Col. Wow. This was really good. I love how clueless, yet almost lovable he is. Molly's nuts, and it's awesome. XD The corpses and stuff made me laugh (I'm a terrible person :D).

One thing I didn't really get until this chapter was the fact that Molly was so young. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention in the first chapter, but when you mentioned his age here, I was kind of shocked. Anyways, onto Col. His intentions are very servant oriented, and I can't help but feel like it's indoctrination. I guess further reading will tell, but we'll have to see. I love how you really made Col's voice different than Molly's. It's a small thing, but it's crazy how many people don't give each character their own unique voice and thought process. Good job!

Really enjoyed it. Will be reading more in the future.
ButAWindow

heyyy! The dreams sequence was pretty awesome and makes me wonder if his subconscious knows more about what's going on, like that Col has the plague. His comment about Vari was creepy lol but it shows that he really does know his sister and that she is capable of anything. Aw, he was making fun of himself for actually caring about his friend! And that note, OH NO IGGY. I hope he's okay, but it doesn't look good.

"He's telling me my security is absolute shit." -This whole part made me laugh!

I like how there are always hints that Col isn't as dumb as he appears! Good job, I like how Walker is so intrguied by both Col and Molly. I can't really tell which one he may like more!

This is for the review game depth.

From the name, I thought that Molly and Col would at least kiss in this chapter :P

Style: I think your style is generally strong. The whole story reads pretty smoothly, with each character having a distinctive voice. This is a random little thing, but I don't think you need the break in the middle of the chapter. I think you could just have a sentence indicating that they go inside or something. You have larger time gaps/geographical shifts without it, and it just kind of feels weird.

Characters: Why isn't T1bbles in this chapter? Just saying. I like Col. Again, he has a very unique voice which makes him feel very three dimensional. He's funny. I kind of don't really like Vari very much, but I suspect that she's one of those characters you're not meant to like (and I think that Col and T1bbles share the dislike, makes me like them both that much more).

Ending: I have mixed feelings about the ending. On one hand I like that you're bringing the characters together and connecting all of the pieces. On the other hand, it feels a little anti-climactic. I don't really know why I should care that Vari and Walker are brothers. Their relationship reveal doesn't really have any ramifications yet, but it does make the world feel smaller. That being said, as I will get to, I have been enjoying the story so far, and I trust you have a plan in mind.

Enjoyment: Again, I really am liking this story. It's so weird, but also kind of captivating. I love T1bbles (even though it's only had limited page time). I'm curious about what's going to happen with Molly and Col. I kind of want a giant cartoon like piano to drop on Vari. I love all the little world building elements with the robots and everything. I think I am, for the most part, exactly where you want me as a reader.

Well, then, let's get started, shall we? The writing style is very different, and I suppose that's what you're possibly going for. It's cool. Keeps me on my feet. Interesting name for your protagonist. I like the way he does things. He thinks in a very human way, and is a cross between a vulture (opportunist) and a meerkat (scared of the hawks).

I like the world you've made, although I'm only a chapter in. Very dystopian. It feels sadly real, as humans tend to separate the unmentionable people from themselves all too often (what they deem bad anyway). All throughout history this repeats, and it seems oddly fitting in a future scenario. Other sci-fis have done this before, but yours in particular is intriguing.

I will continue reading and review. This looks like an interesting story with characters that won't hesitate to take me on a bit of a ride. Looking forward to what's coming next. :)
ButAWindow

Oh this was the one. Excited dance. (Apparently I'm doing dances today.)

Opening- okay, I'm actually kinda sad that we didn't get to see how Col reacted waking up naked. I mean I know he told us, but I think it would have been a hilarious thing to actually see.

- Ending- Well it wasn't a surprise to me at all do to spoilers... :). Kidding. I didn't see that coming at all. I thought that Walker was going to end up being Molly's brother honestly. But this is even better. I wonder what Walker and Vari's family is like? Are they a bit... crazy. Not that Walker's crazy per say... just an arse.

- Scene- So, they eat bugs? Is that their only source of protein? No rats perhaps? No I bet they got rid of all the rats to prevent the spread of the plague. I don't know. I'm from Texas though so I'll try anything as long as it's fried.

- Dialogue- I loved the grovel conversation. It actually made Vari seem not so crazy. (still crazy just you know a bit more human.) And in the same conversation Molly's sucking comment. (Oh that boy.) Loved it. It was believeable. Like they talk to each other that way all the time. Kudos.

- Characters- Do I even have to tell you? They are so amazing. They all have these layers to them, they're like real people.

- Relationships- Unhealthy... lol. I can't wait to see what the relationship is like between Vari and Walker. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that it's strained to say the least. Vari and Molly are a special pair aren't they? They are like best friends that have benefits and they same creepy hobby. I'm not sure if they are good for eachother or not, but who cares they're entertaining.

- Writing- I love the way you write but you already know that don't you.

- Enjoyment- Oh yes. Very enjoyable. I laughed from beginning to end again.

- Pace- I think things are progressing well. I excited to know exactly what Sire wants with Molly... but I will try and be patient and not guess.

Okay. I stole your idea by using the depth review outline but I think it helped me. :) Great read. As always.

Hey! AWWW Col is so adorable and sweet! He was worried that Vari wasn't wearing underwear, and he was thinking about Walker getting stepped on while he was passing out himself! I do wonder what caused his headache, probably the plague, I guess! I think the Col can seem really simple, but then he makes some truly wise remarks, such as, "With them, everyone has something to hide. Even when they don't." I think it shows more of who he truly is!

"And then Molly is there..." I don't know why but this made me soo happy! It made me think more of the growing relationship between Col and Molly.

I think it’s funny, and cute, that Col calls Vari sweet when she’s worried and when she isn't because I do not think she is sweet AT ALL. I keep going back and forth on whether I like her or not haha She’s messed up, but most of them are, but she’s kinda seems…possibly sadistic to others and herself. She was worried about her brother so that’s good!

I was not expecting the intense, awesome, moment between Molly and Col at the end. I like how awkward and confusing whatever this is between them, is. I felt bad for Col when Vari should up and he left :(

I wonder when things are going to blow up for Col since he is supposed to be kidnapping Molly...Also, "My god he looks like Sire" Another hint between Molly and Sire. VERY interesting!

small edit: "I think this IS a terrible time to do it in."

I didn't think that anyone could be crazier than Molly then you introduce Vari... holy crap. That girl is bonkers... but like in a sexy f'd up way. I hope you realize you've taken away my humanity by making me laugh at these things. Like the skeleton of the old lady holding up Molly's clothes... that is funnier than it should be. ha. (There's a special place in hell for me.)

T1bbles is going to be an adorable little pet I can already tell. I love adorable pets... they have them in like every disney movie. (Yeah. I watch disney movies) I'm glad that Col is the one that has a pet because he so deserves it the cutie.

I wonder how my sweet little Col is going to react. (Yeah... I'm sorry Molly and Walker, but Col is my favorite... and I have apparently claimed him. News to me too...)

Now... I want to be all constructive and give you some amazing advice. But I don't know what would make this better. Cake that's it. Cake makes everything better... I know I'm no help at all. But did I mention that I loved it? See... so yeah give me some cake... you may keep the science though. :)

Hi! Great chapter! I like being able to see all three of them interact. Walker is growing on me because he seems unimpressed with Molly and that he seems to like, or at least think Col is Sweet. It was kinda awesome to see Molly continue to be angry with Vari and acknowledge her bad side.

"I think he's a bit annoyed to still be here. I think it's nice that he is." I like how Molly is thinking about Walk. He's curious!

Aww, Col was able to make Molly feel uncomfortable after Molly kissed him. I loved that a lot! The ending to this chapter was quite a surprise!

One typo- "I'm not sure if he's super embarrassed, OF if, actually, I've made him mad."

-Veronica

Okay... So my guess is you're the third writer... Haven't met you yet.

Okay so Walker is an ass first off (Well like a loveable one...) Three girl friends? Is he serious? How is he keeping track? Actually he's one of those cases that I feel sorry for. He's rich sure, but he's lacking in love. (Oh... well that was a cheesy observation.)

I love the depth you added to him though. He's not just a rich asshole. He's a violinist which makes him a sensitive asshole. (Nope another cheesy observation...)

I'm gonna leave that bit because it'll probably make you laugh and I'll give a more serious review in the morning.

Okay serious time.

Lets talk characters. Molly is absolutely crazy (he is) but I love him.

Col is so cute, he's trying so hard. I refuse to say he has low self esteem. Because he doesn't. Remember how he said the thing about Sire's tea. He believes that he's good for something.

Walker-nope I'm standing by my earlier asshole comments.

As far as side characters go I'm fond of Iggy. He's like a Soma version of a hippy. Or like one of those people that drive a prius, and like take time to recycle... I bet if he had a baby he'd use cloth diapers. (Okay think that's enough examples)

and umm, I don't know, what ever the technical word for writing style is:
I'm really impressed that there are three of you writing this and making it so cohesive. Really if ya'll (yeah... ya'll it's a word) hadn't told me I would have never guessed. You three are great.

Another thing I love about your style is the way you make the reader laugh when it's probably not proper... lol. I like that this story is already filled with heartbreak, crazy loss, and depressing theme yet I've laughed through it all. Laughter makes things better... well maybe not funerals... although that movie Toys with Robin Williams had laughing at a funeral and that worked. (If you haven't watched that movie you need to.)

ooo... so, I've made some predictions in my head thanks to that spoiler you posted on the review you gave me... (Yeah... I'll stop eventually.)

Seriously though, I'm guessing that Col is going to get to meet that rich person he wanted to meet. :) Yay for him. He needs to mark some things off his bucket list.

I feel like the reviews you give me are so much better... (Sorry) I hope my love for your story makes up for it. Keep up the good work.

Hello, hello! Oh god, it’s Col, but let’s get on with the squealing, shall we?

Writing/other: I said so in the previous chapter, and I’m say it again: BIO BIO BIO. I am having the ah hah! moment right now. “As an enterobac I am only slightly superior to non-paths, and funguys and fungals, which let me tell you, isn’t nearly superior enough” Beautiful line, and fantastic play on words. It took me a little bit before I realized “fungals” and “fungals” and… yeah. GOOD ONE. Your insertions of these little bio tidbits are making me smile more than I think I should, but it’s really going “you are anything less than protozoan.” - Ha. Ha. The thing is, these aren’t subtle at all, and normally they are. Your unconventional story telling draws me in especially because of the back and forth you have with your conscious as well as your “oh wait!” portions.

Character: And that brings us over here. E. Coli is a little clueless - and I love it. I’m actually a big fan of those characters who are comedic relief in the kind of slow way, at the same time it’s not too profound. E. Coli is a mix of that, with his semi-self loathing and his slower reaction time of “Wait! This … this thing just drugged me! And I hate getting drugged.” Maybe the slow part wasn’t what you were going for, but that’s just what I imagined him doing, haha. At the same time, he’s kind of the more “normal” of the three - should I be saying that? I have a feeling you’re going to throw my assumptions out the window again, so I’m going to tentatively say that for now.

Dialogue: Wow. Double entendre much? Your dialogue is smooth and snappy, and it borders along the same line as your POV narrative - essentially humorous. I enjoyed the banter between Molly and Vari; it helps to help highlight their rather unconventional relationship - again i’m being tentative here - and they aren’t afraid to bite at each others’ heels. Maybe that comes along with Molly’s quick hands and fingers.

Ending: I don’t - I can’t even. Your endings are always priceless with humor and this one certainly doesn’t disappoint. This one isn’t exactly “humorous” per se, but instead I can see where you are beginning to tie everything together. You’re bringing Limitless and Col and Molly and Vari together, and I’m half afraid to see what chaos the four will wreck together. Then you would have one disoriented bacterium, kleptomaniac drug, and two “rich” kids. I don’t know, but if this doesn’t spell ominous future, I don’t know what will. “Hello, brother” doesn’t make this any better (it totally makes it more terrifying).

Great job!

I'm back!
“Shimmy shimmy, and ooh lala, find my newest dead dear.” - I was laughing, but Molly isn’t the slightest bit creepy here, not at all (sarcastic). He’s definitely a character I would watch out for. Sardonic, a little leaning on the megalomaniac side.

“Pages of blah” - I think you have just eloquently worded something everyone has thought at least once. Dang, Soma. That stream of conciousness is just running away and fast, speeding through the chapter and keeping the slower parts humorous and rolling. In turn it’s making me smile at the little things that I catch, and I have to say, “Pages of Blah?” yuusshhh.

“And she was the richest girl I’d ever talked to, and her stuff was better than mine…” - this sentence caught my eye for a theme that I think may become present later on. Maybe motif, I’m not sure. But ahahah, this one sentence did not end the way I thought it was going to LOL. Alright. Coming back to the point about the motif, maybe it’s because you’ve highlighted Rich Boy already, but is this going to be a more subtle contrast between have-nots and haves? I have a feeling this is going to be more of a satirical “Rich have what they want, I’mma just gonna take what I want” - in other words, I think I’m loving this take.

“You’re Prion” - PLEASE PLEASE tell me that was intentional. I’m thinking biology right now, and that would totally make sense if it was intentional to call molly a degenerative protein that is present in the brain. That’s really clever and even if it wasn’t intentional to put it in the biological sense, it would make sense and fit with Molly’s character. He’s a little wonky, and essentially toys with his “victim’s” brains before he strikes. And by the time he strikes, they don’t realize it until it’s too late *cough* *cough*

“It’s so defective! Prion!” - That’s ironic ahahhah. Defective and prion? Vari and Molly? I geddit…

“Then he looks at me, looks at Vari, and squeals.” What a way to end the chapter, what a way. It’s amusing and light in contrast to the darker humor that you have playing throughout. Nice!

Edits

[I hope the kid hasn't see(n)] This is in the section where Col is staring at the woman with the coat.

That's the only one I found, either because that was the only one or I got so caught up in the story that my brain fixed things... to boost your ego let's go with... which ever you prefer.

Again I laughed from beginning to end. (Thanks) It's actually a sad story really. Poor Col with his white plague. He can't get close to anyone lest he kill them. (Sobs) The story about his first girlfriend was really heartbreaking.

I like that he's submissive. It adds to his character and it's cute. I think he has low self esteem but not lower than a normal person. I'd like it if he could show that being submissive isn't a mark of a weak person... (I think submissive people get a bad rap sometimes.)

I wonder if Molly was really drinking blood or if he was just messing with Col. I now I wonder why he sedated the boy. I am also curious to know more about the White Plague. Does it affect everyone the same. Also, if Col was drinking the blood of a White Plague victim (if) then maybe he's immune to it? I mean he lives with their corpses you'd think he'd have gotten it by now if he wasn't immune?

So many questions... I guess I'll just have to read more and find out.

I love the opening. Definitely grabbed my attention. I last read Col’s chapter, and I think Walker’s voice is equally distinctive and memorable. Probably my favorite line is the one about salsa for dipping BS into- it was just incredibly clever and smooth. I don’t know how anyone could not read on after this opening, so yeah, solid start to the chapter, haha.

As a character, I really appreciate Walker. He’s got sass, haha. I’m getting the sense that he’s wealthy and privileged and hedonistic but kind of bored by it all. He regards many things with contempt (the girlfriend paragraph was great, btw), and I think you set him up as an interesting character whose narration is very fun to read, and also someone who has a lot of room for development.

I really like the scene where Walker’s talking to Iggy. For all that Iggy’s pretty messed up, he’s got his ideals, and Walker just shoots them down. I like how you’re addressing socioeconomic issues and how people respond to them.

Writing: As I’ve mentioned before, the voice is awesome, the writing is sharp, and really enjoyable. You do first person pov really well. I’m going to point out this one line which I thought read a little funnily.
[I am usually at one of three places: home…; Roxy Pendulum…; and the last place you may or may not find me is at the Theatre of Hummingbirds.] I think, the last part was a bit awkward because it wasn’t consistent with the way you introduced the first two places. Why not write it as “…; the Theater of Hummingbirds, where you may or may not find me” or something like that to keep the way you list things consistent?

I'm sure everyone has commented on the strong voice of this piece, and for good reason. It has some very enjoyable humor and moves at a quick pace, like a witty dialogue between comedic geniuses and I didn't stop reading until the end. My only warning about this strong a voice is that it is one that could be divisive. You either love it or hate it and there isn't much opportunity for enjoying the story if you don't like the narrator. I've had stories that I should have liked ruined by the narrator's voice grating and that is always a big disappointment. In particular I think Molly's sense of humor took the longest for me to accept because he seems to find himself funnier than I do and that is the sort of thing that usually bothers me. The fact it didn't is because the story moves so quickly that it's easy to move on to another thing.

I was a little stumped by his constant use of arse in place of ass since he uses all other swears without a problem and there are no other indications of an accent when he speaks. I am glad you were consistent with it but I just did not understand why he used that word.

Your culture details are very nicely scattered through the chapter. I liked the nonplussed mentions of the sexbooth and drugs and things like that set the general feel of Soma. I got the feeling this was a scifi or futuristic dystopia but I didn't see any indication of that in the summary or story classification so is that right? The physical setting details could be expanded more. I understand that Molly would not be interested in most of the world around him since he sees it every day but when he is shocked by the absence of the wall, I didn't feel that from him. I wanted to feel that instead of just being told and with no frame of reference I couldn't track that change until Molly said it was wrong. Since that moment is a big mood change for him going from being chased to staring in shock, I think showing more of what Soma looks like would be helpful to help establish that something is different.

Related to that, there was one scene where Molly was counting down how long until the grunts attacked and he gets to eight secons right before having a long conversation with Dead Boy that should realistically take longer than that. It is only a minor detail but I just wanted to point it out in case it was not deliberately making him an unreliable narrator.

Lastly, I liked Molly as a character when he went ahead and kissed Dead Boy. I thought it was rude that he said he'd kiss him whenever he (Molly) liked but aside from that it had a trickster archetype feeling to the whole situation. I couldn't find an exact motivation for deliberately exposing himself to the plague except for that he thought Soma being plague free was boring, so potentially spreading it might seem exciting to him. He seems to enjoy chaos, or the idea of it and death. That was interesting to me and I am not sure if that is what you were intending but I like that angle. It fits wtih what I understand of his personality and isn't something I ahve seen much in fiction before.

[Character/Relationships]: Awwwww, I LOVE Nola/Ruby! You wrote her so charmingly and just with a few lines of dialogue! She's adorable, witty, tough, and vulnerable all at the same time (just as little kids always are) and I hope she remains a substantial part of the future plot! I also absolutely love the relationship you've developed between her and Col and ... well, okay, ALL of them! It's touching to see Col care for her so much and want to protect her even though he feels like he can't, and I'm sure Molly does, too, in his verbally abusive way. :)

Also, it's about time Col gets some new friends!

[Scene]: I LOVED the flashback! That girl is Sire, isn't she?! Just as creepily cool as I imagined she would be! I like how you showed her being so very capable that she'd take down Alvin so easily! She seems like a force of nature - you can't argue against her. For all the build-up of her, you delivered her flawlessly! ... Assuming it's Sire and I'm not just jumping to really stupid conclusions here. :P

[Plot]: Whoa, Vari knows! Very interesting twist to the plot - I was so sure Walker would be the first to figure out what Col's up to, but now Vari finding out... that's more intense! 'Cuz she's crazy. I like how you kept her character consistent through this plot twist, too. Vari wouldn't just do the expected thing of telling Molly (like any other decent human being would do), would she? And that was a great cliffhanger to leave us off with: leaving that decision on Col's hands and hinting that he'll make the "wrong" choice. But willll hhhheeeee?!

I think the one thing I'd improve ('cuz I just noticed it like... right now) is moving the plot along a little bit faster. Then again, this seems to be more of a character-driven story than an action-driven one and I LOVE that (which is really why I didn't even notice that the plot hasn't been moving along as fast as one may - or may not - expect it to move). Basically what I'm trying to say is that I didn't even notice that the plot was taking a back seat to character development and exposition until... well... something actually happened (Vari finding out). Other readers may prefer more action, I guess? But I love it the way it is... still, I thought I might just point it out. 'Cuz I feel guilty for not ever giving you constructive criticism. It's just that you guys are so good at this! :D

[Dialogue/Technique]: Your dialogue always flows so smoothly. You never get bogged down with "he said", "she said's" when they're not necessary, nor do you use ton of adjectives to make us see the scene *exactly* like you see it in your mind. I know I tend to do that in my writing... and then I realize it's really frustrating for reader to feel like the writer is trying to control their imagination. You let us use our own imagination with the scenes (up to the correct extent) and that's awesome!