|Reviews for Cupcake|
| Moon Prynces chapter 1 . 9/26/2013
I have to review. Because this is an amazing story, and you are amazing for writing this.
There was something natural and easy about the way you wrote and portrayed your characters. You didn't overdo it with descriptions of them or the setting or all the emotions swirling around their heads.
It was nice to read something where the characters aren't overanalyzing the situation in ways that...make me wonder who in the hell actually does that? High schoolers? I don't know when the last time my thoughts were so overdramatic in the midst of a situation. Still, there was this subtlety behind their teasing/biting words and anxious looks and done-this-a-million-times actions. It was in the way he tensed under her fingers or sounded when questioning a next time. It was how she was seemingly afraid to go near his pants (and thus near him) to get her other shoe. It was how in denial she was at repeating the situation while he seemed eager for it to happen again.
I like how you painted a picture of what their relationship is without going into too much detail over every little thing. So...it seems they were in a relationship in the past but somehow that got screwed over – by his fault, if I'm not mistaken in interpreting that line about walls slamming up – but they have some connection that even she can't keep away from. It makes me want to know more about these characters, maybe find out what happened between them and see how it is they keep meeting up like this. Does she just show up? Are there calls or texts exchanged? Do they know the same people and run into each other often? It's so curious!
Anyway, Drew – the guy – being the one who wants more of a relationship is a distinct difference I like. He is definitely more vulnerable than he lets on. Why else would he let her keep showing up to "fuck" (his words, not mine, right?) and leave? I like his laid-back, teasing attitude about it all. He seems quite confident in their connection and that she'll always come back. But obviously he's more complex than that, yeah? Sounding hopeful at the future and bitter at the way he's being treated (with her sneaking out before he wakes) is some indication of that. But I'm glad it didn't turn into one of those "turning point" stories where he gets angry, presents his side and feelings and blahblah and gives an ultimatum.
Maya's denial was a little weirdly portrayed to me. It just reminded me of the many, many love-hate stories where writers take the "hate" part too unrealistically. They just make the characters spout the same lines over and over again to show distaste at whoever it is they're speaking with/situation being discussed. It also just seemed off how quickly you moved her from one end of the spectrum to another. First she was all irritated at being caught and in denial, then suddenly at the knowledge of her bruising him she's turned all concerned and near-maternal over it, and for a moment she's apathetic when admitting to displaying emotion. Actually, I didn't read that line ("You should recognise them. You were the one who put them there.") with any kind of emotion from her. Was it supposed to have sounded bitter or snappy or something? Hm...
The ending kind of caught me off guard. But I love you for not using the word "love". At all. It was so damn refreshing. I've gotten so sick of people sticking that in there without even trying to develop their characters or the character's relationship or just making me believe in what they're writing. Thank you so much for not jumping the gun there. They just honestly seemed like two people with a kind of messed up relationship that was still working for them. There wasn't too much push and pull, with one character forcing the other to attempt his/her feelings and inevitably get together in the cliché way rom-coms do. (No offense to rom-coms, I watch my fair share...) Anyway, my point was that I liked how they (she) still couldn't deny their attraction and went full-force right back into it.
It was actually really hot. Even better that you addressed how she just leapt into his arms. Most of the time it's way too cheesy and unreal, but you had those lines about how it was "almost too graceful" or seemingly choreographed. You totally brought it back down to earth with lines like those.
I think you used the word "sensor" when you meant "censor" but I don't think there were any other mistakes. Anyway, I would love to read more from you but hopefully a more complete story. This seems like just one scene in the middle of something, or like a slice of the character's lives. It makes me want more. It makes me want to read about them and get to know them and understand them and see how things play out.
Your writing was unique in that there wasn't too much "he said, she said" to indicate dialogue. It was usually followed with an abrupt action or reaction to their situation. There was constant movement in this one scene, what with Maya trying to make a getaway and all that. And you wrote in present tense, which isn't done too much.
I would've reviewed last week when I first read this, but I was feeling too lazy. But when I saw you only had one review, I knew I definitely had to come back and leave some feedback!
Seriously, you need to write some more stuff. XD Keep up the awesome work!
| je ne veux pas travailler chapter 1 . 8/16/2013
This was really good. I'd like to see more f these two.