I will be honest with you - since team sports is really not my area, I often feel like skimming those 'action-packed' paragraphs. Of course, I read through them, and I like how simply phrased and visual they are, but they go over my head. So I can't really tell you how good or bad they are, because it's not something that grips me terribly or - if I'm honest - I really care about. I kind of like basketball, but that's really it. Otherwise, I can't muster much emotion or even excitement for these things :/

HOWEVER, I do appreciate the simplicity of your style. You don't go over the top and don't waste too much time explaining things: long paragraphs would probably make me not want to read this story entirely, so I appreciate the clearness and like how I can still get what is going on even without really re-reading things. I like the little details and the attention you pay to body language: it makes the events more vivid, and hence also more graspable to me. I like that you don't waste too much time on introspection either, but only address little thoughts here and there when it's necessary - it makes them stand out more. I like how Kyle is paying attention to Erin - it's the little details that really show us more about her personality.

I like the dialogue. Sometimes I don't get it, but it seems fitting, and I really enjoyed the little banter between Kyle and Erin in this chapter. They seem like they're having fun, and it sounds natural. I also liked the conversation between Bryan and Kyle because it was plot relevant, and revealed more about Erin :3

Otherwise, I like the style for this story. I wasn't really in a frame of my mind to review tonight, but the pleasant quality of your style made it easy for me to read, and I quickly got into the story, without having to re-read or pause too much. Your tense inconsistencies are still present, but I find I can ignore them - I do have to mention them though for crit purposes XD. But yeah, overall, your style is pleasant :)

For the RG EF
I like your depiction of Tara. I think you've succeeded admirably in describing a 12 year old girl who's into sports, particularly in her dialogue - you got the exaggerated and sometimes overdramatic language right, and you manage to show her enthusiasm for the sport just through her words alone. I also like how you manage to insert a little of how Erin feels about the game and a hint at her own disillusionment, through her response to Tara's question. At the same time, you establish that Kyle and Erin essentially share the same perspective on playing and winning. Good job. For improvement, I suggest the following editing points: I think it should be REARVIEW mirror instead of review mirror / so it isn't (missing word?) and dramatic like /

For the RG EF

Is Erin Asian? I guess so, if her surname is Sun. I hadn't realised that based on her description alone. The 'Asian' element in your story intrigues me. I'd like to say well done on dropping the clues of the callused hand and buying baseball equipment in previous chapters, that boil down to the revelation from Tseng that Erin used to be a ball player herself.

You're not providing translations for the Chinese bits? I understood the exchange between Erin and Tseng, incidentally, and it's well, interesting. But I trust you have a reason not to divulge that to the non-Chinese-understanding readership. I suppose it doesn't really make a difference to the plot right now even if you don't, but well, some readers might be curious!

This chapter's pacing was much slower, mainly because of the amount of conversation. I think maybe if you condensed the conversation with Carrie, it would help to move things along, especially when there was already a breather in the previous chapter.

I'm kind of having mixed feelings on Jordan. On the one hand, I get that he's a bit of a goof and wants what he thinks is good for Kyle, but at the same time I can't help but wonder if his meddling is going to cause some friction, if not some bigger conflict between Kyle and Erin. I do feel he's a strong character, however, and I actually prefer his shenanigans over Carrie's prying.

Great movement/action this chapter. I love how you trail off with the blog during the texts, and then later in the conversation move Kyle on to the treadmill. The transitions here were smooth and imo were very natural. It reminded me a lot of my own movement between activities when I should be focusing on a conversation. XD

Tara's prattling was perfect. I could easily hear her rambling about her assumptions of Kyle, then moving on to the positions she can play, as well as when she starts up about the former coach. Kyle's silent amusement really played well into it, as well as Erin's little interventions, making the scene very well executed.

In terms of plot, I have to say this chapter fit in perfectly for introducing the 'family'. This chapter is definitely a breather, but it felt very much like the breather chapters one would find in a family-themed novel published by Harlequin. It opened up the gentler sides of both Kyle and Erin (Kyle does a great job imparting his wisdom with Tara), and also slowed to just the right pace to build up their potential beyond basic romantic chemistry.

For the RG EF

The romance aspect of the story isn’t very apparent in this chapter, but that’s not a problem – the plot has to advance after all. The description of the camaderie between the players is realistic and not too ‘macho’, which I like – you don’t get carried away with the manly horseplay and swearing. I hope Tseng isn’t going to turn into the comic relief, but for now his language barrier is given a sympathetic, not patronizing, portrayal, and that’s to your credit as well. For improvement, I’d like to suggest the following edits: he is slowly but (? Missing word) increasing / more OF a curve this time

I just realized that, for some reason, you only have 36 reviews? Is this a glitch or something? I don't normally leave reviews but I feel that this story needs a lot more attention than it deserves.

This story was beautifully written, and I especially love the epilogue - including the outtakes. And Kyle and Erin are undoubtedly so cute together. I wish the story was longer but at the same time, I felt that the pace was just right, so really all I can say is that it's well written and I hope to see more from you in the future (:

Hey!

Must admit, once more, that I know nothing about sports, so apologies in advance for idiocy. Um…I think maybe for people like me, the first part was a little too wordy, and it was easy to get a bit overwhelmed with the game? Maybe cut the paragraphs down to a couple of lines each, if possible? I think what this part is telling us is that the guy knows about the sport and is connected to it – I think you could still tell us this quite easily in a little less? Only saying because this is the first part people will see, and I think, from your summary, that you’re drawing romance readers as well as sports fans. Perhaps you should even start with Kyle to make it clear that this is on TV, so we’d perhaps be a little more grounded as readers.
‘since the old man who lived in it beforehand had moved out’ – tense change, nix the ‘had’/

‘Hi,” she says no more’ – I think new sentence for the ‘she says no more’?

Love the description of this girl - her calloused hands etc. I like how you show her nervousness without explicitly telling us about it. As with your last story, I can picture it all really well :).

‘She hadn’t been able to continue…’ I think this paragraph is a bit of an info dump? Like there doesn’t seem to be any real reason for him to think about this at the moment? I think this could maybe be explained more organically later on, e.g. if we meet his sister?

‘Kyle had never been that great’ – tense shift - has not had? And later on unsettles, not unsettled?

I like your characters here, particularly Erin. She seems mysterious and interesting, and I love how you hold her back a little, like she’s not all ‘this is me, this is what I’m like, love me, the end’. She’s a really nice little closed book, and I’m looking forward to finding more about her :).

This chapter had perhaps one of the most relatable moments so far in the story. Kyle wondering why people are worried about his relationships is definitely something that I think most single folks go through at some point or another. I think a lot of readers will like this moment, simply because it gives them a chance to really connect with Kyle.

Once again the language barrier is written quite nicely this chapter. I thought it was rather nice and balancing for Tseng to be out of his element this time (love the "expectable" line), which helps demonstrate that the difficulties of a barrier is a two-way street.

I love Tseng's little confession about helping the team fix Kyle up. It really made him endearing, but also showed that there is more to him than an awkward foreigner. I really hope he will remain a key player (forgive the pun) throughout the story, because he really gives things a touch of sweetness.

Been holding off on mentioning this again, but I'm finding that there's a lack of atmosphere throughout the piece. While It's certainly understandable to have fewer setting and sensory details in a character-driven story, I really think even adding little things such as smell, lighting, etc., would help make the story easier for the reader to really slip into.

A lot more mechanical stuff this chapter.

Grammatical: ["...nice to meet you Eric," it is as if...] A period at the end of the dialogue, and capitalize "it", as the dialogue and following sentence are separate from one another.
Paragraph: [...to clap Tseng on the shoulder. Tseng laughs, and gestures...] Tseng's action sentence should be separate from Erin's paragraph, and can be paired off with his own dialogue.
Wording: [...cuff-covered wrist and tugs her bodily out and under...] This would read more naturally if it was something along the lines of "and urges her out" or "guides her out".

I love how you handle the language barrier. You utilize the dialogue at just the right moments to enhance the limited-third perspective, and touch on Kyle's limited vocabulary at just the write moments to keep the reader in Kyle's frame of mind.

I really enjoy Tseng's character. He seems like such a sweetheart, and I thought giving him and Erin their own little safety bubble was a great way to establish a tentative connection between Erin and Kyle.

This chapter saw some development of Kyles more easygoing side. The timing is pretty good, imo, since the first two chapters were much more lowkey for him.

I found this chapter introduced too many names, and not really enough to differentiate their importance or roles. Limiting how many characters are identified in one go would really help to reduce some confusion and eliminate the overwhelming feel of trying to keep track of who is who.

I noticed it last chapter as well, but there are still some little mechanical things in needed some fixes. Some notables this chapter:

Tense issue: "Tseng nods and opened his mouth to say something," Should be "opens"
Typos: "From one infielder to and outfielder" Should "one" be "an"? "And" should definitely be "an".

The pacing this chapter felt much slower than the previous, and not necessarily for the better. The biggest detractor was the amount of dialogue midway through the chapter that didn't feel as though they lent to plot progression. Maybe condense this part to help keep things moving.

For the Review Game, Easy Fix

I started off with this story before and I'd rather continue reading this than start anew on something else.

I like how the romance is starting off (I assume that Erin is the love interest) as the beginning of friendship, because I sometimes have a problem with the male and female leads falling madly in love with each other by the second chapter. That's so much less believable than what is being depicted here - I believe that you have to know someone first to fall in love.

What I don't like so much is the continuing confusion in tenses. Like in the paragraph beginning 'Although Kyle ENJOYS working with...' which ends with 'Some teenagers HAD been able..." I'd rather you stick consistently to the present, to preserve the sense of immediacy.

.Erin's characterization is interesting. Kyle's thoughts foreshadow the revelation of some sort of injury, but the way she behaves suggests she was pushed out of baseball. Whether it was by shaming for some accident or failure, or perhaps some sort of conditioning from a relative or former lover (which seems like the more likely case), I'm intrigued to learn more about her.

I'm finding the pacing rather slow. I think the biggest contributing factor to this is the amount of detail that goes into the daily life aspect. I can't help but wonder if some attention to environmental or sensory details would help spice up the the narrative a bit.

I have to admit that I was disappointed with the change from the vall game to the facility. I'm not a baseball enthusiast by any means, but I was rather enjoying the opening, and then it just suddenly cuts off. The prediction on how the hit would play out wasn't nearly as exciting and left me feeling kind of cheated on the action.

Kyle has some solid character building this chapter. I think perhaps my favorite little tidbit was the thought of his mother insisting he always greet new neighbors, and the fact that the whole thing comes to him naturally, rather than by some form of guilt. I have to say that he reminds me a lot of some of the male leads in Harlequin romance novels.

Overall, the chapter had a day-in-the-life-of feel to it. It was a bit slow for my taste, but it does fit in with the genre, and I thought you did a good job using it to introduce Kyle and Erin to each other.

Similar opening to the other piece I read from you, where we're in the middle of a game of some sort - I can tell you love sports! This time though, I felt it was more clear that the outside narrator had language that wasn't so much 'sport announcer' as the last one, and I liked that. You transitioned from the TV to Kyle really well, and I liked how smooth that transition was. I could really see him watching the game and being engaged, and I also like how right away the opening shows us (instead of tells, for instance) how important the game is to him and how much he knows about it.

Erin was introduced in a fairly traditional way. If she's going to be our romantic hookup for Kyle, I look forward to seeing the ways in which you make their relationship unique. Though I feel that while their meeting wasn't all fireworks and was quite something ordinary, that works for this kind of setting and realistic world, plus, it showed us how awkward Kyle can be in front of someone new, which characterizes him, so overall I liked their interactions. I'm wondering how they might meet again - her not making a big impression on him is probably the unique part for me so far - definitely not love at first sight vibes, so it sounds like it will be a big adventure as the relationship develops, and I liked the ending for that reason!