Reviews for Irege
Annabelle4.0 chapter 1 . 6/7/2015
Whoa. Intense straight from thee start. O.o

I like it that way. :)
Revamp chapter 5 . 1/29/2015
I wonder if it's time travel or maybe the fact that Flora could be in a different paradox that ran alongside of her own? Either way, this story is getting very interesting. I really like the development of the characters and the new telling of Flora's search for Zonoah. I can't wait to see another update on this story. I really love what you've done with it.
Revamp chapter 4 . 1/29/2015
I actually didn't expect this to take the time-traveling turn that it did and I must say I am pleasantly surprised. Now Flora must search for Zonoah and the information about the Irege was insightful and an interesting added touch.
Revamp chapter 3 . 1/29/2015
It seems that what happened has gotten around. It's a good thing that 'Fiona' is going under that alias. Peter is really interesting, an undertaker, assassin and slayer of wizards and magicians. Even though he's the adversary, I really like his character.
This was a great chapter!
Revamp chapter 2 . 1/29/2015
I like the semi-explanation of the Yin and Yang powers. I admit I was confused as to what Yin user meant in the first chapter but this clears it up a little. I'm sure you'll probably expand on it later on.
The fact that Flora has the reverse eye color placement as the main character intrigues me. I wonder why that is so. The fact that Flora is an assassin is quite interesting as well. It seems she is going to have quite the backstory if you choose to expand it.

I like that Zonoha is taught to manifest and manipulate her powers, rather than just having them and being an auto-pro at them as I've seen so many people do. It adds a nice touch of realism, struggle and relatability to her character. Nice job with this chapter.
Revamp chapter 1 . 1/29/2015
I finally got around to reading this story and so far I really enjoy it. The suspense, darkness and action are well done and the description is also done well. The characters are engaging and built up well and the chapter has nice fluidity. I hope to see more of this and I will continue to read each chapter.
xxxyx chapter 3 . 10/1/2013
Wow, insta-power up after just one chapter. Lol.
1. 'The cloak seemed to have been crafted [from] silk...'
2. 'Needless to say, I [was anticipating] this day for quite a while.'

Hm, over all, this story had the calm atmosphere to it. Beware as to not border on bland instead!

3. 'As we turned our heads around, a speeding black horse [roared past] us, shocking our own horse who was probably [half-asleep] from the previous silence.'
4. 'He had a slightly muscular build and wore a different color [for] each of his clothing.'

Whoah, cowboys in a King Arthur story? Ah, coffin with straps, definitely anime-material. *w* I'm suddenly super-curious.

5. '"...If you have suspected me some time ago, [how] come you didn't take your chance to kill me?"'
6. 'He [laid] his box down and [opened] the lid.' - make sure you stick to the proper past tense verbs!
7. 'I can [see] Flora's face cloud in regret...'

Other than the frequent odd sentence structures, the narration is improving. I think I can sympathize with Zonoah better now.
Mr Pipestone is... quite weird. The concept of him itself is something I found hard to grasp. Maybe it was just me.
Anyway, I know you are really fond of your characters, so while the story is still starting, add more charisma into them while you're at it! Hook dem readers in! Really. I think you need more charisma with them, like how you made Lucfi likeable. You can do it, King! ;)
xxxyx chapter 2 . 10/1/2013
Hm, you usually have issues with words that sounded similar, a common mistake among those who have English as their first language, like:
1. 'A [soothing] aroma hit my nostrils'
2. '...soup from what I [smelled]...'
3. 'After sitting down, she pulled out a small portion of [bread] from her cloak, much to the delight of my eyes and stomach.' - beard, sorry King, I rofl'd at this XD And 'beard' repeated itself a few times actually.
Ah... I see... Yin and Yang... but in a medieval setting that looks mostly western? Interesting.
4. 'Flora had a look that [reminded] me of the time the daughter of a servant woman had a good talking to for not working.'
5. 'I had the same one the daughter had, [sadness].'

I think you can do with practising your sentence structures. Other than that, your storytelling has potential.

6. 'I was [a] murderer.'
What the... the Prince is still alive? Argh! Then he'll be the king!
7. 'I strolled along the [burnt] remains of the castle.'
Hm, the change of POV was slightly sudden, but... hm, never mind.
8. '. I began to [scan] around in search of any survivors. The part of the castle we were in was [where] most of the second floor crumbled down.'
9. 'He let out [painful] cries, which is the common response I expect from having his [burnt] skin being touched.'
10. 'I woke up in Flora's lap, [having fallen] asleep from crying for some time.'
11. '"Hush now[,]" she placed her index finger over my lips.'
12. '"I am not one to say [whether] all the blame falls on you or not; however, the burden is still the same regardless."'
13. 'I could've [burnt] myself?!'
14. '"I heard he was King Arthur's prized sorcerer, the creator of all [the] many arts we know [of] today."'

Okay, sorry, I was being overly honest by nitpicking over every detail I found, so shoot me. ;w;

Anyway, this being your first time writing in first person, it's fairly good, although I found Zonoah's thoughts to be a little bit too straight forward at times, sometimes sounding detached, and sometimes when she was supposed to sound emotional... it felt unnatural. I think you can do with making your dialogues or narration a little bit more exciting. Put in something lively. Add some more life and wit into it.

As for her character, despite this being written in first person, it does not make me fully sympathize with Zonoah yet like what first person POVs should have done. Like for example, you might want to elaborate first why Zonoah suddenly decided to look for Merlin, because it was something I didn't expect upon reading of her character so far. But don't worry, you're on a good start. Good luck!
xxxyx chapter 1 . 10/1/2013
Heya, I've finally started reviewing. -w-
Anyway, your prose really has improved a lot since... well, since. It's much better written than... well, than.
So far, dialogue is pretty average, though, not bad, and not too impressive either.
But the narration is pretty good for a first person POV in my opinion, although sometimes bordering on either bland or flowery.
Well, guess the twist in this chapter is something like Bluebeard, then. Good placement, a twist in the first chapter.
There is action, there are things to hook the readers, so pretty much, it has what it takes to be the first chapter. Reading on!

1. 'which [bore] the mark of the family crest.'
2. 'While I deeply appreciated his kindness in allowing [me] to stay in the same castle as him,'
3. 'For [a while]'
4. 'First, the prince [raised] his hand.'
Senti chapter 1 . 7/17/2013
Sorry gonna have to do this over TTnTT
Reviewing time. xD
Since I'm the first reviewer I think I should get some sort of prize or something, King-hime. Anywho, my review is gonna be really long.

Overall opinion: I like the plot and some of the setting. I thought it could have used more description and dialogue though, it would have made the story a little more realistic in a sense. Some of the relationships between the characters seemed a little unnatural, imo. Like Zonoah and her beloved evil rapist prince. I also felt that a little more of Zonoah and her prince could have been shown. I like almost everything else aside form that.

Favourite character: The person who saved Zonoah in the end.

Least Favourite: No one as far as I can see.

Inner comment: This read like a VN and I actually wanted the prince to raper her. /slapped

OTHER COMMENTS: '-Crackling sounds echo around me.'
(Technically this sentence reads a little odd)

It may sound better if it read like- '[A] crackling sound echoes around me'

-'I slowly open my [] to meet flames'
- ( missing word) [eyes]

-'Taking oxygen away, burning whatever was in its path. '

By separating this with a comma, it makes the sentence seem a little choppy. I suggest using the conjunction 'and' in replace of the comma; creating more flow. It may now read and, or sound better as - Taking oxygen away and burning whatever was in its path.

-' a beautiful [,] yet destructive thing.'
(There is a disruption of flow. Instead of abruptly separating it with the full stop I suggest connecting it it with a comma and the conjunction 'and'. Thus creating subject verb agreement.)

It may sound better if it read like- 'Fire, such a beautiful and yet destructive thing.'

-'It was then [ ] I noticed everywhere around me was set aflame.'
(missing word) [When]
( I also realized something with this sentence as I went along. Above you already stated that the fire was burning anything and everything in it's path. But here you repeat it again, technically causing redundancy.

-'Sounds of someone being slowly burnt to death.'
(I'm not sure entirely but I think you are stating that more than one person is being burnt to death, right? By saying 'someone' it makes it sound as if there is only on person being burnt. Common mistake. I suggest rewording)

'... trying not to throw up from hearing the awful [sound ].'
(As stated above, I'm sure you're referring to more than one persons.) [Sounds]

-'How did all of this happen? I only remember so little... Some of these memories aren't even mine.'
(I'll suggest italicizing this if it's thought or putting it in quotation marks if it's actual speech. It's a little confusing just as it if you think about it.)

-'I guess the only way for me to find out... is go back all the way to the beginning.'( As stated above)

-'My true first memory was waking up to the sound of waves,[ ] [ ] lying down on a blanket of sand.' [I ] and [was] respectively. ( There was a little bit of confusion here, abstracting the natural flow. It sounded as if the waves were laying on the blanket of sand.)

It may sound better if it read like- My true first memory was waking up to the sound of waves, I was lying down on a blanket of sand.

-'I was wrapped around a black sheet that covered my naked body, thank goodness.' ( A bit of odd phrasing is going on here.)
It may sound better if it read like- 'A black sheet was wrapped around me, covering my naked body, thank goodness'

-'He had short, wavy blonde hair that blew slightly [from] the wind, green eyes that could calm any weary heart, and wore quite a dashing red [attire]. He looked just like a prince.'
[in] and [outfit] (It's more appropriate if you think about it. Attire seems a little to dramatic. My main comment about this sentence is that it's a tad bit too long. Try separating it.)
It may sound better if it read like- 'He had sort, wavy blonde hair that blew slightly in the wind and green eyes claim any weary heart. He wore quite a dashing red attire. He looked like a prince.'

-'Me and the servant bowed in greeting to him.' ( A bit odd if I must say.)
It may sound better if it read like - 'The servant and I bowed, greeting him.'

-'Kay's face was beat red [in] embarrassment.' [from] (It's more appropriate)

-"You await the day I beat you yet, Sir Galahad!" ( This is a little confusing. I suggest rephrasing it)

-'At night, the moon shined brightly as I pondered why the prince would choose be to wed him.' ( A little odd. Try rephrasing it)
-'I decided to stare out my window' (As stated above also)

-'I slowly [pace] around my quarters'

-'To [calm] my curiosity ' (I honestly don't think this is the most appropriate word. Try rewording or use a different word)

-'the hall lit by torches to lit the darkness, and walked up to his room.' (I was a bit confused about this sentence, the second part in particular. I suggest omitting it for better flow.)

A long staircase led downward, [[like [lending] to a basement or dungeon.]] I slowly descended [down] the wooden steps, hoping not to make as much noise as possible.
[leading] (I suggest rewording that sentence in brackets. It's a bit odd. And I also suggest omitting the word down because descend and down relatively has the same meaning.)

-'...[,] as I desperately wanted my opinion [on] the prince to stay the same.'
[remove the comma] and [of] respectively.

-'However, I knew [full] well it was him.' [fully]

-'...he said in a calm tone, as if trying to [smooth] me,' (Not sure here. Is it Soothe?)

-' I was losing air.' (Not sure if this appropriate enough.)
-It may sound better if it read like -'I was running out of oxygen.'

And that's my review. Sorry that I had to post twice. Remove the first one if you want. xD
Sentimental RainCloud chapter 1 . 7/17/2013
Reviewing time. xD
Since I'm the first reviewer I think I should get some sort of prize or something, King-hime. Anywho, my review is gonna be really long.

Overall opinion: I like the plot and some of the setting. I thought it could have used more description and dialogue though, it would have made the story a little more realistic in a sense. Some of the relationships between the characters seemed a little unnatural, imo. Like Zonoah and her beloved evil rapist prince. I also felt that a little more