|Reviews for Witches And Contractors|
| Orange Liger chapter 1 . 7/20/2014
On that day he saw true awesomeness
| xXxd chapter 6 . 7/20/2014
Your writing has definitely improved since the start, and I sympathize with Yen. A slower progression as compared to Hina's, but Yen opened up to Vance too.
| xXxd chapter 5 . 7/20/2014
Probably my first time reading such a format, and I can see a lot of potential. Now to see how are you going to weave in the Common route if you are branching out.
| xXxd chapter 4 . 7/19/2014
The battle sequence was great, along with Brock and Vance combination.
I am more interested in Yen though. Why would she risk her life in taking a dangerous route for her kind?
Woah, big brother Brock has given the all green sign to go ahead. Don't waste this once in a lifetime chance, Vance!
| xXxd chapter 3 . 7/19/2014
"Vance-kun, make sure to act like a gentleman and lead Hina through her first time!" - You and your hidden innuendo, Brock.
The "Brock-san" you used in your narration is very jarring, so it's best to remove the honorifics.
Looks like the big bad boss is taking action himself. Brace yourself, Vance.
| Mokii chapter 3 . 7/8/2014
Vance, you're really oblivious -_-" its obvious Hima likes you and wants you to be her contractor! Brock seems like a little pervert when he said to 'lead Hina through her first time'...or I have a dirty mind xD
Midgard, Asgard...reminds me of Norse mythology. Which reminds me of 'The Avengers' and the 'Thor' movies (I'm a big Marvel fan xD)
| Mokii chapter 2 . 7/8/2014
If those Midgard soldiers wants her, then it must be because she's strong I'm hoping that Vance becomes Hina's contractor! I'm interested about how Witches are 'created' by humans.
That guy at the end who was smiling and crying made me think that he's kind of under a curse or something...
Haha, its fine if you do the whole 'boy meets girl'. Nothing is really 'original' anyways. xD
| Virage chapter 6 . 7/7/2014
This chapter also has some great characterization and I'm happy to see again, nothing was rushed. I might have skipped over grammatical errors but pay no mind, there's more important things going on in this chapter.
Again, I was surprised at how easy your taking the character development. It feels natural which I must admit, is surprising. The fact that Vance didn't throw an arm around her also took me a little by surprise. He really is a nice guy, isn't it? If he had taken the bait I would have been slightly put off, and depending on her reaction, it could have fallen into unrealistic territory. But he didn't and kept to himself. Good job Vance, you're filling out the protag role quite nicely.
Yen's background is similar to Vance and Hina's with the no parents thing, but at least she has the extra spice of being already contract and abused no doubt. Good tearjerker moments but it does make me wonder about the whole lack of parents thing going on in this story. It's too common a theme, but I don't exactly have suggestions on how to fix it either. Even if you cut out the whole orphanage thing and took out the bandits, and had HER father sell her off to Midgard after her mother got sick and died, the "lack of parents thing" would still exist and it would just be same thing in different form. Not that there's anything wrong with having character backgrounds with no parents. Although, the fact she never knew her parents means they could still exist. They could still come up later in your story. Which could create some crazy awesome tension and character drama depending on how you do it. So, the orphanage angle might be a gold mine waiting to be tapped.
Fairly short chapter so not much else for me to say. These two "character" arcs have better writing that your "common" arcs. I'm willing to say you're improving bit by bit with each chapter. Looking forward to what you got coming next.
Also, I have a guess of why the character relationships are so...carefully done. If you're not careful, anything deep that happens in your heroine arcs could really screw up your common chapters. So it'll be interesting to see how you solve these problems. As someone who has written love triangles and harems and completed the stories, it is extremely taxing to keep the story going without having the protag take one girl's route too far. Things start to fall apart if your protag starts ignoring other girls, or sides with a girl too quickly. Unless you're at the end of the story. But before then, the romantic tension must be kept at a constant boil else it gets cold, really quick.
| Virage chapter 5 . 7/7/2014
There's grammatical errors here and there but here are some that I caught - and by the way, I'm stealing your editing system since it cuts the amount of words I have to type by half.
Hina wears a saddened expression."You lost your parents to monsters [too?]" Slight tears flow from her eyes.
"Does that mean that[...]" - the ellipsis works better in this case since "Does that mean that?" is a sentence fragment. People use ellipses all the time but the proper way to use them is to denote an incomplete train of thought that suggests more is to be said but isn't.
"I'm sorry." These are the only words I can think to say.
Hina suddenly gently laughs, - I would use "suddenly" or "gently" but not both since double adverbs makes a sentence clunky. In this case "gently" would work better.
"Sure I like my brother, but that is just sick." - Bwahaha, you can never have too many little sister jokes. I would thumbs up that line if FP would let me.
Alright Cud, I was afraid you were going to rush the character development, but I like where this is going. There was just the right amount of interaction with accurate dialogue to make me feel like they made an impression on each other without just throwing themselves at each other. I dunno, maybe I like the "too-pure-pure-boy" and "too-shy-shy-girl" mentalities. (Kannagi: Crazy Shrine Maidens is a damn funny anime btw) so this was really fun to read. Realistic, sympathetic romance is a fine line to walk Cud, and you are doing it well.
Some of the sentences and grammar still come off as clunky but underneath it all, I know what you're trying to tell us as an author, and I like it. This chapter was relatively short, and the dialogue didn't flow as well as it could, but like I said, you got the message across loud and clear for me at least. I really hope there's a few more of these kinds of scenes that are just on the cusp of romantic before anything major happens between them.
I've played a lot of visual novels and my first visual novel was Narcissu, which was incredible. That was back when I got it from Insani. But heh, can't call myself a fan of the genre if I didn't play the hardcore stuff like Shuffle, Kanon, and...other adult oriented games. Wanko to Kurasou might be my favorite though. But actually, before all of that, I have to give a shout out to perhaps the greatest visual novel of all time; Planetarian. I cried so much. So, so much.
Oh I guess I got off track. For just Vance and Hina, this was a great character chapter. I can't wait to read Yen's version.
[double facepalms] ...and now I need to reinstall Wanko. Damn you Nostalgia, why do you haunt me so?
| Virage chapter 4 . 7/3/2014
Oh, the screams, the many many forms of screaming in this story. It's so bad, that its good. I hope you had humor in mind when you capslocked those cries of terror or pain, because if I ever see "KYAAA!" and "UURRFGGGGAAAA!" in a really serious scene, I will fall apart. I will start laughing and will have to reread a few paragraphs to try to get serious again. This isn't bad per se, because I enjoy it. But if you are trying to be totally serious though and are trying to set the mood, then yes, this is very bad.
"UURRFGGGGAAAA!" It lets out an inaudible screen as the arrow pierces through its many eyes. - That is definitely audible, in regards to yes it looks like Vance and Brock heard it. Maybe you were thinking "incoherent" instead of "inaudible"?
"Well, there's gratitude in its rawest form," - took me a second to get that but when I did, I instantly loved that line. This may be the greatest singular piece of dialogue spoken in this story. Hell, Brock may be the most interesting character in this story!
"...Plain and simply..." - should just be simple.
Yen is trailing behind a little bit behind Brock-san and I, she is definitely keeping her distance from us. - I would get rid of the double word and clean up the comma - Yen is trailing a little bit behind Brock-san and I and is definitely keeping her distance from us.
Ooh, that whole little bit with Yen walking is kinda awkwardly worded but wow, that's some incredible characterization there. Good job Vance for noticing how scared she was by showing how she reacted to being help up, instead of just saying "She's scared of me." Nice comparison using the hatred bit too. Unfortunately there's some tense shift going on as well. - After I realized this I tried to remain a safe distance... - Should be - After I realize this I try to remain a safe distance...
Ah and the end of the chapter. Interesting choice, and I think I see what you mean by trying something that will either work wonders in your story or fail horribly. But before that, "Night assault" seems really inappropriate. Isn't there a better way to put that? I mean, how is that not a euphemism for rape? I always google things I don't know, but I think I will pass on googling "Night Assault" just in case. Also, Brock is a total perv but it's almost refreshing to see a brother overly protective of his sister, in THAT sort of way. I'm sure he'd die for her but at least he's not like "I'LL BREAK YO FACE DUN EVEN LOOK AT MY SISTER." He kind of reminds me of the older brother in "Good luck Ninomiya-kun."
So the story is slowly getting better as each chapter progresses although some parts of dialogue still feel awkward, and some parts of narration feel clunky. It's getting better at least. I think Yen might be my favorite character because she has the most depth at the moment. She comes across as disliking humans and scoffs at the idea of being with them but is cleverly using her anger to hide some kind of crazy terrified fear of them, probably. And that is what makes her super interesting.
| Virage chapter 3 . 7/3/2014
With the exception of a few people who seemed to be interested... - Tense shift. Should be "With the exception of a few people who are interested/seem interested" and make sure the rest of it is in present tense as well.
For me who goes around killing monsters... - clunky sentence. Would change it to "Since I go around killing monsters..."
Asgard are an organisation that... - Asgard is singular so "is an organisation" should suffice.
"I may already have," Hina whispers something that I can't quite hear. - So this is in first person. Did he hear "I may already have" and then she said something else too that he didn't hear? Otherwise take out that dialogue completely and leave it as - Hina whispers something I can't quite hear. - to show it. Since its first person, we as the audience will never, ever, see or hear something that Vance doesn't see or hear first. Although the end of the last chapter was a break from first person, which was interesting. I guess I never noticed. But that's something else entirely.
I probably missed some grammatical corrections, but I don't really care about that. First, hey, some emotion! This chapter is a welcome change from the previous one. Although the descriptions are still a little too lacking for my taste, the characters are finally shaping up into something decent. Hinata, despite being told is cute constantly by the protag, does act and feel cute. She got embarrassed because her brother is a total perv. I guess she could have sighed, clicked her tongue, and rolled her eyes instead, but she got embarrassed! I'll take this over tsundere any day. Vance is coming of as kind of a perv too. I know she's cute but there are better ways of showing it. Show it in actions instead. Whenever you feel the urge to say "Hinata is cute" make her do something really cute. Make her blow her bangs out of her eyes. Or tuck her hair behind her ear. Or press her fingers together while she looks away. Make her giggle and then quickly cover her mouth with pink face because she subconscious about the way she laughs. Maybe she nibbles her thumb when she's confused. Explore, experiment, think of things that would make your heart skip a beat if you saw a cute girl doing them. There are sooooo many ways girls can be cute. Girls are the best!
Ah hell, I lost my train of thought. But yeah, so Vance has some cumbersome moments still, but it's funny that other people think he's like a super hot/cute guy even though he makes absolutely no mention of his own romantic interests. I really like this. I absolutely love that he is not self conscious about it in the slightest. Please make other people notice and talk about it on a frequent basis but make sure to keep him totally ignorant of it. Don't even let him think about it. This dichotomy of what exists and what is shown through his eyes because of the first person narration is one of the greatest perks about first person narration in general. We have to empathize with him, because it is the only point of view. If he tells us he's not popular, we have to be inclined to believe him. It's a fine line to walk, but if done right, can garner some great moments of humor.
Umm, some other minor characters and some little fighting, but nothing spectacular. Just one thing about Vance. In the prologue, there was tension. There was a shit ton of tension because Wolves (greater than sign) villagers. However, as of late, Vance seems kinda like a badass so there's no tension. The soldiers of Midgard seem to be a little flaky and weak, so Vance kinda trounces them. I mean, the girl practically AOEed them with the fireball and they were done. While there is nothing inherently wrong with this scheme, I'm just letting you know there is zero tension. I have yet to see Vance get his ass kicked, or even get touched by someone...other than Hinata. BAM. Joking aside, the unusual entrance of what seems like a mid boss character should spice things up. I hope Vance has his first real struggle with an opponent.
| Virage chapter 2 . 7/3/2014
Uncle isn't a proper noun anymore?
They mainly get their revenue from slaying monsters for paying towns and villages. - Just an oddly worded sentence. Might want to move it around it bet because it can be read as they are getting their revenue from monsters for giving money to towns and villages. Hah. That's really funny. Anyway - They mainly get their revenue from towns and villages paying to slay monsters.
Witch is capitalized here but not in the prologue.
...typical Midgard soldier's opinion 'Witches are tools' I truly do hate these people. – I think you need a period after "tools" otherwise it reads awkwardly.
I take another sword of one of the soldiers I fell. – I think fell should be in past tense since the present tense verb is "take" and the soldier has already been felled.
...now that I found the opportune time. – is a sentence fragment. Maybe, "now that I found the opportune time I attack" or "I go on the offensive" or you can combine it with the next sentence. "...now that I found the opportune time CRACK! I use the sword resting on my back and break my opponent's swords."
The way I use my swords is very unorthodox, but by using a more wider motion, I can increase it's destructive power, that is the reason I hold one of my blades against my back, although this does slow down it's speed, leaving me open, but the sword I use for defence covers this. – Lot's going on in this sentence which needs to be addressed. First, there's a lot of spots where you have commas that should be periods or commas that are unnecessary. Second, it's is the contraction it is but here you want to use its, or the possessive pronoun. Third, "although" serves the same purpose as "but" so you only need one. – The way I use my swords is very unorthodox, but by using a wider motion I can increase its destructive power. That is the reason I hold one of my blades against my back. Although this does slow down its speed, leaving me open, the sword I use for defense covers this.
...several buttons undone at the bottom revealing her navel area – I think several buttons undone would reveal more than that hah. I would just say two buttons, or something.
The pentagram is black, this means she is a Witch who doesn't have a contractor yet, otherwise it would be blue. – This is a really clunky sentence and doesn't flow at all. I think maybe – The pentagram is black, meaning she is a Witch without a contractor. Otherwise, it would be blue.
"And you are?" I ask, you can trust me when I say that I am a lot more interested in you than your brother. – lots of things wrong with this sentence. It's written in second person meaning its addressed to the audience. It's also written as if he is talking to her but either way, he is still addressing us. You can fix this easily by taking out "you" entirely. – "And you are?" I ask. Trust me when I saw that I am a lot more interested in her than the brother.
At the very end, the last section is written in past tense but then the dialogue is in present tense. Just keep everything in present tense to avoid the tense shift. – Inside a large room with little lighting there is two men...
Okay, so those are most of the problems I caught, but onto some subjective opinions. This story is kind of flat. The dialogue seems really unnatural and almost robotic. There were lots of instances where I read what someone was saying and thought "People don't really talk like that." For instance – "Stupid Witch, do you think he'll get away unscathed if you use such a powerful spell in such a confined space?" – that is just some...strangely cumbersome dialogue. It's almost technical. It's almost mechanical. Perhaps, robotic? Something more natural would be like "You dumb Witch, try to hit us with a fireball without setting your brother on fire too."
The descriptions, while in some spots are good, the girl was decently characterized at least, still lack depth and setting. This story almost reads as a script instead of an actual story. It's mostly scene, dialogue, and then action. There are some spots where we get his internal thoughts, but we don't get any depth or emotion to them. We don't see him feeling confident, anxious, or scared. There's no extra little detail describing the alley, or the people, or small gestures and movements the girl makes because she's scared. At the moment, its just kind of bland. A lot of it is telling and not showing. There are so many things you could get into other than what is obvious. You could describe the body language, the sounds of the city outside the alley, the smell of the dark and dank alley itself. Does he get worried at all during the fight? Is it hot outside? Does he feel sweat against his back as he keeps it pressed against the wall? There's just so much that could be happening, but it's not happening. You gotta make your five senses work for you in a scene. Finding the right balance between sight, sound, and touch, either physical or internal, will give you more powerful tools as an author.
| Virage chapter 1 . 7/3/2014
Okay, I don't come across many present tense written stories, not that they don't exist, but they are very hard to write, even though logically you would think they would make more sense.
Grammatically, the story is mostly correct. I didn't see anything jump out at me, except for the narration in present tense.
Ah, this seems to be a reoccurring theme in almost every story I've reviewed on FP lol. Dialogue tags are incomplete sentences. Despite exclamation points and question marks, "I did what?" He said, is grammatically incorrect. Never capitalize the he said/she said part unless it is its own sentence. "I did what?" he said, or "I did what!" he said, is the correct way to write it.
"AHHHH!" Screams of the townspeople ring my eardrums. - This is correct
"URGH!" He groans as he falls to the ground after taking a slash from the Wolf's claw. - This can actually stand on its own as a sentence.
"Vance...run..." Uncle said weakly - This is correct but only because you're using Uncle as a proper noun.
"RUN VANCE!" My Uncle screams with the last of his strength as the Wolves sink their teeth into him. - This can actually stand on its own as a sentence.
"Right!" They reply together, as expected of twins. - This can actually stand on its own as a sentence.
"Are you unhurt?" The red haired boy asks me whilst keeping his eyes on the Wolves, I give a slight nod in response. "That's good." He said with a smile... - This is the culprit! "The" should be lower-cased and the end should be "That's good," he said with a smile. This is grammatically correct.
Now the reason I have all those examples is because either by coincidence, or by design, a lot of your sentences can work either way. In all the examples I gave, you can also lower-case the first letter of the start of the dialogue tag and it would be fine as well (Except Uncle which is a proper noun). Just a weird, feng shui sort of thing you have going on here. But for future reference, "I did what?" he said, is the correct way to write it.
"BEHIND YOU! LOOK OUT VANCE!" A voice shouts, I turn my body around, before me brandishing it's claws charging at me, is a Wolf. - Lots of stuff going on in this sentence. First, I would make the comma after "shouts" a period. Then I would turn the second comma into "and", "it's" doesn't need an apostrophe, and then add "and" after "claws" and get rid of "at me" since Vance is the only one the Wolf can brandish its claws at and charge, also you used "me" already. It should read like this - "BEHIND YOU! LOOK OUT VANCE!" a voice shouts. I turn my body around and before me brandishing its claws and charging, is a Wolf.
Standing on either side of the red haired boy are two girls, who have pretty much the same appearance, they're probably twins. - What, no description? At all? I mean, at least the boy got to have red hair. The physical description is almost non-existant. Actually, I don't even care what guys look like, but at least give me something to fantasize about for the females! But seriously, red haired boy with the sword that has a blue aura is alright. And I actually really liked that the witches have tattoos, definitely gives them some physical character. But what do these people look like? What are they wearing? You don't have to tell me exactly what kind of tatoos the girls have, cause I doubt anyone would care that much, but they should definitely have some kind of physical description. Even vague ones are okay. They were up to the red haired boy's shoulder. They wore black boots and red dresses. They were witches but didn't have any hats or brooms. You know, stuff like that.
Okay, so I was pretty interested in the premise of this story. And even though a lot of spots look kinda vague or undefined, I actually didn't mind it, I don't know why. Maybe its because I played a lot of Dragon Age Origins and screaming townsfolk and Wolves are just...already fresh in my memory. I think I've seen enough burning villages to last till Dragon Age 3.
I wanted to mention that Wolves, Slimes, and Trolls, I don't believe, are proper nouns, but since you were consistent that goes beyond proper grammar and falls into your realm of artistic licensee. Because you were consistent, I don't have an issue with it. Although, why isn't witches a proper noun then? It feels like it should be.
God, I hope I'm not a grammar nazi. Well, I probably am, but the grammar rules I'm pointing out aren't just simple "You forgot a period here" but are more on the lines of literary professionalism. Yes, think of it like that. These are habits you should fix earlier rather than later. Seeing as this is my first time reviewing your first chapter, I'll assume I will see many of these same errors in writing style onward, so I will refrain from pointing them all out. Just a little reminded is all, I promise.
| Mokii chapter 1 . 6/19/2014
Hello I wanted to read Soul Anomaly since I've seen it everywhere, but it's so long I'm afraid I'll never be able to finish _
Sooo- I decided to see your newer story! The prologue was short and sweet, though I was kind of expecting you to flesh out what the destruction of the town looks like. Well, this is the prologue and I haven't read the other chapters yet, so it should be fine for now. Just make sure to be more descriptive in future chapters
I kind of liked the red-haired boy and the twins. I don't know, I imagine them to be supportive and kind in their own way. Also, I'm interested in how the Witches and Contractor thing works.
| Louis-sama chapter 6 . 6/8/2014
The dialogues were a bit cheesy, and the deceased parents as backstory felt kind of overused, but I guess there's nothing that we can do about it. It's hard to come up with something truly original. It felt short, this chapter, but you got the point across, which is good. Kudos for you. I suppose that I can hope you can do more in the future, so please keep it up.