|Reviews for Chaos Theory|
| handna95 chapter 1 . 8/22/2013
"Engineers and scientist whisked back and fourth across the split level infrastructure and scientific instruments like busied worker bees, monitors radiated all manner of data, nodes bleeped and clipped, and in the midst of it all the Chronotron emitted an incessant huuuuum that seemed to seethe the air itself, the sound of time being manipulated." [This is a gigantic sentence. You might want to separate it into multiple sentences because as it is, it's a lot for the reader to take in at once]
"One of the scientist[s],"
" "[Capital] while the safety and preservation of the past are of "
"Don't make me regret this [comma] baby[period]"
"much younger suns light" [Sun's - possessive]
" "Hey, [space] hey! "
"finger in the trigger guard -[Period]"
Ok! With that out of the way, let's get started with this review. It's a totally cool concept of going back in time to study dinosaurs. One of those ideas that I NEVER would have thought of myself. Very, very unique.
Your characters are interesting as well. Les seems like the typical alpha male that doesn't care about the consequences his actions have. It's a little surprising because Regina seems like a reasonable girl, that cares about stuff other than herself. As for the doctor and the rest of the crew, I didn't really get a good view into who they are and what they're about. The doctor seems very typical, we must not disturb the specimen. I like that view because it shows that he cares about the world, but I don't know anything about him other than that. The two other crew mates, you barely mention them as well. I'd like to know their views and quirks.
The end of the chapter was good too. When I think of T-Rexs, I always think of the quote, "I have a big head, and little arms!" Cracks me up every single time. You create a sense of suspense because you don't immediately know what type of animal is going to go after the crew. You could even make up a cool animal because no one REALLY knows what animals were living back in that time. Their bones might have been directly smashed by the meteorite. I know that's not very sciencey, but that'd be a cool twist haha. Anyways, I like what you have a lot. Keep it up!
| LunarSolar chapter 2 . 8/11/2013
Love the action with the Tyranosaur. Do you think they could really use those tiny front appendages? And I applaud the vivid depiction of what would inevitably go horribly wrong as a result of messing with ancient history. The image at the end should make the reader think.
| LunarSolar chapter 1 . 8/11/2013
I like Dr Deutscher's character. He really gets to the heart of a matter, doesn't he? And I do like this genre, the age of the dinosaurs has a fascination for many. Just think that they would still rule the world if they hadn't received an apocalypse. This chapter leaves me wanting more. Brilliantly evocative description of the primordial swamps and forests.
Just one thing though, should Regina be allowed to punch people? I was never keen on characters acting like that.
| Vladvonbounce chapter 2 . 8/6/2013
Wow, did not see that coming. I like that you wrote a time travel story where everything does go wrong and can't be fixed. That's pretty original and definitely realistic. Although I am sad it was so short. You did a great job of describing the , juxtaposing between the facts and the feeling of actually seeing one eating your friends.
I felt like the flashback with the puppy was not really needed, considering the story was going for more of a short and punchy approach. It lost a lot of the tension you had nicely built up. Also when they went back to the present how come the veritasium facility was still there? If history had changed surely humans would not have evolved in that case?
"Regina could hear her husbands voice"-husband's
"Above head" - Above her head.
| Vladvonbounce chapter 1 . 8/6/2013
Dinosaurs and time travel is pretty awesome! I like the way you have considered some different implications of potential time travel here. Although the idea that people might risk civilisation as we know it just to get a chance to hunt velociraptors is a bit of a stretch but then humans have done some pretty stupid things in the past so on the other hand not surprised. Story writing itself is also pretty engaging and nicely paced. I liked the dramatic ending, makes you want to keep reading more.
A couple of nitpicks
"She could see her reflection in the polished quick-silver, all pixie hair-do tinged to a fiery red and emerald green eyes that harbored a look of concern she did not dare let the others discern." I would change the comma to a period and change all to 'her pixie hair do was tinged a fiery red and her emerald green eyes harboured a look a of concern. I am not sure about the last part of the sentence. If there is concern in her eyes then surely other people can discern it? Also having the words concern and discern in the same sentence felt a bit awkward. Maybe try hidden?
"time is just not of the essence, time is the essence" maybe "time is not just of the essence, time is the essence" I think that reads better.
"Her husband Lesperance, burly chested head of security for Veritasium whose boyish wit matched his smile and his colleagues, a youthful security recruit named Travis Eckels who hid his nervousness worse than Regina and another officer named Krillings." As a general rule try to keep sentences under 25 words. You could introduce the three names and then have a separate sentence describing each one.
"One of the scientist"-. scientists.
| Simlead chapter 1 . 8/3/2013
I think you've made a great start to this.
The way you've left it at a cliffhanger is well-written - you don't just say 'there was a [insert dinosaur]', you have the ground trembling and Krillings swallowing.
Your character's are already well-defined. You can tell Regina is sensible because she's already keeping them in line or other similar behaviour. And you can see that Les is a little bit of a jokester. :) Well done, keep writing!
| Unxious Custard chapter 1 . 7/23/2013
Hi, I enjoyed your start, especially the technique of reading the plaque that told us what this story is all about. The comparison with Jurassis Park was well done. However, I am not sure you have your target audience right. To my mind, this novel is not for kids. Bear in mind kids are pretty self involved people, and mostly they like to read about other kids. Adults rarely cut it in the greater world of the adolecent.
he fished around in one of the cases ... Capital H for he required here. "So what's it gonna be sweetheart... A little cliche perhaps? Especially with the rest of his dialogue pretty much defining the nature of this character.
I did enjoy the evolutionary thinking process - leading to the extinction of a species. These thought trails do however, confirm my view that this story is for adults, or at the very least teens.
There is some excellent quality to this writing, with sentences that flow, paragraphs that make sense and make me keep reading, and humourous dialogue. Excuse the spelling - I'm English - what more can I say. Don't be frightened of the word said. You use several manipulative tricks to avoid it, which is fine, but don't always feel the word must be replaced by alternatives such as whispered, teased, etc. The eye slides over said, causing the message in the dialogue to become clearer. We get stuck on adverbs relating to speach, so it's usually best to avoid them.
Good writing though, and the plot has great promise.
| Zoicite23 chapter 1 . 7/16/2013
This was very interesting and well written. I liked your characters, Les gives off an immature yet fun impression to me and Dr. Deutscher seems intelligent and possibly a little eccentric. The ideas you represented in this story were unique. I liked the descriptions, specifically the sounds and colours as you described time being manipulated by technology. Good job.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 7/11/2013
Hmmm...gotta wonder if people will have seen Jurassic Park in the future - for instance, over half of my students when I teach say they've never seen The Matrix - they were very young when it came out. I'm not sure how far in the future this is though, but I find myself questioning whether or not the 1990s hit Jurassic Park will still be a hit decades and decades later for use of a pop culture reference. At the same time - the setting up in the opening scenes *is* very close to that of Jurassic Park, so I can understand the need to "reference" that you're aware of that. But I'm not sure it fits time-wise.
Deutscher hiked up his glasses. "while the safety..." [Capitalize "While"]
"Suppose you accidental kill one..." [accidentally]
Hans's little tirad about what happens if one mouse is killed was a little stereotypical for the time travel paradox kind of stuff - I mean, so much so they even parody it in Futurama. So maybe just cut back on it and have Les "get" the gist of things quicker? I feel like we spent too much time on explaining something that everyone well versed in reading about time travel should already know by now, paradoxes - bad, etc. etc. That being said - I like the way you worked around that by marking the different dinosaurs that can be shot with no bad effect because I thought that did bring something really original to the table of time-travel that I haven't seen before. Cool!
Regina cupped Les' powerful jawline in her hand and brought him eye level, "Don't make me regret this baby." She said, ... [Period after "eye level" and comma after "baby". Un-capitalize "She". Look up how to correctly punctuate dialogue/speaker tags if you're unsure by doing a quick Google search on the grammar - it has some good guides.]
"Welcome to the Jungle!" Les shouted in his best Axl Rose voice. [Another confusing reference given their original setting-time - I mean, is this taking place in the 90s? I would believe the references then. But if this isn't taking place in the 90s, I'm not so sure these cultural icons are going to be as prevalent as you seem to think they will be in the future, haha. I mean, it's a suckie situation - but kids these days are being raised by parents who never listened to Guns n' Roses so then etc. etc. the references would fade out and be replaced by other things. Also - Turok was a reference even I didn't get, though I looked it up and found they had a game out in 2008. Still, that's like five years ago, haha. So, I dunno, Les really seems to have grown up more awares in the 80s and 90s than in the actual future, haha. Maybe that will be a twist.]
-"Yeah yeah everyone's not yet unborn," Les tossed the [the EM dash should be inside the dialogue and also an EM Dash, not a hyphen. Period after "unborn" because "Les tossed" is action, not a tag. I'm seeing a lot of instances of things like this in the dialogue, and overall, I think this is one of the more unpolished works that I've read from you. That's an okay thing though, I just thought I'd point it out. If this is a novel or a novella or something though, getting the first draft actually written is more important than copy editing, but just be aware!]
Krillings swallowed hard, "that don't sound like no 'raptor... [This needs to have a period after "hard", capitalize "That", and then make sure that you put a closing quotation after the ellipses! Otherwise, this ended on a good cliffhanger.]
I think some of these characters seem a little stiff - Les seems one dimensional just because he takes the role of the eager "big buck hunter" guy who is rude and only cares about one thing - I'm not sure there's anything more to him than that. The concept of going back in time for this kind of hunt is cool though, and I think it's original, which I liked. I also liked the way you handled it in the descriptions and the explanation in the opening about the company that does this, etc. because it opens up a whole new association of what sport is for these people. Overall well done, I'd be interested to see where you go with this, but I have a feeling they might get stuck somehow!