Reviews for Empty Spaces
Nickolaus Pacione chapter 1 . 1/9/2014
Okay it had been a few years since I came here but you have a cool story you returned with here - I brought one for here too Fandom Weirdness.
Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 7/23/2013
Hi from the Roadhouse!

I love the technique in which you contrast the country and the city. I like how the elements that belong in the country consist of this short list of beautifully described things, whereas in the city, stuff like “smog, car horns, bus horns, train horns”makes the tempo of the prose a lot more short and snappy, the way a city operates. Very nicely done!

It’s a small thing, but I wonder if your opening would be stronger (more hooking) if you begin with the second sentence (with the country imagery), then put your current first sentence in later to sum up how Anne felt? Actually, I wonder if the first sentence is even necessary, anywhere, because we know she’s uncomfortable from the next two sentences, and we know she’s new to the city because you go on to talk about her new lease.

[Her window looked out across the street and, if she turned just right, down the road a few blocks before the building faded into indecipherable blobs of brick and glass.] I feel like this sentence is missing an ending

Anne’s mom reminds me of my mom when I first started college. Except I went somewhere more rural and she was all, how’s life on the farm?

Okay, so the horror part comes out. And I’m right about to go to bed, haha. I like that you engage with multiple senses, not just the way the monster looked, but also the smell of him and the way his skin peeled. Creepy.

I’m wondering if you thought about playing with punctuation/sentence structure in the last scenes. Short sentences often work well in action-y scenes, though my writing professor once told me that long run-on sentences with lots of commas simulate hard breathing. Also, there were some adverbs in the last section that I personally didn’t really like. “immediately” and “occasionally” were two that jumped out at me. Both slowed down the writing in a scene where the tempo should be quick, and neither really added anything to the prose, I feel.

Overall, this is a quality story. Thanks for the read!
Vladvonbounce chapter 1 . 7/23/2013
This is a really nice haunting short story. It flows nicely from being someone complaining about living in the city to someone transported to a horror forest of doom. I like the way she realises that something is clearly very wrong but she still tries to cling to logic and she doesn't let her panic take hold. I sort of would like an explanation of what's really going on here but I guess leaving it as a mystery adds to the horror of the story. I definitely won't be sleeping in a park anytime soon.
Shadows of Dakaron chapter 1 . 7/23/2013
It's an amazing story. I was captivated by the simple flow of it, and the horror at the end just stands out sharper. I only have a couple of edits, grammar and spelling, that I noticed. My apologies for being nitpicky:

- In the fourth paragraph toward the end, "simple listen to wind in the branches" I think you meant simply.

- In the third to last paragraph, "The surrounded her"

I really loved the imagery of the chase. It made me feel like taking a breath myself. And the park/forest I feel could've used a lot more menacing personalization, as if it were the ultimate cause of the horror. Maybe a root trips her up that moves away? I felt like the creatures were just a part of the malevolent consciousness park/forest, like it was one large entity, sort of like a genius loci. All in all, I enjoyed it.
Austin F chapter 1 . 7/20/2013
Very good story! In my opinion, there could have been a little more characterization of Anne and her daily life and thoughts. I absolutely loved the description of the creature, that was good, very good. The only criticism there would probably be the cliched way she was caught, but there really aren't many different scenarios . Overall, I really enjoyed this story!
Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 7/20/2013
Hey there! :) Returning the review!

[Anne was new to the city, and she knew without a doubt that it wasn't the place for her. She was used to winding country roads, gentle breezes on the porch, and the rustle of the wind through the trees. Here she was simply surrounded by angry drivers, angry cyclists, angry pedestrians, smog, car horns, bus horns, train horns, and the unshakeable shadow of looming skyscrapers. In this giant city, she was beginning to feel terribly claustrophobic, and the ink on her lease was barely two weeks old.] I think this paragraphy describes perfectly what a person going through this situation would feel like. For me, it's the opposite (going from city to open land) but I can still relate to this. And yeah, you pretty much summed up a major city really good in that one sentence. XP

[He smiled wider and stepped forward{,}] It should be a period, not a comma.

Omg. No. Don't ever fall asleep in a park, especially if it's a park that belongs to a city. That's just asking for trouble. x.x

But ah. At first, I thought he was some sort of rapist, but I'm thinking that now it may be more supernatural because of the state he's in.

I didn't find anything I disliked. I really enjoyed reading this so far, and I'm curious as to how this will all play out. You have great writing. Keep up the good work. :D
Unxious Custard chapter 1 . 7/17/2013
Hi, I really enjoyed your beginning, because it gave me an immediate sense of your character. Being a country girl myself, I can empathise with this. I would avoid the world simply however, in simply surrounded. It adds nothing, except writer's noise to the story. By the second paragraph, I'm beginning to feel weighed down by "ands". Whenever I write an "and" during the edit phase I consider very carefully whether the sentence would not be stronger as two sentences. Usually the answer is yes. Otherwise aim for more significant ways to join the phrases together that give the reader a deeper understanding. In this section for example: She gazed out the window and daydreamed about lives playing out behind all those curtains and blinds. She considered the dull monotony of family life, the thrill of single adulthood, the terror of paying bills each month, and other potential tragedies, dramas, and comedies all around her, all to the quiet soundtrack of ice clinking in her glass, try she gazed out of the window, daydreaming about... leave out the and before other potential tragedies, and the one between dramas, and comedians. No matter what your English teacher told you, you don't really need them. I ignore mine on a regular basis. Paragraph 4 suffers from a preponderance of As's. Well done on the dialogue interruption. This story needed that human interaction. Mom I believe, is spelled with a capital, particularly if it is your Mom. Other people's moms are allowed lower case. I am getting a nice sense of loneliness from this piece, and your character is as clear as daylight. I could do with more internalized thoughts however, instead of just telling us how she feels, show it within her thoughts, her gaze around the empty accommodation, the hunt for her Dad's pair of slippers maybe? I love the mystery of the park, and the dead. How very unexpected. I also enjoyed how the park had growth in dimension. Great plot. Very well written. I hope you will review my story Psychics v Terrorists, which is a modern day fantasy, (much as yours is - I can't tell you how tired I am of fairies, vamps, etc.) Good luck with the writing. Once the bug gets into you it never really lets go.