Good lord, this is fantastic. Thanks for sharing

LEILA IS THE SPIRIT! I KNEW something was up with Leila! She was not just some secondary character with no purpose other than to care for our beloved MC's. Plus she's had a lot of jobs that can't possible have overlapped in her "short" life.

You're from TORONTO? IM FROM
TORONTO! anyways... Still obsessed with this.

Hello!

Wow, this was certainly an intense piece with loads of action going on, which is awesome. The scene involving the gunshots was particularly well-written and had me on edge as to what was going to happen, especially when a bullet only just missed his ankle. So yeah, the story had me captivated and I am intrigued to find out more, and I can tell this is going to be a complex, intricately woven story, and you have set the plot up nicely in the chapter. I liked the introduction of the characters - Jude particularly piqued my interest as he is seems a strong and ambitious protagonist - and I like the way you introduced the relationship between Jude and Liam, hinting to us that they are lovers but not flat out telling us. Nicely done.

Particular lines I enjoyed were, "Grime covered jagged surfaces enough to make them glisten in the dark," and "world of death and decay."

The first line was brilliant. Beautifully written and was a very unique peice if writing. I have never seen something burning being described as a "thing of beauty," so this was a refreshingly original piece of imagery, and the powerful line quickly caught my attention.

What particularly fascinated me was the woman who was not human. Will she make a reappearance in the story? I hope so, as she seemed to be a fascinating character. I didn't catch a name or whether she was a spirit or a witch. Will we find out this information in another chapter? Forgive me if I have just misread.

Another powerful section was when Jude screamed "Liam." This one word alone is great to both grab the reader's attention and introduce the relationship between the two, as clearly Jude would have felt strong emotions for him to react like this.

I do have a couple of points. "They were in a vault with high arched ceiling." This line sort of comes out of nowhere. I think it needs to be woven in smoother, rather than just a piece of description thrown out at us. Also, I would have liked to have seen a few more lines of description alongside this line, as the description of this building, I felt, was weak and it did not really help me to visualise the scene. Of course, the description in the rest of the chapter was strong, it's just this scene I am talking about.

"This didn't make any sense." This is a very cliche line to use.

Otherwise this was a strong start and I'm intrigued to see where this is going to go. Keep writing!

Perfect . Great character development, plot twists, originality...
In one word, a MASTERPIECE. Hope you got this published.

I was sure that M was killed by Liam at the hotel.

Good to have Sphinx back. Won't the group be blamed for the bombing?

Just had a crazy thought. The Spirit woman-Leila.

Jupiter? Is this a good thing or should I expect worse? You did let Angelo die.

This is sad and unfortunately I tend to grieve characters I love in real life.

Subject 52 is Bradley, right? How many ways can someone say 'perfect story'?

The anonymous nature of the internet really does fit in well with the mystery of the anonymous exchange in the opening.

Poor Matt… really this is all far more stressful than he deserves. He was only trying to do the right thing according to values he arrived at independently instead of being spoon fed by the cult.

Good description of the hotel interior – as is usual, you both get enough detail for the setting across whilst maintaining a reasonably fast pace.

Like the little details that indicate guests who are used to luxury. Oh gosh, all that jewellery, I’m getting aroused…

If I were going to be very very nitpicky I would say that at this point, I personally would remind the reader what Leila looks like, now that Jude is sat at the table with her and it is not quite time for the action to really flare up.

If Bradley hangs around talking, will the hotel dock his pay? :o
Bradley is a little bit cryptic with his remark: “I wasn’t stupid enough to assume all parties would extend the same courtesy.” The way Jude reacts reminds me of how most react to me.
Liam’s ideas of fair combat really are deep rooted. I suppose his ideas about duty remain with him throughout, even though they did become twisted during Magnus’ brief reign.

M’s delusion that Magnus is wise is similarly deep rooted… which explains why he accepts Magnus’ diagnosis that Jude is the same as ancient Jude.

Intriguing that Leila has made huge bids in auctions before relying on no one calling her bluff. She must have a gambler’s instincts. One wonders how long the bidding game could have gone on for.

And I like how the strands of the plot are coming together as Matthew recognises his father. I like how the action intensifies at this point. Bradley was certainly never cowed by a deadly situation. I mean, how did he know the guards would not shoot at his head? And Jude’s theft of the million dollar journal would be grand larceny :p Really for that price it ought to be made of gold leaf.

Jude and Liam’s flight through the complex is well paced. Way to play with our expectations when they assumed they had been led into a dead end ;)

"...unwelcome intruder."

One last example of unnecessarily lengthening the prose. This made me laugh out loud. "Unwelcome intruder" is very redundant. Think about it this way, a "welcome intruder" is an oxymoron.

My technical issues aside, the story is good. The characters are evolving and coming to light. I do wonder about how Fenrir/Jude is portrayed in the first chapter as an assassin/opportunistic tomb-robber early on (he does express interest in the valuables inside the coffin), but he seems to quickly be developing a conscience. I guess he always had one? He does wonder about killing Liam with a shovel, which I thought was a very fine moment.

There feels like a logic gap as to why Eric is with him while he's working, and I get that he's masquerading his profession as something mundane, but that seems very risky. Eric gives me this feeling of a narrative tool used to simultaneously soften Jude (act as his moral compass later on, I'm guessing), and possibly be kidnapped for later tension.

I'm actually really interested in what's going on in New York. I enjoy the corporate atmosphere of it all. I liked the scene between Emma and knife guy (Bradley) and Alexander. I especially like the use of Alexander's office description as a way to show he's a multi-faceted character. The cutaways to the Red King's cult are a little more up in the air. Maybe, I wanted them to be doing more ritualistic stuff (human sacrifice?) this early on and just praising the Red King and chanting that the Demon Knight cometh, rather than have the elder just describe the old prophecy to the initiates.

One thing that came to my mind was that Jude didn't go through the innkeeper's possessions. That maybe he had a book of myths or stories that could have shed some insight into what he had been raving about. Even if it turns out all the innkeeper learned was from oral traditions, having Jude root around would of displayed his investigative skills, which I would imagine to be necessary in his line of work.

"Gingerly, he sidestepped his brother in order to make his way into the room, and then through the open door into the adjoining one, which was his own."

The examples are still very much present from my previous review. Here could just be: "Gingerly, he sidestepped Eric, and walked to the open door of his adjoining room."

"...before his expression gradually shifted to shock."

"...looked down with puzzlement at his white robes..."

There are several instances like this where a description is just thrown at the reader. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive to these kinds of things, but I would prefer worlds like "shock" and "puzzlement" to be more descriptive, ironically considering my chief criticism. Eric could go "wide-eyed" when he notices Liam's body, and Liam could "paw and examine" his white robe. These would more show than tell the emotions.

"However, Jude found something inside of him craving for more, and he leaned forward..."

"He had no idea why his stomach suddenly lurched..."

There's a lot of this, and Jude gets hit with it especially hard in the next chapter while they're digging the grave. These sentences starting with characters found/had no idea/felt/believed/thought/discovered/etc can nine times out of ten just be written without that bit. Like here, "However, Jude leans forward and touched the stranger's cheek." The "however" covers the preceding paragraph, and Jude's action implies its what he wants/craving. And, "His stomach suddenly lurched." That's it. "Suddenly" carries with it an unexpected connotation.

With the change in quick-fix requirements, I'm going to have a go at this. I did glanced over a couple other reviews, and my opinions might be a little controversial. I would not be surprised to see a angry private message reply.

"Only corpses had stayed to see the sight. Not even 12 hours ago, a revolt had finally toppled the despot who had ruled over these lands, and the price to pay was the blood that now drenched the courtyard and town square. Most of those who had been fortunate enough to survive the city's destruction had fled by now. All that remained now were ghosts and ruins - and one man, carrying a smaller, lifeless body in his arms."

I have read three chapters of this, and here is a nice example of my biggest problem: it's too long-winded. It feels like padding in a essay to reach a page count. This keeps consistently cropping up where a dozen words are used where four will do. And because it runs so long, the impact of your words drains away for the reader. I'm going to workshop this paragraph to show you what I mean:

"Only corpses stayed to see the sight. Not twelve hours ago, a revolt finally toppled the despot, and the price was the blood-drenched courtyard and town square. By now, most survivors had fled the city's destruction. Ghost and ruins remained - and one man carrying a lifeless body."

What I removed were the bits of redundancy, where I felt the definition of a single word, its resonance, carried with it all the necessary meaning of the other words tacked on around it. Like "despot," which already implies "ruled over these lands." "Price" already carries the implication of something "to pay." "Survivors" are already assumed to be those "fortunate enough." As for the lifeless body, you can mention its smaller when he puts it on the altar, he's already "carrying" it, so do we really need "in his arms," even if a few readers think the body is slung over his back, would that be so bad? Also, it ends the paragraph on "lifeless body" which nicely mirrors the "only corpses" beginning for a satisfying roundness the narration.