|Reviews for Outcast|
| elie chapter 6 . 8/24/2013
OH MY GOSH, YES. YES. THE GOOD STUFF.
We're finally getting a look at Don's powers! But, before we even get into that- He REALLY needs to break the news to Yasmine. The poor girl is being led on. He knows she likes him, but he hasn't made it clear he's not interested. Sigh.
And I'm excited about this new character Evelyn. I think she has a lot of answers and I'm interested in seeing what's up with Don's father. He must be pretty important. And I'm wondering what's going to happen to Blake as well, especially since he witnessed what Don did. It's good to know that Blake isn't COMPLETELY evil, by the way. You are really good at creating and using these complex characters.
Great writing as always. (: There is this one line at the end that states: "Blade began to lower the blade from Don's neck and he knew his morality lifting itself up." Might want to look into that. And whenever you're not busy you could... write some more awesome-tastic chapters. And post soon. Until then, I guess I'll just anxiously wait haha.
| elie chapter 5 . 8/12/2013
Another chapter well done. (: As you know, I love the detail you use in your writing, but sometimes I'm just like... "what?" haha. There was a time in an earlier chapter when you were describing Don's pee, and then in this chapter you included the detail about some stray saliva between Anomaly and Don. You leave no topic undetailed haha. Detailer extraordinaire.
I'm glad that there was this touching scene with Don and Anomaly, but really, I'm DYING to see when Don discovers his powers and kicks some butt. I mean, now there's Alias being all cool and bad ass (which is awesome), but I'm curious to see where Don fits in with the superhero crew.
I really like Mr. Spelling, he's pretty cool for a teacher. I wonder what going to happen now that you have both Anomaly AND Mr. Spelling planning on doing something about Blake. I'm waiting to read more. Please update soon?
| elie chapter 4 . 8/12/2013
Oh, man, that really sucks. Everything seemed to be going great and Don finally stands up for himself and then this. For Blake to act this way, so incredibly violent and hateful, you just know something is up with him. His own insecurities must be eating him up from the inside, and its killing him. I hope Don is able to solve the issue with Blake soon.
On a completely different and less somber note; Mr. Spelling is a pot head? Haha. Genius. Good chapter. On to the next.
| elie chapter 3 . 8/12/2013
Oh. My. Goodness. I cannot stop smiling about how this chapter ended. In fact, I pretty sure my mom thinks I'm crazy because I'm grinning like a complete fool while I'm typing this. Great chapter, just great! Sorry it took so long for me to review, I been kind of busy. But now I'm ready to tell you everything great about this story (in my opinion).
I really, really like Don as a character. He is really sweet, and I'm glad he got to have his first kiss with the mysterious Anomaly (who I still suspect is Danny, but at the same time, what if this is just the set up of some kind of love triangle thing?). I think he's definitely a hopeless romantic type, especially with that amazing description of his comic Griffin and his hope for Aquila and Leo. Anyway, I think you do a great job with characterization, and not just Don's. You really bring all the characters to life.
The voice you use for the story is great. I love the narration, it's funny and detailed. However, I feel that the entire first paragraph to this chapter was confusing. The metaphorical analogies are usually great, but this one is hard to understand. Maybe you will consider revising it? Or, really, you don't have to have it there at all. This is a really great chapter, but that one paragraph seems to detract from it.
An error that I caught and actually remembered: When Anomaly is asked why he has come to see Don, he says "I want to check how you were doing the last time I saw you," Which I'm sure could be "(since) the last time I saw you". But really, that was the only thing that I could remember after that intensely, crazy, wonderful moment when they kissed. If my mind hadn't been blown, then maybe I would have remembered some other stuff haha. Great job again. On to the next chapter!
| elie chapter 2 . 7/24/2013
... What if Danny is Anomaly? Haha, okay, now I will actually review.
Another great chapter, and I'll tell you why: You do great with the flow of the story. It's not too fast paced and there are just enough details to keep the reader interested. You're also doing a great job with characterization. Don seems so sweet- he's such a likable/relate-able person. I also like your narration style. The narrator is hilarious. I know I've told you this before, but I love your rhetoric. The metaphors, the details, the way your sentences don't run on for too long... haha, I'll stop. (:
Things to watch out for: Something that is really getting to me is the excessive use of Don's name at the beginning of multiple sentences in succession. 'Don did this. Don did that. Don went here. Don went there' etc. It's very distracting and a little boring. Use some pronouns occasionally or maybe rewrite the sentence so that you don't have to start with the subject. There were some grammar errors as well, but it's not like I can mark it and I don't really remember where I saw them. I'm sure you can catch them if you reread this. But, if you'd like me to go back through it and point it out, then I can/will. It's not a problem. (:
I really do like your story. I can't wait for Don to meet Anomaly! Please post soon.
| elie chapter 1 . 7/19/2013
I really liked the opening paragraph. Good use of humor and addressing the reader directly are great ways to grab the attention of anyone checking out a story. The allusion to cupid is also stellar, and I like how it was incorporated at the end of the chapter. There were a few grammar errors, but they weren't incredibly distracting. So far, I'm intrigued. Where was Mr. Gupta during the action? When is Don going to see Anomaly again? Waiting to read more!