Hi, I read your review, which I thought was interesting, and it captured my attention enough to make me read your story. Some excellent writing here, with moving descriptive passages. Although I really liked your first paragraph, I am not generally a fan of starting with the weather. For me, the paragraph could have come later. I immediately warmed to the little girl. Does she have a name? Naming her might have just made her come even more alive. One tiny quibble with filthy looking. Why not just say filthy. As Stephen King comments in his book on writing, the best advise he ever got was from an editor who told him to cut 10% of the words out. Likewise with humble indifference. Either she is humble or she is indifferent. Difficult to be both. I really enjoyed the way you played with her emotions here though, showing how hard life is for her. Another example here: rapidly approaching in smooth and disturbingly fast movements. Rapidly is redundant since you already say that in fast. Another example of redundancy here: occurred as fast as lightning and smashingly sudden. However, these criticisms are only meant to point out a slight tendancy to verbosity. Your writing is beautiful, drawing the read in with both the character and the quality of your word choice. You mention you speak 4 languages, well that is trully amazing, and it shows just what a master of words you are. What a surprising and wonderful end to this chapter. I must read more.

Oh my God, a freakin' dragon?! That was awesome developement. Seriously, I didn't see this one coming.

And Aurellia actually loves Noa? Unless she's toying with Nay again and lies to his face... Jesus, this is getting more complicated by the second. And this puma thing really spiced things up. I'm really curious what this sword that came out of the flame can do... Is it magical too?

Man, man, so many questions are left hanging after reading this chapter. But the biggest one: WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY GOINNA DO WITH THE FREAKIN' DRAGON?!

UPDATE SOON, I BEG YOU! 33

I thought this was good. I enjoyed your descriptive prose, it was very vivid. There were some impressive similes - for example: "...fingers similar to the grotesquely arched tree branches." I thought the imagery was the best part overall.

The conversation at the end was entertaining too. While the seriousness of the imagery suggested a very 'arch' piece of writing, the exchange between the girl and angel really humanized the narrative. We got some insights into their relationship - her demands ("Now hug me tighter") is what really convinced me this was an innocent little girl we are reading about. The angle also seemed quite funny, quite quirky. I hope his character develops further.

My main gripe, which almost put me off reading, was the opening paragraph after the italics. I thought the prose was clumsy and in places a bit chatty for my taste:

The skies sunk into the deepest shades of purple, the kind that you only get to see at dawnbreak or on the verge of twilight. Given that it was neither nor, the color couldn't help but arouse suspicion towards what exactly the surrounding air consisted of.

I hope this isn't too forward, but I wanna suggest a re-write. The rest of the writing was so much better that this opening does you no favours. It just needs simplifying to declutter it. For example, you could say:

"The sky sunk into the deepest shades of purple, the kind you only see at dawn or the on the verge of twilight. Given that it was neither, the colour couldn't help but arouse suspicion as to the composition of the surrounding air."

I apologize if that was inappropriate, I hope I have been helpful.

The introduction in the chapter was great and out of all the chapters this one caught my attention most. Magia Inferna sounds pretty nifty. I want to see this fountain that produces the thread of life. It’s not the fountain for immortality though right? I just want to clear that up. Nays protectiveness in this chapter as Auriella leaned over the water was great and then later he calls her an evil minded devil, well or as tough as one. I think this really brings out Nay’s personality. It was a good touch and I enjoyed it.

["This is Aquam Vitaé, isn't it?", she asked with a voice that was literally] Misplaced comma
["What?", he almost snapped at her.] Misplaced comma

She’s a creature that people never thought to think a name for? Wow. I like the description of the Spirit Walker. She devours souls, and now I understand Nay’s comments. I think it’s great that she’s searching for a cure, but I’m curious as to what’s going on with Nay. He seems stuck to her, like he’s a servant. Maybe I missed this explanation.

["Why not?", she asked in an] I keep seeing this, misplaced comma, but I’m starting to wonder if you’re doing it on purpose?

A tree with a heartbeat? I’m getting flashbacks of the movie Fern Gully and Pocahontas. There is more dialogue in this chapter than there is throughout the whole story. I really appreciated that. I think you need to find a balance. Readers don’t want to read a story that’s all detail with little dialogue (at least in my opinion) but they also don’t want to read just dialogue either. This chapter was the closest I’ve seen in your story to you actually bridging the massive amounts of description with dialogue and emotions. Due to that, this was one of your best chapters. Great job and thanks for taking the time to write and share. Also, sorry it took me so long to return these last reviews to you!

I like the imagery that comes with the first sentence. The primal beast with prey bleeding while trapped behind its teeth is very vivid. No detail lacking in this chapter, but I found myself getting a little bogged down by it and confused in areas. Have you said what Nay is? I’m finding myself going back to previous chapters to see if I missed it somewhere along the way.

So he’s an angel? That’s pretty awesome if he is. I thought he could be an angel at one point. I do like the way you’ve characterized Nay and Aurellia. This love hate relationship of bantering is really great and I find myself wishing there was just a little more dialogue.

When Aurellia says ‘obey’ and he has that reaction, I was wondering if that’s why they were together. She has power over him and uses him when she can? I might be a little confused about this. You write wonderfully, but you give too much detail. I want more dialogue and emotions. Your knack for detail takes away from the story for me. I keep saying this, but it’s what I’ve felt through every chapter. I’ve had to reread certain sections because I found my mind wandering. I think if you included more dialogue between Nay and Aurellia it would help balance it.

I have to admit, I was a little lost at the beginning simply because the elongated description bored me a bit. However, it was very well written; it was good description, honest. I'm just not one for that sort of thing, so I personally began to skim a tad to the action.

I will say that I didn't have much problem envisioning any of this, once I figured out exactly what was going on.

One thing I will say is that your dialogue confuses me. What the angel (I assume he's an angle, anyway) says seems to fit. Though by the earlier description of the girl, she appears to be quite young, and the fact that she talks in a very mature manner as he does is almost out of place. Unless, of course, this girl is no naturally girl; in which case it works out perfectly.

Overall I'm rather impressed and thankful that I read this. It's not often I read something and actually have to make use of the dictionary on my phone. Keep up the good work!

I think you could speed up the pacing of your exposition if you trimmed it up a bit. There is a lot of information that is redundant, or some sentences that repeat themselves. I'll show you an example with the opening paragraph:

[The skies had sunk into the deepest shades of purple, the kind that you only get to see at dawnbreak or on the verge of twilight. Given that it was neither nor, the color couldn't help but arouse suspicion towards what exactly the surrounding air consisted of. A damp mist had wrapped itself around the uneven trees on each side of the raddle road. The faint light only succeeded in making the bare, leafless crowns and branches look sinister and unfriendly in their twisted shapes and edgy forms. It was as if those said branches were hands, broken and shattered in the cruelest of ways; their pain was almost sensible.]

I feel like "the kind that you only get to see at dawnbreak or on the verge of twilight" is a little redundant because it doesn't really add to "The skies had sunk the deepest shades of purple," meaning, that second part of the sentence doesn't add anything important to the first or alter the way it might be imagined/pictured. It feels like you're repeating the same information. Then later on when you get to the "Given that it was neither nor, the color couldn't help but arouse suspicion towards what exactly the surrounding air consisted of" - this is a pretty long winded sentence that doesn't really tell us much, and it almost implies that there might be something harmful (?) in the air, but apparently there isn't, and I don't think that's what you're trying to say. Also, the sentences: "The faint light only succeeded in making the bare, leafless crowns and branches look sinister and unfriendly in their twisted shapes and edgy forms. It was as if those said branches were hands, broken and shattered in the cruelest of ways; their pain was almost sensible." can easily be combined into one sentence, since the information is a bit redundant. So if I were to take all these suggestions into consideration, the opening paragraph would look something like this:

"The skies had sunk into the deepest shades of purple. A damp mist wrapped itself around the uneven trees on each side of the road. The faint light only succeeded in making the bare, leafless crowns and branches look sinister and unfriendly in their twisted shapes and edgy forms, as if the branches were hands, broken and shattered in the cruelest of ways; their pain almost sensible."

I really love that image of the branches looking like broken hands because of how sinister it is and how well it sets the tone, and having a more direct voice will draw a lot more attention to it. Of course, this is just a suggestion and you can do what you want - I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to rewrite your story for you - but it's just something to keep in mind: when it comes to writing, a lot of the time less is more. Quality over quantity. If you swamp your really awesome imagery in passive voice, then it won't be nearly as vivid or noticeable.

Being more to the point will really help with pacing. Just make sure that every sentence actually adds something new to the exposition around it, otherwise the writing gets very flowery when it doesn't need to be, and it might lose the reader's interest.

I really like this concept of the guardian angel not wanting to be this girl's guardian angel, because it's a new concept to me and it's not something I've ever encountered. When I think of a guardian angel, I definitely imagine it being something the angel does willingly, so I like how you break away from that cliche.

This is the type of beginning I was talking about for chapter one. This would be much better suited for the first chapter (just the beginning of this at least). It’s short and makes me curious about the narrator and who she’s making miserable.

With in the first paragraph and sentence I have a feel for this girl. She’s demanding, slightly manipulative (sweet eyes) and goes out of her way to make this guys life miserable. I like that it happened so quick. It’s really good characterization for this girl, plus I’m a bit like that (demanding) so I can relate. I’m sure others can too.

["Aren't you going to ask me what I was doing at such dangerous a place?", she asked] that comma is misplaced.

When I consecutively see large paragraphs I want to start skimming. Also, I know I said in the previous review, but you should probably try and find a balance between having too much detail. I know it’s hard, I’m on the opposite side I think. I don’t give enough, which is probably something you could help me out with in your reviews. But in the second half of the chapter I appreciated that detail. It was too much in this section.[A crack appeared all the way down the sky, as if it were a broken glass.] Like this particular sentence. This one stood out.

I was confused at first about Nay. I though the narrator was saying ‘no.’ I didn’t realize it was a name. What is Nay? Is he some type of bird? Or an Angel? Did I read somewhere that he had purple wings, or was that you just describing the sky? So her names Aurellia. It’s good to know. If you gave it sooner I hadn’t caught it. I enjoyed the second half of this chapter…maybe I was just in the mindset yesterday of not wanting to read a lot of detail. *Shrugs* anyhow... Good job!

I think one thing that's interesting about this relationship is that it's hinted that the little girl's guardian angel doesn't really like the little girl - or at least, he doesn't seem that thrilled having to save her. The lines "to make your affections look...real" and then the opening line about "only if you knew how much I...didn't" seem evidence of that. I like the complexities there because I think it makes their relationship seem darker and more sinister too. It's not exactly what you would expect when you first hear that a story will be about a little girl and her guardian angel.

I think the pacing for a first chapter was very slow and measured, but I think the detail you're working into your paragraphs is also somewhat of a strength and part of your style. You pack a lot into them and I think it works to develop tension, even if it's a slow building tension - the bit with the arm is a good example. I liked your setting details that you incorporated into this chapter - like the color of twilight, the "rabble road" the "tree crown", because you have interesting words that draw upon the reader's imagination and I think it does a good job with very basic world-building. I'd be interested to see what other kind of creatures are part of this dark setting, and I liked that you were able to create interest in that regard. Your dialogue was fairly natural, though I felt the very last line was a little tense, since it seems so laid back with the "huh" bit - I wasn't expecting that with a sentence that started with "One is not", if that makes sense. But it also makes me want to learn more about the guardian angel, and I think he's a big draw here. Overall, well done!

This was the best chaoter of this story so far. I absolutely adored it! It had dynamic, it had feelings and drama andnig had a little comedy too! Your imagination keeps on amazing me with each and every line I read. By the way, I am absolutely in love with Nay. Seriously, I've a crush on him. :D

Can't wait to see what this thing that eats creatures is. And I really don't get why some people ask Don't the trees count. I mean, they are alive, but they aren't really creatures, right?

Anyways, please, PLEASE update soon!

The introduction was well detailed. It flowed easily and the imagery that came was clear due to your specific choice in words. However, starting with a description of the setting in the first chapter isn’t something that usually captures my attention with stories. I suggest possibly doing some type of action or something that isn’t scene description. When you start it off that way it gets boring and readers are tempted to press the back button.

[The skies had sunk into the deepest shades of purple,] I think this sentence could be less wordy if you removed ‘had’ since ‘sunk’ already makes it past tense.

[raddle road. ] What’s raddle?

[in the most cruel of ways;] *cruelest of ways

[The unsure steps and the intermittent breathing belonged to a small girl.] I really liked this sentence. It was that short sweet, less is more type of deal. The next par that follows [small in every way possible] I actually think isn’t necessary. It takes away from the simplistic depth of the sentence I liked. If you were to change it I believe it would flow better and carry more of an impact. Like this:

[The unsure steps and the intermittent breathing belonged to a small girl, not much taller than a garden dwarf. Her little body was as fragile as a new born soft spot and her demeanor was as gentle.] I changed some things around because the tiny, small, little that you used was a little repetitive. Keep in mind this is just a suggestion.

[remarkably unsignificant size of the small legs] *insignificant

I’ll bet you could describe the pants off of someone. The problem with so much description is that it gets boring. The only dialogue is at the end, so I would suggest throwing something in there. Maybe the girl says something out loud. Anything would do. I felt like this chapter was all description, kind of info-dumpy. The way you ended it, however, made it really pick up and where I was slightly bored before my interested was piqued at the end.

Spelling errors: [events occured as fast as lighnting] *occurred *lightning [sky and litterally ripped] *literally [itself plundge into the dark arm] *plunge [light gradualy strayed in a silver oreol] *gradually…what’s oreol? [unravelled was as dazzling as any wonder.] *unraveled [girl protectivly.] *protectively [features mimicing the actual expression] *mimicking

[all traits of furry and cruelty] fury

["This is Aquam Vitaé, isn't it?",] delete comma

[a little purring kitten that is shaking off the odious liquid] kittens don’t purr about odious things (or at least, the ones I’ve known don’t)

[Nay observed the threes of the nearby forest] trees?

["Why not?",] delete comma, this happened a few more times

[And angels are smart. Every rule has its exceptions] Haha, this made me grin.

["Trees don't talk," he stood his ground.] When you don’t have a speaker tag (ie, she said, he cried), the quotation and the following sentence are separate. So the comma should be a period.

[There are no living creatures around here] I’m a little confused. The trees aren’t alive?

I think your story is super imaginative. I really like what we learn about who/what Aurellia is. I think it adds intrigue to her character and serves as a good explanation about why she’s like this. The spirit eating scene was totally disturbing, and the kiss as well, especially knowing that she’s stuck in a child’s body and sort of has a child’s temperament.

Great chapter. The tension between Nay and Aurellia continues to be well written, if not becoming even better as we come to understand the two characters more. Especially how she keeps changing from evil to innocent and vulnerable and then he begins to care about her. I also feel like your story is really uniquely original from anything else I have read which is very impressive. I also really liked the ending leading you on to read more. I hope you post another chapter soon.

On the downsides there were a few small grammar, spelling issues. Maybe try reading it out loud to help get a little better flow..

all traits of furry and cruelty long gone from her dark eyes- fury?

voice that was literally dripping with curiosity.- literally how?

He was on pin and needles of a second,- I am not sure this is the right expression. pins and needles is something you get when you sit on your hand for a long time. Maybe something more like he was instantly alert

Nay observed the threes of the nearby forest thoroughly- trees

He looked at her weirdly and shrugged off the feeling that this girl was getting more and more wacky by the moment.- Love this line.

all the thieves and beggars sang as they hanged- were hanged.

He found walking utterly unproductive- I fully agree with him.

Found himself free from her restraints, Nay felt the anger arise from deep within him.- Perhaps drop the first part to better emphasise the sentence. - Free from her restraints, Nay felt the anger arise from deep within him.

There are no living creatures around here- What about the trees and grass?

I love your writing style. You're very good!

Hey! :)

Your story caught my attention and it is only the first chapter and I am already in love with it. The story seems so interesting and definitely has a lot of potential. It provokes intrigue from the first few paragraphs - who is this girl and what brought her here? There are so many questions this first section throws forward and I can't wait to find out more.

I especially love the philosophical musing at the end of this: "one is not obligated to wear a mask to be part of a masquerade." It is such an interesting unique musing the likes of which I have not seen before. The philosophy behind it is also interesting; it contemplates how a person doesn't need to act a certain way, be a certain type of person, in order to fall into a greater fate - for example, someone doesn't necessarily have to be an evil person to support a group with questionable, misguided intentions.

I like the description in this story, particularly the line likening the shadowy hand behind the girl's head to a crown for the "little princess of darkness." That was so good! You really have a way with words. That is raw, rare talent right there. I also like "trace of splattered darkness." I love all this reference to darkness, and I am sensing this becoming a recurring image in the story.

One thing I would say is that any more figurative language than what there already is will distract from the story itself and make it tiresome. Be careful not to overboard on the description. I know it seems a little counter-intuative considering at school all they taught us was how to use description, but you must consider your audience. The majority of avid readers nowadays are just searching for something light-hearted they can read on the journey home. Superfluous amount of description (and, on a lesser note, philosophising as seen at the end of this chapter) can, put simply, put readers off. In addition, an abundance of description dilutes the truly genius pieces of writing in your story, which in turn pulls down the quality of your story as a whole. I guess this chapter is all right for now; this is just something to take into consideration for future reference.

Following on from that, consider having a good think about your readership. Who are you targeting? Who are you hoping will browse through a bookshop and pick out yours? While this is a story I myself would enjoy, so far it doesn't strike me as the sort other teen girls would, considering all they seem to be reading nowadays are either crappy love stories or crappy love stories about vampires. But maybe that's just the girls I know! :D So yeah, have a think, and tailor this to them, otherwise you are running the risk of losing potential readership if people assume before even reading the book that they wouldn't enjoy it. It's a great story and I want you to get as many readers as possible :)

This is a great story and I am looking forward to reading more as soon as I can. There's a lot of potential in this story and you are certainly a very talented writer.

Keep writing!

-Vicky.