|Reviews for Hero -- The Last White Dragon|
| Starart152 chapter 6 . 4/1
This is a good chapter with the introduction of many new antagonists and some we already know, but it is good to sometime reintroduce them a little. As for the dialogues between them, it is really interesting to see where everything is going and how Li dies since he wasn't considered useful anymore.
| cud-b-better chapter 7 . 3/30
Sorry it took me so long to notice. I'm glad the series is continuing. I can't remember everything that happened previously but Cullen's harsh attitude to failure is present once again. Although I liked that the punishment was also used as a motivator. Kojima has decreased a few ranks in terms of legendary, if he was as great as he claims to be then he would be blaming himself for his own shortcomings rather than acting like a teenage delinquent and blaming the one who bested him. I think a few of the dialogues could be a bit better it feels almost too formal in a way (can't really explain it). Mallory seemingly rising from the dead, is it going to turn out he is a phoenix or something. Kind of looking forward to Cullen throwing away Morgana as he put it just so she would stop deluding herself, although it'll be a plot twist if she is actually right.
Anyway good chapter and I hope to read more soon.
| Darth Zannacross chapter 7 . 3/26
Glad the White Dragon is still ridding yet, lets take a look at the new chapter. I see Kojima is still sore from his last defeat, villains with grudges usually equals bad news so, guess we will see who is in store for facing his wrath.
I see he has his doubts on Morgan, and, those doubts are justified, we will see who back stabs who I guess.
Meanwhile, the queen is resisting, but its costing her, hope she does not burn out before she can be rescued. And, on top of that, that woman survived Kojima's assault, most impressive. And a Dark Elf, that stumbled in to are unconscious lead here, well glad things are looking up, they need all the good luck they can get. Well, with how things stand we will see where they go from here but, crossing my fingers that the next update is a tad shorter.
Till next time keep up the good work.
| cmaej chapter 7 . 3/24
Well darnit. It looks like I accidentally reviewed chapter six with my SmutPuppy account. It's just me. We're the same person. XD
And here is the most asked question for almost every over-powered villain...
IF HE'S SO STRONG, WHY THE HELL DOESN'T HE JUST DO THE JOB HIMSELF!? XD
I don't question Morgana's love in the least, but I think her love will force her to make bad decisions in the near future. It will likely have something to do with sabotaging Kojima, since he acts like he wants Cullen's D. Just a shot in a dark. lol
As for Piper...
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THAAAAAAAAANK YOOOOOOOU! Omg, I'm so happy she's not a damsel in distress. Don't underestimate what a mother would do to protect her child, dammit! I mean, I watched a mother cougar fight a grizzly bear three times her size to protect her cubs, and drove him away! I mean, on a documentary, not for real... you get what I mean. A mother's wrath is real! I also like the white-hair thing. It hints that she's not out of the woods yet, giving the readers tension to keep going.
Now for Mallory...
No offense to the character, but I'm a bit disappointed Mallory isn't dead. I thought I was in for some type of dark Yoshi Island story. Except, the Yoshi dies a horrible death before passing Baby Mario to the next Yoshi. A story where many powerful characters fight and give their lives to pass Baby Prince-kun (does he have a name, yet) along. Such a journey.
Anyways, look forward for the next chapter. Piper is my fav. Good luck.
| SmutPuppy chapter 6 . 3/23
Finally updated! Congrats!
Oh, my. I didn't realize that I wasn't actually caught up with this story. I'm sure other has already talked about the writing, given, pointers and the like, so I'm just going to comment about the story. If you want tips, just drop me a PM and I'll be happy to oblige.
I'm liking these new characters, though mercenary was pretty boring and his self-proclaimed title felt lackluster compared to the others. Glad that was taken care of. XD
I hope the elf William dies next. I keep thinking of LotR and it's annoying me. lol
Emperor Cullen seems to be on a quest to compensate for something, if you know what I mean.
If I was Deker, I would be concerned about being left in a room with compulsive killers. Oh, wait? What kind of creature is Meaner? Ogre or something? As a matter of fact what is Cullen and the late King? He refers to Piper as "the human" so I'm guessing he's not. I apologize if it was already mentioned. It has been a while since I read.
Will review the next chapter later. Keep it up.
| 360pages chapter 6 . 3/15/2016
I actually forgot how much content was in your chapters, this chapter is 5000 words long yet it is mostly characters talking in a room. That isn't a bad thing, since you had to introduce and reintroduce the. Though I had a feeling there was a more dynamic way on doing this. I don't mind a few chapters of characters just talking with all that said.
| Darth Zannacross chapter 6 . 3/9/2016
Well its been a while, but glad your still keeping up on this. On top of the showdown, we got a whole new group, who knows how much trouble they will cause, well expect for Li, he was rather stupid lol, and died like a fool.
Well, we will see how the others preform, but the stakes have been raised with Cullen having such a bloody hunger for conquest. Also, we have a evil snow fairy eh? Guess its time for a dark version of Frozen, we will see.
Well, nice chapter for setting the stage , both showing just how intense Cullen is and who he has to enforce his will. We will see where it goes from h ere, till then keep up the great work and till next time.
| cud-b-better chapter 6 . 3/9/2016
Well cullen certainly isn't the smartest man ever. If a piece is strong particularly if you have big ambitions then you should use it, even if you hate it personally. Well he's a good villain but the fact he scared all those present kind of shadows out just what kind of threat these six are. I also felt that you spoke a bit about their backgrounds that might have been better laying off for later chapters particularly if you're introducing several characters all at once. But with a group of champions who can't get along if he gives each a realm isn't it just going to be pointless civil war?
But anyway a nice introduction to some obvious villains.
| 360pages chapter 5 . 6/19/2015
Welp the king is dead, I knew the story overall was going to start to take a darker turn simply due to how it was set up. Most stories with even a hint of politics are going to get darker, politics is an inherently darker tone to it due to it be overall slower.
| Mokii chapter 2 . 5/10/2015
So we finally meet our antagonists, Cullen (Edward Cullen?! *shot*) and Morgana. I actually expected her to be a sorcerer rather than a succubus. I have no idea why.
That Baby Prince seems much smarter than most babies. For one, I think he can understand what Mallory is saying to him. And two, he's not crying like crazy. Lol, if he'd cried, it would've caused Mallory more problems.
One suggestion though, I think you can combine some of your sentences. Some of them sound choppy or incomplete, so it would probably flow more if you had some more longer sentences.
Lol, I said I would be more productive this week, but I got worse :PP
| Vio the Wandering Lover chapter 5 . 5/9/2015
I'm glad to see a flashback of the kings death but there's still no answer as to why. Cullen seems a little cliche with no insight into his motives. However it's refreshing to see someone with a mother complex after so long.
Also I find it a bit farfetched that Cullen was able to beat his father so easily if said man was deemed the greatest swordsman to ever live. If you say it's because he didn't have his real sword then that's like saying he wasn't the greatest swordsman and just had the greatest sword.
So far it seems as if the villains will have an easy overall victory. Not too happy about that but the story is still young. Hope to see a painful and bloody death for Cullen and Morgana.
| Sage Young chapter 5 . 5/9/2015
Huh, I was expecting the entire chapter to be a flashback because of the questions you posted in SC, but it seems it isn't the case. The King was killed earlier that night? Damn do things happen fast in the story. I thought he was assassinated a few days prior, and that was when the Queen and Mallory learned of his 'supposed death' of falling into the ravine.
As for the blood and gore, eh, it was okay. I think writing my stories has made me kinda indifferent to such things lol. I don't know if that's good or bad exactly...
What I do like, is that there's a bit of fleshing out for Cullen, way more than what was shown for Zhalia or even Mallory from before. Sure, it might be a bit predictable, but it's still completely understandable. He definitely felt more human than the stone-cold robot from the chapters before.
Some of the paragraphs had that switching focus thing again, though. The third-person narration made it more confusing. Specifically it was that line when Deker was contemplating whether to dispose of the painting or not. One line mentioned he thought Cullen despised the King, then the next line was more sympathetic. Does this mean Deker came to that conclusion? You see, 'he thought his lord despised the king' read more as he just thought of the line at the moment rather than something he misunderstood before due to the active voice in the sentence. It makes things rather confusing. As a suggestion, maybe 'he had thought' or 'he once thought' might have made it more obvious/straightforward.
Hopefully Cullen's limited perspective stops here. I think we get the gist of what he's planning to do next and there's no need to follow him through anything else, or rather, it might be better to keep whatever he does hidden from the reader through the manipulation of perspectives, for more impact when Cullen does show up again.
Overall it was a decent read. There doesn't seem to be a goal for Mallory yet, though. It doesn't seem like there's any chance for him to overcome Cullen anytime soon, if he's destined to be fighting the new emperor. Thus, I don't know which direction the story is going to go from here on out.
| Sage Young chapter 4 . 5/9/2015
Huh, the brief sentences weren't really an issue but certain parts do feel a bit slow because of how you decided to lay out the narration. Some of the sentences could definitely have worked better combined, such as when you used two sentences to say both Piper and Morgana stopping.
A few of the sentences also seemed to suffer from a passive voice than a more active one. They made the read less dynamic and more distant, in my opinion.
Finally, for the technicalities, I feel like some of the actions didn't need exclamation marks. The exclamation marks actually blew them up, making them feel more exaggerated than needed. As a suggestion, it would be better to keep them for more surprising stuff such as revelations or a powerful line of dialogue. If you really want to have them in the action, then I would also suggest having that action in a paragraph of its own, to build better suspense and impact.
As for the story, it's nice to know the kingdom's name now. I'm also surprised to read about the fact that there's an entire demon kingdom as well, and how they're all now under Cullen. So many things happened before the start of the story that I can't help but feel overwhelmed and lost. I would have liked to follow those events leading up to the coup as they happened.
Morgana's certainly reasonable. It's strange to see a villain more reasonable than the good guys, in this case, Piper. The 'talk' they had felt very much like Piper just wanting to throw snarky remarks at Morgana hoping for some kind of reaction, which was surprising. I was expecting Piper to be more composed, as I would from a queen, though that might just be a generalization or semantics.
At parts, Piper's dialogue did feel stiff compared to Morgana's. They lack the abbreviations which again made Piper feel overly formal. I have to wonder if this is intentional? Otherwise, things would read smoother with the abbreviations.
Their verbal battle is okay but at the same time feels lacking. The wordplay could have been better executed to show more emotions, expression and impact. The lack of details/description on their body language and actions also made it feel like a bit of a waste. They can't possibly be just standing straight while shooting each other with words, no? It would be more interesting if the did things like push themselves into each other's comfort zones of even get a bit physical. The words they said weren't exactly nice and all that.
As for the ending, I certainly weren't expecting demon knights. I guess the queen's going to get violated, but I don't expect her to die just yet. I wonder if the queen's able to cast magic to defend herself considering how the baby seemed to be capable of some power.
Overall, it was a mediocre read. It still feels like I'm not seeing the big picture yet when it comes to the world, the kingdom, the coup or even about the characters, but the characters themselves know. It feels like I'm being left in the dark or left behind. I need to know more, otherwise things will just tilt and it'll get more and more difficult for me to be engaged in the conflicts happening in the story.
| YumehaMinakami chapter 1 . 5/9/2015
Okay first impression is very great. Greatly named characters, good flow and pretty smooth setting.
However I did notice that you really like to use -ly to almost every verb. Quietly, shyly, silently, coldly, wisely. Well, this is all very nice however I think you should tone it down a little bit. Adding a lot of adverbs in the story practically dilutes the sentences and the impact of the action being made. For example... "she drank the water quickly" doesn't have much impact as "she forced the water down her throat".
On the bright side the MC was a rather interesting one, seemingly like the knight of old with a bit of a modern flavor. He's a bit stoic yet pretty easy to get along if you manage to find his cute bone.
Another thing is that the dialogue was superb. Now that's something that keeps the flow of the scenes really fresh and fast paced while not being overly heavy in words.
| Vio the Wandering Lover chapter 4 . 5/9/2015
Not much to be said about this chapter. Morgana coughdarkstalkerscough is a blind bitch and the Queen seems helpless. I'm still looking for some history here. Like a few flashbacks of when Cullen was younger and exactly why he killed the king.
However there is absolutely no forgiveness for Morgana now. What she has just done to the Queen at the end of the chapter is unforgivable. Even if you try to make her a tragic villain it won't work. She will only deserve a horrible and painful death.