|Reviews for Warhead|
| Mislav chapter 1 . 7/22
Pretty dark satirical story with an important message. Great set-up and attention to details. You said a lot in under 1k words. I "liked" how you kept the conflict escalating, until one nation developed nuclear weapons and ended up destroying the other, but also themselves in the process. Poignant. I also liked the silly names you gave to the two nations, Derpistan and Dheliwood, it really exemplified the pointlessness of war and the destruction it brings. Good bit of subversion/parody with: "They plan to cut the beards from our chins, the turbans from our heads, and the very hijabs from our women! Their HIJABS! I won't stand for it!""
The last part was chilling: "General Khalid cackled with maniacal glee as the warhead pierced the sky, trailing exhaust and wonder and death in its wake. His giggles became a raucous chortle when the mushroom cloud sprouted in the east, turning the pristine faded denim blue sky the color of rustic coins and his laughter was silenced forever when the blast radius exceeded Dheliwoods borders and flooded the country of Derpistan as well like some terrible, Apocalyptic garrison straight out of Hell.
The Arabian sea burned, firestorms danced and contorted throughout the Hindu Kush mountains and underneath the lone star and crescent moon the two countries burned as one."
Keep up the great work. I always like reading your stories.
| Ventracere chapter 1 . 11/5/2015
You know, at first I was going to mention how amusing it was to see the name, "Derpistan". I know this was supposed to be a hurmorous piece, but hell, this took a much darker turn than I expected. I liked how it hide this underlying tone to it and we can kind of see it today and in history as well. It's an arms race to the end, but to what? You highlight that incredibly well. The way you do it makes it seem like the reason they're fighting is so insignificant that they're just fighting to fight. With names like general ingenuity and derpistan, you highlight that aspect. That this fight between these two nations is ridiculous as it's characters.
Another thing that I liked was how you emphasized the dramatics of the situation. You did it in this overly bold way (not the best way to describe it), but you kept my attention. Usually I would say that the dramatics are a turn off, but this time, I think it worked in your favor. It turned up the ridiculousness in the piece, but at the same time, it highlights the overarching point of the piece, which I mentioned previously. I don't think I have to say much about the end of the piece, but as always, you surprise me with the dark turns. :))
Thanks for the read!
| DizzyRayBabe chapter 1 . 8/28/2013
I feel like you could have a good plot here, but this kind of just read like one long summary to me. Personally I'd like to see this idea expanded a lot more, why were they fighting in the first place? I did like where this was going, but perhaps too much dialogue and not enough descriptions? I don't know, I suppose those are just my tastes(:
| Vladvonbounce chapter 1 . 8/16/2013
I am not sure how I feel about this to be honest. I really like what you are trying to say with the mutual destruction of war and violence. It is very poignant and everyone should take note of it. But I think the parody aspect then cheapens it as if war and death is all just a bit silly. I am not sure which message you are trying to pass on.
I also think it would be good if at the start you mentioned a bit more about what life was like before this conflict. Emphasising peace, happiness and prosperity. It would then make the ending more bitter. I really like the last sentence, very dramatic and sad.
Also some of your grammar could be improved.
e.g "Knives?" Cried General Khalid. cried shouldn't be capitalized.
"the strongest of swords from you forges to cut down these knife wielding parasites!"- your
"His giggles became a raucous chortle when the mushroom cloud sprouted in the east, turning the pristine faded denim blue sky the color of rustic coins and his laughter was silenced forever when the blast radius exceeded Dheliwoods borders and flooded the country of Derpistan as well like some terrible, Apocalyptic garrison straight out of Hell." This sentence is too long. also apocalyptic doesn't need capitals.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 8/14/2013
[The world was covered with death. It swam in the wetness of the streams, scaled the tallest of mountain summits and laid in the fiercest of deserts. And now these heathens, these infidels bring the very teeth and claws of death straight to their border!]
These are all pretty vague descriptions. Maybe going more specific will help them stand out and help build the story/situation better. I remember you having some really nice description that were unique in your other shorts (and you have some near the end of this one, too, like the rusting machine grinding to a halt) that I've read, so I'd like to see some of that here. Even if this is just a parody or a satire, you should still treat it with an amount of skill and seriousness - and I think some specific imagery right here will really help.
["Knives?" [c]ried General Khalid.
"Aye General...knives[,]" [s]aid the Secretary of Defense, and departed.]
Your dialogue punctuation for these first few opening sentences (as well as a couple places further down) isn't correct. I've gone ahead and corrected it for you with the brackets. I don't remember you having this problem before, so maybe just some editing is needed. If you aren't 100% on how dialogue should be punctuated, there are a lot of nice guides on Google you can refer to that'll show you in depth the various rules and situations, which will help you decide when you need a comma or a period.
I really like the image you end on. Your use of color, especially describing the blue sky like denim, is really vivid, beautiful, and scary all at the same time - scary mostly because it's describing an explosion. I think this is a really nice image to end on, because it really sticks in my head.
That said, I'm not really sure what this is parodying. I get a few references that make me think of the war over in the east, but that's kinda it. But that could just be because my knowledge of current events and history is fucking abysmal, so I wouldn't really worry about that. Just thought I'd mention it in case others have this same problem, then you might want to take a step back and try to make your theme more apparent.