|Reviews for Hero -- The Last White Dragon|
| Starart152 chapter 8 . 6/29/2019
This is a nice chapter that introduced one new antagonist. You give us a grasp of his personality and how dangerous he was. He is someone clearly meant to be dangerous and not to be underestimated.
As for Mallory, we discover that he was a she all long, but nothing else of consequence for now.
| Shang chapter 1 . 8/26/2018
Well, you have a good start there, even if a 'great conspiracy' route has been done to death (these days - what hasn't?). The plot is moving fast (maybe a tad too fast), but doesn't seem overly rushed... not yet anyway. And you have managed to hint a few mysteries to get revealed later, which should keep the readers intrigued, so good job on that.
The execution of this could be a bit better though. From what I red you do seem to have expanded vocabulary, thus it is a bit of a shame your descriptions are rather limited; its them that spark emotions in the readers mostly. Dialogues help, sure, but there's only so much one can do with dialogue alone. There's much truth in the belief that the majority of message is in body language and you can't really expect dialogue to relay the atmosphere of a place properly, so do try to build on your descriptions - I really believe you can manage and it should enrich the story.
You should also try avoiding repetition: use substitutes for various word in order to avoid putting the same one in a single paragraph. This is particularly visible with referencing your characters (I noticed this to be a common occurance on FictionPress) when you just constantly use their names only to describe their actions. This is not only repetitive and gives the feeling of limited vocabulary (which I don't believe you have a problem with), but also gives the reader impression there's nothing unique or of note in these figures.
We already know Mallory to have crimson hair, so why not refer to him as a redhead every once in a while? Similarly Zhalia can be identify through the color of her eyes.
Possibly the most annoying issue are commas; you use them way too often. Now overly long sentences can be destructive, sure (though that doesn't seem to stop me from using them in my stories :D), but if you place them every few words you basically stop telling a story and just write a telegram.
Commas are meant to give the reader a break; make them take take note of the sentence. In a way they're similar to slow motion in movies or TV series - they enhance certain scenes, but if overused, they start to annoy. Allow me to use the example from this chapter and how I believe it could be improved:
"Mallory turned back to her. He nodded with a determined look on his face. He then procceded inside. Zhalia stood there and watched the bookcase slowly swing close behind him."
Now, slightly changed, my version of the same paragraph:
"Mallory turned back to her and nodded with a determined look on his face before proceeding inside. Zhalia remained in place, watching the bookcase slowly shut behind him with a quiet 'creak'."
Overall this story has potential and I believe you can easily improve as I feel you do have it in you.
| cud-b-better chapter 8 . 5/4/2018
Well I definitely wasn't expecting that. Sorry it has taken me so long to get round to reviewing this chapter by the way.
Anyway quite liking the Jonas character a happy go lucky type of psychopath. The introduction with him felt a bit off though as you went too far out of the way to explain that he killed people in his kingdom within the narration. It would probably be better to just have this detail come to light with his conversation with Decker.
The chapter as a whole gives some foreshadowing into Mallory but I still don't really know where you are planning on taking the story. At the moment it seems to be escape from the villains with the baby prince. I'm still hoping personally for a time skip and focus on the prince with mallory taking a secondary role. But anyway another good chapter keep it up.
| Starart152 chapter 7 . 4/14/2018
This is a nice chapter that gives the consequence of the victory of the paladin against Kojima. Despite winning this fight, the next confrontation might be fatal as the aura of the knight is much stronger and dangerous now. As for Mallory and the prince, they have survived the night just like Piper predicted, which will annoy the false king a lot.
It is a good and well paced chapter that gives a nice flow and allows us to see more about what the antagonist are planning and doing.
| Darth Zannacross chapter 8 . 4/9/2018
And now back to action. ( Cracks neck and dives back in. )
I see we are introduced to Jonas, Jonas seems a tad...excitable...to say the least. He and the Joker and Carnage, that Kimblee guy from Full Metal Alchemist, and some of the Gundam Pyscos might get along, we will see.
Was wondering if we were going to see if he was all talk but we see him exchange with Kojima, should be intense to see him go all out.
Might be pushing his luck taunting the Emperor and Morgana, we will see.
I see Mallory is recovering, but wait, he was a she the whole time or was she transformed? I think saying he is a man when he's not is cheating, but guess we got a thing like Samus from Metriod? Well, this should be fun. Keep up the great work, hope you can check out Zilos 2 sooner or later and till next time.
| JaDeCe chapter 1 . 3/28/2018
Oooo me definitely like.
A powerful knight and a baby. Awe so stweet. Im gushing the baby's so cute. Sorry don't mind me.
On to the next.
Good job friend.
| Starart152 chapter 6 . 4/1/2017
This is a good chapter with the introduction of many new antagonists and some we already know, but it is good to sometime reintroduce them a little. As for the dialogues between them, it is really interesting to see where everything is going and how Li dies since he wasn't considered useful anymore.
| cud-b-better chapter 7 . 3/30/2017
Sorry it took me so long to notice. I'm glad the series is continuing. I can't remember everything that happened previously but Cullen's harsh attitude to failure is present once again. Although I liked that the punishment was also used as a motivator. Kojima has decreased a few ranks in terms of legendary, if he was as great as he claims to be then he would be blaming himself for his own shortcomings rather than acting like a teenage delinquent and blaming the one who bested him. I think a few of the dialogues could be a bit better it feels almost too formal in a way (can't really explain it). Mallory seemingly rising from the dead, is it going to turn out he is a phoenix or something. Kind of looking forward to Cullen throwing away Morgana as he put it just so she would stop deluding herself, although it'll be a plot twist if she is actually right.
Anyway good chapter and I hope to read more soon.
| Darth Zannacross chapter 7 . 3/26/2017
Glad the White Dragon is still ridding yet, lets take a look at the new chapter. I see Kojima is still sore from his last defeat, villains with grudges usually equals bad news so, guess we will see who is in store for facing his wrath.
I see he has his doubts on Morgan, and, those doubts are justified, we will see who back stabs who I guess.
Meanwhile, the queen is resisting, but its costing her, hope she does not burn out before she can be rescued. And, on top of that, that woman survived Kojima's assault, most impressive. And a Dark Elf, that stumbled in to are unconscious lead here, well glad things are looking up, they need all the good luck they can get. Well, with how things stand we will see where they go from here but, crossing my fingers that the next update is a tad shorter.
Till next time keep up the good work.
| cmaej chapter 7 . 3/24/2017
Well darnit. It looks like I accidentally reviewed chapter six with my SmutPuppy account. It's just me. We're the same person. XD
And here is the most asked question for almost every over-powered villain...
IF HE'S SO STRONG, WHY THE HELL DOESN'T HE JUST DO THE JOB HIMSELF!? XD
I don't question Morgana's love in the least, but I think her love will force her to make bad decisions in the near future. It will likely have something to do with sabotaging Kojima, since he acts like he wants Cullen's D. Just a shot in a dark. lol
As for Piper...
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THAAAAAAAAANK YOOOOOOOU! Omg, I'm so happy she's not a damsel in distress. Don't underestimate what a mother would do to protect her child, dammit! I mean, I watched a mother cougar fight a grizzly bear three times her size to protect her cubs, and drove him away! I mean, on a documentary, not for real... you get what I mean. A mother's wrath is real! I also like the white-hair thing. It hints that she's not out of the woods yet, giving the readers tension to keep going.
Now for Mallory...
No offense to the character, but I'm a bit disappointed Mallory isn't dead. I thought I was in for some type of dark Yoshi Island story. Except, the Yoshi dies a horrible death before passing Baby Mario to the next Yoshi. A story where many powerful characters fight and give their lives to pass Baby Prince-kun (does he have a name, yet) along. Such a journey.
Anyways, look forward for the next chapter. Piper is my fav. Good luck.
| SmutPuppy chapter 6 . 3/23/2017
Finally updated! Congrats!
Oh, my. I didn't realize that I wasn't actually caught up with this story. I'm sure other has already talked about the writing, given, pointers and the like, so I'm just going to comment about the story. If you want tips, just drop me a PM and I'll be happy to oblige.
I'm liking these new characters, though mercenary was pretty boring and his self-proclaimed title felt lackluster compared to the others. Glad that was taken care of. XD
I hope the elf William dies next. I keep thinking of LotR and it's annoying me. lol
Emperor Cullen seems to be on a quest to compensate for something, if you know what I mean.
If I was Deker, I would be concerned about being left in a room with compulsive killers. Oh, wait? What kind of creature is Meaner? Ogre or something? As a matter of fact what is Cullen and the late King? He refers to Piper as "the human" so I'm guessing he's not. I apologize if it was already mentioned. It has been a while since I read.
Will review the next chapter later. Keep it up.
| 360pages chapter 6 . 3/15/2016
I actually forgot how much content was in your chapters, this chapter is 5000 words long yet it is mostly characters talking in a room. That isn't a bad thing, since you had to introduce and reintroduce the. Though I had a feeling there was a more dynamic way on doing this. I don't mind a few chapters of characters just talking with all that said.
| Darth Zannacross chapter 6 . 3/9/2016
Well its been a while, but glad your still keeping up on this. On top of the showdown, we got a whole new group, who knows how much trouble they will cause, well expect for Li, he was rather stupid lol, and died like a fool.
Well, we will see how the others preform, but the stakes have been raised with Cullen having such a bloody hunger for conquest. Also, we have a evil snow fairy eh? Guess its time for a dark version of Frozen, we will see.
Well, nice chapter for setting the stage , both showing just how intense Cullen is and who he has to enforce his will. We will see where it goes from h ere, till then keep up the great work and till next time.
| cud-b-better chapter 6 . 3/9/2016
Well cullen certainly isn't the smartest man ever. If a piece is strong particularly if you have big ambitions then you should use it, even if you hate it personally. Well he's a good villain but the fact he scared all those present kind of shadows out just what kind of threat these six are. I also felt that you spoke a bit about their backgrounds that might have been better laying off for later chapters particularly if you're introducing several characters all at once. But with a group of champions who can't get along if he gives each a realm isn't it just going to be pointless civil war?
But anyway a nice introduction to some obvious villains.
| 360pages chapter 5 . 6/19/2015
Welp the king is dead, I knew the story overall was going to start to take a darker turn simply due to how it was set up. Most stories with even a hint of politics are going to get darker, politics is an inherently darker tone to it due to it be overall slower.