Reviews for United
John Spangler chapter 126 . 9/3/2015
I just wanted to say that I've read the whole series and I've loved it. It's the best sci fi story I've seen on this site. Thanks for having written it. I really look forward to read the next books of the series.
LightningBolt21 chapter 3 . 3/22/2014
Question. Why do you but the date on every chapter? I don't mind it, I was just wondering.

Your opening seemed a bit long, but that might be due to the lack of periods so, to me it seems to drag on. But that might be my personal preference.

This chapter seemed to do a lot more explaining what is going on, than dialogue. But I did find the "Etruscans" interesting and so, some of the council members can talk with their minds? Did I miss something, what are "U.M planets" And why would the queen want to stop testing? Is it common for people to have telepathic? Sorry if I'm bombing you with a ton of questions, but this chapter just left me with a lot. The story seems to be getting to a short start, but I feel like you need it to be like this. You can't just jump into action with this story.

It seems that Lydia Diamond is rather popular, can't wait to see what happens next.
LightningBolt21 chapter 2 . 3/22/2014
Sorry this took so long, didn't get in last night until 11pm.

This was a shorter chapter than the first one, which I think was a nice change of pace. Sometimes you just need a short chapter every once in a while.

Once again, awesome names {Qi-Guang, Xi-Xiang} sounds kind of Chinese. But I love Kana (one of my favorite names is Kiana)

{He'd had too late a breakfast} I always thought that {he'd} was a shortened version of {he had} I might be wrong, but I saw that and it didn't look right.

{woman on the console screen came,} I might suggest changing "came" to "said" {the woman on the console screen said,} Came seems like an odd word to use.

{"Could we not bring Dad into this right now?"} I suggest adding "my" {"Could we not bring my dad/father into this right now?"} When you didn't use my, to me it meant that they shared the same father, that they were siblings rather than cousins.

I loved the interaction between Kana and Gorren. They seem to have a nice relationship, I love the "History will weep for him." And the names, "sweetpea" and "pigeon" Once again, another great chapter. I'm really liking this story so far, I've mostly read fantasy and instead of Sci-Fi, so this is a great change.

Also, I enjoyed how you described Lydia in this chapter, {sun-burned gold and honey-colored hair} Some people describe their characters TOO much, but you seem to be extermly well at showing the readers rather than just listing things.

Can't wait for chapter 3!
LightningBolt21 chapter 1 . 3/20/2014
The intro was interesting, never read a story with the intro like you have, which is good. It was a kind of hard to follow, but I liked it, so I don't mind it. I thought that the "ping-ping-ping" was an neat thing, most would say "the shuttle kept beeping"

I really enjoyed the names you had, some were classic "Harriet, Lydia" a nice change from the typical names that are over-used or outrageous. But then you have names likes "Lakshmi" which sounds a bit odd but it works.

I take it Lydia to be the main character. I like her, although I didn't really get to know her a lot, just that she was getting on the shuttle, saw a gorgeous guy in the hopper mall and that she has a friend named Harriet. Hopefully, I'll learn more about her in future chapters.

This chapter was kind of long, but not to long to be a challenge to read.

I have to admit, I'm not certain where this story is going but maybe that's a good thing, not to give too much away. I'm sorry that I can't give any edit or grammar advice since I didn't see any. It's clear that you are a skilled writer and have been doing it for a while now. I do have to ask, why so many chapters in one story? Why not split them up? Just wondering.
bullmoose chapter 126 . 3/6/2014
Feedback ?
You want feedback ?
After your promise that this was complete ?
The hours investeted in reading this, should indicate that some feedback was due.

Cheated ! that is how your readers now feel !
You just left them hanging
Most writers are honest when they say their story is complete.
Please respond as to what is the problem.
bullmoose chapter 37 . 3/4/2014
Love it !
Keep it up...
Thanks,
SuitedManatee chapter 126 . 11/8/2013
Okay, sooo, I don't often do reviews because I'm not very good at breaking down what I actually think is good in a story and all I can ever seem to come up with is "omg this story is so good". But, that said-
OMG THIS STORY IS SO GOOOD!
Most of all, I'm impressed with the amount of time and planning that must have gone into building the world and all the history, it really brings everything to life.
Really looking forward to the second part, hope to see more soon :)
Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 9/16/2013
Okay, feedback.

Intro feels a little week. The wording is all fine, and it doesn't need to be a shotgun-start, but 'ping' as a word without context isn't terribly evocative. It would work totally fine as a movie opening, where we could actually experience the specific quality of the sound, but in prose it doesn't do much to usher the reader into the scene. Even just something like 'the tramway chimed in steady monotone: ping...ping...ping' might do a better job of inviting the reader in.

I like all the brand design a lot, although I feel like it's the only real handle I have on understanding the setting right now.

Nothing else is particularly grabbing in a positive or negative way. This seems like a solid start to a story, and is obviously part of a work that picked up a lot of momentum as it went, so keep on doing whatever it is that led you to getting so far with it. :)
TERClamore chapter 60 . 8/14/2013
Amazing story thus far, can't wait to see what happens next
Lolitroy chapter 6 . 8/11/2013
Whoa, nice world building you did here.
...Lydia's just so... Lydia -w-'

This story deserves a lot more attention. Too bad FP doesn't put M stories in the sections at all :S so unfair.
Lolitroy chapter 5 . 8/11/2013
And so they meet. And in a rather interesting way.
Gorren and his thoughts -w-'

Nice to see he's already thinking of that kinds of stuff haha -w-'

BTW I would like to see some descriptions. Maybe they're there, most likely they are and I didn't notice, but if there aren't I would really like to see what they look like ;)
Lolitroy chapter 4 . 8/11/2013
I like character voices in here. There's no need to describe them otherwise as they speak for themselves. Good job!
Lolitroy chapter 3 . 8/11/2013
Wow, it is true there are a lot of characters...
...the pacing is a little slow. But with a story like this everything needs to have it's own time, right?

P.S. Just noted the date is two days after my birthday! Yay! Uhurm.
Lolitroy chapter 2 . 8/11/2013
"History will weep for him,"- now that line is awesome.

My reviews will get shorter from now on since, you know, I won't have the patience to give long insightful reviews of every chapter O_O"

But yeah, nice introcution to the new characters, I liked them. Especially Gorren. Looking forward to see how they meet with the others ;)
Lolitroy chapter 1 . 8/11/2013
Whoa, just saw the length and... you definitely deserve a prize. Not anyone can upload so much in such little time, so just... congratulations.

Things seem interesting so far ;) will be following to read some other time.
I like Lydia. She seems interesting so far.
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