|Reviews for The Overling Saga|
| JohnnyZwei chapter 5 . 2/8
Six arms? Two more and that creature'd be an octagon /shot
Ahem. Lookin' good right here. I'm glad to see you've improved from the first chapter onwards :)
I can't offer much constructive criticism here as far as formatting goes, other than a stylistic one. For the letter, you could put all of the text in italics. Again, that's just a preference of mine, I'm not sure if there's a proper way out there.
I'm kinda curious to know why Takashi's so attached to his regular life, he doesn't seem too timid so I guess he's a bit of a downer or something.
Keep up the writing tho, you've got more chapters and words in a story than me lol
| KoriNeko18 chapter 1 . 2/2
Alright, Rave. You wanted people to read your story, right? Then I'll leave you some constructive criticism.
Before I get on the topic of the story, the first thing I noticed was the blocks. It's literally two huge blocks of text that I'm not even sure I can read properly without mixing up words. Separate things into different paragraphs when either the speaker of dialogue changes, or a subject seems to change.
The first sentence is a fragment. ['In year 2016 in the city of Nagoya.'] what? What happened? This fragment serves no point, unless there's some sort of action. It also sounds a bit redundant with the double use of 'in'.
'It was afternoon at the library, a young boy named Takashi Youjii was going around the library to find a book to help him with studying.'
Contrary to the opening fragment, this sentence seems entirely too long. There are also lots of words that can be completely omitted. Let's start with the beginning.
'It was afternoon at the library'. First off, this implies that it was afternoon in the library, but could be maybe nighttime outside. Instead of confusing everything with 'at the library' (which is entirely unneeded as Takashi being at the library is mention in the sentence later), simply replace it with 'and'. You'd have to add 'and' anyway, or else the sentence doesn't connect properly.
'It was afternoon, and a young boy named Takashi Youjii was going around the library to find a book to help him with studying.'
The last bit also sounds very long. You would have to rephrase it to make it sound better. If you read sentences aloud, you can more easily catch the parts that sound weird.
For dialogue, you should make a new paragraph. Also, dialogue should end with a comma is there's a dialogue tag like 'Takashi pointed out.'
Try avoiding redundancy by varying your sentence structure or vocabulary. The next few sentences and clauses all start with 'He', and it sounds really repetitive.
How was the book strange? Why did he just randomly notice some book that we don't even have an image of? There are tons of different books in the world, so this must be a /really/ weird book if he just noticed it out of a bunch of books.
I feel like I'm being told everything. Like, there are no details on this kid's looks, how he feels, what he's thinking. not even what this book looks like. I don't feel like I'm following him around, but rather as if someone was taking shorthand notes on what Takashi did at a library.
Strange writing? Er, how was it strange? Also, the table is apparently special? How in the world is a table special?
'He then kept looking farther and farther into the book until he found one page, that had one word. " . " the had in it.'
First off, the second sentence doesn't make any sense. I don't really understand it. I don't think a period counts as a word, as well.
Second,this is one of the sentences that would do far better with more description and rephrasing. I'll use it as an example.
'He then kept looking farther and farther into the book until he found on page, that had one word.'
'He flipped through the worn pages, confused as to the lack of well, everything, in the book. He furrowed his brow until he suddenly flipped past one page that seemed to have a symbol on it. Takashi cocked his head, hurriedly flipping back to the page, only to find a simple '.' on the paper.'
Description brings characters and passages to life.
The description for Takashi getting sucked in need that kind of thing. It's so plain and quick. There doesn't seem be to be any build up or anything for it. It just... happened.
'The next the next thing Takashi knew is that he was...'
I think that's a typo you missed. Also, that 'is' should be was, considering this appears to be written in past tense.
Parentheses for thoughts is not something I've seen before. People usually use italics.
If he was consciously thinking, I don't see how he could have woken up since he was already conscious. That sentence shouldn't have a comma at the end, because it's not something that leads into dialogue. However, it should have enough description or something else on it so it's not a fragment, which is what it currently is.
'"Hey! Hey! Are you alright?" a voice asked.'
Question marks and proper tags for questions. Also, if a tag to dialogue isn't a proper noun, then it should not be capitalized.
And, as always, more description. I'm being told what Takashi sees, I'm being told what's happened to him, and what it is that he's doing.
When the dialogue speaker changes, a new paragraph is needed.
Sentences shouldn't consistently be started with the same word over and over. It's basically, Takashi this, Takashi that. Sentences should be connected when they sound natural, and they should also be varied in sentence structure, as it doesn't sound natural and it reads weirdly.
'...a stick on the ground and pointed it...'
'it' shouldn't be capitalized.
'"Hey, what's wrong with you? You're acting like you haven't seen a dragon before," the reptile said.
New paragraph for every speaker switch.
Takashi's entire dialogue is basically impossible to understand. There's little to no punctuation, not counting the ellipses that are far too long, as three periods are generally what is used. I also don't get the feel that Takashi is scared, but that's just because of the lack of description, and the many things I'm being told rather than shown.
'Takashi then mumbled for a bit then said his name,'
Okay, well, if he says 'Takashi', we all know that he already said his name, so that's kind of a pointless explanation.
I seriously think you need to vary sentence structure, because they're very stiff and awkward to read, not to mention they're basically stating the obvious. I don't know when you wrote this first chapter, and I'm assuming you've improved since then, but this stuff is still something you should keep in mind.
How in the world did he not drop the book or something?
There's an extra 'j' at the end of Aerojin's name. Also, unlit is one word.
'This startled Takashi and yet again made him jump back.'
I don't remember him jumping back before, first of all, second, I don't feel like Takashi is startled in the least. Details and description contribute a lot more of the story than one would think.
A strange power? Like... what?
Remember, question marks for questions in dialogue.
'"Where did you find this young man?" the dragon asked.'
Also, those ellipses are far too long, not to mention they're extremely overused at the moment.
'"...I got there, I saw him," Aerojin explained.'
To be honest, I think it's bizarre that absolutely nobody else picked up this book before.
I cannot tell who it is speaking because of the lack of spacing. Also, it seems like this conversation quickly escalated with little to no explanation as to what even is going on.
These ellipses are everywhere.
I think you meant 'since he is unexperienced'.
The first word in a tag directly after a dialogue piece is never capitalized unless it's a proper noun.
Alright, you need to be extremely wary of grammar and punctuation. Description needs to be used far more, as I don't get a feel for anything at all.
I mean, I'm sure you've improved, but do remember that these things should always be kept in mind.
| Syneia chapter 1 . 9/24/2013
Firstly, I think your story has a good base with plenty of room to improve :)
The formatting is bit of an issue, it seems rather clumped together with minimal differentiation between each section, and the dialog between characters. It makes it incredibly difficult to follow.
There was no telling what these words your character was reading, were. They were just showing as fullstops (periods), so I'm not sure if you originally had some type of foreign symbol in its place. Also you didn't need to use the brackets to show what he was feeling. You could have easily used italics.
Some parts of the story made little sense, for example - "He then kept looking farther and farther into the book until he found one page, that had one word. " . " the had in it.". You should replace the word "farther" with "further" and loose the word "then" as its not needed. I don't understand why you wrote "the had in it" at the end of the sentence. it really confused me.
I think you'd really benefit from having a beta reader - someone to guide you in formatting, showing you where things don' t quite flow and make sense. Someone that you can bounce ideas off. That's just my opinion though :)