|Reviews for Into The Night (Rewrite)|
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 11/8/2013
Hey! Sorry this took so long.
[Least I acted treated her decent] I think there's a typo here?
[spoke English, Chinese, Mandarin, and Russian] people don’t speak Chinese, they speak Mandarin, Cantonese and whatever spoken dialect of Chinese
Great fight scene in the bar! I thought the action was really well done.
I thought the way you began and ended this chapter was interesting. Not knowing anything about the story, this comment could be taken just for the face value, that parents like to meddle in their kids lives. But as the story goes on, we learn that this story is set a couple of decades into the future and the tension between the US and UK, and the opening line takes on a whole new meaning, which was really cool.
I like how you portrayed Jake and Clara’s relationship. Overtly, he seems to be only interested in her for physical reasons, but the way he held her that night seems to indicate that whether he’ll admit it or not, he really cares about her.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 2 . 11/2/2013
[Clara listened as me and Chuck moaned about our boss, our co-workers, our boss, our boss' boss, the sandwich guy, our boss…] LoL Sounds like Chuck doesn't like their boss XD
Awwww, I love Jake and Clara's relationship. It's so cute and playful and relaxed.
Oh. SOME DRAMA, but that usualy happens when shits going down between governments.
Okay, so yeah, this is going to be a story focused more on regular people rather than the world events, or worldly officials. Okay, I'm even more excited, because I find those type the best. Real people doing real shit during real times.
And I liked how you sorta tie in the multiple tensions. Like, there's def. tension going down in the outside world, well I can see it affecting the relationship between Jake and Clara. They're just not living in this fantasy world; they're allowing outside forces to affect their moods and perspectives and feelings.
I think this is going along great so far. I'm enticed by it all, and very excited since I believe this will be a story focused on characters and how they survive rather than the general population and important people who are directly tied into the war/tension.
So far, Chuck's my favorite character, but that's not to say I don't enjoy the other two either. I think these characters of yours are nicely developed and very believable.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 11/2/2013
One thing that I've noticed with your writing (involving characters that is) is that these characters of yours are very relaxed. Like, they do normal every day things, and that's a really nice quality, imo. Drinking with friends at the beginning is a great start, introducing normal people.
The exact same can be said about your dialouge. For example, while Jake is going on about life and growing up, Chuck asks if he wants another drink during the convo, and that just helps bring out the setting. It's those little things mentioned in convos that I really like finding. Like with Quentin Tarantino films and those scenes when the characters are just eating/drinking and talking about random shit. I find the same with your work, and it's awesome.
Okay, this is def. something I'm going to have to keep my eyes on. I love those paniced nuc stories, where people are hiding in fear due to nuclear warfare, or something along those lines.
[And when things went wrong, fingers hovered over big red buttons and all we could do was wait for the shit to hit the fan.] Wonderful ending here. Totally does it's job to bring out the nerves.
Also, this story got me thinking about what will happen if another world war broke out, and how dangerous life would become due to the fact nucs could start falling down. Very scary stuff. I'm excited to see how these characters (Jake, Chuck, Clare...) develope, and how far they will go to survive.
Human nature to turn cruel and animalistic in situations such as this is a great concept that I enjoy very much. So yeah, I'm excited to see where this story goes. :D
| Mistval chapter 6 . 10/24/2013
What impresses me most is how solid a grasp you have on your characters. They're real, consistent, believable, and they're only becoming more and more so as the story continues. There's a lot of characterization relative to plot movement, but there's definitely enough plot movement to keep things tense while you build on the characters, which further intensifies the plot! From your A/N it sounds like you've done some re-working of your characters, and it shows in the quality here. I definitely get the impression that you know exactly where this is going and exactly what you want.
| Mistval chapter 5 . 10/22/2013
Mercy seems like a really interesting character, too, and I like how you mentioned her just passingly in previous chapters without in any way giving away that she'd be a POV character! I really like her personality and attitude. I think this chapter could do with a little bit of compression after the first two sections but no big deal. Brilliant chapter and I look forward to the next!
| This Guy Again chapter 1 . 10/15/2013
[Blue light bounced off the walls of the other pubs and clubs around us.] There's nothing technically wrong with this sentence, but you ended the previous sentence with 'us', and then ended this one with the same. It makes it feel a little repetitive.
[Just Clara brining her pretty face straight to mine] 'brining' should be 'bringing'
[least I acted treated her decent] need to get rid of acted.
I liked this first chapter. It was kind of gritty and real in a way that you don't often find in stories here, very good. Aside from the things I mentioned I didn't see any major issues with spelling/grammar. It all flows nicely and reads fairly effortlessly. I like how it's set in the near future, that's something you don't see too often either. I'll be interested to see how this turns out.
-from the roadhouse.
| Epic Myth chapter 3 . 10/15/2013
Wow. Now this is a hard hitting and plot-driving chapter. I always saw in apocalyptic movies how people would go crazy, how riots would light up like fire and spread, how jobs would stop because nobody's going to work and everybody's worried about their families or their hide. In this chapter, our protagonist Jake is going through some serious issues, the girl he was attached to left and his Mum and sister are scared and he may or may not see him anymore.
This spells for a great, horrific, and gripping tale and we haven't even seen anything grungy or bad yet. This is really good story-telling and it is pushing us in a direction where a pivotal change is going to occur and mess up the world of our hero(es). I am really digging this story more and more, especially since I can relate and even like Jake for being Jake. He puts a new spin on being a pretty boy.
For being your third revision, you have done a great job. I can't imagine how this story was other than what I am reading right now. I applaud you for your hard work.
I love this and I want to read more of it. It has that city-scape slice of life at the beginning before things completely change and we see what happens in a world war-torn behind the eyes of these everyday people.
Good stuff. If you'll like to do a review trade kind of thing. I'm down for it.
| Epic Myth chapter 2 . 10/15/2013
Mmmm, this story is entertaining. The fact that the protagonist is a Casanova in a sense and thinks he's corrupting and destroying this young girl hits me as a great and interesting character. This chapter, with everything said and done, and chapter 1 letting us know about Jake in the get-go, this chapter reads out so much better. I could care less about the central plot and found the relationship between Clara and Jake... well... hot. No other way to talk about it, whatever Jake did to that girl, he had made one hell of a woman out of Clara. I don't think that's broken or damaged at all, I think that's just beautiful and whole.
Also, I just love the language in this story... it's hella different than the U.S. The little things like "wanker" and "mate" is different from where I am from. It's thrusting me into the story and I can feel, see, hear, taste and whatnot as the story unfolds.
At the same time, I get a feeling that if Clara is gone, I think Jake would move on and do well... his neighbor and the bar girl are lookers, especially the way you described them, quick, but enough to get my imagination going.
This is good stuff, even if it's mainly casual, it's really good story-telling and easy to follow and enjoy.
| Epic Myth chapter 1 . 10/15/2013
Hello! Hello! Epic Myth from the Roadhouse here to review a few chapters.
Starting with the beginning. I haven't read the original piece, but so far, I really like your style of writing. I can't help but enjoy it since it is similar to mine, although, my style of writing is in 3rd person and shifts from omniscient and limited. Here, it's in first person and jumps around to different views in other chapters. I've noticed its a trend done by other writers and if it's done right, it strengthens the story. Starting with Jake, I like him, I have never been to Europe and I am assuming they are in England and I can hear it from how they talked. "Mum" being the biggest example of that. Other than that, I enjoy Jake's voice and his friend is pretty bad ass. I can relate to Chuck because I am in the military, United States Marine to be exact. So him knowing how to fight is really believable and how Jake handles the situation is also pretty cool.
I really liked the action in the first half. It was sloppy, realistic, and I can see it all happening in the pub. I also liked the nicknames for the assholes, Dickheads. As for how it started, talking about how parents can fuck you up is pretty interesting and engaging. It makes sense later down the chapter when Jake talked about his family life, clueing me in on his thoughts relative to his folks and that his dad died (I can relate to that too :c ).
Find me wrong but I also appreciate his thoughts about his relationship with his girl. It spells as "real" to me and I can envision the character more as a person, fleshed out, 3 dimensional, rather than being a cardboard.
Overall, good stuff. It dragged a little in the middle when he was going into exposition about his family, but that is alright. It might be better to go into those details in the next chapter.
| CTRL-Zed chapter 4 . 10/12/2013
The entire scene at the service station was pretty awesome. I liked seeing all the different reactions people have to the imminent end of the world, especially how resigned or indifferent the clerks at the station were.
I'm still curious about where Chuck is taking Jake, but I'm sure that'll be cleared up soon.
A quick spelling / grammar check. Use the advice as you wish:
[... and I wondered how the hell he could stay of eerily calm.] - I think you mean "so" instead of "of".
[... the public just new about the products and not the names.] - I think you mean "knew" instead of "new".
["Where are we going" I asked ...] - missing a question mark.
| CTRL-Zed chapter 3 . 10/12/2013
I liked how chaotic this chapter was. There was a definite sense of everyone not exactly knowing what was going on. Your note at the end mentions that this is intentional, and I think it's a nice touch.
Quick spelling / grammar check. Use the advice as you wish:
[Nothing would happened. ] - I think you mean "happen" instead of "happened".
| CTRL-Zed chapter 2 . 10/12/2013
What I like about this story so far is that it focuses on the characters' lives, and that the impending disaster is only in the background. I like how Jack is mostly oblivious to world events, and that he only cares about getting laid. I'd like to know who called Chuck earlier in the chapter, but I guess that'll be resolved later.
A quick spelling / grammar check. Use the advice as you wish:
[... grabbing her drunk and taking light sips.] - I think you mean "drink" instead of "drunk".
| Mistval chapter 3 . 10/1/2013
When I first read "the art of the ill voice" I thought it was some kind of rapping technique xD It took me a few more lines to get what was going on. Jake's motto got a laugh out of me when juxtaposed with Caesar's quote.
This chapter seemed very intense. I swear my heart beat faster at a few points. The chaos was very believable and I think everyone can relate to what the people in it were going through in that situation. By this point I really like Jake as a character and I'm stuck in his shoes pretty solidly. He has that gruff antihero flair that reminds me of the main character from my favorite ever book series... Chronicles of Amber! I think it's ok that the background behind the whole ordeal is vague right now, the stuff you're writing about instead is more important at this point I feel.
So far this is my favorite story from you and that's saying something :D
Noticed a few typos:
"even if they hadn't made any of the last few years" in instead of of
"Nothing would happened."
"as far back as I could remember, we'd be tight with the US." been instead of be
| Mistval chapter 2 . 9/21/2013
The relationship between Jack and Clara has a lot of shades and nuance. And it sounds like Jack has been tricking himself into thinking he doesn't like her as much as he actually does, and that's coming to an end. It's a realistic and interesting relationship that seems to be changing fast.
I'm looking forward to the SHTF chapter. I'm guessing that's the next or maybe the one after that! Usually I don't get pulled into a story until the SHTF chapter but the character-building in this is going so well I'm already snared.
A few typos to pay attention to:
"Clara listened as me and Chuck moaned about our boss" moaning
"grabbing her drunk and taking light sips." drink
"They just seemed to forget all that the moment I moment on." not sure what that's supposed to be, move on?
| CTRL-Zed chapter 1 . 9/15/2013
The bar fight at the beginning was well executed. Good balance of description and action.
I like the sense of impending doom pervading the end of the chapter. Am I right to assume this takes place in the near future? I'd love to read more and see if disaster really does strike.
Quick spelling / grammar check. Use the advice however you want:
[Least I acted treated her decent.] Missing an "and" between "acted" and "decent".