I'm loving this so far!

Do you know how many chapters you're planning on writing?

I just read through this in one go because I just couldn't stop. I love it and I absolutely cannot wait for more!

Oh no! I think he should go to the softball fields at the school! It would make sense. This makes me so mad! Leave Erin alone! :P Stupid media! Can't wait to read more!

OH MY WORD! I love this story. It's just the perfect amount of cute and realistic! I can't wait for more about Erin's past to unfold and for the two love birds to get this show on the road. ;) Haha, can't wait to read more! Hope to see a new chapter alert in my email's inbox very very soon! Keep up the great work!

I got to say, I'm not the biggest baseball fan in the world, but I found enjoyment in reading this. I like how there is a decent mix between dialogue and 'action' if you will. I also like the budding romance you set up here. I plan on reading this at some point (Once I can find time DX)

From the summary this sounds like it is going to be sweet and eventful. :)

Hmm.. this doesn't really capture me as I am not a baseball fan, but I like the descriptions in the first paragraph. It's easy to picture what's happening, great job.

I think there is a pretty good mix of scenes and dialogue, I like that. I can picture the people talking to one another and deciding things.

I think this will be a good read for baseball romance fans. Could be a brilliant cute story. For the ending, I didn't find that it hooked me in to go to the next chapter. Neither did I find anything that made me too curious or want to continue, but I think it can still be a good read.

Their hint of romance is cute.

-Continue to write.

A nice start to the story. I don't know much about baseball being from Australia so I can't comment much on the baseball terminology. I think you do a good job of introducing the two main characters and giving a little bit of their personality and backstory while still leaving other questions unanswered. I felt like the tense of the story was a bit unusual? It sometimes feels like he is looking back from the future while speaking about the present. I am not sure.

A couple of small spelling/grammar things.
The first time he calls her Meghan and the second time it is Megan.

" with her oval face and hair hanging in a how ponytail thrown over her shoulder."
I am pretty sure 'how' shouldn't be there. Unless it is a hairstyle I have not heard of?

"He turns and fists his gear from the trunk of his car before making his way into his house"
Should that be fetches instead of fists?

"When Kyle pulls into the neighborhood, in front of his driveway, he is startled to see the "For Sale" sign gone from the front lawn of the pale yellow house across from his" I think you could remove 'in front of his driveway.' It sort of sounds like his own house is for sale.

With the final paragraph you could add in a reason why she lingers in his mind. From what you have written Erin comes across as very stand offish and private which is not really immediately endearing. Maybe something about her glasses as you mentioned them a couple of times as something that stood out about her. Something that makes her different or unique from everyone else.

Overall I think it is a nice, quiet beginning and would like to read some more. Hope that helps.

First of all, I love third person present—it gives everything an immediate, hazy quality, I think. So this is automatic adoration for your story. :D

[third baseman is ready, posture tense and ready to explode from his stance] the two “ready”s so close together make the sentence read a little awkwardly.

[It was a disappointment, for doing so well during the season, but unable to capitalize in the end.] This sentence also read a little awkwardly, to me. Maybe the sentence would flow better if you added the subject, “the team,” or make the tenses parallel, (ie. “to do so well during the season, but be unable to capitalize…”) Also, even though you’re talking about the past, I think you could still pull off most of the paragraph in present tense. For instance “the man on the couch mused” should definitely be “muses”

[Spring training was only a month] tense

[He enjoyed working with kids, and as long as it promoted the sport, he was happy with it.] tense

[it was a small, quaint neighborhood] tense

[but someone else had other ideas] not sure about this one— maybe “has had”?

[Kyle remembered] tense

["Sorry, my manners are terrible. I'm Kyle. I live across the street," he thrusts his hand out in front of him for her to shake.] Since thrusting his hand isn’t a speaker tag, the comma should be a period. This happened at other times in the dialogue also.

[the fingers of her right hand were slightly callused where they gripped his much larger hand] tense

[briefly reminds him of a pitcher warily watching a runner at first base from his peripheral vision.] I like this a lot! It’s really great imagery and fits perfectly with the baseball theme.

Cool opening! The combination of Erin and Kyle and the writing style gives this piece a delicate, tentative feel, in my opinion. It’s lovely.

Going back to the beginning of the chapter, I definitely felt like the baseball playing part had a quicker tempo than the part where Erin and Kyle talk, so whatever technique you’re using, it’s working.

Character wise, I feel like Kyle has a big heart, but because he’s a quiet man and wearied by paparazzi, he’s very different from the type of action hero that fans might expect baseball stars to be. I like that you keep Erin’s character consistently flighty, so I think she’s either naturally kind of awkward, or there’s a story behind that.

I like the ending. "Chirp" is a very interesting word choice.

Interesting start with this.

I liked the character building aspects in this. I think Kyle is a strong and likable character. I enjoyed all of the backstory about how and why he wants to excel at sports and I think its interesting how you played into his upbringing when he helped his new neighbor out. I would say overall that this is more of a character development chapter rather than a clear indicator of plot. At this point I'm not sure if this will be a sport/action themed story or a romance, or a nostalgic look at the past, it could go either way, and I like that.

Some of the sports lingo at the beginning was hard for me to grapple with. I don't know anything about baseball and who was going what and why was hard for me to follow all the time. I think my only critique - as someone who knows next to nothing about this sport - would be to smooth out those details a bit more. Maybe explain things more, and have Kyle more predominate in those moments to ease the business. Keep up the good work.

Much love,
Juliet.

Haven't really seen any sports stories here. This is kinda a surprise. For the first one I've seen, it's really well done. Love how you just jump right into the action and set the story. I'll be sure to keep up on this story

I enjoyed this opening chapter. Kyle is a well-drawn character, he seems like a decent and genuine bloke - I just hope for the sake of the rest of the story he reveals some flaws! I also liked how clearly you described the baseball in this piece, without overloading us with jargon - so for a Brit like me I could read the story in its own right.

I thought the choice of present tense was interesting. To me, it didn't feel like it added much to the story, except in the description of the game. Present tense in 3rd person conveys action, immediacy, excitement, and the rest of the story proceeded at a leisurely pace for which it seemed inappropriate. I also found the end of the chapter, with the dialing of his sister's number to be a bit weak, a damp squib of an ending, after we've met this mysterious woman.

Otherwise good story.

This is a great story :) My husband is obsessed with baseball (Mariners fan haha) and we play after work every week so this story is very fitting. How do you know all of the "behind the scenes" stuff in the life of a baseball player? That's pretty cool :) Keep up the good work!

Good progress. Liked the story so far. Keep updating. :)