{Four rows of teeth and rotten flesh between them} Change 'and' to 'with' {Four rows of teeth with rotten flesh between them}

Another thing, you used 'she' alot where you could've used her name 'Auriella' This is just a suggestion.

I really enjoyed hearing about where Magic came from and how it is slowly disappearing. It was a very nice, fresh version.

{Her breath smelled of death, "Are you afraid of Satan?"} I loved this line. Sent chills down my arms to read. Your way of using words to describe things truly is mind blowing. And then the part when Nay clawed out his own heart, truly skin crawling.

There was a LOT of info and diologe in this chapter, which isn't a bad thing but I would've made this into two chapters so it would've been easier to read, but that's just what I think. Other than that, I think you have a very interesting story. You certainly have a good hand for writing fantasy.

Very interesting, though also confusing. I don't really understand what is going on, or why. At some points I thought I got it, then something else is mentioned and I'm lost again. That may also be because I have only read the first three chapters only, and I need to read further to get the concept. Also, especially in the first chapter, all the paragraphs seemed to start off the same (He, The, She, etc.). On the other hand, your characterization of Nay is very good. Keep at it.

I really liked the pace of this story, especially the relationship between Nay and Aureilla. At the beginning they both seem equally annoyed by each other ; ) But as the chapter continued it was clear that their relationship is VERY complex.

I liked how to describe the Pegases body, that it's not the same as a horse's would be. And the Mandra Very interesting. Can't wait to see what happens next with the dragon. I think the story is processing nicely, not to fast not to slow.

On to chapter 6 : )

I generally like this story this far. Although I should point out that your writing is rather heavy, with plenty of long and wordy descriptions. This is neither bad nor good since I get a clear image of what's happening and the imagery becomes rather impressing. But make sure that it doesn't become too 'heavy', since it could make it inconvenient to read.

There was a typo in the first line after the line break: '... or the on the verge of twilight.' An extra 'the' slipped it's way into this sentence. I think there were a few other typos but they weren't as noticeable and nothing that I remember now, which means that they weren't too major.

'... I'm so not doing you anything good.' Made me laugh since it was such a great contrast to the tension you were creating.

Throughout this chapter you build up a picture of the girl like she's a really complex character, I just don't know everything yet. This is great and keeps the interest of the reader. Additionally the relation between the angel and the girl is intriguing as well.

Well done

Easy-Fix Review for the Review Game
I like the way your sentences were formed, in that it seemed almost effortless, and your cohesion is strong, as your mix of sentence structures not only add to effect but join ideas effectively, which is an exceedingly good trait.

I'd just like a little imaginative, sparkling description in your writing, though, and maybe a little shortening of sentences in the dialogue. Of course, you don't have to be Fitzgerald-esque in symbolism, but in parts I see you could've chosen more imaginative language. For example, instead of using "small in every way possible", you could use "miniature, dwarfed by the misshapen branches that swirled around her, threatening her with doors of anger, hate and despair" or something to that effect, since I ramble a lot.

What I also like about this piece is the introductory dialogue. I thought that it was well created, as your effect was brought across effectively in comparatively few words, which is a trait rarely seen and especially needed in both genres that I see you've assigned to this piece.

Now this was a VERY long chapter. Personally, I tend to drift away from really long chapters, reading and writing them, simply because there is so much going.

I loved the beginning line about 'Wonderland' and the mystery, magic of it all. A great description without going on and on.

Edits

{She asked in a voice that was literally dripped with curiostiy} Are you trying to say she's drooling? If not, remoe the 'literally' from the sentence. {She asked in a voice full of curiostiy}

{You ignorant little chore.} I don't know if you meant to have it as 'chore' but if not, I think you meant to write 'whore'

Everything I wrote is simply a suggestion.

Edits

{The wind was as fierce as any primal beast} When you write, always try to elimate as many 'as' as you can. Only use them if you need them. {The wind was fierce as a primal beast} It's the same thing only easier to read.

{The two bodies which were lost into the whirlwind} Here is another example, often you don't need 'filler' words as I call them. {The two bodies were lost in the whirlwind} Whenever I write a chapter, I always go back and try to elimate all 'as, has, had, and which' For me, it seems to make the chapter much more cleaner without all the extra words.

It was good how you describe that one character was afriad of flying while the other enjoyed. Thumbs up : )

All in all, a very interesting chapter. Can't wait for the next one.

heylo! this is the blitz third of the cybersheep trilogy! i thought i'd drop by and check your story out! first the goods before the cc!

so, i was initially drawn to this story by the concept of an unfaithful angel - like what in the world would /that/ be? it is a great teaser concept especially since i do not think that you meant unfaithful in the romance sphere. And this brought up really interesting questions such as - how is one who is unfaithful a guardian? and why would you accept such a situation? so I really liked that

I also give kudos to the fact that you carried this idea into the lil' prologue bit in the beginning, especially the way the guardian (at least i believe it is he) says, "only if you knew how much i didn't want to".

the other strength of this openning chapter is that your dialogue flows well. There wasn't much of it since this is introductory, but i really liked the bits that i did. it managed to ground the characters and give them shape which is especially important since the narrator's voice is so strong here it makes it harder to "hear" the characters.

Also, omg, you have wonderful grammar and diction. i couldn't find anything wrong with anything in here! It was a nice change of pace from wandering into things written like spellcheck isn't working :)

in terms of cc: i think you might want to dial back the voice of the narrator a bit? as said before it is a bit overpowering and it makes the story seem more 'telly' than showy so much that i had to read parts with action over to make sure i knew what had happened. also, there is a bit of an overuse of adjectives, which sometimes weighs your sentences down. i only mention this because you do have a way with description but it gets maligned by how many adjectives there actually are in the sentence.

other than that this was a very strong beginning, and i am glad i got to read it! :)

The limits of your imagination are .. completely reachless. I just don't understand ... how did you managed to write something like this. It's unbelievable. God given talent. I can't even envy ( or be sure that I'm not writing something that makes no sense xd ) Uhmm , well ... I guess I'll just say that I'm waiting for the next chapter impatiently, so I don't make more dumb grammar mistakes. xD

P.S.: Is it bad if i'm imagining the new "woman" Aurellia as a female version of our beloved Uchiha Sasuke ? xDD ( you know i'm kiddin' right .. although it really ran through my mind for a second xd )

I liked the story. The way both characters have this unemotional relationship that they are so dependant on each other is interesting. It seems like the idea is that the angel is unemotional but shows it on the outside, whereas the little girl hides her emotions, but has them underneath (although, I kind of felt like the angel really cared for her).

To be honest, I'd like a little more information about what's happening. Why is the monster's motivation for going after the girl, is she special, or is she tresspassing, or is it something else all together?

It's been awhile since I read the previous chapter so I can't remember if this is a continuation of the first chapter, but I think revisiting the setting details (even if it is a continuation) would be worth thinking about in this opening scene, because I have no idea where they are right now and what to picture for their surroundings. Without a setting to ground the reader and scene, I just imagine the characters as disembodied voices. Since the opening scene is pretty short, that disembodiment might be intentional - I wasn't sure so I thought I'd point it out.

I think your narration in this chapter is a lot clearer than in the previous one. I remember the previous one being bogged down with a lot of purple prose-y writing, but not so much with this one, which makes it a lot easier to read and follow. You have a nice variation with your syntax as well, which gives reading the story a nice rhythm and makes it a lot more immersive.

HI :) this has been really great so far! Awesome detail and I could feel the excitement!

I'm not completely sure what was actually happening in this chapter but picking up context clues from the title of this chapter and then from the previous one towards the end I'm just on a basic level going to guess they fell through some sort of portal or something. I'm not quite sure on why or where they ended up that was different from their other location, but I thought you did a good job describing the sheer surprise and exhilaration that had to do with the flight and then the fall.

Honestly, I don't really care for Aurelia very much. She kind of comes off as a little bit of a brat in my opinion, but I do feel sympathy almost for Nay. I haven't seen anything from him yet that's too terrible for what he does to Aurelia and the "obey" moment was rude, but I think it's good to have really dynamic characters and I do like that she seems kind of bratty. It gives her room for growth. The bit with the black raven and the doll was a little too lacking in depth for me - it's very obviously a metaphor but it seems to really come out of nowhere, built into the story because it's a story and not because it makes sense in the world they're apart of - unless allegorical signs appear there often to represent the people, in which case, perhaps I'm wrong. That being said, again I did like the developments and descriptions here - I feel like perhaps sometimes you err on purple prose which isn't always a good thing, but for the most part this is good writing.

Things are very strange in this world and even in this situational relationship, so I look forward to seeing where things might be explained a little more given their actual quest. It's enough to make a reader want to continue reading :)

I liked your description of flight and attention details to the wings because I thought it showed great use of imagery. I also really liked the setting because you do a good job hinting at the different things that make this world strange and unique, especially the bit with the purple skies. The ending did a good job making the reader want to read on, too, and it feels very dramatic.

Very exciting action in this installment! I think the way you describe the dragon is very effective. But even though the scenes with the dragon are lots of fun (and scary) the interactions between Aurellia and Nay I found to be the most fascinating aspect of the chapter.

Here are some notes:

"The wings were huge and glorious, the delicate seeing-through membrane between the heavy bones taut against the wind."

Nice, vivid description above, but 'transparent' would work better in my opinion than 'seeing-through'.

"There was an art to how it would inhale oxygen through its nostrils and then exhale it in the form grey puffs, Nay thought."

I would edit the sentence above, something along the lines of, 'The creature inhaled oxygen through its massive nostrils and exhaled sculpted grey puffs,'. I don't think you need "Nay thought" because we know he's thinking and seeing this.

"A ray of lunar light pierced the forest of forgotten spirits, drawing a shining path through the lines of giant threes."

'Trees' not 'threes' :)

"Aurellia inserted herself inside the water without breaking another word with him. Almost no splatter."

I'd trim the sentence above. Try, 'Aurellia slipped through the rushing water without another word, creating barely a splash.'

"He looked at her with a frown, and even he could understand he probably looked like a tart and grouchy ten-year-old."

"a tart" ? 'Tart' usually means, well, a prostitute, or acting like a prostitute. I don't think that's what you mean. Try 'sour' or 'bitter' or just cut it. ;)

"The roaring wall of writhing falling water was left somewhere in the distant background."

Cut 'writhing'. Only living things writhe – like snakes and worms. I think the sentence works better without that extra adjective anyway.

"I must say, I savored bigger expectations for this place."

I'd change 'savored' to 'had'. You can't really savor an expectation. You savor something you have experienced, not something that hasn't yet occurred. Maybe someone with super vivid precognition could savor an event that has yet to happen. ?

"These runes were probably carved during the youthful days of the waterfall,"

'Youthful' waterfall? Maybe 'probably carved when the waterfall was first formed' might work better. :)

This is good:

"The Creators of the Net are said to come from elsewhere. Somewhere outside the worlds we know."

"He knew this dance of words could end up being a waste of time for the prostrate one,"

Who is 'the prostrate one', or who is lying face down on the ground? I'm confused.

Very good:

"I am not an empty shell," she growled through gritted teeth.

This next part is great:

""Stop talking," she warned him, her voice low and dripping with bubbling rage."

But I would cut 'dripping'. Something can't bubble and drip really. The line is stronger without 'dripping' I feel.

"I have inherited the one you heard me utter from elsewhere."

I'm a little confused how it is possible for Aurellia to 'inherit' knowledge of an ancient magic language.

"You don't just have something like this handed over by charity people." 'charitable' not 'charity'.

Very good:

""What these brain lacking, oblivious creatures did not know was that scripts are the fuel of magic. ""

Like this part too:

"He felt the overwhelming power of her mind penetrating his senses, and his upper body moved on its own without permission, bending over so she could whisper in his ear."

"The bad thing about dragons was that they basically didn't die."

Yup!

Great, wonderful ending:

"Before him stood a woman."

I can't wait to find out what happens next! Please update soon.

Very best.

Claremonty