone's point of view, if they cant see it, smell it, feel it, or hear it then should it be there? So is his lack of comradeship a general remark or does he know he's a pain in the arse? He's such a miserable sod too, I can see why the guards don't want him up to with them.

Nit pick about the carriage, if its a posh one and quite big, would it not have four or even six horses?

The second section, you flit between Percival and Rodger's pov on purpose? Its a bit messy. It would give the reader a better understanding of how much Percival is disliked if it was written from Rodger's pov. You have made some good points on how Percival feels but most of the chapter comes from Rodger, if you could get the same over but from Rodger's pov it would work much better. Your a bit like me and tend to flit into the mind of who ever is talking. Its best to sort it out now and not later when the book is complete!

and the trail behind only went continued back the way they had come. went doesn't fit.

like an electric shock, traveling - travelling

I don't know if its right but I was always taught never to start a paragraph with But or And or Or :) The whole short paragraphs there would flow well together

For the first time, Percival could begin to see where it was he was trapped. For the first time, Percival could see where he was trapped. - it says the same thing just not as messy :) you cant stop the flow.

The first in a set of broad stone pillars, spaced several meters apart, stood a short distance away. Their thick bodies were smoothly hewn from the rock, and seemed at the same time both natural and man-made; growing from the floor to the ceiling and yet intricately carved.

These regimented pillars served to create a narrow corridor of sorts down the exact centre of the cave. And beyond that-

The first in a set of broad stone pillars, spaced several meters apart, stood a short distance away. Their thick bodies were smoothly hewn from the rock, yet at the same time both natural and man-made; growing from the floor to the ceiling and intricately carved. These regimented pillars served to create a narrow corridor of sorts down the exact centre of the cave. And beyond. - There's a lot seemed in this chapter...

A throne seemingly created by a carpenter observing a flock of crows, mid explosion: Seemingly - as if created? I cant quite figure why this line is on its own?

How do we know her body was bony if the dress concealed it? Could you see her rib cage or knees?

It practically radiated off of her in waves - practically implies that it almost did or nearly, I feel a stronger word that gives no doubt that this is where the magic came from is needed. And again in the next paragraph the word is used again. I sometimes find that chapters have a word that gets used for a lot of the same meaning. Its like the writer mentally clings to it. Seam/seamanly and practically are your in this chapter.

I feel like you could cut out the whole start up until ‘Once upon a time’. Nothing against the writing you have there, but the whole ‘once upon a time is a cliché’ thing is, well, a cliché in itself now. Starting with [A match sparks in the darkness,] will have a much stronger impact. It draws the reader in instantly, gives a clear view of what’s happening and sounds like a brilliant opening line. Overall, you have a lovely writing style, especially for this story, and the chapter is effective at making us as readers really question what’s happening. The descriptions are solid and make it easy to imagine the scene, and as a first chapter it’s a great introduction to the story and the characters. Only one minor thing I noticed at the end – [grab a hold of her lost Uncle and drag him] ‘Uncle’ here isn’t a proper noun, so it should have a lowercase letter. Just something to keep in mind, grammar wise. But yeah, a great opening chapter which I really enjoyed reading. Good luck!

Another good intro to new characters. Short as it may be I feel it fits. The description of the kitchen and underbelly of the palace are good. I'm loving the dialogue, it flows well and theres no mix up in what bit belongs to who.

There are only a few problems as I can see it:-
Cordelia looked up waved cheerfully - looked up AND waved?

and had been confident this brightly morning - as I read I cant get brightly to fit?

pushing the empty bowl away from him across the table away from him - repetition at the end?

They all look like typo's or just lack of concentration to me.

Looking forward to chapter 4

xXSXx

A good chapter. There are some very good descriptive sentences that I really liked. Hearing Molle's knuckles pop as she gripped the pole was one, and my favourite:-
Percival Quincey had always been one of those men you didn't want to touch, the type who seemed to exude a constant air of slimy rodent loyalty.
That had me giggling, but also lets the reader know how deep his sliminess goes, how far it reaches. Very good. How you described Percival's experience with magic was also a good imagery. Now to the nit picking...

at least not without the King nearby - that I had to read over and over, wouldn't it be not with the king nearby? I just feel the king would be a bit peeved if this happened in his presence?

Mathias gestured to Percival was his full hand - with his full hand? I do this all the time and because you now what it should say you read it as you think it is and not as it is. I have a 17 year old daughter that reads my stuff and she often picks out bits like this. Same paragraph, you use , and together?

Technically he was magic user - was A magic user?

The firth paragraph from the end, where it has some good writing at the beginning. It also looses its flow by the end. Try playing with it and swapping bits around.

Another useful exercise, as I mentioned my daughter and how she picks out typo words and such, is that we read out loud together. She follows when I'm reading and often tells me I'm reading words that are not there... and when she reads out loud I notice wrong words. Its fun, and we now really look forward to reading together. I suggest if you could do the same. Choose someone who will stick with it through out the whole project.

Looking forward to the next chapter.
xXSXx