As per usual I am not surprised. Beautiful work! I truly felt myself take a breath with Nay...freedom. Amazing and hope to read more

Your writing has got so much better than since the first time I read it. I really enjoyed this chapter, the descriptions are wonderfully evocative and it was nice ending with a battle with dryads, will be interesting to see how that goes. Unfortunately because there is so much beautiful description of everything the action of the story can be a little bit slow.
"he crossed the path of the impetious arrow" should be impetuous

Hi! Yayy for an update! Although there is sometimes too much description, I think that the chapter flowed very smoothly! You do action scenes quite well and I really feel like I can see what's happening. The emotions Nay is feeling are always described well!

"Two pools of liquid onyx carved holes of fire right into his being." - I really liked this sentence a lot! Beautifully written.

Great job! Update soon :)

-Veronica

How can womanly curves envelop oddly? Just wondering.

That was really good and interesting., make sure you update soon!

I don't know if this is a matter of preference and/or style, because I looked at reviews other people have left to see if they feel the same way I do, but I feel like some of these descriptions are too overdone and purple prose-y. Especially the ones in the beginning. The simile of someone's arms flailing like venomous snakes just creates this really weird image inside my head. While I enjoy the uniqueness of the similes and I love that you're not straying into cliches, I think they're a little overwrought. They come off as way too dramatic - and they're everywhere. I think every other sentence has a long-winded simile or metaphor, to the point where I'm not sure where I am in the story anymore.

I'm also conflicted with the general tone of the story, because I feel like it comes across as a little too...pretentious, maybe. So perhaps the overdone descriptions are a side-effect of the narrator's tone. Just something to think about. Honestly, only a few paragraphs in, there were a few times where I wanted to roll my eyes because I felt like the prose was trying too hard to bedazzle me. Plus, I think all these metaphors and similes sacrifice clarity, because as they're falling through the sky I'm a little confused as to what exactly is going on. So I think cutting back on the description and being more succinct will only help you with that, because when your descriptions get to the point of overwhelming, the reader doesn't get a chance to actually experience the story, you know? They're too busy trying to picture simile after simile, until it gets to be too much. Like I said, you have some really beautiful similes, I just think you need to use them more sparingly in order to help them leave a greater impact. If you're surrounded by beauty 24 / 7, that beauty becomes bland and expected. But if you only see beauty every so often, you'll notice it every time you see it as a welcome surprise. The same can be true for similes/descriptions.

I suggest reading some modern YA fiction, since this plot seems to best fit that genre. It might help you get a better grip on what type of tone normally appeals to that audience, if you do intend to one day publish.

Hmm, I'm not sure why I couldn't really get through this piece - I might blame my frame of my mind for it, but I will admit that the descriptions are a bit heavy and oppressive. Usually, I like imagery and also like long-winded descriptions, but I really think that the heavy descriptions here bog down the pacing a lot, and I felt an incredible need to skim this chapter. My advice would be to break up the sentences a bit or alternate the syntax - the secret of using heavy imagery is to vary the sentences in a story, so that the style still comes across as breezy. Sorry for harping about this, but I just wanted to be helpful?

It's just that towards the end I really got lost in a sea of descriptions, and that greatly deterred my enjoyment, because I think the prose could have been so much lighter, while keeping those pretty images.

BUT I did like the descriptions in general. They're very visual and vivid, creating an image in my brain. I especially like how you describe the setting in its eerie oppressiveness - it seems very much alive and haunting. I also like how you describe the little girl - she's so tiny, unaware and yet totally nonchalant. I like that.

I was confused, though, by the sudden intrusion of the second POV. It was really jarring though I get what you meant - it's just that for some readers this 'he' switch might get really confusing. I'd either have just kept with one POV or made the introduction of the new character clearer through its own scene.

Hmm, I like this chapter overall though, and I'm sorry for the crit - but again, it's just me trying to be helpful :) ?

Okay Your Hook IS AMAZING my friend. Just perfection 3 You keep it mysterious, sweet and short. But, I think you could have added more detail at the beginning. Like you do for the rest of the chapter.

How you described the girl was great though. The whole story was described amazingly.

Except at the end. I understand you trying to make this mysterious, more detail would be nice though. But it was great. I swear, I'm very impressed.

Maybe by making it a bit more detail in some parts, it would also add in chapter length.

This was, like, an entirely new level of badass. Aurellia becoming this cool chick in but an instant is a great pretext to change the settings and I think you've done an amazing job describing the transition in Nay's head from loathing to worshipping. Really made me believe every word.

As always, I'm more than eager to read on!

This chapter has some really great imagery in it, quite poetic - from the first paragraph and then throughout - but your descriptions specifically of Aurelllia were the descriptions that really captured me. I liked the language like "two onyx pools" for describing eyes and the the serpent woman who I think - overtakes Aurellia? The only downfall was that I kind of got a little confused about what was really happening, but I kind of liked that ambiguity too, because it reflects how disorientated Nay is while all this is going on, until he finally sees Aurellia and then basically becomes her knight.

The ending, patterned with "go make me proud" was a great device that I liked because it broke up the rhythm of the thicker descriptions and really pounds that thought not only to Nay, but also the reader to great effect. Well done!

Once again the detail was suppurb. The opening descriptive language was wonderful. I also enjoyed the interaction between your two mains.

I did notice that this chapter was significantly longer than the other three. If this were a physical book I wouldn't have noticed but in fictionpress land I would suggest dividing this into two chapters. Just for ease of the reader.

I think Aurellia is such a complex and interesting character. I love how loathed she is by Nay, yet she is also described as being unassuming. Her struggle to "become a woman" fascinates me, and I was really intrigued by her outburst towards Nay as well as his *need* to comfort her afterward. Really great stuff going on here. Keep up the good work.

Juliet.

Again, I'm enjoying where the ploit is headed. You've managed to show a steady incline of events that build with each new chapter, this one being no exception. I also think your doing a good job with description and detail. The flight (and maybe 'drop' more so in this chapter) were very vivid and clear.

One thing I would suggest improvement on is some of the characterization, particularly why Nay and Aury interact the way they do. You've hinted at this, but I think it would really help to go into more detail about their contempt for each other, why they are with each other etc. I like the dynamic that you have, but I would like to understand it better.

Juliet.

I'm a bit confused if the creature and the girl are Now and Aurrellia or if the creature was just lamenting on two people that it knew before the war.

I loved the detail that you utilized in this. Everything about the sky and flight and how the girl was apprehensive about being so far off the ground. I also really liked the back story information about the war and the elf, I think its a good strategic move to start explaining that here i.e. chapter two rather than in the previous chapter because it would have come across as being too info dumpy. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next.

Juliet.

I really liked the closing statement of the opening section: "childish laughing etc" I think that shows and describes the scene really strongly. I disagree with the straight dialogue in this section though, I think it would create a stronger moment if you added something like "he said" followed by a little description. You don't have to go overboard, but something more would really enhance the moment.

The only critique I have with the body of the rest of the chapter is the use of he\she. I think especially as of chapter one you should introduce the characters to the reader, and unlease their names are secret I think it does more harm then good to withhold them.

I liked how you have a lot of plot here and I think the story so far is really interesting. I also liked the closing dialogue tag about masquerades, I liked how it tied in with the chapter title and how you used the dialogue to show the reader the wisdom of the character.

Juliet.

Hey there. Just wanted to tell ya this story's freakin awesome. I really love how Nay acts the tough guy but then Aurellia comes and makes something in a 'I'm more a man than you'll ever be' style. Just so damn badass. And yey for grown up Aurellia! Bet your ass she's gonna be hot.

Just update soon, please'