That was epic! I really loved how Aurellia shows Nay who's da boss! Although by now it has been made pretty clear that she will be "the bitch" of this story, I really like her character. And I am totally confused by the fact that he almost got to like her but then scolded to himself mentally. Does that mean she's controlling his feelings too or has he just grown attached to her after all those years? And I really wonder what kind of world they are in.

Can't wait to see what happens next.

Am really enjoying the hate/hate relationship here. It's fun and sad. This is a pretty epic sounding chapter although Nay doesn't seem too moved or even concerned by it. The detail and description is amazi9ng but I am not 100% sure what is going on overall. I think they moved through a hole between dimensions which just randomly appeared. I also didn't quite get what was happening with the raven and doll but it was definitely a nice metaphor for their relationship. I also really like the way Nay keeps almost liking Aurellia and then realising it. great work keep it up!

always gaped- reading this out loud sounds a bit silly to me. Maybe just leave it as insatiable which is really good.

Nay was an angle as magnificent as no other being in the world. - always love acute angles :)

white armor of mild necking- necking?
The ball of sulk skin-?

The roar of the sky, angry with the betrayal of its lover, the sun, for letting the shadows cloud its brightness; the cries of the earth, ... hectic to get out of the prison that were their watercourses.
-I really love the imagery here. So detailed and dramatic but squashing it all into one sentence makes it challenging to read and fully appreciate. Also I am not an expert on this sort of stuff and it is your story but I don't really like the sort of present tense third person perspective,
what I mean is
The roar of the sky, angry with the betrayal of its lover, the sun, for letting the shadows cloud its brightness; the cries of the earth, a virgin filled with regret for letting herself crack under the pressure of her long buried childhood crush, the lava, as it erupted from down under; the screams of the running rivers, desperate to free themselves from centuries of bondage, hectic to get out of the prison that were their watercourses.
You could write
The sky roared as if it was angry with the betrayal of the sun in letting dark clouds dim its fiery brightness. The earth cried, like a virgin who has finally cracked under the pressure of a persistent lover. The running rivers screamed as they freed themselves from centuries of bondage.
Just some things to consider.

occasionally finding themselves in such situations.- they occasionally get sucked into holes in reality? That must suck.

she had been killing him for a decade or so.- is she referring to Nay's brother here? perhaps put an 'ónly' in front of been to point out he considers this a short time.

had been having his soul torn off his chest for over a century now- out of his chest

be would have noted that these were the only objects he didn't see through a diaper of blur- he would have noted. Also diaper? like a babies diaper?

The clouds gradually began to stray while the air became sensibly reacher on oxygen- do you mean richer?

Type your review for this chapter here...

[Nay was an angle] angel?

[was rapidly been sucked] should be rapidly “being sucked”

[rebellion nature] rebellious

[in his beak it held something silver which it seemed to be trying to devour] You say before that the black raven screamed. If it held something in its beak, then it can’t scream at the same time.

[Her rampant nature was her one and only feature that he found truly admirable] How is her rampant nature not linked to her ridiculous demands that make him miserable?

As always, you have some beautiful imagery. I know you told before that you like the long sentences, but I just want to reiterate that purple prose isn’t always a good thing and can detract from the overall quality of the writing as well as the story.

I like your character building. One detail that I thought was especially cool was how Nay is so focused on Aurelia’s reaction before his, and I thought that was a fantastic way of demonstrating her dominance.

I also like the raven/doll scene, which I think is meant to symbolize the two characters? Looks are deceiving, hehe.

Hello She-Wolf! I saw your post in Labyrinth, so I'm reviewing your story because the summary seemed interesting. The unfaithful guardian angel bit caught my eye! I do have some technical and grammatical things, but I'll leave those for later. First of all, you start with an interesting premise. You have this tiny gnomish girl walking down a road with such blank emotions that I'm left wondering what brought her to this point. Interesting characterization and descriptions of her as well.

The imagery you use can be borderline genius and I absolutely love some of the choices you've made. That first paragraph? Love everything about the trees you're describing. At one point, you write "coil of boiling shadows," and I just had to smile because it's such great assonance. It's a great technique to use and it's not used nearly enough as something like alliteration. When you're describing the shadow hand behind the girls head, I loved that you likened it to a crown for the little princess of darkness. Really nice touch there. Lastly, the last line about the masquerade, it really made my day. Great, great line.

Overall, I think you've got a really great concept going here and I enjoy the dialogue from what I can see at the end of this chapter. I think there's definitely some room for you to tweak the grammar, wording, and sentence structures in order to take it from good to great. Below I'm going to post some of the things that I noticed.

* In the second paragraph, you mention the steps and the breathing as belonging to a small girl. I think it's awkwardly worded and is borderline passive.

*Also in the second paragraph, you start talking about her appearance and her raven dark locks. I love that, by the way. Raven dark. Nice. But I think it suffers from editing syndrome. It looks like you started with one sentence, edited it, but you left parts of the original behind. As it is now, it's a fragment. "Numerous OF raven dark locks that didn't seem to have met a comb in their entire life covered most of the filthy-looking face with EXPRESSION-LESS, yet grim features craved on it." You need a "she had numerous raven dark locks" or something along the lines, because this is just a clause. Also, the "of" needs to go. Also, expressionless is one word, not hyphenated. :)

*In the second paragraph, craved needs to be changed to carved.

*In the third paragraph, there's some comma issues. "move forward,... purpose like..." Remove the comma after forward and place it after purpose.

*The strong but therefore insistent wind suffers from too many conjunctions. "But therefore" is too awkward here and drags down the sentence. You can do one of two things. Change it to "and therefore" OR just write "strong and insistent". I think it's the therefore which comes off strangely.

*The paragraph you have about the pace she's walking has two issues. You start the story off by saying she has unsure steps, but that doesn't match what you say in this paragraph when you describe her brisk pace like she's going to a certain destination. If you're walking briskly with a destination in mind, I wouldn't say she has unsure steps. So one or the other probably needs to be tweaked to remain consistent. Also, I don't think it needs to be in its own paragraph. Just tack it onto the previous one because it's just floating in the middle of the story when it doesn't need to be.

*When the shadow's intention screams, that's just really weird. I mean, not the screaming bit, per se. But what is screams. It's such a malicious entity, dark and with ill-purpose. The italicized part you have makes it sound like a young California valley girl because you have that "so" sitting there. "So not doing anything good to you." If you reword that and make it darker, heavier sounding, then it'll sound more like it fits there.

*"And than it was no longer a few centimeters. It was no longer away at all." This structure and the way it's written comes off as forced and awkward. (Also, than needs to be then.) Completely reworking these two sentences might help because right now, they just read so oddly.

*At one point you say the arm's fingers. Arms don't have fingers. Hands do. Perhaps adjusting that a bit would be good.

*Lastly, something I noticed throughout the story is that you use a lot of weak verbs. I mean, you use two or three weak verbs strung together when you could just use one strong one. You also use a lot of "had" which is fine in certain situations, but as I said before, you could use one stronger verb and eliminate the "had" altogether.

Well, that's all I have for now. Again, I just want to say that I love the word you've got started here and just from this brief dialogue with the angel and the girl, I can tell you have a talent for natural dialogue and you've got some really memory lines and images here. Nicely done!

-Niek

First part: Wow… I totally know the kind of girl you're describing that likes to push boundaries or whatever. Ger, I don't like them at all, but I can also see how they can have certain power over others, like the winged guy. I wonder what their relationship is.
[pretented to be asleep] spelling
[wrongest and most unexpected of times] wrongest isn’t a word. How about “most wrong and unexpected”?

I’m wondering why you chose to refer to Nay as “the man” until the girl screams out ”NAY!” Since Nay is also an archaic way of saying “no” I was a tad confused because I thought she was screaming “no” until it became clear that that was his name.

[He shook his head, refusing to remember what had come afterwards] If he’s swooping down to save a falling girl, where does he find time to shake his head?

[and than enslaved the soul] then

Ooh, okay, very interesting chapter. I find the dynamic between your two characters fascinating. At first, I thought either they both really cared for each other, or at least Nay did. But then Nay drops her and by the end, he mentions that she’s enslaved him. So it seems like they don’t actually like each other very much, but are bound together? I think that’s really complex and I look forward to seeing it developed. Nice ending sentence; it has a good weight to it.

I like the mutual hatred between Nay and Aurellia and them being forced together. it makes for an amusing dynamic. I think it would be nice though if you explained it a bit more upfront in the first chapter as you sort of have to assume a lot. But it is up to you. I also liked getting the bit of background in this chapter but I didn't like the way it was inserted in the middle of the action. I was too interested in whether he was going to catcher or not I wanted to skip over the rush of background details you were now giving me. The final line was really nice though. I also really enjoy a lot of your descriptions.

Especially if it meant pissing off the neat little creature that played sleepy most impudently in his arms.
There are a couple of weird things about this sentence. You can't describe characters as neat unless you lived in the 70's :P. When you say played sleepy, do you mean pretended to be asleep? I don't think you need the most impudently. The fact that she is pretending to be asleep is impudent by itself making the description of it redundant. This is something I have been slowly learning about. Finally I am not sure if this angel or whatever he is would use pissing. Maybe irritating?

she didn't favour heights and winds and flights
maybe just heights. As heights and flights rhyme it sounds a bit funny.

usually did so at the wrongest- worst

Let me tell first of all I'm a sucker for this type of narration...
...I'm afraid I may be saying it the wrong say, so I'l just say it liek this: excellent narration.

Unlike many stories of this genre, your has mood. It's warm, it's catchy, but most of all, it's entertaining. So it's a big, big congartulation from my part ;)

Plus I didn't even feel the chapter until about halfway in it ;)

BUT!

Your paragarphs are a tad too long. For me. I personally strongly dislike long paragraphs, so don't mind me much, but it makes me want to skim halfway due to the loooots of words and the ease to get lost, So splitting them a bit wouldn't hurt much would it?
*gets hailed by carrots*

Plus the description-kind of opening is not exactly a fantastic beginning. Have you ever seen how some of the best stories begin in a simple way? May it be catchy phrases, a bit of philosophy or just plain dialogue, the golden rule of begiinings is: Keep. It. Simple. People may or may not be amazed by whatever descriptive skills you may have, but it is the beginning and initial interest that keeps readers coming. So...

I'd give a more detailed review, believe me, but I'm kind of in a rush, so I'll continue after a while... say an hour?

That was really nice. Can't believe you managed to sqeeze it all in one chapter, lol. And I get the feeling that little girly's not that innocent, huh? xD Can't wait to see what happens next.

So after you reviewed my story i decided to check out your work and this is really good so far, sounds very interesting and i can't wait to read more.

Hey, that was real cool. Wonder why they don't like each other? I hope you come up with a good explanation, lol. And your describtions are divine.
Looking forward to reading more!

Hehe you were write about our writing styles I will say that. Over all I like the plot thus far and the sweet one liner at the end really cinched it all together. Intrigued to see where this will lead :)

Okie doke! Returning your review. :)

Some technical notes:

[Given that it was neither or] should be “neither nor.” The other pair is “either or”

[each side if the raddle road] “each side of”?

[Numerous of raven dark locks that didn't seem to have met a comp in their entire life covered most of the filthy-looking face with expression- less, yet grim features craved on it.] get rid of the “of” after Numerous. “met a comb” instead of comp. “carved on it”?

[The girl had its head bowed down] should be “her head” since girl has a gender

[feast their eyes with the delicate sights] should be “feast their eyes on”

[And than it was no longer a few centimeters] “And then”

[litteraly ripped the welkin in two] spelling

[shiver uncontrolablly] spelling

[gradualy strayed in a silver oreol] spelling

[enfolding the girl protectively] spelling

["A job well done", she was heard saying quietly.] So dialogue punctuation are a bit tricky. I suggest going to an online guide for the full details (Grammar Girl is my personally favorite). I’ll correct this first chapter as we go. Since “She was heard” isn’t a speaker tag (she said, he yelled, they whispered etc), it should be a separate sentence, and the punctuation: {…well done.” She was heard…}

[his handsome features mimicing] spelling

["Now hug me tighter", she demanded.] the comma always goes inside the quote. So {tighter,”}
…
So this is a nice opening chapter. I think you’re a really strong writer. I like how you put some words together in an atypical combination and make them really beautiful and interesting.

There are some great phrases in this chapter. Personally, I really like “twisted shapes and edgy forms.” I like “rage-soaked growl.” I really like “trace of splattered darkness.”

At the same time, I think the writing is teetering on the brink of being superfluously descriptive. When you have description after description of the same sort of wordy writing, it’s difficult to tease out the powerful lines from the less interesting. Never underestimate the power of a simple sentence. I think this chapter could use some more balance.

Also, Fictionpress tip: try not to make your paragraphs too long, especially when doing fast paced scenes. It’s ridiculously hard on the eyes to read long blocky paragraphs, which means it’d be easier for the reader for miss some details.

I’m not quite sure what happened by the end of the chapter. This girl meets her guardian and they’re masquerading for some watcher? That being said, I like the line you end on. There’s a real weight to the question. So yeah, all in all, solid chapter!

Wow, I love your descriptions and metaphors. They are very detailed, dramatic and evocative. It makes it quite beautiful to read. However some spelling and grammar issues hold it back a bit unfortunately but if you fix those up it will be awesome.

"A damp mist had wrapped itself around the uneven trees on each side if the raddle road" - of the road. Not sure what a raddle is?

"her little body was tiny, fragil and gentle."- fragile

"Her ragged dress could come in handy when someone found themselves in a desperate need to throw something useless in the garbage"- I know the point is that this doesn't happen but to me it sounds as if you are saying that sometimes people have a desperate need to throw things in the rubbish which is a bit odd.

"A fairly strong but therefore very insistent wind " but means that insistent is contradicting the strong which isn't true. - "A fairly strong and insistent wind" would make more sense I think.

"lorn body in the middle of nowhere"- forlorn

"big wet eyes narrowed slightly as they sunk into the deep purple of the horizon sky"
- how are her eyes wet? Is she crying? Also her eyes don't sink into the horizon. You could say her gaze does perhaps?

"given the remarkably unsignificant size of the small legs that performed the steps" How are her legs remarkable and unsignificant? The two are opposites. Also it is insignificant not unsignificant

"It played dangeroiusly close now"- dangerously

"good two-meter arm" I think you could leave out the good here. it is sort of ambiguous whether you mean the arm is a good, friendly sort of arm. Or that you mean it is a good size as in big. You get that from the 2 metres which is pretty big for an arm.

"calm pace"- I thought she was travelling at a quick pace due to her small legs?

"Spider-spread behind the head of the girl"- Could be extended. The fingers were spread like the legs of a spider behind the girl. Spider spread itself is not a word. Although maybe it should become one. Scary!

"resulting into locking a grip around thin air"- this reads a bit clunky. Perhaps "but the hand grasped only thin air." or some such.

"It was more of a blank expression"- the hint of emotion was a blank expression?

"blur-fast " Similar to Spider-spread.

" litteraly ripped the welkin in two"- literally. What is a welkin?

"it let itself plundge into the dark arm"- it plunged into the dark arm

"Drops of liquid blackness leaked from the dissected limb and showered the ground with their wet and sticky kisses. "- This is a really awesome line!

"The whole arm began to shake and shiver uncontrolablly, until an animalistic cry was heard as if from nowhere"- uncontrollably. Also doesn't the cry come from the arm?

"The scattered pieces of jello darkness"- jello?

"flare silver shades" I am not sure what this means?

"The man had his torso unbound by clothing - uncovered would make more sense.

"his pure inwardness"- his purity.

"mimicing" - mimicking

Just some suggestions take them or leave them. Be careful not to use too much description that it makes it hard to follow what is actually happening. Also some sentences were a bit long even by my usually very long sentence standards. :)

As to the story itself. It is a nicely intense opening. We have no idea what is really going on. The ending in particular threw me a bit. She has been saved by some sort of angel but she doesn't seem to like him but is also not too greatly phased by this. I am quite interested to find out what is really going on here. Great job!