|Reviews for Hüna|
| Epic Myth chapter 1 . 11/11/2013
Hey, it's Epic Myth from the Roadhouse and I am not just impressed, I am freaking amazed! The beginning of this chapter was a little dull, although the drip portion made it very interesting, I stopped a couple of times because I got distracted by other things before I would return, start over, and get stopped again. But finally, I had the chance to sit down and actually read this through and while the first protagonist didn't offer much... Varou offered PLENTY and his talkative, rambunctious, hot-headed attitude complimented the solitary, confined, and quiet girl sitting across from him. Starting the story with exact opposites meeting each other is a well-used character technique because it characterize them both and make it so readers like me can feel them out easily.
From what I can see, Varou is not only haughty and I am also guessing Irish or Scottish, he's ridiculously fun to read about. The dialect is sharp, witty, authentic to the point that I hear his voice booming in my head and I love it. I read what he says and it gets a hearty laugh out of me. But the gold lies with our silent girl across from him as he tries and tries again to talk to her to no avail. Then that's... that's when you have comedy gold even if your aim isn't to be all that funny. But I hope you were because you've achieved that wonderfully.
Her silence is hilarious and instead of talk, her little actions, like tilting her chin into her chest while staring at him was... cute. I have no idea what the plot is, but I am sure it might come later. I am a man who loves good characterization or stories pushed forward by good characters rather than a plot that just carries the story. I love dialogue and the dialogue here is good. It's distinct between each character involved and the way you wrote their body languages, while nuances in life, means a whole lot on word. At the same time, I do love your use of sound words - twang being one of them. It makes the scene that much more vivid.
I haven't said this to anyone but this is a stronger beginning compared to my story with the leads being instant favorites. I honestly want to see more from this story. Those are my thoughts.
| CTRL-Zed chapter 2 . 11/9/2013
All right. This chapter brought up a lot of questions, like why Varou was set up by the lord, and why the lord imprisoned Hüna for what seems to be her entire life. There's this really creepy / squicky vibe between their interaction in this chapter.
I like how you also manage to squeeze in details about relationships through the ways the characters interact. The guard Godane's relationship with Huna - especially the part where he apparently hid her existence for the past few years - was well done.
Quick spelling / grammar check. Use the advice as you wish:
[... it was a false diagnoses ... ] - "diagnoses" should be "diagnosis". "Diagnoses" is the plural form.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 2 . 11/4/2013
Even though, as you wrote, this chapter is heavy with dialogue, I felt you did a wonderful job at capturing this personality and character of Varou. I think that's what I enjoy most about this novel so far, his heavy accent and how you present it. It must be hard keeping up with chaning the words as such, at least I know I would struggle with that. So I think it's really cool that you're able to do so as smootly as you do.
I also enjoyed the interactions between the characters. The conversation never got awkward and it felt very believable. The emotions/tones seemed reasonable and I quite well enjoyed all of Varou's reactions. They were enjoyable to read and imagine.
And speaking of imagining, you did an awesome job at setting up the image of the cell area. It's clearly not a pleasent place, and I felt uncomfortable as I tried to imagine being in such a situation.
You clearly know what you're doing and so far I find this an amazing read. The plot is strong and intriging, and your writing style enjoyable. This was a fun chapter to read.
| Subject-Goto chapter 1 . 11/3/2013
Goto from Roadhouse here, returning a review :)
The opening was great. The repetition of always was subtly clever, to display the repetitiveness of the drips and the constant that was her time down there. Or maybe I looked into it too much xD Your description (as it was throughout the entire story) was effective and smooth, setting the tone early on.
The main character started out as eery but innocent and later evolved into seeming full on cuckoo creepy. Understandable for someone who's been there years. Her relation with the guards intrigued me. They seem to like her, and her them. So I've got to wonder whether: A. She's developed stockholm syndrome B. They know she's innocent and pity her or C. They just pity her. It could always be something more, mind. I look forward to finding out.
I don't think I noticed any glaring errors while reading and your writing is excellent, so no complaints I suppose.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 10/3/2013
I really like this, and would love to see more. It has a great style to it which fits the story, and you convey a lot about the character without giving too much away or even having her say anything. I will suggest maybe cutting down a little on the accent thing; it’s difficult to pull off without it becoming grating after a while. But yeah, just a little, because some of it does work and it really adds a lot to the character. Great hook, in regards to making the reader question what’s going on and who these characters are. Really good stuff and I eagerly look forward to more.
| Vladvonbounce chapter 1 . 9/19/2013
Thoughts are this is a very strong start. the story really hooks into you. lovely formatting with the dripping water starting and ending the chapter. It raises so many questions. Who is this girl? Why won't she speak? What did she do wrong?
Good work on the accent of Varou as well, easily understandable but clearly different. The contrast between the two of them is pretty clear. I am really interested to see where this story goes so I hope you post a second chapter up!
| CTRL-Zed chapter 1 . 9/15/2013
The story so far raises a lot of questions. Where did the female prisoner get the scar? And why is she imprisoned?
I also enjoyed interaction between the female prisoner and Varou. I'd love to see more of that in future chapters.
A quick spelling / grammar check. Use the advice if you want:
[A scratchy, soiled blanket that's color she could not hope to guess ... ] Not sure if "that's" is the word to use here. Maybe "its"?
| Lolitroy chapter 1 . 9/13/2013
Hallo from RH (*v*)/
Nice idea you got there, with the "drip". I've seen other stories where similar sensory elements are executed, but most of the time they come off too repetitive and annoying. However, the "drip" was frequent enough to be noticed but not repetitive enough that I'd weant to tear my brains apart. So, good job here :D
I loved Varou's voice. He just seemed so... out of real life. Dunno how to explain. Kind of like having him speaking right next to you without seeming unnatural or anything. In other words, he had a voice :D
Didn't like the "..." though. Maybe you couldn't made it a "she remained silent" or I dunno... it just seems manga-esque otherwise. So...
Anyway, this is very-well done, intriguing, and it looks like you actually put an effot on this. So congrats! And keep on writing.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 9/12/2013
from the Roadhouse
Alright so, just gonna get my con crit out of the way first - I only really had one, and it's a bit of a nitpick, so no biggie. I did not like the tactic you used to convey the girl's silence when Varou was trying to speak to her. Using the "..." method just felt tacky, almost comic-booky. I feel like you can *easily* convey silence by just not having her speak - just delete all of them. I mean, this is a novel right? So you can use your writing instead of relying on visual queues to describe something. You could even keep your paragraphs the same with Varou's speech, even, and I think it would just read better. OR your other option, which could actually work really well, is to just repeat one sentence - like you do with the "Drip." and maybe make the one sentence: "She says nothing." That would give us a tip of some trauma aspect too, since she's staying very private and keeping to herself. But yeah, overall - my only annoyance was when the story did that with her "dialogue" or well, lack thereof.
So anyway, that one-sided conversation aside, this was an excellent first chapter. I really loved how you set the tone of the whole jail with the vivid description, and I liked the repeated "Drip" as a tactic at the opening to break up all the sensory detail. It was a very nice technique and well executed as far as when you used the "Drip" word to break up your narrative.
At first when I was reading, I was wondering if the Varou character was going to be some guy that was going to bust her out of jail - which kind of would've negated such a vivid description you gave us (since we would've left it so quickly), but I was really pleased to be caught off guard in that regard. You took this first chapter in a direction I wasn't expecting, and I really liked that about it.
Varou's dialogue - his dialect, was great. I'm really impressed and envious with the way you're writing his accent - it doesn't feel like it's cheap or that it's not consistent. I think it's a more advanced technique for writer's to use, and incredibly difficult to stay consistent with, so that was a huge draw. I know I've read some of your work in the past, but I think it was a really long time ago, so that was a highlight coming in and reading your work again. His dialogue also characterized him - we really get the sense that he's very rowdy due to his action and his speech, plus how frustrated he gets by the end, so you did a great job introducing him to the reader in a short amount of time. I feel like I got a very full picture of him, and a full picture of the jail, too.
Since the guards are also named - I thought you did a good job using them as minor characters that might have some sticking quality. Usually when I try to use minor characters, they end up dying too soon or I shove them out of the way too quickly, and I feel like you did a good job balancing them and showing their importance while also providing a sense that our MC might not be stuck in this jail for the entirety of the story.
Though I wasn't a fan of the "..." technique, I still thought the entire part where Varou is trying to engage the girl was great and I thought it escalated and was paced in a good manner. You did a good job reflecting the girl's anxieties about Varou in comparison with other jail mates she might've encountered since now. I really feel like you chose to start the novel at a good point, and I'm very curious to see where it might lead, since you already didn't go the route I was predicting with this first chapter. Also - of course curious about the scar on the girl's neck. The description of it was very vivid and emphasized, so I'm pretty sure that's going to come up as a big deal. Wondering if she's in for murder or what, great mystery there!
It's always nice to get a chance to read the first chapter of something before there's a lot of updates - I think I'll be doing my best to follow this project, it's intriguing so far! Good luck as you write the rest, I await your second chapter!
| TanteLiz chapter 1 . 9/8/2013
Nice. You've drawn a vivid picture here, and I'd like to see where you go. If you're interested in some editing help (just to smooth out some of the wording), let me now
| ArcadianCrown chapter 1 . 9/6/2013
Well this was an amazing opening. Strangely gripping without being obvious or melodramatic. Your main lead, the mute girl, is instantly interesting without being a caricature. Her focus of the dripping was well written and a slow but well-planned opening that helped establish the mind-numbing quality of her scenario. Your description was never over the top or in bulk, but what you had flowed well and was pleasant to read. I especially like your description of the guards.
"Her" scar is an excellent hook, along with her imprisonment and current appearance as a mute. Her interactions with others, and others with both her and her scar, were very naturalistic and well done, building intrigue without seeming ridiculous. You did the behaviour of people extremely well, with the newest prisoner being the only one who irritated me slightly, but I understand that that is his character.
Our main lead is also oddly likeable, someone we can be interested in who is able to keep calm enough when confronted by raging prisoners and who seems to be on good terms with the guards, a relationship I thought was epsecially sweet. Overall, it was a very intriguing and well written opening, although I caught a few potential edits:
"A scratchy, soiled blanket whose" Since the blanket is an object I felt that whose isn't really the right word.
"And at his greying temples," you started a sentence here with and, which made it oddly jarring. You could have cut it completely, or kept this joined to the previous sentence, up to you, but starting the sentence with and sounded curious.
"lifting a dark brow to emphasis the question" emphasis should have an e on the end I believe to make it emphasise.
"another remained empty, separated them." separating instead of separated.
Good luck with the rest and wonderful opening :)
| This Guy Again chapter 1 . 7/1/2013
Hello from the roadhouse! I thought I repaid all the reviews I owed but it turned out I'd forgotten yours, so sorry it took so long!
[Water too dripped down from the window, making the uneven stone walls slick with moisture, which caught the torchlight from the other end of the room.] the "which caught the torchlight from the other end of the room" seems a little plain here. It might work really well to use one of the senses, for example. "making the uneven stone walls slick with moisture, glistening as they caught the flickering torchlight from the other end of the room."
[And at his greying temples, a vein pulsed with strain as did the rest of his gruff face while he struggled to pull in another man] I'd be very picky about starting a sentence with 'and' outside of dialogue. A lot of people still look down on it, and it can detract from the flow a bit. In this case it might be best to start the sentence: 'At his greying temples'.
Aside from those I didn't spot any errors :)
It's an interesting start to a story. It left me very curious as to why she was in jail, why the guards seemed sympathetic to her and why she doesn't speak. I wonder if she's a mute? That would make for an interesting story. I liked Varou's dialect, it goes a long way to help the reader visualise the characters more :)
- from the roadhouse
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 6/28/2013
Labyrinth Review Tag.
[It echoed, bounced off the chipped stone, moss-covered walls] I’m not sure if the echo is bouncing off the stone or the “it” is. If it’s the latter, I’m a bit skeptical that anything can bounce off moss.
I think you handle the setting really well. I feel like I really got a good sense of the space in her cell. And how you keep on mentioning the wall made it seem extra claustrophobic.
[the two trying to handle the 'struggling' man] I’m not sure why “struggling” is in quotes because the guy is struggling, is he not?
[She gave a start at his sudden explosive behavior, violently shaking the bars, kicking them, heel of his palms slamming into them. He yelled, guttural and voice wrenching, sounding his intense frustration.] Writing wise, I think, by introducing Varou’s violently explosive behavior with how the woman gives a start, the explosiveness kinda gets muted. I wonder if the writing would be more effective if you begin the paragraph with the second sentence instead.
Also, as far as sentence structure goes, I’m pretty sure that the violent shaking etc would be attributed to the woman the way it’s written right now, since she is the subject of the sentence. Maybe if you add a pronoun somewhere, you can shift the subject of the sentence to Varou so that the sentence won’t read as awkwardly. For instance: “…behavior, his violently shaking the bars, his kicking, heel of his palms slamming into them.” Something like that.
Intriguing opening. I think my favorite part of this is definitely Varou’s dialect. I can totally hear his rough accent. I think the insults he throws at the guards were really colorful and interesting.
As far your main character. Hmm… I can definitely get a sense of the mystery surrounding her. The first time when your story threw me for a loop was when one of the guards starts mouthing “alright” to her. That was a nice surprise to see that at least one of them cares for her at least a little bit—which makes the question of why she’s in there in the first place all the more intriguing.
The other part that struck me was how she didn’t say anything to Varou whether he was playing nice guy or bad guy. If I were Varou and there’s this chick not speaking and just staring at me, I’d feel creeped out too. My first thought about this was that she might be mute. But then you mention how she’s called the cell her home for years, so I can also see how she might be so traumatized that she can’t speak.
Thanks for the read!
| RedRobot chapter 1 . 6/23/2013
Hey from Roadhouse!
This beginning was really interesting. The main character's lack of verbal communication just makes her actions all the more intriguing. It makes me wonder if it's because she refuses to speak or can't. I loved the way she treated Varou as a loud unwanted guest without having to say anything.
Any negatives I could say have already been mentioned and I think the rating is fine unless further chapters include a lot of violence or intimate situations. Can't wait to see what you come up with!
| Mistval chapter 1 . 6/21/2013
I really like all of the description in this. It's very complete and well done and I always felt like I had a good picture of what was going on. I think you also nailed Varou's lower-class accent.
Of course I'm very curious about why this girl is down there, why she "for the first time in a long time" wishes she weren't stuck in a dank cell. And what really surprised me is that she seems to be on good terms with Anello and Ganelon. I wonder how that came to be, since they appear to be her jailors. Clearly this is not the typical prisoner situation and I am very curious to know what is going on. I guess we shall see!
I think T is ok for heavy language.
A few suggestions:
"pushed the struggler through the threshold." should probably be "pushed the struggler across the threshold."
"He stood after a few moments passed" generally I would expect to read "He stood after a few moments had passed"
"Of course there were those who let their anger be known, never in this way" I think there's a "but" missing in there