Reviews for ACT IT OUT
Veronica Fay chapter 3 . 1/31/2014
Hi! Great chapter! Very few stories, get me smiling and laughing like this one :) The ending was great and I liked both of their reactions!
Dream Vortex chapter 3 . 1/30/2014
Oh gosh, this is super awkward... but in a wonderful kind of way () The dialogue and pace is interesting and well written, plus it made me laugh out a few times which was super awesome! I like what you've written so far!
(I checked out your profile after you reviewed on my story, thought I'd return the courtesy and review on your story as well. Which I've really enjoyed so far!)
PhreshxxxBear chapter 3 . 1/28/2014
Interesting story. I wonder when they are going to find out about the girls' plot.
T. Kaye Andrews chapter 3 . 1/27/2014
I really love this story and I can't wait to read more!
Veronica Fay chapter 2 . 10/23/2013
Hi! This has made me laugh out loud a few times! Great job :) Update soon!
BrokenDreamer529 chapter 2 . 9/18/2013
Totally digging the story :D. So you should like. Update. Soon.
Listening-up-on-you chapter 2 . 8/27/2013
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME! YOU UPDATED WHILE I WAS ON A TRIP AND WITHOUT A COMPUTER! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WHEN I FOUND OUT AND COULDN'T READ IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? TRYING TO KILL ME? *-*

UPDATES: Well when I write I tend to do a bunch of random things. Writing other little shorts and stories always helps. Staying hydrated helps the mind. If you keep away from the computer for a while and do other things you might be inspired that way. Travel may help. Don't focus too heavily on it. Sometimes when I write random words on the screen I can get somewhere off of that. Writing in a notebook first might help. Looking at pictures or searching random stuff could help. You could people watch. Just don't make it painfully obvious. Taking a break might help. Do you play an instrument? Playing one might help your creative brain start up. Relieving Stress would help your mind. When I drink random amounts of water I feel more awake and can write more. Reading might help you get some inspiration. Learning something might jumpstart your mind. Driving around town might help. Rereading what you have might help. Daydreaming helps me sometimes. If you listen to music it might help you. You could randomly dance in your house? It could help. It could be fun. Maybe watching some television? Talk to some people. Ask your craziest friend to take you on a trip somewhere and write about that.

Now it's time to get to the goods.

"Sorry for the stage interruption, baby. I got it on tape too, by the way." - Haha. Ha. Isn't he screwed? ;)

You know we can still talk and everything on the phone and email while you're gone?" - Is this really meant to be a question. I feel like he would be stating this not asking it. Though I guess he could be.

"You should save all this loving for the person behind you, right?" - Oh, haha. I've been waiting for this moment.

Those strongly defined pupils were fixed on me, and his dark-brown hair fell a little over his eyes as he analyzed my distraught expression. - So that's the guy? Hm. Interesting.

…Why is this guy having eye sex with me? - Well If I saw a hot guy laying on the floor with his eyes locked on mine and I knew that he was mine for the night. I'd be having eye sex. Sounds about right. I mean, Alton is so **** hot that people probably want to screw him on site. Hm... "Lock Target"
Haha.

I immediately looked down at the ground, like a shy child to a bigger "cool" kid. - Could this be love at first site? Bad boy bows down. It seems cute though.

He looks like he freaking owns this bar along with all of the hookers and strippers outside! - He sure does. Why is he wearing Nike Tennis Shoes?

…with him, I felt I was already doing something wrong. - This is the feeling of true love. Give away your straight wings to us my friend. *-*

Why was he so special? - Clearly he has the magic glow and money. I think he has lots of money. You know green pollutes the scene.

I think the two girls made a bet and our looking at large amounts of money lost and won.

But I don't even know this accursed bar, and I have to be a tour guide for the whole night? - I hate it when shit like that happens. You just got to wing it, Alton. I'm rooting for you!

"You know, you and I have met before." Cain said while staring at Sara and Seri's direction. - Oh, plot twist? I see.

"I would think that anyone who publicly kisses the dancers on stage would be giving everyone his personality. It's like I already know you." - Oh. Alton's going to tolerate this? I see a fun night ahead.

Alton is my favorite (or is it too early for favorites) character so far. Seri also makes me laugh, like her too.

I liked your descriptions and dialog. The only problem I was having was picturing the bar. Like the color of the place and the seats and etc. Other than that I thought this chapter was gold.

Note: Thinking about it. The title makes me think that Cain is two-faced. I also think it was a play on words. Clever.

At the gay bar looking for sugar Cain.

I wonder what's next? Can't wait to find out.

You know, I have never had bagels with celery before. Maybe I will try it. Yeah. You can't always procrastinate that homework can catch up to you.
Mylilblackpen chapter 1 . 8/9/2013
I've never read 'slash' before so I am a little out of my comfort zone; but I have to say this is quite a well written piece with some really nice bits in it - I especially like the relationship between Alton and Seri. You made me laugh when Alton got caught up with the dancers. I think this is a really well written piece but there were a few spelling errors so maybe read your piece back to check your errors. Apart from that a really nice start to the story. You are talented. I really liked the detail in each description, it made it seem much more vivid and real.
artemismoon2015 chapter 1 . 8/7/2013
I love the first chapter, it was hilarious. I didn't think he would actually kiss the dancer. I can't wait to see what happens next.
7cm-away-from-you chapter 1 . 7/31/2013
I love long walks on the beach and this story. Please keep it up, and do not forget to do your homework!

and, the first chapter is really interesting and you are off to a good start; Alton seems pretty daring as well, surprising everyone with that kiss.
Listening-up-on-you chapter 1 . 7/21/2013
Comment to your update : Ooh, then I am in for a treat. I love funny things. But I don't like popcorn, can I bring candy? I love me some lemon tarts. Awesome.

Let's get started.

I enjoyed being in the private seats or rooms on the side where I could hear the individual girls speaking to me, and I could take my time to relax and listen to the music. - I think this sentence is a bit lengthy. Break it up a bit. I think it would make the reading smoother. As an offender of that myself, I think it would be better.

"What? What are you talking about? That jacket is yours! It was in your closet! Now, go and put it on, or you won't attract all the naughty men!" Seri said looking at me mischievously while pointing to the thrown jacket on the sofa. - Oh, haha,"naughty men", loved that!

"Why do I have to spend so much time picking out my clothing for this club? I really am just watching over you two and showing you friend around, right?" I of all the girls that I dated, Seri was the first one to ask me to accompany her to a gay bar to flirt with her guy friend for the hell of it. -Change you to your for your friend. Why is there an I in front of "of all the girls" I would say put a comma in front of "of" but I would just take the"I" away. That's funny that his girlfriend would do that. Manhood challenge?

I reached to grab onto the collar to try to loosen it, but to no avail. My neck was muscular, and I practically felt like an ostrich. - Aw, poor guy. I like your descriptions of what is or was happening. It's easy to get into this story and really see it. Great job. :)

So, here I am, at a famous downtown gay bar which is known to attract the most promiscuous homosexual daredevils from all over the state. - I think more "straight" men should go there.

Seri turned her head around to look at me while still weaving the crowd. From a bystander's point of view, it looked like a tall grown-up guy being guided by his daughter to the "cooler" parts of the club. - That's adorable... and very awkward.

Where's the friend at?

As I glared in Seri's direction while devising all the annoying ways I can get her back for even putting me in this place, I heard the crowd chanting "Dance! Dance! Dance!" louder and louder at me like a drunken cult. I am not going to- I refuse to- I know how, but I'm not going to- - You better dance! *holds up two hundred dollar bills.* DANCE! DANCE! (let me stop)

I like this story.

Oh look, it's the hot guy we wanted to grind on in the crowd. He is a part of the act! - This would've been cool in italics... just a preference. I think it looks better when it stands out. I like how you have infused his thoughts though. Straight guy at a homosexual club dancing on the stage. A story to tell for decades.

Ooh, this is getting good! Rub on him! I love the awkward tension.

I stiffened by body to look back. - Maybe try, " I stiffened my body before looking back." or change by to my... but how do you stiffen your body then move?

"Hey, sweet thing. You're not a part of the act, but I can let you be. I wouldn't mind you as a 'sacrifice.'" - I laughed so hard, I started to cry.

This is good.

Before I could fully look around, all I could manage was an almost confused interrogational face before the chiseled caramel-colored foreign man in a neon-red strapless bra and Victoria Secret underwear gave me a strong, wet lick on the ear. - I can't... can't breathe... *passes out laughing*

"JLKjfaldufdakfh!" I shouted as I slammed my hand over my ear in paranoid self-defense and jolted a meter back from the man, only to awkwardly hit the chest of another Brazilian dancer on the stage, who looked back at me with a doting smile. - Hm. Let me get serious and collect myself again.

My mind just froze. My eyes twitched and my thoughts went blank. He. Kissed. Mr. Chocolate. "..." "..."
"..."

I grabbed Mr. Chocolate's golden bead necklace and kissed him –hard- enough to call it the "crashing of lips" and closed my eyes to concentrate on finishing the job instead of listening to the sheer magnitude of surprised gasps and shouts that erupted from the crowd. - Break this sentence up, it's a bit long like a run on sentence. I mean, doesn't it seem like it needs some full stops. Especially for the dramatic pauses for what just happened to are beloved straight man.

Perfect ending,

A damn cliff hanger, but that's okay.

Overview of how I felt about this chapter,
It was great! Perfect to get people hooked I think. It's very interesting and I loved the main character. Can't wait to meet the other man. I also like how it's in first person, I love stories in first person. It was exciting! I think the chapter was a good length, but I would of liked some more descriptions of the main characters. Also saw a few errors here and there... but there might of been more, I am no (far, far, far, from) expert.

Reply to note: I'm not grammar expert (and make a bunch of mistakes myself), but I hope that I helped you. Oh, not sure if you needed all those comma's in front of your "and's" but then again, I do that from time to time too... so not sure. I hope you liked my lengthy review. Haha, Oh and for icing on the cake:

I love long walks on the beach and this story. Please keep it up, and do not forget to do your homework!

Never forget that homework (winks)!

Side note: Expect me to return.

-Continue to write.
-Thanks for sharing.

;)
AudenJayy chapter 1 . 7/20/2013
Keep going, I'm loving this so far, almost like a movie.
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