|Reviews for Daughter of a God, Love of a Vampire|
| shipperoftheships67 chapter 1 . 7/5/2013
Guys, I know that there are plenty of mistakes in this story, as I'm sure you have noticed, but you must know that I wrote this bit when I was 14. Give me some credit. I'm sorry for the mistakes. I will fix them as soon as I get a chance. Although the criticism is welcome, but please don't judge too harshly just yet. I just thought it would be nice to get this story started on here.
| wayinthegalaxy chapter 1 . 7/5/2013
That day started like any other day for Ravie Ravenwood. She met up with her boyfriend, the amazing mysterious Nick Telford. She couldn't believe he'd finally noticed her. About three years ago, he moved to Huntington, West Virginia. They were both in the eighth grade at Enslow Middle School, home of the Bulldogs.
See, there is no jonction between these sentences. I could as well write: I bought a boat yesterday. Steelers won the superbowl. I bought a new iPhone at the apple store. Ten thousands storms raged in my heart.
You can't just state facts like that. If something can be written as a list, it doesn't belong in a story. Here:
FACT 1: That day started like any other day for Ravie Ravenwood.
FACT 2: She met up with her boyfriend, the amazing mysterious Nick Telford.
FACT 3: She couldn't believe he'd finally noticed her.
FACT 4: About three years ago, he moved to Huntington, West Virginia.
FACT 5: They were both in the eighth grade at Enslow Middle School, home of the Bulldogs.
A better way to write it (and I by no means say it's perfect) would have been:
It was a day like any other for Ravie Ravenwood: she had met with her boyfriend, the amazing and mysterious Nick Telford. Nick had moved to her town, Huntington, West Virginia, about three years ago. Currently, both he and Ravie were in eight grade at Enslow Middle School - also known as the home of the Bulldogs.
See what I'm trying to do? You have to narrate a bit if you want readers to follow.
There is more to it, of course, but you have to rework your entire text. It simply cannot pass as it is. Watch out for random capitalised letters as well.
Your story seems promising and sounds interesting. Lots, lots of mistakes. This could end up being a story. You have a talent for writing. Sorry if I was a bit rude.