|Reviews for The City and the Forest|
| Neyr Death chapter 2 . 11/2/2014
Very intriguing from the start. I always love a story that starts with a chase, only to reveal something bigger.
"he considered the family member's that he'd miss" - I don't think members needs an apostrophe, that makes it possessive when, I think, you meant for it to be plural.
Only downside is that there's no chapter 3. When is that gonna come out? Now I want to know what happens within the wall, outside the wall, and the swarming. WHAT IS THE SWARMING? I need to know.
I really like the airships. I think this is a sci-fi idea that could, and should be used more often.
| Sya Rael chapter 1 . 5/4/2014
I love this first chapter. I am not one to really be interested in a story unless it has romance. Then there's also the fact that I rather read a story from a female's point of view. However, your use of complex and descriptive words made me feel what your character was feeling. When he was running and he fell, I was like what are you waiting for?! Get up already! Lol, I just kept on reading each words, worried as to what would happen next. I am interested in this city your story mentioned. Do you really mean he can't enter the city because he committed a sin or is there another meaning to the phrase you used? I got to say when I found your story on the Roadhouse I was unsure of it at first, because of the reasons I gave you, but now I cannot wait for an update!
P.s the creature that chased him, I am unsure and interested as to what it was.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 8/25/2013
Interesting start. You do a good job of building up a lot of things for the reader to think about, and give a lot of hooks to make us want to keep reading, especially concerning the city and why Snow is outside when others aren’t. Like other readers have said though, sometimes you use words that are redundant or feel too over the top, and it can detract from the story.
Tend to use ‘and’ a lot, when you could split the sentences or use commas instead. [gradually realizeded that the lump] Typo – spellcheck would pick that up, so just make sure you use it before uploading a chapter. [which stopped them from moving at least] Things like which and then can slow the pace down, and are often redundant. ‘Then’ can often just be dropped and the sentence will still make sense. With this, I would suggest maybe (stopping them from moving.) [Then slowly, reluctantly he turned to look into the forest,] You could drop the ‘then’ and ‘slowly’ here, just have ‘Reluctantly he turned to look into the forest’. Shortens the sentence and means you’re not telling us the same thing with slowly and reluctantly. Good luck.
| riverstardust chapter 1 . 6/22/2013
Hi there Mistval! Ive read the first chapter and its really quite an interesting start. Now for the nitpicking:
shadowfiend, the first alphabet could be capitalized to show it is something out of the ordinary. Shadowfiend.
"crashing painfully into the the forest floor."
Change into to on. Im not sure but I dont think you can crash into a floor. Show seems to be crashing into many things, doesnt he? Like the wall.
Personally, I enjoyed the way your story began! It was fast paced and fun, and prologues usually only give you a taste of what the characters are like, so i think you did that part well!
Your words, however, do not flow too well. There is such a thing as over flowery writing, so you might wanna cut down on the words.
For example: "One foot caught something and he went down hard, crashing painfully into the the forest floor."
you already told us that he went down hard, so you can eliminate adding in painfully. Also, try not to TELL us(like by using painfully). Instead, SHOW us.
And sometimes, using falling instead of crashing can help make the story sound better. Heres the wise words of C. :
"Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say ‘infinitely’ when you mean ‘very’; otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite."
— C.S. Lewis
Other than that, DO KEEP WRITING! This story sounds like real fun and id love to know what happens in the future! Good luck!
| deadaccount2019 chapter 1 . 6/21/2013
Greetings from the Roadhouse! :)
I find mechanically the writing can be distracting from the story. Sentence structure needs work throughout the chapter. Some of the vocabulary feels like it was picked out of a thesaurus to make the writing sound sophisticated (cacophony, for example), however it sounds unnatural and badly detracts from the flow of the story. There are also some points where phrases are needlessly redundant. ("he went down hard, crashing painfully " as an example).
Characterization, I'm iffy about. What has been written so far has my spidey senses tingling in terms of cliches/Marty Stus. Granted it's only the first chapter, so plenty of time to recover, but I thought it might be good to point it out.
In terms of the story concept, I really like the idea, and if not for the mechanical aspect, this chapter would be an amazing hook. I don't usually like a complete adrenaline rush in the first chapter, especially when some background isn't presented, however I found myself really enjoying it with this story. I really look forward to learning about the setting, both in the city and out in the forest.
| Sombrette chapter 1 . 6/21/2013
Hey, from Roadhouse :)
I really liked the way you started this out. Right away I'm wondering who Snow is and why he's being chased by this 'fiend'. I'm curious about the world this is set up in. They have guns and weird creatures, so not your typical world I'm assuming.
You have very nice use of description in that, I felt it was really easy to follow along with this chase scene. There was a good amount of sensory detail that made it so I could picture what was happening. I particularly thought the description around this Bluish gate to be done well. I like that part best. So from what I'm taking from this is, Snow is wondering this forest because of some 'sin' he's committed? Or, the people 'inside' this gate haven't committed any sin and therefore are free from being subjected to this dangerous forest.
I'd be really interested to see where this goes. What's in the city, what type of world setting this is, what it takes to get inside the city, who Snow is and what he's done. He seems youngish, just based off his thought process. Or has a youthful personality, dunno I can't really say yet. Nice start, I look forward to seeing more!