I never leave reviews, especially on sex stories I read, because they're my guilty pleasure and the thought of someone knowing that I read one terrifies me. I've read a lot of them. I've read good ones, and bad ones, and ones that were erotic despite the terrible grammar and syntax; ones that were terrible despite the impeccable writing. I couldn't tell you what it actually is that makes a sex story sexy or enthralling, because some stories just are, and some just aren't.

However, I would just like to say: Wow.

I have never before read a story that actually got a 10. This is it. This is the one. This was amazing. Immaculate writing, human characters, sexy as fuck scenes, detailed but only enough to make the scene more erotic, not less.

I've never left a review before, I don't know if I ever will again, and I've been reading sex stories for literally years. Just, wow.

P.S. Sorry if my compliments on a sex story make you feel awkward.

amberlion (or amberloin as i first read it), this is the kind of writing that i have come to expect of you, mate: witty, engaging, and thought provoking. if arousal was the goal of this writing, then i must admit you have succeeded with me as i was aroused in more ways than just sexually. that said, let me say that i never got into erotica so reading this piece was a rather interesting experience. despite my lack of experience with erotica, this writing reminded me of that one particular character in "mumford" - the one who has an insatiable yet creative mind towards all things erotic. funny (i.e., odd and amusing) that that is the character that came to mind as i read this story. in any case, here is my analysis/critique of the story:

first, i think you need more character development. please do not take this as a negative statement. it is merely that i found both miss haley and mister hall engaging characters. i think it would do well to flesh out their stories a little more. in that regards, i think one of the areas that could use improvement is explaining just why miss haley finds mister hall attractive. you spend a great deal of time exploring mister hall's (self-imposed or self-perceived) lack of masculinity or lack of sex appeal (or both) and miss haley's overwhelming sexual prowess (albeit only from mister hall's perspective). however, you do not explore miss haley's attraction to mister hall all except for a single line towards the end where she (somewhat abruptly) states that mister hall's smile affects miss haley's feelings towards mister hall. the fact that this is revealed after the climax (no pun intended) of the story is not so much a problem as that it leaves a lot of questions unanswered. when exactly did miss haley start to notice mister hall? having largely ignored mister hall for the first two years of their association, it does not make much sense to abruptly have miss haley engage mister hall, particularly in a very intimate setting. unless you are suggesting that miss haley did not care much for who had sexual relations with her at the moment of this story, leading the reader with the impression that miss haley is a bit of a whore (which does not necessarily seem to be the case). just as important as the question of when is the question of what. are we simply to believe that it was mister hall's smiles (which are seemingly non-existent except at the beginning of/during the sex acts) that led to miss haley's open arms? dubious at best, would you not say? although i have read this story in its entirety, given that i had my head buried in a book about estate planning thereafter, i cannot recall all the other questions that came to mind about character development, but i will be sure to try to recall them upon a second (and perhaps a third) reading.

next, regarding the use of syntax. perhaps i am too much of a stickler for consistent use of form as much as i am a fan of function. what i mean might be better conveyed through an example. for instance, you use the term "miss" in lieu of the abbreviated form "ms." while the opposite is true of the term "mister" (though you do use it in the full form in its very initial appearance). it would seem to me more appropriate to conform to one standard: either to choose the abbreviated form of both prefixes or to utilize their full versions,

along similar lines of critiquing linguistic prose, i think brevity would work better for some trains of thoughts. for instance, the sentence "It was a sweltering September afternoon in Berridge, Ohio, and it was all anyone could do to keep their eyes open, much less focus on periodization of social evolution in rural Cuban, Haitian and Dominican populations." it might be easier to read if you were to put a full stop at the end of "ohio". i doubt most of your other sentences have this issue as most of your sentences are quite succinct.

likewise, in terms of grammatical structure, i think the use of colons might serve you well with certain sentences. for example, take the following sentence: "The words stopped making sense, changing from English to some other language, a beautiful, vulgar babble of joy." i think if you were to exchange the comma after "language" for a colon, the sentence would read more smoothly. since i did not read the entire story with a fine tooth comb, i cannot say for certain there are other sentences that could benefit from some grammar revisions but i will be sure to report of any findings (if there are any).

whatever else can be said of your this piece, the bottom line is you did a splendid job of bringing two enthralling characters to life, not least of which because they shared a beautiful, passionate, intimate moment that resonates with the deepest, secret desires of the lustful and lewd, or essentially, contemporary america. all in all, i must commend you on yet another coruscating story. well done, my dear chap.

Well, what can I say?
Fantastic story! :D Keep up the good work(and the great lemons)!