For the RG EF

Right, so as far as I can tell, the goal of this chapter is to show that Erin is coming to be accepted by Kyle’s team/friends as ‘his’. I like how Erin holds her own in the verbal sparring, particularly with Telson. Incidentally, if I met Telson in real life, I won’t like him much – he just rubs me the wrong way somehow. I’m less excited that there is more speculation about Erin’s past – it must be something really significant, because otherwise it suggests that Kyle is falling for her partly out of curiosity about her murky past. ;p

Anyway, Erin is less petulant now. Maybe she’s finally starting to feel comfortable with Kyle. A small detail: you have repeated the description of Erin’s fingers as calloused a few times, and I wonder: if she doesn’t play much ball (she’s just coaching, right?) then why is she bearing the signs of a long-term player?

Cute! I like Tara. Once again reminds me of my sister. But she talks a little more :P

I appreciate how all the attention doesn't make Kyle arrogant or a hotshot, and how he's always ready with a smile. His simple pleasure in seeing Tara smile makes him seem like a more lovable character, and I can picture him as being a really nice guy. Great job on your characters, by the way. There's a few too many players to keep straight, but I love them all anyway :)

This is really, really good so far. I'm sorry my reviews suck, I'm just not very good at in-depth ones :S I have to go now but I hope I can read more soon, probably be faster if I got some reviews returned (hint hint)?

-Cap

[Erin is pushed out of Kyle's mind] Has he really been thinking a lot about her before? I didn't notice ...

Hmm, I like how the team's trying so hard to push them together, but I think a bit more mention of how they have done this is the past as well might help. I just keep thinking that it all seems so sudden, and for no real reason. But boys are boys, so maybe I'm wrong ;) Despite trying to write about them I don't really know anything about guys!

Great ending! And great chapter :) This is a really good story, for real. I can't wait to go read more!

-Capri

Another great chapter! Does Erin mention before that she is a reporter, and I just missed it? If so I am sorry, but if not I think she should so it's not quite so out-of-the-blue. Then again, its probably just my dyslexia mixing me up here ;)

Do you speak Chinese? That part really has me interested. And on a side note, I thought it was great when Chen says he has no idea what they're saying xD my friend is Korean, but she was born in America, doesn't speak it, etc, etc. So she gets really annoyed when people ask if she "speaks Asian" LOL

-Cap

How do you say, "Tseng?"

Love the bantering between the guys! Its so real, especially the nicknames and such. I can totally picture them as being real college age guys playing baseball :) And, the description of Tseng Not knowing the right words is great too! Perfect balance of dialogue with action, something I don't see very often on this site.

Keep up the great work! This story's great!
PS Have you ever thought about chapter titles? I find they can help a lot.

-Cap

Love their conversation! I automatically think of my sister, who is twelve and plays softball, when Erin talks of her friend's daughter. I can't wait to hear more about Erin's secrets and what she's holding inside. All in all, very intriguing chapter! I liked Robert's enthusiasm, as well :)

This is a question of preference, but the present tense is bothering me a bit. Ah well, its just a style and I understand that ...

-Capri

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you :( I know it was uncalled-for. I'll try to be better at it in the future.

So, I chose this story because my entire family (except me) plays baseball, so I thought I'd be able to keep up with the sports-talk a bit better. So far it hasn't been a problem, and I hope you don't get really complicated in later chapters, because that'll really throw me off xD But lets cross that bridge when we come to it! The story's been great as of now.

The opening is really intense. I like it. The pace is just right and the chapter moves swiftly along, and it kept me reading. Good job! This is a very promising beginning.

I think you're missing some commas when it says [Hey Kyle] and [Alright Meghan] - should be commas after the introductory words. And also, [He replies tersely] should be "he" no capital. This is just very particular, but I also believe that ["Hi," she says no more] should be ["Hi." She says no more.] Sorry for bugging you with the little stuff. I'm a grammar Nazi :/

I like the introduction of Erin in the first chapter that doesn't seem out of place! And fantastic job so far. Keep it up!

Here is the second review our of the two I promised. I have enjoyed reading your story thus far. Over the course of two chapters I have seen quite a development in your characters. I especially like the mystery that surrounds Erin. She says she used to play, and I get a sense that she misses it. So why did she stop? I liked Kyle's interaction with her. Their conversation seems very natural. They're getting to know each other, instead of rushing into anything.

The story is moving at a good pace, not to rushed, but not dragged out either. I feel like we're still in the introduction stage, which is good. We're getting to know the setting and the characters. Keep up the great work.

Edit:

“Thanks for doing with us, Mr. Leweski,” I’m really sure what you’re trying to say here.

‘This is only strengthened when he turns and waits for her () when she stopped to run her fingers over a metal bat…’

“Those () ones are harder to work in in, but they last a while.”

Sorry about the wait. A very interesting first chapter. You've introduced your main character and a number of others that will most likely have importance later on in the story. I have never been really into sports so I don't understand all of the terms you use, but you have used your description to get around that. Even if I didn't understand every term, I could still see the game quite vividly through your description.

Kyle seems like a very humble character, not wasting his money on expensive things he doesn't need. His interaction with his new neighbour, Erin, is intentionally awkward, which really speaks for the personalities of the characters.

I didn't find any grammatical errors, so well done. You're off to a good start. I don't have a good feel for the story yet or where it's going so hopefully the next chapter will shed more light. Great work.

For the RG EF (make up review)
As I’ve mentioned before, I like the fact that you don’t emphasise how physically perfect the main characters are, and here you even point out that Erin is ordinary looking (‘plain’, even). That makes this romance one that takes place in the head, and that is so much stronger than a romance that takes place mainly through the eyes and the physical responses that sight triggers.
This chapter has a nice gentle pace and is light, entertaining reading, but well, it just feels too much like a filler, because I think that the getting to know Erin dialogue and musing about her past could have been condensed into the previous chapter. Maybe I’m just impatient for things to move along.
One last thing: I don’t quite get the hidden meaning behind Kyle and Erin’s exchange with the ‘You already know’ and ‘I honestly don’t know’, even though I read it three times. I must be missing something.

I speed-read through this chapter, but I really enjoyed the writing here - definitely light and easy to get through. I just think that present tense works well for you, because it captures the tone of your stories well (and it just seems more immediate).

Anyhow, I liked the developments in this chapter: Tara's gift was cute, and made me smile. I also enjoyed how you used that scene to shed some light into her backstory. I find it interesting that she lives with Tara, because of her interest in sport. I also l liked how this scene fleshed out Erin more.

And yes, I liked how Erin seemed more human in this chapter - you described her reactions very well, thus making her more relatable. I liked that; it made me appreciate Erin more, deffo. I thought the scene where she confided in him that she was glad Tara's parents were coming was kind of nice - it established that she trusts Kyle.

I also liked the last scene, because it was entertaining to read. Kyle's friends are kind of scary, but in a non-threatening way :D

Writing: You know reading this made me realise how light your style can be, and I'm so much more confused by the heaviness of 'Across the Ice' (which really, really is sometimes oppressive in its detail). I think the only issue is that the writing sometimes seems a bit erratic, and it can get difficult for tired readers to catch on, but that's probably more the readers' respective faults than yours. But overall, I like the lighter approach here: it makes for easier reading, and really reduces this intimidating feel. I especially like your small, yet clever details. But really, your details are some of my favourite things about your writing style in general - especially in this chapter.

Pacing: As I said, because I'm tired, the chapter seems erratic in pace. Maybe it's just that there's relatively little transition it seems, or my tiredness, but it I felt like things were flung towards my direction. I don't want to tell you to slow down though, as it would create that heavy style in in AtF that I kind of have reservations about. Maybe you could break up your scenes? Or I shouldn't read this stuff when I'm tired ._.

Dialogue: Another of your strengths, I think. What I like about the dialogue in this chapter is that it sounds natural and each character has their own voice. You really manage to capture this light-hearted atmosphere and your dialogue sounds playful, alive. My only issue that - and it ties with the pacing - that there seemed too many people talking in this chapter all over the place. It kind of made this chapter feel erratic, I guess? Not sure how helpful this observation is, but I'm just trying to be helpful :3

Relationships: I do like the close feel of this community. I've said so often, but your characters interact naturally, and I enjoy seeing the camaraderie. I know this is a romance, but eh, it's nice to see you focus so much on teamwork and friendship too, because those things shouldn't be ignored :3 I also like the banter between all of those characters :3 It's fun to read about!

For the Labyrinth exchange #160, no. 3 of 3
The list of characters in the previous chapter is very useful; it can get a little tiring having to go back and check on who’s who with the huge cast you’ve been building up. I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m not very much in favour of having many characters who don’t really have large roles and yet take up a lot of brainpower to keep track of. When it’s a long-running saga like the Game of Thrones, it doesn’t matter so much because the characters recur often and are fully developed each with their own back stories; the visual cues also helps to fix them in one’s head. But when it’s a purely print story and everything is in one’s head so to speak, it can become a bit much.

Another interesting point about BTF is that you don’t dwell as much on the physical attraction between the two leads (ie not so much of staring into each other’s eyes, accidental hand touching, that kind of thing) as you do on the emotional aspects (Kyle coming to admire Erin’s guts and getting defensive on her behalf). That is quite a refreshing change from the usual can’t-keep-their-hands-off-each-other scenario that abounds in romance tales. In fact, the entire relationship is remarkably low-key, sometimes even taking a back seat to the baseball action.

I’m not sure what the significance of Opening Day is, or what adjustments you intend to make. Did you mean adjustments in what you’ve already put up, or in the chapters to come? If the latter, then I can understand why you need four more chapters to do it in, otherwise I wonder why it’s necessary to wait until chapter 19 for Opening Day.

For the Labyrinth exchange #160, no. 2 of 3

I forgot to mention in the previous chapter, it’s interesting that you have many characters of Asian (well, specifically, Chinese) origins. It reflects the make-up of society, I suppose. As it is, it doesn’t seem to matter whatever name or physical description the characters have, because they all behave and speak in a general American manner. I’m not sure how accurate the description of the lifestyle of a typical professional athlete is (everything seems very comfy, no struggling to make ends meet stuff) but then you’re not necessarily going for authenticity!

From the description in this chapter, Erin looks to be a formidable player, which raises again the question of why she quit the game. That’s a nice touch, having her prove through action what has been rumoured about her by others. I’m sure that skill on the ballfield will add even more to her allure in Kyle’s eyes.

Finally, a tiny gripe: I can’t help hoping that something will happen soon apart from many many games of baseball. I get rather a lot of comments on how things don’t seem to move much in the first few chapters of JAT, so it can be said that I have a high tolerance for slow-moving plots, but I just wish that the Kyle-Erin relationship will advance just a little more from where it is now.

Hmmm, I did like the beginning with Kyle watching the game from the tv because even though it was from perspective there was se solid writing in describing the flowing action of the game that helped to paint a vivid picture of what was happening. his analytical breakdown of the game and players also spoke volumes on his character as he comes across as a cerebral player who doesn't leave much to chance.

The ending I felt was rushed and anticlimactic with how it just stops and the introduction of Erin could have been more fleshed out, because believe it or not we tend to pay less attention to he quite reserved ones in a reality just as would in a story and there just wasn't anything worthwhile in her intro to make me care, though it was only the first chapter