Hey there, I love your use of descriptions in this fic. You're very good at creating a meaningful mood and atmosphere with the use of that and I like how you presented the characters.
You mixed people with description, creating an inviting setting that isn't too dynamic that people don't understand what's going, despite the tantalizing prologue you had in the italics.

As for dislike, I can't say much so but at certain points you tend to ramble a bit with your descriptions, turning them into more stream of consciousness than pertinent details so I suggest you pay heed to that.
All in all, well done.

(senatorblitz)

hi there!

so, hm, i think the part that was most interesting to me about this chapter was finding a little bit more about the angel and where he had come from? i also wonder at why he is called an "angel" when this seems to be an alternate universe. by which i mean, there would be winged man-creatures, but to specifically call them angels implies allegience to at least the world that we are living in? unless this is part of what you were describing earlier when you mentioned a collision of worlds?

i am also intrigued by the continued elaboration of the relationship between the girl and the angellic creature. his disdain for her is very strong, which is weird since he was once so protective over her. i also would like to understand how /old/ this child actually is as she shows a great capacity for manipulation as well as what looks like some real power to cause destruction. it really sets up for what could be an explosive partnership. i also love the idea that he might have killed

i think the twist where he tried to scare her and ended up having to save her was the greatest metaphor for the enslavement that he is in. the way he would do anything to be rid of her but is bound by the ties he has signed - very nicely done and a great way to establish that idea early on.

the rest of my cc is really going to have to focus on writing. i'm going to try not to repeat what anyone else has said, but the prose in this story is still a bit over the top and purple. while i understand and laud your use of more formal language to tell your story, it has superceded it's characters and superceded the story to the point that your action is in super slow motion and has to be re-read multiple times before it is integrated. this is really affecting not only your pacing, but your character development. so while you will have gems of characterization such as his whole thing regarding the girl he was sworn to protect, but that is wrapped up in SHEATHS of prose and the reader ends up having it pushed out of his mind by things that are inconsequential such as what direction the wind is going, you know?

i really want to engage in your world because the concept seems so novel but the style is making it really hard for me. i still cannot hear your author-voice. not that you don't have one, but it isn't coming through as strongly as it could because of the wordiness. cut down on the number of words you choose to say things, without changing the formal nature. describe /certain/ things, not everything. for example, in the flying, i would have been more interested in what it felt for him to fly holding someone, rather than what his wings looked like and what they were doing. the same goes for your characters' voices. i know you have to make them speak formally, but there isn't even a difference in the style of their speaches that characterizes them. He is a man. She is a girl. They should not sound the same...

lastly, and i hope i am understanding this correctly, but the aurellia in the story he remembers of him and his brother is the same girl that has enslaved him now, am i correct? if i am, that REALLY needs to be made clearer because it actually took a while to figure that out. I think you might need to either make the perspective clearer or have that as an actual scene instead of a remembered one. mystery is all very well and good, but this is a bit too much in that there is so much that we don't know that we are dangerously close to not caring because its too confusing.

i am sorry if i have been harsh, and if i have misunderstood anything, please correct me! i talk a lot and motor a lot and have no tact, heh. but anyway, this is actually interesting and i shall keep reading!

I really liked reading this! It was kinda freaky though, especially the shadow part. I also liked the start of this story because if the vow (promise), and the way it was said.

I'm curious about the little girls character, as well as the male character. I bet the girl has room for great character development too.

Good start to your story.

-Shanny

I liked that the words that you used enabled me to easily imagine what you were trying to show. I also really appreciate that this story is so creative. Don't think I've read something like it before.

One thing I would say to work on is your word usage/ characterization in this first chapter. For example, "I'm so not going to do anything good to you" might become something more sinister if you ask questions about what the black hand creature you created is/what its intentions are. It seems that you could have hinted at that and might not have wanted to make the story too dark, but I think that there are ways to say what you want while still accomplishing that.

Also, if the dialogue at the very beginning of this chapter is meant to be a prologue/intro of sorts, please expand on it! It was pretty intriguing for me to read. I know it can be hard because you don't want to give away things that you want to save for later, but I think this part of your story could be better. You might consider how/where the two characters met, for example, rather than what they said only.

Hi from Review Game.
I love the opening to this, it drew me right in with the idea of someone vowing but doing so reluctantly. Also the fact you didn't give an indication of who were speaking made me want to read on.
I like how you continued the mystery with the little girl going on her journey without really giving her purpose and your reference to her size and how frail she is. The only thing I found difficult about this was that there were lots of paragraphs of description which maybe went on too long. I would probably start with the girl rather than the description of the sky.

With the description of the man, were his wings attached to his back or do you mean they grew out of his back? The first doesn't make them sound as though they are part of his body but rather something he wears.
The dialogue between the two characters was interesting and it seemed that the girl was the one holding the power in the relationship. The guardian angel (if that is what he is) doesn't really seem to be that fond of her which echoes how you started off and links back to the initial dialogue. The girl sounds very mature so it made me question if she is all that she seems. It definitely got me interested.

I really liked the figurative language that you used to describe the dragon, especially the bit with "claws like heavy maces" - that was a good use of imagery and it also conjures up all sorts of images of medieval violence that really fit well, a dragon, haha. The opening short sentences also did a great job to convey the general shock of such a creature on Nay's part, and I liked the thoughtful reactions when he was taking inventory of the dragon's features.

I liked the line about Aurellia greeting danger like and old and dear friend too, and her attitude as they approached the monument because it did a good job characterizing her fearlessness and Nay's hesitance in the way that he interprets her words. I also liked the bit where she revealed she knew how to read the runes and Nay kept persistently asking how she knew - it's good to leave some mysteries about her character and I like how ambiguous her background is sometimes because it keeps things quite lively and interesting. Overall a good chapter :)

There's a line here I'm quite confused about that Nay says - he says something like Aurelia looks at him like she just found out that "Santa Claus was real" and that did several things for me, haha - it told me that Nay knows who Santa Claus is, that they must have come from our reality and a time that is contemporary-ish and also Western (because they're talking about Santa Claus instead of St. Nick or something else) and it also tells me that even Aurelia probably knows who Santa Claus is - which then leads me to believe that there is of course a God, a Jesus, a Christmas, a religious center - and also traditions of kids around a Christmas tree with gifted presents. It's just a little too revealing and I feel like it contradicts so much that's happening setting-wise in this novel and frankly, like I said, it really confused me. What time period are they actually in and where are they? Where did they come from (Earth, obviously since they know about Santa Claus)...but they went through a portal so they're not on Earth anymore or something(?) and also - I thought this story had demons and supernatural things happening in it and I didn't assume it was contemporary so I guess just that one mention really messed up my perception of the story. Perhaps either take it out or just make sure that you're establishing these basic setting things: when, where - very clearly so that we understand that Nay knows a lot about Western culture.

There's so much of that myth thrown in here - Pandora's Box and Pegasus and also religious contemporary symbols - like Nay being an angel, Aurelia like a demon. It feels like it's being thrown in all together and I'm just not sure I've had time to get my bearings... Much of this confusion might also stem from the first chapter - I remember things were so heavily described that I had some trouble figuring out where Earth-wise they were, or if they are in a Fantasy world that's nothing like our own. Perhaps reading more will clarify for me - sorry for all my confusion :(

That being said! I really did like the descriptions in this chapter and the dialogue and I think you did a good job balancing the two out. I also liked the imagery of Aurelia covered in mud and Nay's big stance on spitting and human beings - he seems quite disenchanted with them and I think his reaction shows a lot of his personality as well. The ending of this chapter was also great - it built up to the dragon wonderfully and I thought you did a good job portraying the conflict that Nay was undergoing action-wise. "Ate and lived and ate to live" was a fun line because of its poetic repetition. I also liked it when Aurelia declared she was going to keep the Mandra as a pet, heh. Nay's reaction was great. Keep it up!

I liked this chapter. It's nice to see Nay and Aurellia's relationship grow. I like the addition of the pet (I hope she survives the next chapter). The reveleation about Aurellia loving Nay's brother was a bit surprising. It makes me wonder what happened to him. Was that before Aurellia became a spirit walker?

In terms of areas for improvement, I find Nay's diologue to be incosistent. Sometimes he's very proper. Other times he's very casual and snarky. I like both (especially the snarky) but I wish there was either consistency or reason to why he's one way or the other in any given situation.

Also, I mentioned it before. I don't love how much Nay always says to the reader that he hates Aurellia. I think it can be said less and shown/implied more.

Again another good chapter. Thank you for sharing!

Okay, now I know what kind of being she is, pretty creepy. It's pretty interesting how your story gives me two different feelings. The tone of your writing isn't extremely dark, but the knowledge of Nay's hopelessness and impending death, makes a nice contrast and gives the story a creepy ambiguity, which is really cool.

One thing I found was the stacking of ad-verbs, i.e. "... excruciatingly slowly and darkly.", I don't know enough about grammar to call it outright wrong, but it seems a bit awkward. I can also use this example sentence to explain something I've found in a few places. How is it you approach someone darkly? I understood her malevolence from your other great depictions. Darkly didn't really add to the description or give me some direct connection. Most of your descriptions are spot on, but make sure not to use words that wont fill a function for a reader. Hope this example helps (and that it made sense) :) And know that there aren't many other things to criticize.

Back to positive notes. I'm starting to like this story more by every chapter. The tension between Nay and Aurelia seems to be escalating, which is a very efficient hook to keep me reading.

I liked that you've started weaving in a little more direction. Aurellia has a goal now - becoming an adult. I think you have some more duologue which helps develop the characters in a more interesting way.

You always have very catching opening hooks and ending sentences to peak interest. A little more obvious conflict and maybe some more characters for the duo to interact with would go a long way. I read your ending not and I'm excited to see the direction you have in mind for the story, It might help to go back a bit an clean up these chapters (especially the opening) to leave more breadcrumbs of where you're going (but that can wait for the editing stage).

As always, thank you for sharing!

I'll like both the start and end of the chapter.

There was some weirdness with the description of the worlds colliding in terms of relationships. Some of them just felt forced to me.

To be honest, I don't know if I love him constantly telling us he hates her. I wish they had a little better banter that could flesh out their relationship in a way that is a little more complicated and entertaining to read. Right now I'm struggling to get on side of not wanting her to die even though I know that would end the story.

I still love a lot of the mysteries. I am curious about the worlds out or alignment. I'm curious about what happened to Nay's brother - why did she kill him and leave Nay alive? Is Nay's brother still out there?

I'd really like to see them get some general direction sometime soon. A journey or a goal or something.

Anyways. I'm really liking it so far.

I actually liked this chapter much better than the first one. It sets up a big evil - the darkness. We have the mystery of why Nay agreed to be a slave. The worlds are out of alignment and crazy stuff is going to happen. In some ways, I kind of wish you had started with this chapter (or parts of it). Their relationship is a little weird. I find sometimes the duologue seems a little too convenient, as if to get across specific relationship or plot points and sometimes doesn't feel entirely natural. Although I'm not sure if that's deliberate me make people sound other worldly.

All in all, I liked it (well this is the first of 3 chapters I'm reviewing for the review game)

I really appreciated getting more of a wider idea of the setting in this chapter. I think it was smart to start with the Wonderland explanation at the opening and give us some exposition on what's happening as far as where they've ended up. I'm not sure if this is the same place they were in Chapter One, but I do get the sense of course that they've been moving and now they're in a place stripped of life, which poses some good plot foreshadow in the ending, and I liked that as well. So overall - your setting serves you in this chapter in a great way.

Aurelia is very unique for a character who is a main and I like that because I get the sense like she isn't such a nice person, almost kind of evil - I mean, she's very wicked, or she comes across just so. Her relationship with Nay feels very toxic, and I felt sympathy for him when Aurelia was calling him her "slave" and everything. She comes across as very bratty - but I like in this chapter that Nay observes she's also been struggling with the fact she is not in a woman's body, but a child's. It kind of reminds me - well, of the famous example, of the girl from the Vampire Chronicle series by Anne Rice. Especially even her relationship with Nay since it's just as toxic as that girl's relationship with Lestat. If you haven't read any of those books, I'd recommend!

Writing was heavy here but not so much in a negative way - I like that you've evened things out with dialogue and plot and I feel like this story is finally taking off! :)

What kind of demon is Aurelia? I'm becoming more curious by every chapter. This story is growing on me, mainly carried by the interaction between Nay and Aurelia. It's especially interesting how you use clichéd love phrases and exchange love with hate. I simply interpret that as some indication how he hates her with a passion.

Most parts of this chapter made sense to me, but I still wonder how that portal opened but I guess that's an oddity to your world. An oddity that adds to the intrigue.

I still see plenty of lengthy descriptions which can be good since it leaves few thing to the imagination, and less good because it leaves few things to the imagination. It's somewhat of a question of style and I do like the nice imagery you got going, but make sure to have everything in moderation.

Something I found especially funny was the "If we die, I'll kill you." it is a great contrast to everything else that's happening, and it made me laugh. While speaking of contrasts, I think that is something you do nicely. I interpret Nay and Aurelia a bit like opposites because of the contrasts in their descriptions, and if that's intended it's well done.

Nice ending to this one. I highly suspected that something was wrong with the girl, but she's just evil. I liked how the background worked like a buildup for events in the present, it gave the last sentence ridiculous weight and significance.

About possible improvements: outspread could simply be spread. I think I save a space that had disappeared somewhere (very helpful indeed) like "andthe" or something similar. My mind wants to focus on the story rather than the writing, so I can't remember noticing much more.

Your explanation about the worlds and the wars was pretty interesting, but it was a lot information to process. You will probably need to explain it bit by bit in action if you want to remove all confusion. Although it is a good premise for a rich story.

The things that would make me read on at the moment is the interesting relation between Nay and the girl, and my curiosity about the past and the worlds