|Reviews for A Black Heart|
| MissFabulous09 chapter 4 . 10/17/2013
Not bad, I'm loving the plot so far! Be very careful not to turn Iava into a Mary Sue. A Mary Sue is a perfect character with now flaws that just plain drives everybody crazy.
Iava is not a Mary Sue, but just make sure your fantastic charater doesn't turn into one! But lovely chappie, I can't wait for more!
| Admiral Bangle chapter 1 . 10/12/2013
Hey there. I'm here to review this story of yours, because I wanted to get a feel of what your writing is like.
[The moon was high in the sky when a girl awoke in a dark tower with one iron door and one window.] - First off, well done for TRYING to set the scene. I say trying because, despite the fact that this DOES explain the location, it doesn't do it very well. Y'see, the content is very basic. Try to spice it up a bit, but avoid delving into purple prose.
What you should do to spice it up: [The moon was high in the sky when a girl awoke, bathed in moonlight, in a dark tower. The room was [Insert shape of room here] with [insert colour here] walls that looked like [insert appropriate simile here]. There was a tarnished iron door, and a single stain-glass window through which the lunar light shone.]
Depending on your ability, I'm sure you could pull something like that off.
Wow, and this is just the opening line O_O.
[Her eyes were as black as night and her blood red hair was in a sloppy bun, it look like all the joy was sucked out of her.] - Read this sentence. Just, read it. Can you see anything wrong here? Good, now keep reading it. You're probably noticing two things wrong with it. If not, allow me to enlighten you. First of all, unless you're trying to make a scary sounding character (I was guessing this was the protagonist) I'd try to use different adjectives for her appearance. Unless, that's part of her character. I don't know her yet. Also, this is more telling than showing. People tend to prefer when they find out about the characters appearance more passively, rather than having it put there in front of them. Try to work a description into the text. Also, [it look like all the joy was sucked out of her.] I think you mean looked.
Also, why is each sentence a new line? That's just silly.
[She look around confuse for a moment then she remembered this was her home.] - You need to remember to use past tense xD. Also, I'd recommend making [then she remembered this was her home.] a new sentence. Also, the whole sentence needs re-working. I can't explain it, but it just reads WRONG.
And seriously, why is each sentence a new line?
[A young, beautiful woman walk in her honey blond her swirling around her and smiled coldly.] - Again, past tense. Walk should be walked. Oh, and blond her should be blond hair. Also, what we have here is what I like to call a comma sandwich. Essentially, because you add a description of her hair swirling mid-sentence, you have to encase it between two commas like this: [A young, beautiful woman walked in, her honey blond hair swirling around her, and smiled.] Better? Good.
["Well , Mistress Cavra." She choked out.] - This isn't too bad, but there should be a comma after Cavra, because this is speech and that's how you write it. Simple as that. Also, there shouldn't be a space between well and the following comma.
["Good." She smiling her green eyes dark.] - From what I can tell, which is very hard considering the way this is written makes absolutely no sense, is that this should say: ["Good." She smiled, her green eyes dark.] But, green eyes dark doesn't really describe what I assume you're going for. I'd suggest something like: [her green eyes shrouded in darkness.] Something more dramatic and eye-catching.
["Here's you meal." Cavra said tossing bread and a piece of steak.] - Again, when you write something like [Cavra said] after the speech, it should be ["Here's your meal," Cavra said.] with a comma, rather than a period. Also, it should be your meal and not you meal. It should also have a comma after Cavra said, like this: ["Here's your meal," Cavra said, tossing bread and a piece of steak.] I'd also recommend saying some bread, rather than just bread, as it flows a tad better.
[Iava grab it and quickly ate it.] - Should be grabbed. C'mon, this is basic stuff right here.
All in all, the sentences and sentence structure require vast amounts of work, sentences don't need to start a new line, and the overall chapter is poorly written. I advise checking your work after it's finished to weed out silly errors like, not writing the past tense form of a verb, and missing out proper punctuation. I'd also advise brushing up on your grammar. It's quite shocking.
Sorry if this comes across very negative, but I'm only trying to help you.
| MissFabulous09 chapter 3 . 10/10/2013
Muuuuch better! Your writing has improved so much! In an really interested in the fic and please post again soon! Also, thanks for the shout out:)
| MissFabulous09 chapter 2 . 9/24/2013
A great chapter, but a few mistakes. Ah, we're all human! One thing, why did the king so readily accept iava? (btw, love the name) I mean, a strange girl with his only son turning up out of nowhere? And then he lets them get hitched? But a awesome chappie none the less, I'm enjoying this story very much!:)
| MissFabulous09 chapter 1 . 9/22/2013
Eery and dark with nice detail. You don't have to do spaces when your describing something or writing out a non talking scene. But nice work, I anticipate more:)