|Reviews for Turbulent|
| MileyRowling chapter 32 . 8/10/2015
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 32 . 8/6/2015
The end! I really liked how the epilogue kind of summed everything up!
| MileyRowling chapter 31 . 4/15/2015
Great work! I really liked it!
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 31 . 4/10/2015
Great work! A lot of things happened in this chapter!
| LDF chapter 2 . 2/26/2015
[the spooked animal]
Be as descriptive as possible. You use deer later on, so I’m not sure why it’s a mystery here.
[I rummaged around in my pack and took out a sword that I had somehow managed to stuff in there earlier that morning.]
Yeah, no. I find it hard to believe that she managed to injure the deer with a knife, since that’s a very close-range weapon and requires her to be really close for her to do any kind of damage. A spear is more realistic and a lot easier to make. Just take a stick and sharpen the end with a rock. But then a sword is introduced, and that’s just ridiculous. You don’t hunt with a sword. A sword also doesn’t conveniently fit side a bag and is also not going to be lying around for her to pick up.
[He couldn't have been much older than me and that sickened me. He was probably taken as a boy, sent away to a training facility and his brain rewired. He didn't know a different life. All of his childhood memories from before training would have been swapped. Had he not been a Mutineer, he would have been a pretty nice looking boy.]
Not necessarily swapped, but repressed. It seems that this kid is pretty much the equivalent of a child soldier, which is all kinds of tragic.
["I'm Private Cole Roberts," he said. I had almost forgotten he was there. I spun around and found him leaning on a tree.]
Really? During her thinking of nothing but who he could’ve been and how nice he supposedly might’ve looked?
[I didn't trust any of the Mutineer's]
Don’t use apostrophes if the word isn’t showing possession. It’s Mutineers, not Mutineer’s.
[My eyes followed his finger as he pointed to the east; a billow of smoke was rising up into the air.]
Make sure to use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
The economics in this story are also really weird. So apparently not everyone has electricity in their house, but somewhere people are rich enough to afford dyes for their hair? Two kids show up with a Mohawk and different colors, and another has purple hair.
| LDF chapter 1 . 2/26/2015
[This story has not been proofread yet. I wanted to post it to see what people thought. Please, then, do not comment on the grammar and spelling, but rather on what I can do to improve the overall story.]
This isn’t an excuse. Writing shouldn’t be a race. Take the extra time to proofread before you post.
[That's whenever I saw a man have his head cut off. It hadn't been a man who had killed that person, either, but a teenage boy. That was what happened whenever the government was overthrown.]
This was a little hard to follow. Is the narrator saying that the standard procedure to a beheading is to hide? Is the narrator saying that for each time a government is overthrown, a teenage boy beheads someone?
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 30 . 2/25/2015
I think that the next chapter is going to be ...
| DanjoBear chapter 1 . 2/25/2015
| MileyRowling chapter 30 . 2/25/2015
| Guest chapter 29 . 2/20/2015
I for one did not see that ending coming. I had to go back and re-read it. Are they really dead? I really don't like cliffhangers, but they do keep the reader coming back for more.
| MileyRowling chapter 29 . 2/18/2015
I did not see that ending coming! Great work!
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 29 . 2/18/2015
So, is he dead? I really liked the last couple of lines, they were really kind of deep. I did not see the ending of this chapter coming! Great work!
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 28 . 2/2/2015
Gasp! I really do feel bad for her, but I hope nothing bad happens.
| MileyRowling chapter 28 . 2/2/2015
| MileyRowling chapter 27 . 1/26/2015